Equal Time for Johnny Reb

Scene: a conference room at the Mc-Dermott-Osterman Advertising Agency. Seated around a small table are Chester Hopkins, director of TV activities for the agency; harvey kingsley, president of Zephyr Cigarettes; Bob wollman, a TV producer; and Jim cowan, a writer.

Hopkins

Good news, Jim. Mr. Kingsley has decided to sponsor your One Nation, Divisible television script.

Cowan

Wonderful!

Wollman

We certainly appreciate your courage, Mr. Kingsley. Especially since twenty-three advertisers turned the story down, for fear of injuring the south's feelings.

Kingsley

Oh, don't thank me. Thank Jim for his excellent script. With a few small revisions, this is going to be a Civil War story that Zephyr Cigarettes will be proud to present to the American public.

Cowan

(His elation somewhat tempered) Small revisions, sir?

Kingsley

Yes, but believe me, Jim, they're so insignificant that I believe one of the girls here can handle it. It just involves some minor retyping.

Cowan

(Visibly shaken now) I'd like to know what changes you have in mind, sir.

Kingsley

(Chuckling) Jim, I hate to trouble you with such trifles, but...well, first of all, I'd like a rewrite of the first scene beginning with...(He ruffles through a copy of the script) Oh, here we are...beginning with the announcer's words, "...and so, with the firing on Fort Sumter by Southern batteries, the Civil War officially began ..."

Cowan

But... but... what's wrong with those words?

Kingsley

Jim, I see no reason for you to go out of your way to say that the South fired the first shot of the war.

Cowan

But I'm not going out of my way. I'm merely stating a pertinent historical fact.

Kingsley

I know that...but why flaunt it so crassly in the faces of our friends in Dixie? Aren't you being unnecessarily vindictive? After all, the war's been over for almost a hundred years. We're all on the same team now...We see the same TV shows, watch the same movies, drink the same brands of liquor...

Hopkins

And we smoke the same cigarettes...

Kingsley

Why yes, Chet, you've got a good point there.

Hopkins

Jim, I see what Mr. Kingsley is driving at. Now naturally... heh, heh... we can't say the North fired the first shot...

Kingsley

(Slamming the table) We will not twist historical facts! It's un-American!

Hopkins

Right, Mr. Kingsley. But I have another idea. How about eliminating the announcer here and starting the Fort Sumter battle scene off with a soldier – it doesn't matter which side he's on – firing off a cannon, see? Then immediately after he fires, he shouts something like, "Well, fellows, there goes the second shot of the Civil War!"

Kingsley

I'll buy that, Chet! In other words, we imply that there was a first shot, but we don't say who fired it!... Take that down, will you, Jim?

Cowan sighs and begins to write in a notebook.

Kingsley

As for the rest of the script, Jim, it's perfect as is... no more change... except for just one small detail. I'd like you to add about twenty minutes to the Bull Run battle scene.

Cowan

But... but that scene doesn't lend itself dramatically to...

Kingsly

Honestly, Jim, I can't understand you. What have you got against the South? Why are you so reluctant to play up their victories?

Cowan

Mr. Kingsley, will you tell me where we're going to find twenty additional minutes?

Kingsley

Oh, hell, you can always cut out one of the other battle scenes. Like Gettysburg, for example.

Wollman

Gettysburg? But, Mr. Kingsley, that battle was the turning point of the war. Jim can't cut it!

Kingsley

Bob, where are you from?

Wollman

Connecticut, sir. So is Jim. Why?

Kingsley

I've heard of sore losers in my time, but you two guys are the first sore winners I've ever met. Fellows, the Civil War is over... no need to keep fighting it. I'm sure our Southern friends are well aware of the significance of the Battle of Gettysburg, without our rubbing it in... No, the battle must come out of the script. It's the only decent thing to do.

cowan helplessly scratches again in his notebook.

Kingsley

Well, Jim, I think that about does it. They weren't too bad, were they? My retyping suggestions, I mean...Oh, (concluded on page 130)Johnny Reb(continued from page 62) before I forget, one other thing ... no, it's too trivial to bother you with ... I'll speak to one of the typists about it later.

Cowan

(Sighing) I'd rather you told me about it, Mr. Kingsley.

Kingsley

Very well. It's that Gettysburg Address scene. Don't you think you're laying it on a bit too thick there?

Cowan

But this is one of the most famous speeches in history, delivered by one of the greatest men of all time ...

Kingsley

My boy, you don't have to tell me about the importance of that speech or what a great man Lincoln was. But wouldn't you say it's only fair for us to give Jefferson Davis some kind of equal time here?

Wollman

But Jefferson Davis didn't speak at Gettysburg.

Kingsley

Hell, Bob, I know that. But he spoke in places like Richmond, didn't he?

Hopkins

I have it, Mr. Kingsley. We pull the old split-screen bit. On one half of the screen we have Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address, see, and on the other half we have Davis, in Atlanta, or someplace, rebutting him on certain key points.

Kingsley

I'll buy it! I'll buy it!

Cowan

Come now, gentlemen, that speech was so far above petty partisan issues that ...

Wollman

Of course! And besides, Davis didn't really rebut Lincoln. Would you want us to put our own words in his mouth?

Kingsley

(Splintering the desk with his fist) Never! We're not going to rewrite the pages of history!

Wollman and cowan lean back to savor their victory.

Kingsley

No sir, we're not going to rewrite the pages of history to satisfy any sectional group! ... Cut the whole Gettysburg Address scene, Jim, and add fifteen more minutes to the Battle of Bull Run ...

Cowan pathetically returns to his notebook.

Kingsley

Well, that should do it! Now we've got ourselves a nice taut, solid script ... and with a little retyping in the final act, we're ready to roll.

Cowan

(Feebly) The ... the final act?

Kingsley

Frankly, Jim, I'm a bit worried about the Appomattox Court House scene.

Cowan

(Desperately) You ... you don't like the idea of the South surrendering? You ... you'd prefer a different ending?

Kingsley

Let's not be facetious, Jim. We all know the results of the Civil War. What I'm driving at is, why must we present such an unfavorable image of Robert E. Lee in this scene?

Cowan

(Panic-stricken, ruffling quickly through the script) Unfavorable image? But ... but ... listen to what General Grant says about Lee ... where is it? ... Oh, I have it ... Grant says, "Sir, you are generous, sincere and brave. You are a gifted commander and a gentleman of spotless character ..."

Kingsley

Oh, come off it, man ... How authentic an image is that?

Cowan

I'm not sure I follow you.

Kingsley

Jim, how proud would you be, to be called generous, sincere, brave, a gifted commander and a gentleman of spotless character-by a Drunk?

Cowan

But Grant was not drunk at Appomattox!

Kingsley

No, I suppose not ... but hold on, we can take some minor historical liberties ... Why not have Grant drunk? In this way, to some extent we can offset the indignities that Lee is forced to undergo.

Hopkins

Great idea, Mr. Kingsley! Why can't we make a really hilarious satirical bit out of this scene and obscure the surrender thing completely?

Cowan

For three reasons ... it would be historically inaccurate, it would detract from the drama, and James Thurber would sue us.

Kingsley

Very well then, what I suggest we do is ...

Cowan

(Pitifully) Cut the Appomattox scene?

Kingsley

That's right. Then perhaps we can ...

Cowan

(Very weakly) Add ten more minutes to Bull Run?

Kingsley

Damn good idea, Jim ... Well, I think that should do it. We're ready to roll now.

Cowan makes a few more notes in his book, then rises wearily to his feet.

Cowan

(To Kingsley and Hopkins) Gentlemen, would it be all right if Bob started casting the play before the revisions? After all, we're going to need an awful lot of extras for Bull Run.

Wollman

I've already started casting, Jim.

Cowan

Oh, I didn't know that! Say, Bob, I'd like to make one casting suggestion. For the important role of Will Jackson – you know, the slave – I'd like to recommend a fellow who's done some great stuff in small Negro theatre groups ...

Kingsley

Negro theatre groups, Jim? Negro theatre groups?

Cowan

Why ... why ... yes ... you see, I thought ...

Wollman

(Slightly abashed) Er ... Jim, at Mr. Kingsley's suggestion, I put in a call to the Coast before the meeting started. I'm still waiting for that call to get through ... It concerns the role of Will Jackson, the slave.

There is a buzz on the intercom. Wollman pushes down the lever.

Wollman

Yes, Miss Tracey?

Voice

Mr. Wollman, it's your call to Tab Hunter's agent in California ...

"Sponsors of the Civil War Centennial report all TV networks have special shows in the works to commemorate the celebration. But many potential abvertisers are backing away lest they injure the South's feelings by reviving the Civil War." — Kup's Column, Chicago Sun-Times