Dear Ann and Abby

From time to time we and some of our authors -- notably Philip Wylie -- have commented on the encroachment of women into areas of our national life which had been part of the masculine domain. We and our authors have also observed the morbidly clinical and anti-romantic intrusion of the female (as opposed to the feminine) point of view into matters pertaining to the relations of the sexes -- as in The Pious Pornographers (October 1957). To us, one of the most flagrant examples of this distaff envelopment (which has prompted the writing of such lugubrious books as The Decline of the American Male) may be found in the nation's press. Here, daily, for all to see, is the work of two marriage-happy women, Abby Van Buren and Ann Landers, nationally acclaimed as the ultimate authorities on emotional problems. Far be it from us to put them down. Doubtless, they are well intentioned and button bright when it comes to ladling out pungent advice to the lovelorn and the troubled. What's glaringly lacking, of course, is the point of view of the masculine free spirit. It's our belief there's something very wrong in this and we propose herewith to do our small part to rectify it. What follows are verbatim letters to Ann and Abby and their answers (as released by the Chicago Sun-Times and McNaught Syndicate), and italicized emendations and corrections as a knowing bachelor might pen them.

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Dear Ann: I'm a high-class woman, 28, divorced, and considered very attractive. Please understand that under ordinary circumstances I'd never have allowed myself to be picked up, but this particular evening it was raining very hard.

I was on this street corner waiting for a bus when a good-looking man asked if I'd like a ride. Well, to make a long story short, we had dinner together at my place and stayed up almost all night talking. He knew a lot about Einstein, Shakespeare and classical music.

I fell for him awfully hard and was so certain this was the real thing that I let my heart run away with my head.

He promised to call me in a few days but he hasn't kept his word. It's been two weeks now and I can't understand it. Is it possible that something terrible happened?

Let Down

Dear Let Down: Something terrible happened all right. But it happened to you, not him.

I hate to knock the stars out of your eyes, Toots (did you say you were 28?), but this is how The Love Affair of the Century looked to him.

He picked up a girl on a street corner. She invited him to her place for dinner and the evening. He gave her a moth-eaten line and she bought it hook, line and sinker. Period. His mission was accomplished on the first trip. Why should he come back?

In our book, something wonderful happened. You had a lovely evening with a charming guy. Stop bitching and pray for more rain.

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Dear Ann: I have a problem that involves a very delicate subject. I'm no good at writing, so please reword this letter so it will get past the bluenoses who censor your column.

I'm no kid, in fact I'm 31. I've become seriously interested in a girl (no kid either, she's 28). This gal was married briefly and lost her husband two years ago.

She has a very good figure, but I have a hunch it's not all her. I've hinted at this a couple of times and she politely told me to mind my own business. If I marry her, this is my business, isn't it?

Do you think this comes under the heading of deceiving a guy? I am hoping you'll lay it on the line -- as usual. Your answer will mean a lot to me.

Verdad

Gettin' Pretty Nosy, aren't you, Buster? My advice is to accept the merchandise at face value and don't be so darned technical.

A girl who has not been richly endowed has a perfect right to put up a front if she chooses. If this girl has the qualities you're looking for in a wife, what difference does it make if her dimensions are an optical illusion?

Now is the time to find out. If you think the gal is masquerading under false pretenses, you have every right to press the matter and find out. Optical illusions are just that -- as you'll learn by coming to grips with the realities.

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Dear Ann: My problem is not terribly serious. but it's upsetting me. I shop at a supermarket near my home. The merchandise is excellent and the prices are good, so I don't want to change stores. But a certain young man who works in the market always seems to be on the lookout for me.

He makes fresh remarks and always manages to put his hands on me. The boy is about 19 and I'm married and in my middle twenties.

Several times he's suggested that I leave the groceries and he'll deliver them. I've refused, of course, but this will give you an idea as to the kind of young man he is.

I know he needs the job so I don't want to report him for fear he may get fired. But this past week when he came up behind me and squeezed my shoulders in a "playful" mood, I reached the boiling point. What shall I do?

S. M. L.

The Next Time this fresh punk gets even slightly out of line, let him have it right between the laundry soap and the noodle soup.

If he needs a job, he'd better learn how to conduct himself with customers. Let him know that if he so much as comes near you again you'll report him to the manager of the store. And keep your word.

Your problem may be more serious than you think: you sound like you might be turning into a tease and a troublemaker. Every adult male is familiar with women who pretend they aren't flattered by the attentions of men but manage to convey without words -- and even despite their words -- that they get a clout out of this evidence of their attractiveness. By the same token, few men persist when their advances are clearly unwanted. Stop kidding yourself that you're concerned about this fellow's job and be glad you look good to a younger man.

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Dear Abby: I am a young man who is not married. Our office has a bowling team and I am on it. One of the men on the team is married and asks everyone on our team to say he is single when we go to bowl.

He has a couple of girls in love with him and he is still looking around. Should I continue to lie for him, tell the girls the truth or what? I feel like a rat and it is affecting my average.

Bowler

Dear Bowler: Tell your bowling buddy that bearing false witness is not up your alley. Recommend that he lay it on the line without the curves, or do it for him.

You can raise your scoring to an all-time high by exploiting the situation, not exposing it. Keep your buddy's secret and let him cultivate the field. Then, at just the right moment, let each of his conquests know the truth about him -- and offer your uninvolved self in his place.

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Dear Ann: The girl I love is now shopping for a wedding veil in which to marry another guy. I'm sure she doesn't love him, but she doesn't have enough nerve to break the engagement.

I went with this gal for two years and then we had a fight and broke up. I started to go with another girl and this one ups and gets herself engaged to some pill she knew in high school.

I've seen her three times this week (drove her to work, took her to lunch, and drove her home) and she says she's not nutty over this fellow, but he is kind and considerate and they will have a good life together. I have a hunch her folks are pushing it because he is very $ub$tantial. Get it? What shall I do?

Brokenhearted Bill

Sorry, Bub, the days of abducting the bride are over.

There's nothing you can do but bow out gracefully and stop making a pest of yourself. You've made it plain you're available and if this girl were sufficiently interested, she'd give the other guy the air. There's nothing wrong with marrying a fellow who is "$ub$tantial" (yeah, I get it), so long as he has the other qualities you mentioned.

If a girl sees nothing wrong in marrying, for money, a man she doesn't love, chances are she'll see nothing wrong in getting her love on the side. Cheer up, Bill, wait a few months, then give the bride a call. You may be on the threshold of a very nifty setup indeed -- with no strings attached.

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Dear Ann: I'm officially engaged to a girl who always behaved herself and had the highest of morals.

She took a job in another city and promised to be faithful. It was understood this job was temporary and when the six-month period was up, she'd come home and we'd be married.

Well, the six months was up last Wednesday but I haven't been able to reach her for two weeks. Last night I decided to get her on the phone if I had to stay up all night. That's almost what it took.

At five A.M. I finally got an answer. When I asked where she'd been she said her boss had been taking her out. She claims this is no romance.

He's a student of hedonism and he's teaching her philosophy and things she never knew till now. She doesn't know when she'll be home. This girl was angelic and chaste when she left here. What do you think?

Henry

Sounds As If this chaste girl has been caught. Hedonism is the doctrine of pleasure. Its followers believe the prime object of life is the pursuit of self-gratification. You can take it from there.

Write to your girlfriend (there's no point in staying up all night again trying to reach her by phone). Suggest she send the ring back or return and hand it over in person.

Don't lose track of this valuable girl! If she's learned her lesson well, you can have lots of fun letting her teach you "philosophy and things," and once you're educated, no boss will beat you out.

Dear Abby: I have a wife who grabs my billfold and looks through it every chance she gets. She also opens every letter that is addressed to me and seals it back together again. What do you suppose she is looking for?

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: If you don't know, nobody does. And if she ever finds it, heaven help you!

Two courses are open to you. One is to face the fact that her behavior shows she wants you to relieve her anxiety by confirming her worst suspicions, so be gallant and give her what she wants. Second -- and perhaps simpler -- next time she prowls your private possessions, give her a fat lip.