TV Trio: Three Proposals to Pep Up Television

Improving the bow before oblivion

Thoughtful Viewers, it must be admitted, seldom mourn the demise--untimely or otherwise--of a TV series. The only really saddening aspect of such tiny tragedies is the cowardice of writers who refuse to turn cancellation to their own advantage. As the option sinks slowly in the west, we always seem to find Fred and Alice still short on their down payment for a 1947 Ford coupe to visit Granny in the rest home on Sundays.

One can only hope for a day of awakening when scriptwriters will find the courage to knit up these raveled sleeves with a sharper needle. In our modern world of open ends, unresolved issues, uncrystallized goals, veiled hostilities, half-baked personalities, and old soldiers just fading away, it would be deeply satisfying to watch the final curtain on TV serials--if nowhere else--rung down with a resounding bang.

The Dinah Shore Chevy Show

The music comes up, the curtains open, and there is Dinah in a faded chintz wrapper, her hair in pincurls, a smoldering cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth. She wears an ugly frown, looks at the audience and sneers, "Getting an eyeful, you tin-eared vermin? Came to hear me sing, huh? Well, then, listen!" At which point she launches into seven choruses of Gloomy Sunday, accompanying herself with a pair of cymbals strapped to the insides of both knees. Dinah's guests include Tennessee Ernie Ford, Constance Ford, John Ford, Glenn Ford, Ford Maddox Ford, Fritz Kreisler, Vance Packard and Elmo Lincoln. During station breaks, there are filmclips of auto accidents, all involving Chevrolets. And, at the finale, instead of blowing her usual kiss, Dinah places her thumb to her nose, and--

The Danny Thomas Show

Danny and his wife, Marjorie Lord, and the kids, Rusty and Angela, are sitting down to a hearty breakfast of Post Toasties. They all choke to death, but Danny--in his last throes--craws over to the baby grand to sing one last song. He finds the lid nailed shut.

Gunsmoke

Matt rapes Kitty, throws her in the clink on a morals rap, asks Chester why he walks funny, has Doc run out of town for practicing medicine without a liquor license, and then backs down from a shootout with Arnold Stang.

The Jack Paar Show

Dorothy Kilgallen, Mickey Rooney and Walter Winchell give Jack the Brass Fignewton Award for Sportsmanship. Then Hugh Downs corrects Jack on a minor grammatical point, and Jack pulls out a Dictionary of English Usage and proves Hugh is absolutely wrong. Then Debbie Reynolds pulls Jack under the desk and yanks off his toupee. Everybody tells his favorite water-closet gag, and for a capper, Jack breaks General Sarnoff to buck private.

Sea Hunt

The Coast Guard contacts Mike Nelson: enemy nations have been smuggling drugs onto our shores. Question: will Mike find out how they're doing it? Answer: "It's my patriotic glubglub," says Mike, drowning his brave words by prematurely plunging into the shark-infested waters. Agonizing minutes go by, but finally he reappears on the surface.

"Did you find anything?" asks the captain.

"I forgot a piece of gear," says Mike.

"But you have your Aqua-Lung, face mask, spear gun, swim-fins, ballast, hunting knife, Geiger counter, wrist compass, depth indicator, marker buoys and underwater flares. What else is there?"

"My trunks."

Lassie

Lassie has been acting sulky, so June Lockhart calls in the local vet.

"This dog is rabid," he says finally. "It must be destroyed."

"No, no!" cries little Jon Provost, tugging at the doctor's sleeve. "Please don't kill my Lassie!"

"It's got to be done, my son," the doctor says sadly.

"I'm hip--just let me do it," says Jon.

What's My Line?

The mystery guest is Sonny Tufts. Panel fails to guess him. Then they take off their blindfolds--but they still don't recognize him. John Daly tells them, and they all cry in unison, "Sonny Tufts!!!"

It's long been the complaint of TV execs that the medium uses up material so fast that it's difficult to keep up quality and originality -- a plaint doubled and redoubled by viewers in whom familiarity with program material has bred contempt. Now two solutions to the problem Loom Invitingly: Pay TV And Closed-Circuit TV With The Audience selectivity these transmissions make possible, the industry can reuse all the old and threadbare stock situations we know so depressingly well, merely changing the way the trite setups evolve as the plots proceed. Since this suggestion is offered to the broadcasters as a gratis public service, and because they're not noted for the celerity with which they grasp new ideas, some examples ensue of standard mass-audience TV openers with fee-vee or closed-circuit closers to win the plaudits of selected groups of viewers.

Teacher's Pet--Young Tommy has a crush on his voluptuous history teacher, but she merely repays his apples and ogling with good grades and polite thanks. Then Tommy's understanding parents invite her over to their guest room for a little tutelage while they're away for the weekend.

Fish Story--It was supposed to be a stag outing for the boys when they decided to go fishing, but "the girls" insisted on coming along. After a little floundering around, they all decide to throw in the sponge and have a wife-swapping party instead.

Adventures In Chemistry--Babs and Jimmy help out in tonight's informative lab demonstration, as Mr. Science shows how to add undetectable aphrodisiacs to mixed drinks.

First Date--The whole family is delighted at the prospect of Marybeth's going out with a fellow for the first time -- until they discover that he's an older man: ten.

Hats Off To Love--The wife spends eighty-five dollars on a sequined cloche, and hubby is furious. He snatches it away from her and stalks out, ostensibly to return it for a refund. Safely around the corner, however, he detours to the office and locks it in his wardrobe closet with his black sheath and patent leather pumps.

Closed End--Recently paroled call-girls discuss their private lives in group therapy with around table of ex-customers.

This Was The Army--By popular demand, reruns of award-winning World War II hygiene films.

Club Meeting--Peace officers meet to demonstrate the use of billysticks and truncheons on speeders, jaywalkers and truant elementary school pupils.

Divorce File--Couples wedded last week on Bride and Groom return to discuss community property settlements.

Improving Commercials

it would seem to be both timely and patriotic -- under a youthful administration exhorting America to "move forward with vigah" -- for television to join the vanguard of trail blazers in the search for "new frontiers." With so many industries already using TV as a sales medium, it will be necessary to forge into entirely new areas of the economy for untapped sources of advertising revenue --even into professions heretofore regarded with distaste by the otherwise progressive-minded entrepreneurs of video commercialism. Such occupations as dope-pushing, numbers-banking, the law and medicine have already been explored -- and exploited -- in sober-sided documentaries, but what of their potential as prospects for commercials? The far-reaching possibilities of this hold new concept can be envisioned only by concrete illustrations. So let's put a few examples on the 5:10 and see if they get off at Westport.

Marijuana

Fade in:Comfortable library setting -- book-lined walls, fireplace, etc. Announcer sits smoking in an easy chair; roused from his reverie, he looks up at the camera.

Announcer: Oh, hello there! You know, amidst the Lonely Crowd in this Age of Anxiety, a man has to take his pleasure where he finds it. When the pressures of conformity and the status drive are really bugging me, I like to sit back and light up a Finster Marijuana -- with the exclusive hophead blend … (Holds up a pack) … that gets right into your bloodstream. They fill you with lust--like marijuana must. Yes, there's something special about a Finster smoker … (Camera tightens for close-up of his eyes) ... he has that lively twinkle in his eyes. If you haven't got it there, man, you haven't got it. (Camera pulls back) So the next time things get you down, come up -- come all the way up -- to Finster. Only Finsters have a heroin man's filter -- and a morphine man's kick. Yes, with men who know pot best, it's Finster again and again; and again and again. (Cut to close-up of gift-wrapped carton) Remember -- Finsters are the craziest in giftsville. (Holding up a cigarette) You can swing from either end … and, they are wild.

Medicine

Fade in: Betty and Molly are seated in a living room.

Betty: So you're not going swimming at the club with us, Molly?

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Molly: You know I'd love to -- but I have this hickey on my instep.

Betty:(surprised): A hickey on your instep? You ought to call Dr. Linus Lauf.

Molly:(quizzically): Linus Lauf?

Betty: Why of course. Women everywhere call Dr. Lauf for hickeys, corns, strains, sprains, arthritis, neuritis, neuralgia, nostalgia, lumbago, warts, wens, strawberry marks, whitlows, fever sores, fever dreams, insomnia, sleeping sickness, hyperacidity, hypertension, hysteria, hysteresis, athlete's foot. Watch!

Dissolve to animated cartoon film of Dr. Lauf, who is bald, wears an earring, is clad in white T-shirt, tapered white toreadors and ballet slippers. A stethoscope hangs front his neck. He puffs out his chest, hands on hips, and smiles. A Chorus sings:

Chorus: Dr. Lauf will cure your cough and sneeze and wheeze in just a minute!

Dr. Lauf will clear your chest my dear, and everything that's in it!

Solo: Can he cure a case of sinus?

Chorus: It's a cinch for Dr. Linus!

Solo: Can he fix an aching kidney?

Chorus: That is for his partner, sidney

Solo: And my belly gets quite ill.

Chorus: Well, for that he has a pill!

Dr. Lauf will cure your cough and sneeze and wheeze in just a minute!

He will hypo-up your blood and put some antitoxins in it.

Dr. Lauf … Dr. Lauf . Dr. Lauf …

Religion

Fade in: Interior of revival tent, theChoiris singing.

Choir: Reverend Winkle hits the spot!

Three-hour sermons, that's a lot!

Revival meetings and weddings, too!

Makes your sins say toodle-oo!

The Announcer steps in front of the camera as the Choir hums softly in the background.

Announcer: Yes, friends, that's good advice. Smart sinners know that to feel really cleansed--Reverend Winkle is the man to see. Watch this!

He turns to face the Choir. which stops humming to peg rocks at the Announcer. They bounce harmlessly off a glass mall separating them.

Announcer: See? Just as this invisible shield protected me … so Reverend Winkle puts an invisible shield around your soul -- to protect you from evil better than any other leading reverend. Reverend Winkle eliminates the middleman ... guarantees your path down the Glory Road or double your tithings back. (Soothing and intimate) If you happen to sin this weekend, Reverend Winkle will stake you feel good about it, because Reverend Winkle's counsel has the miracle ingredient--XI:-46--for extra solace. So ask for Winkle by name: Reverend Winkle, the man who brings you better things for better living … through theology. Choir?

Choir: Reverend Winkle, he's for you! See him best front the very first pew!

On baptisms he does so well!

He never lets you go to Hell!

Workmen's Compensation

Fade in: Interior of a factory. Clyde and Jeff are happily at work at a lathe. Suddenly, Clyde looks toward the ceiling and cries in alarm:

Clyde: Jeff! Jeff! Watch out! That crane is going to fall on you!

A giant crane is seen falling to the floor with a sickening crash. Cut to close-up of Jeff, eyes squeezed shut and mouth set against the terrible pain.

Clyde: Jeff! You're hurt! I'll call the hospital.

Jeff (weakly): No ... no ... just call Attorney Brad Seaton ... He'll help me (music: glissando).

Dissolve to the Announcer, standing in courtroom settiug, scales of justice in background.

Announcer: Smart roan, that Jeff. He knows that for Workmen's Compensation cases, no one does the job like Brad Seaton. Discriminating and knowledgeable folks who are hurt on the job always call "Big Settlement Brad" whenever they have a case. They know they can count him hint to stake the most of it. (He holds up crutches) Limp into court on these … (He throws the crutches away, off camera) ... then throw them away, and wheel out set for life--the Brad Seaton way. Look what he did for our friend Jeff.

Dissolve to the factory interior. Jeff is in a wheelchair.

Clyde: Sure was nice of the foreman to keep you on the job, Jeff.

Jeff: Sure was, Clyde--thanks to Brad Seaton's settlement, which enabled me to buy fifty-one percent of the company's stock.

Psychiatry

Fade in: Extreme close-up of an agitated man. He licks his lips nervously and his eyes dart about. The forehead has been whitened to indicate the cranial cavity and the word "Psycho!" pulses over the white area in tempo will the Announcer's words.

Announcer: Here's exciting news lot psychos … psychos … Psychos! (Dissolve to still photo of Sigmund Freud) Not since Sigmund Freud cracked the dream barrier has there been such news! For a limited time, Doctor Frederick Feinschreiber, is offering forty percent off on all sessions for simple neuroses ... up to sixty percent off for severely disturbed cases of percent off for severely disturbed cases of paranoia and schizophrenia. (dissolve to stark white human head slowly turning on a pedestal) Now ... now ... Now is your chance to tell your troubles to Dr. Feinschreiber ... tell him what you really think about Mummy ... learn to fight death wishes ... to pay for things at the department store. You'll discover a whole new world of complexes and fetishes. You'll learn the truth about your ego, your, id, your libido. Free-associate the modern way with Dr. Feinschreiber. (Dissolve to a series of ink blots) This week only. Dr. Feinschreiber offers a genuine Rorschach for only $14.98 ... a written evaluation of your behavior pattern in a situation of your own choosing for only $7.98. Or, ask about our family plan. (Dissolve back to the revolving head on which is now written the telephone number: LO 5-8000) Call LO 5-8000 today, and make an appointment with Dr. Feinschreiber, Don't put it off any longer. Know the real joy of being normal.

(Dissolve to a long shot of Dr. Feinschreiber, in silhouette. He stands in the Yorick position, gazing at a skull, while the Chorus sings softly:

Chorus: You go to my head

With a therapeutic session ortwo.

No more am I depressed orso blue

And best of all the paymentsare few ...