By Antonia Simigis
Never heard of David Cross? Apparently you've been living under a large, soundproof boulder without cable and still think Saturday Night Live is a hoot. It's time to let this so-called bald, redneck Jewboy from Atlanta restore your inner laugh track with Shut Up You Fucking Baby!, easily the funniest stand-up album in years. His onstage shots at everyone from Catholic priests to the commander-in-chief have inspired a cult following; however, Cross, best known for his costarring role on HBO's brilliant, short-lived sketch series Mr. Show, admits his humor doesn't always take with women. "One time, just as a joke, an obvious joke, I said to a girl who was taking off her clothes and getting into bed [in a character voice] 'Nice bush!'" he told Playboy.com. "She did not find that funny at all."
Recently, Cross shared his thoughts on babes, boobs, Garfield posters and more personal perversions.
1. Describe your type of woman.
David Cross: I likes 'em short and sassy with the glasses and the sense of humor and the tits. Do they play in a band? Even better. If I was a polygamist I would try to hunker down with every one of the Suicide Girls, if that gives you a better idea.
2. What's your favorite part of the female anatomy?
DC: I'm a vagina man myself.
3. Do you like them fake or real?
DC: Are you serious? Who the fuck likes fake tits? They not only feel weird and obviously unnatural, but they make you immediately think about the girl's self-esteem and values. I always feel like I want to reach in there and take them out. "Hey, someone hid shoulder pads under your tits. Here, I'll get 'em for you." That's why I believe that you should only go out with attractive women with big, natural breasts. I am quite the fan of tit fucking, by the by.
4. Ever talk dirty while making love?
DC: I love talking dirty in bed. I used to hate it, but now I'm much more comfortable with it. And there are very few things hotter than a nice girl telling you to "Fuck me! Come on, that's it, yeah, fuck me!" The only part I don't like is when they say, "Fuck the shit out of me," because I don't know if I'm supposed to take that literally or not.
5. How did you lose your virginity?
DC: I was 18 and staying at my grandmother's house in New York. I would go into the city at night, and come home in the morning. One time, in Times Square -- the old Taxi Driver Times Square, not the new Disney Store version -- I earnestly asked a prostitute who had just blown me if she would let me fuck her because I was a virgin and I didn't have any money left and I had only enough for the blowjob. She was very nice about it and let me fuck her from behind, standing up for about two minutes. Then she abruptly stood up and said, "OK, that's enough." I thanked her and we went our separate ways.
6. Commitments aside, what celebrity would you most like to have sex with?
DC: How can you even ask? Rosie!
