How to be A Fair-Haired Boy

Over and above the burly-burly of office politics there is a Higher Level. This is known as playing directly to the Old Man, or getting to be a Fair-Haired Boy.

The most direct way, of course, is through the Old Man's daughter, but if he doesn't have one, if someone else has beat you to her, or if on seeing her you feel it's too high a price to pay, keep your chin up.

There are many other ways to make yourself known and loved.

Remember, there may be a human side to the Old Man.

The Hobby. Rare indeed is the successful businessman who does not have some little corner of life that he holds dear. Discover what it is, and join him in it! If the Old Man raises hamsters, collects cigar bands, or plays the zither, your course is clear.

Once you have done some preliminary research you may fire your opening gun, say, in the elevator.

"Got to hurry home, sir. The little devils are whelping."

"Whelping, Finch? Don't tell me you're a mongoose man!"

"Are you, too, sir? We are a rare breed, aren't we? Tell me, do you favor snake meat or kippers?"

You will be asked to his place before long. After this it is only a matter of time.

If you live in the New York area it is not strictly necessary to mess with the little beasts. A handy reference book will supply you with plenty of conversation.

In a smaller town you may actually have to build a rig or pen or whelping stand, because he may want to come over to your place "to see the little devils," or "to try my hand with your shuttlecock."

Only in rare cases will there be any mental effort. You will find that the Old Man has simple pleasures, the major share of his intellect having been used to get him where he is.

You may profit by his example. Intellectual pursuits will give you small reward!

One word of caution: Do not follow the Old Man willy-nilly into all hobbies. If his interest lies in helping and encouraging young ladies, leave him to his own devices. He will not want your companionship.

In this case you will have to find another approach. There are many, as we will see.

The Old School Tie. You are fortunate indeed if the Old Man is a loyal alumnus. If he happens to come from some particularly vile backwater college--and has an inferiority complex about it--you have indeed struck a rich vein.

A few days spent at Old Ivy State Teachers Normal will supply you with all the necessary information and equipment. You need not bother with scholastic history or activities. Leave that to the professors. It will be enough to memorize the scores of all football games back to, say, 1903, the names of all local saloons, fraternities, dance halls, and traditional pranks, rushes, proms, and interclass wars. If your research indicates the Old Man excelled at the Hop, Skip, and Jump, or Indian wrestling, bone up on that, too.

The local pawnshop will supply you with school rings, ties, pins, pennants, and old footballs painted with historic scores.

Once equipped, the rest is simple. A good opening wedge may offer itself on a Monday following Old Ivy's disastrous defeat by a traditional rival. Shun obvious signs of mourning. But manage somehow to get close to the Old Man and mutter:

"Sorry, sir. Not myself today. Rarely touch a drop, but I did belt off one strong one yesterday. Those damned Chipmunks!"

"Chipmunks?" (His nostrils will begin to quiver.)

"Oh, beg pardon, sir, you can't be expected to know. The old school took quite a drubbing Saturday. Old Ivy."

"Old Ivy? You're not an Old Ivy man, uh--"

"Finch, sir. Old Ivy, '24."

"Well, by God, Finch! Old Ivy, by God! Well, we'll get the damned Chipmunks next year, won't we?"

"We did it in '27 and we'll do it again, sir, if we ever get Ozymanowsky off the sick list!"

If you play your cards right, anything can happen, perhaps even:

"Oh, uh, Finch, I'm driving up to Old Ivy this Saturday. Like to come along?"

"Oh, would I, sir! Wouldn't miss that Framingham Teachers battle for anything!"

Once at Old Ivy, be bold! Wear your class numerals prominently. No need to worry that you'll be exposed. Feel safe in rushing up to the first '24 that you see:

"Well, well, Bampton! Good old Bampton!"

"Uh, I'm Gillingham, Bill Gillingham."

"Bill, of course! Sorry!"

"Great to see you again, uh--"

"Finch, Ponty Finch."

"Oh, sure, Finch. Had it on the tip of my tongue."

"Never forget those nights we spent down at the old greasy spoon, huh?"

"Those were the days, huh, Finch?"

You will soon be one of the boys. And you may soon be Special Assistant to the President, too.

The Lowly Beginning. If the Old Man is one of that rugged but vanishing breed who Started at the Bottom, play your cards far differently.

Go into the factory and find some of the old workmen who started at the bottom with him and are, more or less, still there.

"Yup, Mr. Finch, I still remember when young Johnny--we called him Johnny, then--started at the old plant down on Maple Street. Pot-walloper. Only nine years old. Bright boy, though. Used to steal our lunches. Yup!"

Take your time. Soak up plenty of Old Plant lore. Then make a bold move. Head straight for the Old Man's office:

"We're taking up a collection for Old Grommick, sir."

"Oh? Not dead is he?"

"The bends, sir. I'm just collecting from us old-timers."

"Good Old Grommick!"

"Yes, sir, grand old man! Taught me all I ever knew about pot-walloping. I was just a kid. Fourteen. Down at the old Maple Street plant."

"Oh? Started down there; too, did you, uh--"

"Finch, sir. No substitute for the School of Hard Knocks, ain't that right, sir?"

(Note: An occasional "Ain't" or "He don't" is valuable in this approach, even if you're a cum laude from Harvard.)

"Damn' few men see that these days, Finch! Lot of damned mollycoddles!"

A few short months of this and you'll be a marked man.

The Old Home Town. It is equally effective to adopt the Old Man's home town. Proceed in a similar manner. Any good student should be able to ring the necessary changes.

Multiple Fair-Hairism

The keener students among you may well pose this question:

"What if we're not sure who the Old Man is?"

If this query is on your lips, too, tread carefully. The scrap heap is filled with well-meaning lads who have polished the wrong apples. Make sure! Look before you leap!

Choose the Right Man. If you have an opportunity to see him in action you need have few doubts. Use this simple "No" test! Many can say "No" to some of the people some of the time, but only the Old Man can say "No" to all of the people all of the time.

The Double-Barreled Situation. Pity the poor lad who serves two or more Old Men! If your company is a biumvirate, or even a triumvirate, play your cards carefully, for yours is a dangerous game. You have several courses of action:

1. Place Your Bet. Pick the winner. This is daring, and recommended only to the devil-may-care lad with private income.

2. Wait. It probably won't last long. Whenever there are two or more Old Men they will be locked in mortal combat. All but one are sure to go.

3. Be a Multiple Fair-Haired Boy. If you are made of the right stuff you will choose this course. Dangerous, yes, but a good man can bring it off.

Narrow the Field. Remember, you cannot be loved by everyone, no matter (continued on page 39) Fair-Haired (continued from page 21) how lovable you may be. It is unsafe for the average student to play more than two horses, so to speak, at once, thought there are cases on record of successful three or even four-pronged fair-hairism.

Do Not Mix Your Approaches. Remember, the wise young man has only one school, one home town, and one hobby. The careless lad may fall, for example, into the Pitfall of the Multiple Old School Tie:

"Good boy, that Finch! We build the right stuff up at Old Ivy!"

"Old Ivy? But, J.B., Finch is an Aggie! Went up with me for the Indian wrestling!"

Few can climb out of such a hole. In fact, the only shafts you will have left in your quiver will be a disarming frankness or a pretty confusion.

Beware, too, the Curse of the Multiple Hobby:

"Steady nerves, that boy Finch! Nothing like a night at the whelping stand to bring out your true colors!"

"Whelping stand? But Finch is helping me cross-pollinate! Up to his hips in paper bags. Has been since the equinox!"

Suffice it to say, then, that the pitfalls of fair-hairism, either single or multiple, are many--but the lad who brings it off is well on his way to the highest levels.

(Next Month: How to Handle your Advertising Agency.)

From "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying," Copyright, 1952, by Shepherd Mead, Published by Simon & Schuster.