Selecting Your Second Wife

Men ask, "Should I replace my wife?" This is a callous attitude and one with which we have little sympathy. A wife is not like an automobile, traded in yearly as later models appear. True, with cars a new bit of grillwork or a change in fender line can drive you quickly to the showrooms lest you become a laughing stock in the neighborhood. But luckily the models in women are rarely improved. The changes in so-called "fender lines" are slight, the chassis design remains almost constant, and mechanical improvements are conspicuous by their absence. With reasonable care a wife should last for years and years.

Some say, though, that a time comes when you have outgrown a wife, even though she may still be serviceable. She may be, they argue, unable to keep pace with you mentally, or be unsuited to the new and perhaps more fashionable group to which you have risen. Should you then replace her?

No — never!

Wear Out your Wife

Replacing wives is wasteful and should not be encouraged under any conditions. Do not cast off a wife — wear her out.

To our pioneer forefathers, divorce and desertion were almost unheard of. In those days men simply wore out their wives, and it was rare indeed to find a man who had not worn out two or three of them. These were the days of busy, happy homes — and they can return.

A word of caution: it is best to wear out a wife evenly. Keep her busy in a great variety of ways and she will develop a nice patina, so becoming to so many women. The woman worn out piecemeal takes on a spotty and irregular appearance, one of which you may not be proud.

Question the Wall Paper.

Once you begin to grasp the basic logic behind this strategy, you will develop techniques of your own. But for students who want one more example — and one that is especially recommended for even wear on the wife — we suggest questioning the wall paper.

"Uh, Phoeb, I just happened to notice the wall paper in the hall."

"Oh? What about it, Davie?"

"I don't want to say anything about it. After all, you picked it out. Just look carefully at it in broad daylight."

(Do not make a specific criticism, which would only cause an argument, one which you would have small chance of winning.)

Don't refer to the subject again. After a.week or so you can be sure things will happen.

"Davie, I've been thinking about that wall paper."

"Oh? What wall paper, pet?"

(Pretend at this point that you have forgotten all about it.)

"In the hall. You said you didn't like it."

"Did I? Looks fine to me."

"It's the color, I'm sure. I thought it was maroon, but in the bright daylight it's almost a brown."

"Well, let's not worry about it, pet."

(The mechanism has started. You need only apply the brakes occasionally.)

"Davie, don't you care anything about your home? If it's really a brown, that throws everything off, the whole color scheme."

"Well, just pick up a couple of rolls of paper, pet."

This will go on for several weeks.

"Davie, I was just wondering about the wall paper."

"Oh, bought it already?"

"I've been to dozens of stores, and I had some picked out, but I got to thinking—instead of the new paper, maybe we could keep the old paper and change the carpeting——"

"Fine, pet, just keep looking around — but I'd go easy on buying anything."

Carpeting will lead her to slip covers, slip covers to drapes. She will be busy and happy. The really skillful husband can manage it, too, so that very little actual money is spent.

"I think I've got it worked out, Davie."

"I don't think you're planning big enough, pet. Why put any more money into this old house? I think we've outgrown it. Why don't you start exploring around?"

The whole process should last for many months, and will keep her busy and contented.

What to Look for in the Second Wife

By now we will assume you have worn out the first wife and are ready to select another. What should you look for?

The qualities that make up the ideal first wife are seldom needed in the second. The first wife, as we have seen, must be well-muscled and vigorous, since she will be in a sense a maid of all work.

The second wife can be chosen differently. We can assume that by the time you are ready for her you will be older and more fastidious, and, of course, far wealthier. You should be able to afford a staff of people to do the rough work.

Briefly, the second wife is to the first wife as a Jaguar roadster is to a Ford station wagon. She will be a sports model. (It would be wise to point out at this juncture that you may be middle-aged when you select the second wife. You will not be too keen for the outdoor life. Choose a girl who is good at indoor sports.) She should have all the fun-loving qualities of the good fiancée. No need, however, for the bursts of strength or the ability to do without sleep. She will have ample time to rest.

She must be at least eighteen years old — may indeed be as old as twenty-five or twenty-six — and should have breathtaking beauty, both of face and figure.

No need to test for firmness. You are not seeking womanpower, only luxury and comfort. Find, if you can, a girl who has the consistency of an expensive foam rubber sofa.

She should be physically lethargic. If not, her youth may lead her to great activity. This may take her far from the fireside, and from you.

Finally, she must be good-natured, understanding, and tolerant, for as you advance in years you will become grumpier and less manageable.

If she has all these qualities, you have found a pearl indeed. Treat her well. If properly cared for she will never wear out.

Keep her happy and she will repay you well.

Next Month:

"Conceiving Can Be Fun"