Enter the Handsome Stranger

A new device has been invented by American playwrights and about time, too. The rest of you have probably discovered it already and perhaps a few sociological tracts have been written about it, but I'm a little slow in latching on to these things, so you'll have to be patient with me.

Fashions in dramaturgical devices come and go, of course. During the time of Eugène Scribe, Victorien Sardou and other constructors of the pièce-bien-faite, the Crucial Letter, read by someone other than the addressee, changed the course of more dramas than Carter has pills, as they say. Later on, James M. Barrie wrote The Admirable Crichton and inaugurated the still-popular situation wherein a clutch of clashing citizens are stranded together in some remote covert (such as a bus stop or a petrified forest) for the sole purpose of getting on one another's nerves.

The latest gimmick goes like this: to one dull, rural community, the focal inhabitant of which is a virgin starved for the right kind of masculine attention, introduce a swaggering, arrogant (but poetic!) young man who is only too happy to give it to her, thus gladdening her heart and assuring a happy curtain and/or fadeout. N. Richard Nash's The Rainmaker is the latest example I can point my horny finger to, but Tennessee Williams' Baby Doll and William Inge's Picnic will serve just as well. And maybe you can think of one or two more -- I can't do all the work around here, you know.

If the class of budding playwrights will come to order and stop throwing erasers at each other, the old professor will demonstrate further. And if the old professor won't, I will. The wonderful thing about this fine new artifice -- I might call it phallus ex machina if I were of a waspish turn of mind -- is that it can be applied to almost any dramatic situation, thus rendering fashionable and up-to-date the hoariest of plays. To bludgeon home my point, I will ask you to take a play, any play, don't let me see it, hold it behind your back -- and I will recast it in this latest popular mode. What's that? Romeo and Juliet? Well, that may present a few problems, but I'll try ...

• • •

Our scene is the drowsy little town of Verona, Tennessee (population, 75). It is raining. The set represents the once grand, now decaying home of Colonel Capulet -- and since it is designed by Jo Mielziner, or the closest thing to Mielziner we can get, we simultaneously see the house's exterior, interior, roof, cellar, attic, porch, every single room and the back and front yards, all superimposed on each other. In the nursery, Julie Doll, the voluptuous Capulet daughter, is asleep in a crib, sucking her thumb. In the bathroom, Colonel Capulet is asleep in the tub, sucking his toe. Offstage, some damned fool is singing "Shenandoah," apparently under the mistaken impression that this is "Mourning Becomes Electra." He is abruptly silenced, by a quick-witted stagehand. Aunt Hyacinth Linthead is out front with an umbrella, picking dandelions for the stew. The phone rings. Aunt Hyacinth screams bloody murder, abandons the umbrella, does a buck-and-wing off left, reappears from stage right, falls to one knee and croaks a fast chorus of "Swanee" before beginning to muster courage to answer it. Colonel Capulet stirs uneasily in the tub, awakens and calls:

Colonel

Aunt Hyacinth, yo' no-count no-neck monster, get off'n yo' dead butt and answer thet cotton-pickin' phone, y'heah?

Julie Doll

(sucking her elbow)

Pappy, wuffo yo' always pick on Aunt Hyacinth thetaway? Ain't she been good to us, a-fetchin' and carryin' and washin' and cookin' dandelion stew and caraway seed soup and peanut butter pie and hawg jowls glacé for us and everthang?

Colonel

Julie Doll, thet ole lady cain't cook a decent meal to save her soul.

Julie Doll

I like the way Aunt Hyacinth cooks, Pappy; everthang slides down nice and greasy.

Colonel

Shet yo' mouth, Julie Doll. (Calling) Aunt Hyacinth Linthead, you nutty old bat, who was thet on the phone?

Aunt Hyacinth

Warnt nobody.

Colonel

Warnt nobody by the time y' got to it, y'mean! (Under his breath) I declare, sometimes I think thet woman's got Montague blood in her veins!

Julie Doll

I heerd you, Pappy! I heerd you say thet terrible nasty thing about pore ole Aunt Hyacinth! Why, thet ole lady is as good a Capulet as you are, and you know it! She a hunnerd percent white Protestant trash, sho enough! Ain't none o' thet feudin', fussin', furrin Montague blood in her at all!

Colonel

(ashamed of himself)

Waaal, I didn't really mean it. (He looks out the window.) Sho wish it would stop rainin'.

Aunt Hyacinth

(soaking wet)

Why, Colonel honey, rain is the blessed tears of the heavenly angels in thet Holy City up yonder, hallelujah! And it makes the dandelions grow, glory be!

Colonel

And it makes the funniture float right out of a man's house, too! They call thet a flood, glory be!

A darkly handsome young man leaps into view, lands on the balls of his feet, smiles broadly and waves to the mezzanine. He carries a short hickory stick -- it is his weapon, his magic wand, his pride of manhood. How Freudian can you get?

Young Man

(laying it on with a No. 9 brush)

Flood? Did I hear someone say flood? Why, sir, that's a word that strikes no terror to my breast! My head is bloody but unbowed! My strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure! My soul----

Colonel

Nevva mind yo' head and yo' heart and yo' soul -- what's yo' name, son? And what, to change the vernacular slightly, is yo' racket?

Young Man

You mean my profession, sir? Rain-stopper! And my name -- Romeo.

Julie Doll

Romeo? Like in Romeo-ver in the clover? (She has left the crib and is sliding up and down the newcomer's thorax.) Thet there's a furrin name, ain't it?

Romeo

It's Sicilian, ma'm.

Julie Doll

Civilian??

Romeo

No, Sicilian -- a very ancient people.

Colonel

Julie Doll, stop slidin' up and down thet young feller like that!

Julie Doll

But I like to, Pappy; everthang slides down nice and greasy.

Colonel

Come on in the house, son ...

Romeo

Come on in? I thought I was in!

Colonel

Everbudda makes thet mistake -- it's this consarned, cotton-pickin' set design. Jest set down anywhere -- it don't make no never mind, (Romeo sets on Julie Doll, who is conveniently groveling at his feet.) Now then, young feller, yo' happen to be a man with furrin blood, and thet's a disadvantage in these parts, but this rainstoppin' you spoke about -- it sho enough sounds sweet to my ears. How you aim to go 'bout it?

Romeo

Well sir, first I'll just sort of rare up and spread out my arms; then I'll snort some, and spit; then I'll do some hawg-callin' for a spell; then I'll incantate a few incantations -- such as ... Tetragrammaton! Poontang! New Directions! Nannieberries! Tippecanoe and Tyler Too! And then? Why then, sir, the clouds will roll away ... and the sun will show its shinin' face ... and the good rich earth of Verona, Tennessee (population, 75) will soak up the water like a big old sponge!

Julie Doll

Thet's mighty purty! Mighty purty! Yo' sho do talk mighty purty.

Romeo

Well, ma'm, beggin' your pardon, you are mighty purty your own self.

Aunt Hyacinth

These here dandelions are mighty purty, too. Poems of nature!

Colonel

Anybody fixin' to call me mighty purty better duck quick. Now, look, son -- I don't mind sayin' you sho do talk a pow'ful spell of rainstoppin'. But what's all this rarin' up and snortin' and spittin' and hawg-callin' and incantatin' gonna cost me?

Romeo

My standard price is one hundred dollars, Colonel. But for you, because you are a full-blooded native of this sovereign state and I am but a lowly Sicilian, the price is fifty dollars -- Confederate dollars, sir!

Colonel

Thet goes without sayin'. I wouldn't be caught dead with thet no good Yankee money.

Julie Doll

Yo' wouldn't be caught alive with it, nuther!

Colonel

(aside)

Aunt Hyacinth, I think yo' and I ought to mosey inside----

Aunt Hyacinth

We are inside.

Colonel

... Well then, we oughta mosey outside and discuss the state of the Capulet finances.

Aunt Hyacinth

Wha'?

Colonel

(roaring)

Money, you snivelin' idiot! (To Romeo) Will you excuse us for a spell? (colonel Capulet and Aunt Hyacinth mosey inside. I mean outside.)

Romeo

Miss Capulet, ma'm, now that we're alone, I can say somethin'.

Julie Doll

Would you stop settin' on me first?

Romeo

Oh! (He rises and she untangles herself. This is as good a time as any to mention that her only garment is a thin slip that is too tight, too short, and, due to the fact that both shoulder straps are broken, is periodically oozing down and revealing her posterior superior iliac dimples.) Miss Capulet... can I call you Julie Doll?

(continued on page 69)Handsome Stranger(continued from page 58)

Julie Doll

My pappy would turn in his grave.

Romeo

Grave?! Your pappy is still livin', Julie Doll!

Julie Doll

Hah! You call this livin'? But speak up, Mister Romeo, wutchall wanta talk to me about?

Romeo

Julie Doll, I can tell you're troubled ... tormented ... all twisted up inside. Because you're unloved, that's why. Because you think you're plain. Because you don't believe in yourself as a woman! But you are a woman! You gotta believe that!

Julie Doll

Well, it ain't been easy -- of all the 75 population of this town, one is me, four is ole men, three is ole women, five is babies, 61 is decadent Southron writers and one is a hawg. Now you know them kind o' critters cain't do a strappin' gal like me no good.

Romeo

(impulsively)

Let us seize the fleeting moment! (He seizes the fleeting moment and then he seizes Julie Doll. But soon he breaks away, disturbed.) No ... I can't ... not with you.

Julie Doll

What's wrong with me? (Her slip has slithered all the way off and it is obvious to the veriest cretin that there isn't a thing wrong with her.)

Romeo

You're a Capulet! And I --I am a Montague!

Julie Doll

Aw shucks, feller, what's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Romeo

That's mighty purty! Mighty purty! (Since he is staring fixedly at a point just under her collar bone, he may not be referring to her sudden flight of poesy.)

Julie Doll

(looking offstage)

Uh-oh -- heah comes Tom Tybalt. (Enter tom tvbalt, a large, leering, simian young man with a hairline that meets his eyebrows. He says nothing; Merely Paws Julie Doll in an offhand manner.)

Romeo

Julie Doll!! Who is this fellow? He's not an old man or an old woman. He sure isn't a baby. I don't think he's a hawg. Is he a decadent Southron writer?

Julie Doll

(giggling)

Shucks, no -- he cain't even write his own name. He's jest my cousin, so he don't count.

Romeo

Your cousin! But Julie Doll -- he's takin' liberties with you!

Julie Doll

That's all right, Mister Romeo -- I done took a few liberties with him now and then, too.

Romeo

But, Julie Doll, that isn't fittin'!

Julie Doll

Oh, we fit tol'able well if we put our minds to it.

Romeo

What I mean, Julie Doll -- that is -- you're such an innocent young girl, you don't realize -- I mean, with your cousin ...

Tom Tybalt

(slowly turning to Romeo)

Yawl leave us'n be, stranger. Yawl don't cotton to our ways, yawl better git.

Romeo

I'm damned if I will! (He leaps at Tom Tybalt; there is a frenzied display of phony stage fisticuffs; Romeo gets in a telling blow with his hickory stick; Tybalt falls, inert.)

Julie Doll

Now you done it. Now you done it! You done killed Tom Tybalt!

Romeo

I ... I'm sorry ...

Julie Doll

You're sorry! What about me? How'm I gonna believe in myself as a woman without ole Tom to he'p remind me now and then?

Romeo

Julie Doll, I was hopin' you'd come away with me.

Julie Doll

You're right fetchin', Mister Romeo, but my pappy'd turn in his grave if I run off with one o' you dago Montague boys.

Romeo

Dago isn't a nice word, Julie Doll.

Julie Doll

Shucks, honey-lamb, we done broke evvy other censorship regulation -- why stop at thet? Don't you cotton to this outspoken realistic dialogue?

Romeo

Does it matter? Like you said a minute ago, a rose by any other name ... (But he is interrupted by the Colonel, who reappears suddenly.)

Colonel

There you be, son! Fifty rare ole Confederate dollars! Now start rainstoppin'. (Notices Tom Tybalt lying in a puddle.) Who's thet?

Romeo

A vile traducer, sir, who was molestin' your daughter. I slew him.

Colonel

Bully for you, son. Ain't nobody can molest Julie Doll and get away with it, 'ceptin' members of the immediate family. Here: take yore money.

Romeo

Sir -- I don't want your money. I want your daughter!

Colonel

Go ahead, what's stoppin' you?

Romeo

I mean I want to take her away with me.

Julie Doll

Pappy will never stand for thet, Mister Romeo -- would you, Pappy? How could Pappy believe in hisself as a man if I wasn't around to he'p remind him?

Colonel

Shucks, child -- you're fergettin' thet a couple o' them decadent Southron writers is gal-folks! Yore pappy will make out all right.

Romeo

One more thing Colonel. I cannot tell a lie. My family name is -- Montague!

Colonel

Montague, Schmontague, what's in a name -- jest so long as you can stop this confounded rain.

Romeo

Now that you mention it, Colonel, that's another thing ...

Colonel

What's thet?

Romeo

I'm a charlatan.

Colonel

I thought you wuz a Sicilian.

Romeo

You don't understand, Colonel. I'm a fake. I can't stop rain.

Colonel

(after an awkward pause) Son, you don't amount to much, do ye? What are you good for?

Romeo

Well sir, that's a pretty tough question to answer. Let's just say that I'm a bringer of joy, a bearer of hope, a traveling Samaritan ...

Colonel

I thought you wuz a Charlatan.

Romeo

... I bring a little love into lonely lives, I cause pinin' girls to believe in themselves as women. And, Colonel, I have been privileged to know a great truth.

Colonel

What's thet, son?

Romeo

Simply this: Verona. Tennessee (population, 75)----

Julie Doll

No, 74. You're fergettin' Tom Tybalt's daid.

Romeo

----Verona, Tennessee doesn't need me.

If your women-folk believed in themselves as women any more than they do now, this rain would turn to steam and blow away! Colonel, I bid you adieu. Julie Doll, the memory of your rustic beauty will live in my heart forever.

Julie Doll

A fine thing! Yawl come sashayin' into town, gettin' a young gal all hot and bothered, then you kill off the only excuse for a man the town's got, and go off and leave her with her motor runnin'!

Romeo

(as he exits)

Julie Doll, a runnin' motor is the best anti-freeze there is. Farewell, honey! (He is gone.)

As the lights dim, Colonel Capulet heads for the nearby writers' colony and Aunt Hyacinth starts picking dandelions again. Julie Doll returns to her crib and her thumb returns to her mouth. The rain grows heavier. The curtain falls. It is all very depressing. But remember -- this is only the stage version! In the movie, it ends like this:

Romeo

Julie Doll, a runnin' motor is the best anti-freeze there is. But the next best is a strappin' young Samari -- uh, charla -- er, civ -- Sicilian! Come -- together we'll span the world with seven-league boots ... on wings of song ... on love's golden pinions ... together we'll make our own marvelous magic. Tetragrammaton!

Julie Doll

Poontang!

Colonel

(from the writers' colony)

New Directions!

Aunt Hyacinth

Nannieberries!

Tom Tybalt

Tippecanoe and Tyler Too!

Julie Doll

Mister Romeo -- look! Yore magic words -- they worked! The sun is shinin'! The rain done stopped!

Julie Doll joins Romeo, and they go off arm in arm, to the tune of "Shenandoah" which swells into stereophonic magnificence as everything slides down the audience's gullet, nice and greasy.

• • •

Well, anyway, you get the general idea. Making allowances for the mongrel strain of Caldwell that crept in before I could stop it, the foregoing is a pretty fair mock-up of the American drama's latest conceit, as practiced by Messrs. Williams, Nash and Inge. Speaking of Caldwell, you should have been around the time I did God's Little Acre in iambic pentameter and tights. But that is another story.