Quotemanship

One of the marks of true urbanity in a young man who is making his way upward in the world is the ability to pull an apt quotation out of the hat at the appropriate moment. And one of the best ways to cook your goose in cultivated society is to come up with a boo-boo.

"As Horatio said, 'To thine own self be true,'" you casually utter, twirling your martini in your best debonair manner – and right away you have consigned yourself to the doghouse. That willowy Smith girl, who happens to have read Hamlet a little more carefully than you have, is going to turn her attention elsewhere. You have misquoted yourself right out of the running.

Beware! Not all of your offenses against proper quotation are going to be as obvious as this one. And some misquotations are so universal that you will make a very favorable impression by coming up with the lesser-known accurate quote. Some joker is sure to "correct" you, and then you can really pin him to the mat, in earshot of the succulent Smith girl, thus:

"There can be no doubt," your victim says, "that Bach is doing his very best in the Goldberg Variations, and that Beethoven is doing his utmost in the Diabelli. Granted, two giants. But what a difference, really, if you measure Bach's basic musical content against Beethoven's!"

"It can be argued," you say. "At any rate, as you put it, two giants. And between two giants, it seems to me, comparisons are odorous."

"Odious, I suppose you mean," your adversary yawns.

"Much Ado," you say. "I believe Dogberry has the line in that wonderful scene with Leonato and Verges in the third act. You might look it up next time you're near a library."

The eyes in the face of the Smith girl widen and then settle on you with a warm and respectful regard. Fact is – she, too, thought it should be "odious." (As indeed it should be – at least according to John Fortescue, Christopher Marlowe, George Herbert, John Lyly, Robert Burton, John Donne, John Grange, Thomas Heywood and Cervantes, all of whom worked the line in somewhere, cheerfully plagiarizing each other. In fact, when that meathead Dogberry says "odorous" he is committing precisely the offense that you are being warned against. In this case, you have cleverly applied the art of correct quotation to the art of one-upmanship, and you have nothing to fear: your rival is now in a state of shock, incapable of thought or action.)

There are many opportunities for triumphs of this sort in the large field of quotation, most of them much sounder than the above example.

Shall we make a sort of game of it? Let's suppose that the following completely impossible conversation takes place between two fellows discussing a prospective conquest:

Harold: Listen, boy, I've latched onto a live one! By the sweat of my brow and a lot of diligent seduction I am proud to say that I have this one made.Made!

Gerald: Careful,friend. Pride goeth before a fall, you know. And are you by any chance talking about Joan? With the great big eyes?

Harold: The same. And I've got it made, I tell you. I know it!

Gerald: Oh, you know it, eh? Let me tell you something, buster: a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. It just happens that you have picked yourself the worst teaser since Lady Godiva. Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Believe me, not a drop!

Harold: You mean you've had a go at this dish?

Gerald: I have. Cold as gold, and as hard to get. With this Joan, you can take the word of an old pro, all that glitters is not gold.

Harold: OK, so brief me. Maybe I can follow in your illustrious footsteps.

Gerald: Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but in this case I'd advise against it.

Harold: You flubbed it, eh?

Gerald: Let him who is without guilt cast the first stone. Maybe you never flubbed one? But you're right – I sure flubbed it. And I tried every new gimmick I could think of.

Harold: Don't you know there's nothing new under the sun – not for a tasty dish like that? So what went wrong?

Gerald: Man, that girl is just too plain determined to hang onto her virtue. I tried everything. I even tried a few quotations from the Bible, to soften her up.

Harold: The Bible? That was sort of gilding the lily, wasn't it?

Gerald: Maybe so. Anyway, it didn't work. You know what she said? "The devil can quote Scripture for his own purpose." Dig that – the devil! Me! And to make assurance doubly sure, she threw a couple of passages right back at me, with chapter and verse.

Harold: Man, this is discouraging. Are you sure you tried all the angles? For instance, did you drop a hint about that inheritance you stand to get?

Gerald: I told you, I tried everything. That was one time I got the Book thrown at me. "Money is the root of all evil," she said.

Harold: But the thing is, did you ever really get in there and pitch?

Gerald: Of course I did – you're talking to the maestro, boy. One night the(concluded on page 78)Quotemanship(continued from page 37) setup looked perfect. I screwed my courage to the sticking-point and put the old proposition right to her.

Harold: And?

Gerald: So who's sitting in the next room, quiet like a bear trap? Her old man, a Bible salesman. I tell you, the way he came charging in, I barely escaped by the skin of my teeth.

Harold: Well, the wages of sin are death, so on the whole you were pretty lucky. Anyway, you've just about cleared up the question of Joan. Read any interesting books lately?

...

Admittedly, a highly unlikely chunk of dialogue. But never mind that. The question is: did you find any misquotations in it? What, none? Oh, you found one. In that case you qualify as a C.C.Q.– Certified Correct Quoter – and are entitled to look down your nose at everyone except another C.C.Q.

As a matter of fact, there were no less than 15 misquotations in that conversation. Here are the correct versions and their sources, with the offending words in italics:

1) In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (Genesis, iii, 19)

2) Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Proverbs, xvi, 18)

3) A little learning is a dang'rous thing (Pope, Essay on Criticism)

4) Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink (Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner)

5) All that glisters is not gold (The Merchant of Venice, II, vii)

6) Imitation is the sincerest of flattery (Charles Colton, The Lacon)

7) He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her (John, viii, 7)

8) There is no new thing under the sun (Ecclesiastes, i, 9)

9) To gild refined gold, to paint the lily (King John, IV, ii)

10) The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose (The Merchant of Venice, I, iii)

11) But yet I'll make assurance double sure (Macbeth, IV, i)

12) The love of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy, vi, 10)

13) But screw your courage to the sticking-place,

And we'll not fail (Macbeth, I, vii)

14) I am escaped with the skin of my teeth (Job, xix, 20)

15) The wages of sin is death (Romans, vi, 23)

Do you get the idea? Just about everyone who tries to use these passages misquotes them. If you are among the very few who can use them, and others like them, correctly, you have set yourself apart from the common ruck and have shown yourself to be a man of cultivation and scrupulous regard for the treasures of English literature.

And if this doesn't help you come on real large with your girl, then, as Horatio said to Iago, thou hadst best annex thyself another doxy, dad.