Santa Claus in a Bottle

Every girl on the loose has a patron saint.

He was originally known as Sanctus Nicolaus. Early Dutch settlers in America called him Sint Klaes. At this time of the year we are accustomed to say Santa Claus.

He lived in the second century in Lycia and became the patron saint of virgins as well as other unmarried girls when he discovered three of them in extremely discomforting financial straits. Their father, who had been bankrupted, saw no reason why his daughters shouldn't walk the easy street of sin for their livelihood. St. Nick was inflamed with anger. And so on each of three successive nights, while the girls slept, he deposited a bag of gold in their bedrooms. The girls, thus saved from the world's oldest profession, used their dowries to capture male foot-warmers and lived happily ever after.

Not every young male hopeful, particularly at Christmas time, finds it practical to climb a fire escape and leave a bag of gold in his girl's bedroom, but he can stimulate the nymph and bring her around to his way of seeing things with the fine old symbol of Saturnalia -- a gift bottle of liquor.

The whole tradition of refreshing the inner man or woman with drink at Christmas stems from the Roman celebration of Saturnalia or the feast of Saturn. For an entire week all business was suspended while the populace reveled. Significantly, only cooks and bartenders were permitted to work.

In the middle ages, the Feast of Asses, Feast of Fowls and Feast of the Bull were ecclesiastical hangovers from the Roman drinking bouts. Unfortunately, the middle age garglers didn't know modern day liquors. Brandy and bourbon hadn't been invented. When Henry II sat down to his Christmas dinner in 1171, his beverage list was confined to wine, pigment, morat, mead, hypocrac, cider, perry and ale.

Abbots and monks were sometimes the heartiest hellbenders of all. In fact it was necessary to make stringent rules limiting their intake. One of them specified, "If any monk through drinking too freely gets thick of speech, he is to be deprived of supper."

Liquor as a reward or gift was signalized when in 1374 Chaucer received a royal grant of a pitcher of wine per diem to be delivered in person by the King's chief butler.

The Norwegian legend that men may turn into wolves at Christmas is heartily shared by the editors of Playboy. Our wolves are the merry variety who are aware that Christmas is the time of the year for celebrating the good things in life, including first of all good natured alcohol. A fellow and his girl both need a little bottled dynamite to send them into the new year. They must naturally avoid rash drinking, remembering the man who froze to death out West. The jury brought in a verdict, after the proper post-mortems were made, explaining that the "Death of the deceased was caused by the freezing of a large quantity of water in his stomach which had been imprudently mixed with the rum he had drunk."

Picture what frequently happens when you send one of the conventional non-alcoholic gifts to the young lass in her apartment. After much sweaty calculating on your part and shopping in the lingerie section of a large department store, you order a $35 silk nightgown and peignoir. You hope that the dainty nightgown clinging to her radiant skin will loosen her inhibitions and melt her heart.

The gift is delivered with your card. She may take one look at it and shriek, "Oh, the lecherous scamp!" Or she may open the box and exclaim, "Look at it. Of all colors in the specturm--bathtub blue--when I've been hinting for six months now that the only shade I'll wear to bed is amethyst. Oh, the bonehead!"

She stews about the gift for several (continued on page46) Santa Claus (continued from page37) days before she decides to exchange it. Then the well known cycle begins. She can't find a clerk because they're too busy exchanging other people's gifts. Finally she nabs a sales girl and after much searching finds the amethyst combination, a mere six sizes too big. Can she exchange it for some other lingerie, she begs the distraught sales girl. The clerk sends her to the assistant section manager, who sends her to the section manager, who sends her to the buyer. She stands in line, fills out questionnaires, again goes searching for a sales girl until the lamb is so worn out that she can only put the silken set back in its box and trudge wearily home. On your next date she says, "Thank you for your gift," with all the enthusiasm of a cold storage chicken. Your kindness turns out to be a perfectly punctured balloon.

For some reason, a bottle of liquor never misfires in this way. No matter how finicky the girl, she won't be crestfallen because the champagne is brut rather than sec. Nor will she attempt to return the Chateau Lafite sauterne for Chateau Latour.

If you happen to give her a bottle of Kirschwasser and her own preference is for kümmel, your gift is still extremely useful. She can keep it for entertaining friends on all occasions since the liquor will never spoil and the mere offering it to guests is a kind of luxurious gesture.

Finally even something as modest as a single bottle of imported Dutch apricot brandy will set her a-tingle with the very first swallow. Suppose she pours herself a drink. The first sip of golden liquid stirs her taste buds with a sensuous kind of shock. Her tongue, throat and body are filled with an instant glow. She'll want to stretch out and dream.

If you deliver the liquor in person, you can observe the reactions as the quiet flame gradually spreads.

First of all her memory will be mellowed. She'll forget the pawing and fumbling in the taxicab and the jiu jitsu you had to use to extract the first kiss. She'll forget that you called her a nice nellie and that in her rebuttal she referred to you as a rat, a knockabout and a barfly. Under the spell of the apricot brandy, all this kind of sharp-tongued nonsense goes into oblivion. She'll ask you to move a little closer.

Secondly, all her sensations will be lifted into a new sphere. She'll look at you deeply. Your hands, your eyes, your hair and chin will quietly fuse into heroic proportions. Your arms will look stronger, your brow more enterprising, your nose more intelligent, your jaw more plucky than ever.

Thirdly, all her inhibitions will relax. She'll stretch her arms and thighs. You pour another round of apricot brandy and the solid core of her resistance will, of course, liquefy completely.

At this point you stop pouring. After all, you can't permit yourself to assume such heroic proportions that when the effect of the apricot brandy wears off you look like a frightsome creep. Along with Shakespeare you realize that drink "provokes the desire but it takes away the performance." Nonetheless the liquor, your gift, is a key and a wedge. You use it for all it's worth.

There is only one rule to observe in buying liquor as a Christmas gift. The gift should have some distinctive note, something unique but not lunatic. If the recipient of your gift is one who likes bourbon, you wouldn't buy her anything less than a holiday decanter of the best bottled-in-bond whiskey available. It isn't necessary to go out and purchase a bottle of arihi, the 160 proof Mongolian distillation of kumiss. Nor, on the other hand, would you present the young lady with a half gallon of $1.49 vino bottled in the Bronx.

[recipe_title]Scoth Broth[/recipe_title]

While one normally thinks of Scotch as a gift for shining up a prospective father-in-law or for greasing the landlord when he complains of (continued overleaf) Santa Claus (continued from page 46) the noise at your last party, the highland liquor is loved by countless females--as any bartender will tell you. They are the women who like the taste rather than merely the after affect of drinking, the women who love imported Brie cheese and Münchner beer. Brunettes with eyes dark as coal and bosoms as gentle as the heather will take Scotch as a compliment to their mature taste.

Cheaper Scotches are light in flavor. The expensive ones are generally more smoky although all Scotch has a smoky accent due to the fact that the barley from which it is made is cured over peat fires. All Scotches are blends, some of them containing as many as 15 to 20 different whiskies. This is, of course, what makes the flavor of Scotch less monotonous than many straight whiskies. Most Scotch whiskies are 86 proof, although one Scotch introduced last year, Royal Daulton, is 100 proof and is packed for the holidays in a ceramic figurine. You can never go wrong giving such brands as Haig & Haig, Johnny Walker, Black Label and Glenlivet. Santa Claus daddies this year can obtain the magnificent King's Ransom (in limited supply) put up in purple and white jugs.

[recipe_title]Rye and Corn Juice[/recipe_title]

Bourbon and rye are as common as coffee and as well loved. They are fireplace drinks, glowing with a steady inner sweetness that Americans go for. Girls who love to watch football and the races, pretty campaign workers in political drives, women in convertible coupes who dislike it when you kiss them on the cheeks rather than the lips -- for these, such straight goods as Canadian Club, Old Grandad or Old Taylor are perfect gifts.

Among the novelties for the 1954 Christmas season is Old Cabin Still, 91 proof straight Kentucky bourbon put up in the Hillbilly quart -- a figurine that can eventually be used for a lamp base, book ends, etc.

For the feast of Sanctus Nicolaus, Seagrams are putting up their 7 Crown whiskey in a bronze metal server. Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey is offered in an English silver server -- both handsome containers for open season house parties. Both Old Grandad and Old Taylor whiskies are now being presented in decanters with a sheet of "magic gold" -- a paper which enables you to write on the bottle any inscription you wish to send to the recipient of your thoughtfulness. The Raymond Loewy designed decanter of Old Forester should make this hearty Kentucky Bourbon one of the holiday's smartest swigs. Finally, Glenmore Bourbon put up in the "Flame" decanter should be potent enough to soften the coldest biscuit on your telephone list.

[recipe_title]Russian Lightning[/recipe_title]

The amazing rise in the sale of vodka recently has a very simple explanation. Men of the liquor industry studying popular tastes discovered that 54 percent of the people who like to drink don't like the taste of liquor. They started to push vodka, since vodka is practically tasteless, and the response was magnificent. Its tastelessness is accomplished by passing the distillate through a bed of charcoal. Vodka, these days, is imported from such Soviet satellites as Connecticut, Maryland and Illinois. It is sold in both 80 or 100 proof. Buy the 100 proof when you really desire to pull all stops. The Bloody Mary (vodka and tomato juice) and vodka martinis are standard procedures wherever boys pick up girls.

[recipe_title]The French Way[/recipe_title]

For girls who have completed their M. A.'s, who've traveled on the continent, who like Bach and Shostakovitch but who never forget that they are still descendants of Eve, French wines and champagne are luscious gifts. Bordeaux wines are noted for their light subtle flavor, Burgundies for their full rich body. Bordeaux wines are frequently listed by the name of the chateau in which they are bottled. Burgundies are listed according to the parish in which their vineyard lies. For Christmas, your liquor dealer will send the wines in wicker baskets, in coolers or other handsome holiday trimmings. French wines can be part of some wonderful combination drink-and-food gifts. Chambertin with fresh caviar, Chablis and camembert cheese, Graves and Scotch shortbread, champagne and brandied fruit, etc. While dozens of volumes have been written about the clarets of Medoc, the Graves, Sauterne and Chablis, your best guide in buying wine is a sophisticated, reliable dealer who will be glad to choose a vintage that fits your pocketbook.

The champagne taster must have a keen nose, a sensitive palate and, in the U. S., a fat wallet. There are some champagnes, like Bollinger 1928, which are practically priceless -- and other brands, both domestic and imported, that are hardly above the level of lemon soda. Anyone who has traveled in France will have his or her own standards about the best in bubble water.

Playboy has found that the best vintage years for French champagne are 1928, 1929, 1934, 1937, 1941, 1942, 1943, 1947, and 1949.

For bachelor parties and smokers, a good domestic champagne like Great Western provides delightful angel froth, at an inexpensive price.

[recipe_title]Liqueurs and Brandies[/recipe_title]

All liqueurs, because of their velvety sweetness, fruity flavors and rich color, are natural gift favors for females.

Some of the most picturesque yule presents offered now are the compartment bottles of imported Garnier liqueurs. Individual sections of the bottle are provided with spouts for pouring the desired drink. The Firefly, a two compartment bottle, consists of White Creme de Cacao and Rosemint. A four compartment bottle called the Rainbow is filled with Liquer d'Or, Abricotine, Triple Sec and Green Mint. The same house of Garnier also offer their liqueurs in pottery figurines that should intrigue any playmate. Among the figurines are parrots with Creme de Menthe, a black poodle containing Creme de Cacao and a red rooster filled with blackberry liqueur.

For more serious drinkers there are the true fruit brandies, unsweetened, (not "fruit flavored" brandies which are actually sweet liqueurs) but such heavenly fires as kirschwasser,Zwack's apricot brandy and Calvados, the imported French version of our apple jack.

Lastly are the French grape brandies, Cognac and Armagnac. "Champagne" brandy means the brandy comes from the Champagne section of the Cognac district and has nothing to do with French Champagne wines which come from a section of Northern France. Since the fine quality of cognac depends so much on its aging, one should look for the fine specimens of old brandy indicated by the letters V. O. and the still older V. S. O., V. S. O. P., and V. V. S. O. P. For friends who love to linger over their demi-tasse, a combination gift package of a fine French brandy and a bottle of Benedictine is a superb old Christmas standby.

[recipe_title]Sherry and Port[/recipe_title]

Both of these are strictly for sippers and not for gulpers. The advantage of sherry and port is that, unlike red and white table wines, they do not lose their flavor and aroma after they are opened. Girls who wear strapless gowns and long black gloves like to sip pale cocktail sherry before going to the roof garden. Cream sherries, rich, dark and somewhat sweet, are preferred for after dinner drinking. Tawny port is light in color and ruby port is darker and sweeter. Both are delightful treats for between meal or after meal sipping. Such labels as Williams and Humbert, Duff Gordon, Sandeman and Gonzales Byass are automatic guides to easy gift buying.