Ribald Classics

Tale of the Toe

Arriguccio was a rich merchant who had wed a well-born woman called Sismonda. Since she was comely, and since the merchant was often in other towns on business, it was inevitable that the lady should attract a lover.

The lover's name was Ruberto. He and Sismonda enjoyed each other constantly while Arriguccio was away. Before long, however, rumors of their love began to reach Arriguccio, inflaming his already suspicious nature.

He abandoned his travels and spent most of his time keeping an eye on his wife. This jealous diligence put a halt to the pleasures of Sismonda and Ruberto, grieving them sorely, but Sismonda soon found a way to hoodwink her husband.

Through a maid-servant, she sent word to Ruberto of her plan: at bed time, Sismonda would lower a long string out of her bedroom window. One end would touch the ground; the other end she would tie to her toe. Ruberto was instructed to tug at this string when he came. If Arriguccio were asleep, Sismonda would release the string and come down to open the door; but if he were awake, she would hold on to it and pull it back toward her.

Ruberto considered this an excellent scheme. And so it, was, for it enabled him to enjoy Sismonda for many a voluptuous night.

But one night, as the jealous Arriguccio turned in his sleep, his foot encountered the string. His shrewd mind grasped the situation at once. Gently, he untied the string from the toe of the sleeping Sismonda and tied it around his own. Then he awaited the confirmation of his worst suspicions.

Confirmation came soon, for Ruberto tugged at the string not many minutes later. Arriguccio had tied an imperfect knot, so it came loose and slid out the window. Ruberto, seeing the string drop at his feet, assumed Sismonda had let go of it as a signal that her husband was asleep.

But when he heard the heavy footsteps approaching the door, he knew it could not be his dainty Sismonda. He fled, with Arriguccio hot after him. Both men drew their swords and battled fiercely in the dim light.

Meanwhile, Sismonda awoke and found both her husband and her string gone. Guessing what had transpired, she called her maid-servant and said, "If you will lie here in my bed and suffer the beating my husband intends to give me, I will make it worth your while." She showed the girl a purse fat with gold. Sismonda hid in a closet and the maid-servant climbed into bed.

Ruberto had managed to give Arriguccio the slip, and now the irate husband returned to his bedroom. In the dark, he mistook the shape huddled under the sheet for his wife. "Infamous woman!" he cried. "I'll teach you to play me for a fool!" And he fell upon the maid-servant with a strap, beating her until she was black and blue. Still unsatisfied, he seized her hair and ripped it out in great handfuls. The poor girl shrieked, but said nothing to reveal her identity.

At last, Arriguccio stopped this cruel treatment and said, "You have received enough blows from me. I go now to your brothers to tell them of your vile conduct. They are men of honor and shall punish you even further."

He left.

Sismonda stepped from the closet to comfort the bruised and wailing maid-servant. She paid her and dismissed her, then remade the bed, lit a lamp, and sat down with some sewing.

Soon she heard the footsteps of Arriguccio and her brothers. The door flew open.

"Behold, my worthy brothers-in-law!" said Arriguccio. "See how I have justly bruised the cheating minx and torn her hair!"

Sismonda pretended to be much amazed by his behavior, and allowed her body to be examined for welts.

"I see no bruises here," declared one of the brothers. "Nor is her hair torn. What say you to this, Arriguccio?"

"Eh? No bruises?" stammered the husband. "But look -- here are strands of her hair still clenched in my fists."

"My hair, good husband?" asked Sismonda. "But surely you can see it is a different color. Dear brothers, what has he been telling you?"

The story was related, and Sismonda replied, "You see how absurd it is. I am not bruised, nor is my hair torn, nor have either of us been to bed this night. The bed, you will notice, is still made."

"Then what has happened?" the brothers demanded.

"Shall I tell you what I think?" said Sismonda. "I think this rapscallion you have given me for a husband drank himself into a stupor, bedded with some wench or other, then beat her and tore her hair. This would have been bad enough, but then he ran to you with drunken tales about me."

The oldest and strongest of the brothers turned to Arriguccio and roared, "This shall not be endured! Wretch, scoundrel, libertine -- slander our fair sister, will you?" And the merchant found himself surrounded by avenging brothers.

"Spare him, I beseech you," begged Sismonda. "He was drunk. I forgive him. So should you. To err is human."

"Very well," grumbled the biggest brother. "But let us hear no more words of jealousy from this churl or we will pound him to a pulp."

This threat was not forgotten. Thereafter, Sismonda enjoyed Ruberto as often as she liked.

"Infamous woman!" he cried. "I'll teach you to play me for a fool!"