Limericks

When a Detachment of Irish brigadiers returned to their home county of Limerick after serving with the French army, they brought back with them a repertoire of snappy rhymed epigrams that made the colleens blush and the young bucks burst with bawdy laughter.

That was back in the late Seventeenth Century. Before long, these ribald verses had taken on the name of the county, and the catchy rhythmic lilt of their five short lines were earning them an underground reputation all over the world. In 1846, nonsense-poet Edward Lear cleaned up the limerick and introduced it into polite circles, but the best and most popular limericks are still the salty variety that men recite over their beer or brandy when the women aren't around. Playboy has rounded up a few of the choicer limericks for your holiday enjoyment.

A deep baritone from Havana While singing, slipped on a banana. He was ill for a year, Then resumed his career As a promising lyric soprana!

A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House Roll.

The model ascended the ladder As Titian, the painter, had bade her. Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition. So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

There was a young girl from St. Paul Who went to a newspaper ball. Her dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page: sports section and all.

There was a young lady of Thrace Whose corset grew too tight to lace. Her mother said, "Nelly, There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face!"

A pretty young maiden of France Decided she'd just "take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so. And now all her sisters are aunts.

There once was a lady from Exeter Who made all the men crane their nexeter. And some who were brave Would take out and wave The distinguishing marks of their sexeter.

A cross-eyed old painter named Jeff Was color-blind, palsied and deaf. When he asked to be touted, The critics all shouted, "This is art with a capital F!"

There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass: Not pretty and pink, As you probably think-- It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young lady of Erskine Who had a remarkably ferskine. When I said to her, "Mabel, You look fine in your sable," She replied, "I look best in my berskine."

There was a young girl from Dubuque Who went sailing one day with a dubuque. He remarked, "I am sure You are honest and pure," And then leaned far over to puque.

There was a young lady named Wilde Who kept herself quite undefiled By thinking of Jesus, Contagious diseases, And the bother of having a child.

A Brace of Racy Rhymes

A masculine girl of Khartoum Asked a ladylike boy to her room. They spent the whole night In a hell of a fight As to which should do what, and to whom.

There was a young lady from Kent Who said that she knew what it meant To be asked out to dine On lobster and wine. She knew what it meant--but she went.

A clever commercial female Had prices tattooed on her tail; And below her behind, For the sake of the blind, A duplicate version in Braille.

There was an eccentric young lass Who wore panties constructed of brass: Said she, "They have uses, Like staving off gooses And pinches and pins in the grass."

There was a young warrior of Parma Who got into bed with his charmer. She, naturally nude, Said, "Don't think me rude, But I DO wish you'd take off your armor!"

A sturdy young fellow from Ransome Had a girl seven times in a hansom. When she asked for some more, Said a voice from the floor: "My name, ma'am, is Simpson--not Samson!"

A lass named Veronica Mapes Sported mammae the size of small grapes. She started to scratch 'em In the hope she might hatch 'em, But all that remained were the scrapes.

There once was a man from Racine Who invented a loving machine. Both concave and convex, It could serve either sex, Entertaining itself in between.

There was a young maiden named Hoople Whose bosom was triple, not duple. She had one removed But it grew back improved. At present, Miss Hoople's quadruple.

There was a young lady of Worcester Who dreamed Marlon Brando sedorcester. But she woke up to find It was all in her mind: Just a lump in the mattress that gorcester.

She wasn't what one would call pretty, And other girls offered her pity: So nobody guessed That her Wassermann Test Involved half the men of the city.

There was a young lady from Senn Who said, "Let us do it again And again and again And again and again And again and again and AGAIN!"