O Mistress His

A young man in quest of a working arrangement with a girl is able to find, if he is square enough to look for it, a substantial body of literature advising him how to gain his end. Daily columns in newspapers, and indeed entire books, are eager to instruct him in such matters as making a good first impression, proper deportment on dates, how to dress, when to send flowers, how to deal with parents, the good-night kiss, and whatnot.

All of this counsel, in addition to being Pollyanna stuff for kiddies, is based on a false assumption. It assumes that your primary task is to win the affections of the young lady. This is not the case. If the girl is worth having, and unless you are thinking of raiding the local junior high, it is very nearly a certainty that the territory you have your eye on has already been staked out. Your primary task is to dislodge the guy who is in there ahead of you. Only then do you start to work on the girl.

The advice books and columns have nothing to say about this problem. We propose to rectify this omission. Our suggestions may appear, to the callow or falsely idealistic reader, cynical; actually they are merely realistic, an analysis of the techniques intuitively employed by the men who operate successfully. If you are made uneasy by the calculated nature of these maneuvers, it is helpful to reassure yourself with the old convenient adage about how much is fair in love and war, and with the even more ancient one about what it is that possesses no conscience. These two spiritual supports will see you through the stickiest times in your roundabout pursuit of the girl.

The following techniques are analyzed in terms of effective strategy:

I. The Good Friend Technique. This is basic, though not absolutely essential. You will try to become your opponent's Good Friend or, if possible, his Best Friend. The success of this tactic will depend in large measure on your manifesting an absolute disinterest in the girl – the first good reason why you should not follow the routine advice about belaboring her with a thousand and one little attentions. Nor should you employ the sophomoric Confidential Report gambit: "Don't let George know I told you, Lucille, but he's my best friend, the salt of the earth, and I wish you'd stop leading him on and teasing him the way you've been doing. Why, you've got the poor guy thinking you're some kind of (chuckle) pathological virgin who hates men . . ." While this may work with a few mahogany-headed girls who will hate George for being a blabbermouth and who will feel compelled to prove their sexual healthiness to you, it is too cloddish and transparent a trick to fool the above-average girl – and it is the above-average girl, we assume, in whom you are interested. No, the Thousand Little Attentions and Confidential Report ploys are too much in the (continued on page 80)O Mistress His(continued from page 77) nature of frontal attacks, and will only arouse suspicions in the hearts of both girl and crony. Such suspicions must be avoided.

If they are, the Good Friend Technique is an invaluable implement for scouting the terrain and determining your best point of attack. By closely observing your adversary, his likes and dislikes, his typical behavior, his attitude toward the girl, you can draw useful inferences regarding her tastes and weaknesses.

II. Areas of Dissatisfaction. Even more important, you will learn of her Areas of Dissatisfaction. Very probably your Good Friend will provide you with direct information. It will pay you to invest a good deal of time and liquor in the hope of eliciting confidences, for you may be rewarded with some such gem as this over a fifth martini:

"Lucille is a real swinger – the most. But damnit, ole buddy-buddy, she really is queer in some ways. Last night I had her up to hear some real gone Sonny Rollins records. D'you think she dug that? She did not. Asked me did I have any Mozart quartets, quintets. And what else does she dig? John Donne's devotions, for God's sake."

The information you have received is priceless. Your Good Friend is guilty of leaving a large Area of Dissatisfaction, and you are the one who is going to fill it. Lucille is obviously a girl of serious esthetic interests. A little easy research will make you into a man who can quote Donne's devotions – and not just the shopworn "No man is an islande" routine – with fervor and true understanding; and Mozart themes are easy to memorize. Let her overhear you whistling one quietly to yourself and you are already in the finals. Lucille is going to want to know a lot more about you.

Of course, your Good Friend's confidences may reveal a very different picture: he digs Mozart and Donne, she goes for Mantovani and baseball. This poses no problem for you. A gift of the right record, a well-documented disquisition on the latest World Series, and you are in.

This, then, is the most efficacious method of dislodging an impacted competitor: befriend him; learn his weaknesses; exploit them.

III. The Length-of-Tenure Problem. If, as sometimes happens, he does not appear to have any weaknesses, it is by no means unwise to start looking around, right then and there, for another girl. After all, there is no harm in being realistic, and the world is full of girls, thank goodness. But perhaps his girl is the only one who will do. In that case it is important to ascertain whether his tenure in the girl's affections has been of long or short duration. Contrary to what the professional advisors may tell you, your chances are better if he has been around for quite a while. The girl is probably not altogether contented with what he has to offer; she may well be receptive to a change of scenery in her love life. Your task is that of channeling her interest in your direction. Here the proper procedure is to emphasize those aspects of your personality that contrast with your adversary's. A difference of age will be of advantage. If he is a placid type, you will manifest an agreeable verve and gaiety; if he is the vigorous outdoor sportsman, you will ply her with stimulating indoor amusements (theatre, jam sessions, secret and wonderful restaurants); whatever his opinions are, you will offer a refreshingly different view.

On the other hand, in the event that he has been in possession for only a short time, your best bet is to assume that she is still intrigued by what he has to offer, and your proper technique is to outdo him in his own field. If he is placid, you will smoke a pipe and be even more serene – and you will reveal depths of insight and thoughtfulness that make his placidity appear bovine; if he is the outdoor type, a couple of strenuous hikes in the country, during which you refer modestly to your collegiate prowess in lacrosse or water polo, should serve to convince her that you are his equal in this field. Of course, you do not slavishly mimic his strong points: you improve on them, showing yourself as superior where he is only so-so.

IV. Behind-the-Scenes Play. This is one of the strongest methods of drawing her attention to your superiority over him. It is quite likely that he is not above the human frailty of thinking rather well of himself. In such a case you should suggest to him that his girl appreciates a man who has a healthy awareness of his own worth. At the same time, you inject into her the thought that he is perhaps a rather boastful fellow; whereas you, by implication, are the soul of modesty. Sooner or later this spadework will pay off. The time will come, for example, when he is due for a raise. This is when you move in. Intimate to the girl that you have been able to influence the powers in his behalf but that you would prefer – because of your innate modesty – not to have him know of your aid. Thus you create the impression that you are an important guy and that his raise is due mainly to your efforts. When, eventually, the raise does come through and he gleefully boasts the fact, the girl will inevitably perceive what a weak and self-important slob he is, and will admire you, both for your modesty and your puissance. Such admiration can readily be translated into a more practical and rewarding emotion.

V. The Indirect Frame. Once you are on reasonably informal terms with the girl, but before you have shown any overt designs on her, you may be in a position to allow the resident obstacle to hang himself, with only a slight nudge from you. A moderate form of the maneuver is to encourage him to continue when you find him making a bad impression. Suppose it is your good luck that he adheres to some extreme point of view. The chances are very good that the more he has to say in defense of his position, the worse impression he will create. Skillfully spur him on to more vehement pronouncements. Soon he has shown himself to be a complete idiot or fanatic. Or suppose he has some mannerism or habit that irritates the girl – smokes cheap smelly cigars, for instance, or talks with his mouth full, or likes to play practical jokes. With a little ingenuity you can induce him to become much more irritating.

A more ambitious action is to set up a situation in which he will disgrace himself. for example, a double date for which, inexplicably, your partner fails to appear. The three of you embark, with you as the third wheel. In the course of the evening you see to it that his glass is always full, while yours and the girl's remain relatively empty. (This is not difficult if you have properly instructed, and rewarded, the waiter. And let it be noted that this is another case in which the unsubtle boob will lose his way, in his naive assumption that the most efficacious technique is to get the girl drunk. This is folly: a stewed tomato is good for a merely ephemeral success, at the very best. Much more substantial and lasting is the procedure we are suggesting.) It will not be very long before your opponent is red of eye and thick of tongue, while you are still your scintillating self. It may very well happen that you and the girl then have the job of getting him home and to bed; thereafter, the field is wide open for you to take the girl out and show her what a night on the town is really like.

VI. The Inferential Shafting. During such a night, with your enemy at a significant disadvantage, you will find opportunity to execute the Phony Concern Gambit, or Inferential Shafting. It goes like this:

You: George sure is a swell guy.

She: The best.

You: And that's why I hate to see him doing this to himself.

She: Doing what to himself?

You: He used to be – I mean, he still is, of course – well, it's a damned shame.

She: Doing what to himself?

You: Well, the way he's hitting the bottle.

She: Yes, I see what you mean.

You: Of course, you can't really blame him, what with the mess he's got himself into.

She: Oh? What mess?

From here on out you play it by ear. Maybe you can get away with, "Well, that girl he got into trouble"; maybe something like, "Well, that horrible boo-boo he pulled at the office" would be safer. In any event, you have implanted two useful ideas in her mind: 1) you are altruistically concerned for his welfare; 2) he is going to hell. From now on she will regard him with a more watchful and critical eye; she will notice little things about his appearance and behavior that she had formerly overlooked. She will want to talk them over with you. This will give you a chance to elaborate on his shortcomings and draw her attention to his physical deterioration: his baggy eyes, his receding hair, his incipient pot.

VII. The Inverse Compliment. It will also be an ideal time to apply the technique of the Inverse Compliment. This consists in appearing to say something in his favor while in effect chopping him down. "Anyway, he doesn't have those callgirls up as often as he used to" is a good one if you can get away with it. "I was worried about those reefer jags of his, but he had the good sense to stop" is in the same class. Probably you will do better to stick to less drastic compliments.

"You've got to say this for old George," you might remark. "He still shows some of his old spirit – like that flare-up of his in the office the other day."

"What flare-up?"

"Oh, it was a discussion of policy and George, brave chap, was a minority of one. You sure have to admire him for having the nerve to call the boss a damned fool right to his face."

"Did he do that?"

"Isn't that great? In front of the Chairman of the Board, too. That's what I like about him – he has temperament and he isn't afraid to speak up, even if he isn't right one hundred percent of the time."

Notice how, in a few wholly commendatory statements, you have managed to leave the girl with the impression that George loses his temper, George is dangerously tactless, George is often wrong. As incidents such as this accumulate, and as she catalogs in her mind the evidence of George's progressive decline, your common solicitude for George will mutate into a more intimate relationship. Especially if you can make that hint about the callgirls stick.

VIII. The Redefinition Principle. This is another method of handling the same material. It differs from the above in being almost its exact converse. Instead of seeming to compliment your enemy on his strong points, you redefine them so that they are revealed as weak points. According to this technique, and supposing that the girl was a bit slow in grasping the implications of your Inverse Compliments, the above colloquy might continue as follows:

She: You're right. George certainly has spirit, temperament. I go for that.

You: Absolutely. And yet there was something disturbing to me about that flare-up of his. Temperament, sure – great! But I found myself wondering whether it wasn't simply that he has never outgrown the infantile tantrum stage. You know, kicking and screaming when you can't have your way.

She: Oh, I don't think it was that sort of thing at all.

You: You're probably right. Yes, of course you are. It's a much more mature thing, an adult reaction to a frustration. But the sad part of it is, he doesn't do anything positive to remove the frustration – he goes off in a neurotic outburst of hostility toward the father figure and insults the boss.

This is a fine application of the Redefinition Principle: you have translated the honorific "temperament" into "infantile" and "neurotic." The girl is going to begin wondering whether she has been giving fancy names to qualities of George's that deserve a much more lowly status.

Obviously, in all of these techniques you must adapt yourself to the prevailing realities, foremost among which is the nature of the girl herself. In this example, for instance, if she is an incurable romantic, you will gain nothing by suggesting that George is neurotic. Rather, you must produce evidence that George is disgustingly wholesome and well adjusted, and that you are neurotic. You might, then, tell the office story not about him, but about yourself.

IX. The Invidious Comparison. This is a cardinal principle; indeed, it permeates and gives form to all the others. Your whole endeavor, of course, is to make him look bad and you, by comparison, look good; very nearly all of the proposed stratagems have this end in view. The Invidious Comparison is not so much a specific device as a guiding postulate. Consequently, particular examples of this basic principle would largely reiterate points made elsewhere in this treatise.

One device, however, deserves special mention in this context, being an especially subtle and effective application of the concept: the More Acute Perception Ploy. It is not difficult to convince a girl that her deepest nature is not appreciated. Tell her, "I don't know you very well yet, but it seems to me – of course, I may be way out of line to be saying this – but I think you have a very sensitive and secret part of you in which you keep your unhappiness hidden," and the girl is unlikely to recognize this as the sovereign corn that it is. She is going to admit that it is true. She is also going to reflect that it was he who was blind to this, and you who saw.

X. The "Square" Tag. Corollary to this is the technique of branding your competitor as a square. It is very simple: whatever he likes is square. All you have to do is say so with enough authority and it becomes so. He likes good clean fun? That is obviously square. He likes modern jazz and Saarinen architecture and Japanese food? Point out how many phonies are saying the same thing and he is a square by association. If, by chance, he is a devout beatnik and digs Zen – my God, how square can you get? The beatniks are the worst squares of all: what could be more unaware and show less insight than to suppose that the beat pose is anything more than a sell-defeating fraud?

XI. Engaging the Protective Instinct. This tactic comes into play after you have achieved a degree of intimacy with the girl. It consists of enhancing her interest in you by appearing to need her help. For example, you can let it transpire that you are soured on all womankind because of the cruel treatment you received at the hands of a heartless hoyden in Houston. This will be a challenge to her and she will set out to prove that women are not so bad after all. Or you can make it appear that, because of some terrible inner torment, you are slowly but surely destroying yourself. She will soon realize that what you need is the loving solicitude of a Good Woman, and will bestow therapeutic attentions on you.

Helplessness in domestic matters is an almost infallible method, since it triggers the Nesting Instinct. Let her find you in your apartment, baffled by the problem of how to rearrange your furniture; gratefully welcome her assistance; let her spend an hour shoving sofas around and rehanging pictures. It is quite likely that you will end up jointly occupying one of the pieces of furniture that she has so tastefully disposed.

XII. The Unwitting Cooperation. There are stratagems in which your foe will actually cooperate with you in your subversive plans. The tactic is to implant in his mind ideas that you wish him, in turn, to implant in hers. With some girls, the Great Lover build-up will bear dividends. Spend an evening regaling him with tales of your amorous exploits (real or imagined), and he is almost certain to recite them as anecdotes to his girl. She will draw a conclusion he had not foreseen: if the guy is that successful, he must really have something to offer; I'd like to find out what it is.

In the same way, your unwitting victim can be used to pass on other information that you wish the girl to receive: that you are a woman-hater, that you are destroying yourself, that you are an expert in this field or that. He will be so entranced with his own entertainment value that he will fail to notice how he is cutting his own throat.

XIII. The Jealousy Ploy. This is an application of the Unwitting Cooperation tactic, which differs from the others in being most advisable when you have not succeeded in becoming a Good Friend; in other words, when you do not lose anything by incurring his enmity. The procedure is to have some third party intimate to him that you are making time with his girl behind his back. He will inevitably reproach the girl with this perfidious liaison, thus putting the idea in her mind. In all likelihood he will manifest jealousy, a state in which no man is at his best. He will become unreasoning; he will affront the girl by refusing to believe her denials, and in other ways will act in a manner that puts him in a poor light. Quarrels will ensue, hastening her disaffection with him, and his exit. If you have managed the previous stages of your campaign with dexterity, these efforts on his part may very well be the impetus that pushes him out of the picture as she becomes prone to you.

XIV. The Ultimate Finesse. It will be noted that the jealousy ruse does not at all depend on the Good Friend technique for its success. It is quite possible to rout an adversary without ever having met him, merely on the basis of careful research and deployment. And there is one device that is more potent than all the others put together. With it at your disposal, you need hardly worry about how to proceed; you can forget about the thirteen categories above. Its effects are swift and long-lasting; it requires no particular skill; and it is very simple indeed:

Have more money.