One for the Book

Dear Mr. Branch:

First off, let me personally apologize the other day when I let you go home in the rain instead of sending you home in my "Caddy" with my chauffeur Smitty, but it so happened I loaned him and my car to a certain femme for the day. (Cute, but nothing serious being I am strictly a "field" player when it comes to the romance department. Been burnt "twice" too often.) Incidently my little English car, my Healey was getting its accent repaired (gag) else I would of obliged you personally by driving you home after lunch. Hope you understand.

Mr. Branch, I want to tell you how much I really enjoyed your company plus the lunch that day at Toots (Wed.) tho' it is pretty tough to have a serious confab at a joint like Toots amongst so many pals and specially when that big crum bum Mr. Shor comes around and he's constantly interrupting you all the time which is how that "slob" gets his kicks. (Only kidding.) Hope you didn't mind too much the "Insults" he slung around, altho' you must of wondered why I let so many get by without I going ahead and topping him. Well, Mr. Branch, a guy in my position whereby I've played so many night clubs, cafes, hotels and such in my time the way I done, naturally I could of annialated Toots with a couple ad libs I got in reserve strictly for hecklers, but when it comes to an old pal like Toots it really is not fair I should go and chop him down which I could do like taking candy away from a little kid. (A for instance. "Hey, dope, did you check your brains with your coat?" A guaranteed yock.) But why? After all, when some pal who is Rock Graciano's friend, supposing he takes a poke at the champ, Rocky is not going to let go with a sharp right to stiffen him out cold. Pro's spar strictly with pro's. Same goes with me. Hope you will understand.

Mr. Branch, I wonder if you given any serious tho't to the "proposition" we two discussed together at lunch, namely doing a book about my life? My feeling is right now is the time to put out this here book about my life being I am at the heighth of my career with my own TV show, namely "Jerry Collins and his Capers," which is amongst the top 10 which you can check personally my Trendex rating so just don't take my word alone. Ted, you don't pick up a newspaper without there's some comment or plug or such about me and the show. Ted, the fan mail which you can see for yourself whenever you so desire, it's coming in but by the sackfulls. Now I believe in the motto "Strike whilst the iron is hot" and believe me, Ted that iron is so hot it's positively sissling. Hope you don't think I am giving you a pump job. Strictly a fact.

When I think what a book about me will gross, Ted it is so staggering it positively takes the breadth away. First off, you can count on one of the top magazines doing a six--eight part serial with all kinds pictures galore which I got from my babyhood days on up to the time I posed with Presidents, with the Queen at the Command Performance the time I played the Palladium, with name generals when I did the U.S.O. bit and with all kinds famous personalities creeping in and out my life. Second, the book will get plenty free plugs from me on my own TV show -- that's for sure. Thirdly, am willing to make a p.a. tour to all the book stores and I myself will personally autograph any and all copies so long the demand will last. And finally have got pals amongst the disc jocks and m.c.'s -- people like Ed Sullivan, Steve Allen, Ernie Kovacks, Barry Gray and their ilk who will gladly give me free air to plug the book. Ted, I see this book snowballing up and down the country to where there is simply no limit to what it could gross. Besides which, have discussed the whole matter with Pinky Farber, my "praise" agent who knows but thoro'ly how to get behind a product and push it (he's doing pretty OK by yours truly, by the way) and Pinky got some highly original ideas his own self. Great boy, Pink. The most. Incidently it was Pinky who recommended me you are the ideal person to go ahead and write my life story. (Tho't you might like to know.)

Frankly speaking Ted, when it comes to writers and the big-word racket, I am strictly from Dumbsville. All I know tho' is whilst I could of gotten my TV writers to do the job, I figured you don't go to a tonsil man to cure a busted arm and "vice-a-versa." This here happens to be an age of specialists which we are living in today which is why I went ahead and I informed Pinky he should recommend me a writer who is a professional book man which he did, namely you.

When Pinky mentioned me your name, right away I gave out with the "Sonny Tufts?" bit. (Hope you will understand, but frankly Ted, I did not know at the time.) Then when he explained me your experience on newspapers, your articles and the books you wrote, naturally I says to Pinky "but will he dig me and my life story?" "Look," Pinky says, "don't knock the guy just because to you he is a civilian." The best way to find out what is what, he says, is to have lunch with you whereby we each get ourselves mutually acquainted. Hence our lunch date.

Ted, that day at Toots you convinced me right off you were just the typical type writer needed for this here job. When I began popping off with the gags and making with the funnies, am frank to say I liked very much the way you come through, not sitting there with your kisser at half mast. If there is one thing I abwhore it is to have a wet blanket around who when a person is knocking himself out to grab a couple laughs and such, here is this character giving a perfect imitation of a Chinaman namely Dead Pan.

Ted, am really sincere when I say a young fortune could be made of this here book. Furthermore, I'd be only too willing and happy to split up and down the middle, namely fifty-fifty on any and all revenues from the book. Now Ted, comes the part which it is only right to mention, being I believe everything should be fair, square and above board, namely this Ted. Whilst it is thoro'ly OK for you to share fifty-fifty in the book, still any other offers, "propositions" or revenues which might accrue -- other than the book that is, same must be handled by me and any and all such intake must be strictly mine. Ted, this here is one point which I must insist on so if you got any reservations or doubts in this here respect, please come right out and say so now which will prevent any future beefs from coming up later on.

Frankly speaking, what I got my eye on is a one-picture deal whereby I do my own life story in films. Am honest enough to say that the thing which has burnt me up to a crispt all these years was the picture which I made the time I was in Hollywood and which thro' no fault my own was a floppola and laid one great big bomb box-office wise. Felt even at the time the picture was in production that whilst Arnie Ritter, God rest his soul, shelled out money galore, got the best talent available, lavished plenty on production numbers and such and didn't stint even one nickel, still when it came to handling yours truly, guiding him and protecting him with close shots and such, Arnie, God rest his soul, was strictly from Clucksville. (Am not speaking ill of the dead. Hope you understand.) Arnie had me doing low comedy routines and slapstick stuff whereas if I'd of been handled right, he could of made me into the same type zuave and nonchalant comic like Gary Grant, Danny Kaye and that ilk. But was I guided? No. Did they appreciate the type of property they had on their hands? They did not. If anybody wishes to prove my remarks, just look at the zuave type show I do on my TV program (the white-tie and tails bit, very classy) and today I am amongst the top 10 in TV ratings. Same talent, same ability, same delivery I had whilst I was in Hollywood where I am considered all washt up. If the situation wasn't so comical it would be laughable.

So you see Ted why I want very much to redeem myself picture wise. Figure if the book is a smash, which it should be, then it will be like a trailer for my own life story with me starred as Jerry Collins. Figure here is a chance to pick up and choose my own producer with the right "know how" who will present and guide me in one "hell" of a hunk entertainment which should and could outgross the Jolson and Cantor life stories inasmuch as no one would be dubbing in the songs inasmuch as I would be playing myself, using my own legitimate voice, my own natural gestures and telling something that would come direct from the heart and not another actor playing the guy and making believe he is that genuine character which somehow or other is bound to come thro' somehow. Not with me tho' on account I actually would be Jerry Collins. Makes sense, no?

Naturally I am prepared to make some alterations story wise being I would not want my ex-wives represented in any way, shape or form. Incidently the whole Maybelle episode I want should be kept strictly out of the book. Don't even want her name should come up inasmuch as any dame who will come along with photographers and release pictures to the tabloids and to my pals and hold me and a certain femme up to ridicule, that dame I got only contempt for and nothing (concluded on page 77)One for the Book(continued from page 48) else. (Maybelle is strictly a broad.) Besides, what I got in mind is before we start the picture to find out what star is going to play the femme lead, then to romance her and when we get plenty of newspaper breaks, maybe we can inject the romance in the picture which would be good showmanship. Leastwise, that's my opinion. So you see, Ted why any revenues other than besides what comes in from the book must be reserved strictly for me. Believe me Ted am not being a "greedy gut." Just stating the facts, ma'm, just the facts.

Please Ted, I want you should seriously consider this here "proposition" which is the same equivalent like considering inherriting a gold-mine which this could easy be. Don't think Ted I am just some type "ham" which desires to get himself some publicity. Believe me that is furthest from my thoughts because Pinky will personally tell you himself that I never hound him and never bother him with the "Yes but what have you done for me lately" bit? Not me, chum. I abwhore the publicity hound like he was poison and assure you my hat-band is the same size like when I first commenced wearing same.

Teddy, old boy, I wish you would advice me as quick as you can what you think of this here deal and your reaction to same on account time is of the essence. Figure the whole thing could be knocked off in no time flat being I got loads of scrapbooks, reviews from my club dates, theatre presentations, television show comments and such, just stacks galore you could wade through at your hearts' content, plus I'd be only too happy to be available to talk things over and you can get any and all information direct from the horse's mouth like they say. Also if you desire same, can give you a list of my pals, managers, club owners and such as well as a list of the people I wish you positively will not consult in any way, namely my two ex-wives and I don't want my brother should be mentioned at all being his only claim to me is that we both happened to of had the same parents. Otherwise nothing.

And now like the man says on my show -- this is that clown prince of fun signing off.

Your "life" partner, Jerry Collins.

P.S. Am writing this letter personally. Realise the English and spelling don't come in the English professor category but then the English professors' dough don't come in my category. So what? Right?