How dating a stripper will improve any relationship

By Patton Oswalt

Illustrations by Robin Mitchell

Sometimes love goes wrong because your partner changes. Sometimes it fails because you change. But more often than not, love fails because you stop appreciating what you've got. You grow complacent and bored. Quirks become annoyances. Thrills become chores. Novelty becomes drudgery. Who wants "safe" forever? The kind of person who will cherish you, understand you, grow with you, comprehend the areas where you don't mesh and react to that gulf with maturity and understanding -- that is exactly the kind of person you become disenchanted with and then leave and feel like a to-the-bedrock bastard for abandoning.

Sure, your journey of togetherness starts off all sprinkles and buttons. But even the sweetest apple plucked from the tree of love can become a rotted, fly-blown failure full of disease, maggots and yelling.

Yes, when love goes bad it can fill an apple with yelling.

So how would you feel if I told you I can guarantee a stable, healthy relationship? The kind of deep union wherein, upon waking each morning, you murmur a humble thanksgiving for the gift of eternal companionship, support and love that has appeared in your life. And that will never bore you. And that you'll always appreciate. Always. Always. Always.

The answer is quite simple, really: Date a stripper.

Strippers are our country's most precious resource for keeping people humble and happy and together. Forget about counseling. Forget about that weekend retreat to Sedona. And forget about self-help books featuring any of the following words: secret, code, steps, life, love, power, triumph and borderline personality disorder.

Doubt me? Just compare and contrast -- you'll see what I mean.