Ribald Classics

The Gardener and the Nuns

A certain convent, in the olden time, contained eight young nuns and an abbess, all noted for their sanctity. The only men they ever saw were the convent steward and a gardener: aged fellows, homely in appearance and simple of mind -- men not likely to inspire passion in even the most wanton of women.

The gardener's duties were arduous and his salary small. Eventually, therefore, the gardener gave up the job and returned to the town of his birth. He was welcomed by the townspeople, among them a strong and lusty youth named Masetto, who asked him, "What did you do at the convent?"

"Tended the garden," the old man answered, "fetched wood and water, and many other things. But the pay was next to nothing and there's no pleasing those holy sisters. They're all too young and full of spirit, forever teasing and bedevilling a poor soul. It was too much for me."

Masetto nodded gravely and said. "You were right to give it up. Who wants to work for women?" But as he said these words, Masetto was thinking what a pleasure it would be to live and work among such high-spirited ladies. And so, secretly, he resolved to take on the job the old man had relinquished.

Masetto, however, was neither aged, homely nor simple-minded, and he feared his good looks might hinder his chances of getting the job. After much pondering, he hit upon the idea of pretending to be a deaf mute. Delighted with his own cleverness, he dressed in the clothes of a poor man, took an axe on his shoulder and made straightway for the convent.

Masetto's strong back and willingness to work made him very popular with the convent steward, who gave him a number of heavy tasks to perform. Masetto did them well and earned the admiration of the abbess who, the next day, asked the steward who he was.

"Only a poor deaf mute, Madonna," the steward said. "He wandered in and made motions I took to be a plea for food. I fed him and he has worked for me."

"Good," said the abbess. "Find out if he knows how to plant a garden."

And so Masetto became the convent gardener. The young nuns found him a figure of fun. They teased him and sang naughty songs in his presence, thinking he could not hear them. One day, he heard two of the prettiest sisters talking together thus:

"Sister, I have been told that no pleasure is keener than that a woman feels with a man. Yet here we are imprisoned behind these convent walls. Is it not sad that we may not know this pleasure? Why should we not try it with this dumb oaf who tends our garden? He has no tongue to speak of it after."

"But what of our vows, sister?"

"To break them thus will only prove that we are human. Later we can repent and be forgiven."

"But suppose our pleasure should bear fruit?"

"You worry too much. We can cross that bridge when we come to it."

Her fears quieted, the second nun became quite eager. "How shall we go about it?"

"That is the easiest part. We will simply take him by the hand and lead him into the hut. Then, while one of us is inside with him, the other can keep watch outside."

"Let us do it, by all means!"

Masetto, hearing all this, could hardly restrain his joy. But, with a supreme effort, he managed to appear as if he had not heard one word.

When the nuns led him to the hut, he giggled foolishly and obeyed their every gesture. First one sister, then the other, tasted the joys of which they had heard, and found them even sweeter than they had hoped. Thereafter, Masetto served them daily in the same way.

One day, however, their sport was discovered. Another nun, passing the hut and hearing strange cries within, looked through a chink in the wood and saw them in the throes of pleasure. She beckoned to another nun and they took turns watching. When it was all over, they decided it was a monstrous act they had witnessed and set out to denounce the erring sisters to the abbess.

The nun who was keeping watch saw them departing and, overtaking them, suggested they share Masetto's treasure. They considered this and eventually agreed. In this way, it was not long before all eight nuns in the convent were taking turns in the hut with the new gardener. And the abbess suspected nothing.

Such strenuous duty eventually began effecting Masetto. He no longer found the energy to till the soil and would often lie down in the garden and sleep in the middle of the day. One such afternoon, the abbess was passing and saw him lying on the ground. The breeze had lifted his tunic, exposing the manly contour of his codpiece. Seeing this, the abbess was seized by an unaccustomed appetite. She woke him and escorted him to her chamber.

For several days, Masetto was the sole property of the abbess, and the eight young nuns pined for his attention. When her long fast was temporarily sated, the abbess let him go, but called upon his talents again from time to time.

At last, Masetto grew so weak and shaken that he fell to his knees in the abbess' chamber and gasped, "Madonna! It is said that a rooster can satisfy ten hens but ten strong men cannot satisfy one woman. Pity me, then, who must quench the thirsts of nine women singlehanded!"

"Nine women?!" cried the abbess. "Explain yourself! And pray tell me, too, how you can speak. I was told you were deaf and dumb."

"So I was, lady, but a merciful God has seen fit to restore my speech so I might save myself!" He then told her of his activities with the eight nuns.

The abbess, a wise woman, realized that even if she wanted to, she could not possibly dismiss Masetto and permit him to leave the convent with the tale of what had transpired. She realized, too, that he could not be expected to continue on in the same fashion. And so, after consulting with the eight nuns, she established a strict schedule.

In this way, the nine high-spirited ladies continued to enrich their lives without endangering the health of their obedient and happy gardener.

The breeze had lifted his tunic.