Beware of Hasty Marriage

the third in a satirical review of how to succeed with women without really trying, by the author of "how to succeed in business without really trying"

At last you will be free of home and parents, free to set your own course. From now on you are your own master, making your own rules. Make them well. On your decisions will rest the happiness of so many.

Should I marry?

Yes, by all means. Marriage is a fine thing and should certainly be tried, at least, by all males.

The wise young man, however, does not rush into marriage. Temptations will be on all sides. As soon as you are eligible, girls will know it. When asked how, scientists throw up their hands. How does the salmon know to swim upstream to spawn, or the robin to build its nest? It is a deep-seated instinct, part of the wonderland of nature. The bachelor who is hasty is sure to regret it. Not only for his own sake, but for the sake of his future wife, it is important to pick and choose carefully.

You can have only one wife at a time, but the bachelor can be surrounded by girls of all kinds.

Surround yourself.

Girls can be stimulating

The period of selection should not be dreaded -- indeed many look forward to it. Bound only by moral responsibilities you will be free to flit from blossom to blossom.

You will be showered with care and attention, which is stimulating and encouraging. It acts as a tonic, heightening the muscular tone, improving metabolism, sharpening the appetite, clearing the eye, improving the digestion, and generally adding to morale and sense of well-being.

How to select the right fiancées

Selecting the right fiancées is just as important as selecting the right wife, though you will select them for entirely different reasons.

The perfect fiancée seldom makes a good wife, and vice versa.

What to Look for:

1. Fun-loving Qualities. Being engaged should be a mad round of Pleasure and fiancées should be picked with this in mind. A merry, even irresponsible attitude on the part of the fiancée should be encouraged -- though, as we will discover later, it is the last trait one seeks in the first wife.

Find a girl who is good at gay parties. The two of you will be asked everywhere. But find a girl who can bring real fun to a quiet evening at home, too.

2. Skill at Games. Choose a girl who is skillful at all the many things a boy and girl can do together. Anyone can buy expensive entertainment, but the couple who can amuse themselves with little or no costly equipment will while away many happy hours.

3. A Talent for Dancing. By all means find a good dancer. Dancing with a skillful girl should be like driving a car with automatic transmission. The man should be in control at all times, and should always steer. Allow yourself to be led and you will lose the respect of your partner.

You need only a sturdy, all-purpose two-step, a sense of direction (even when whirled rapidly) and your glittering collection of bons mots. Almost without knowing it you will be doing sambas, rhumbas, tangos, waltzes, fox-trots and mazurkas -- and having a mighty good time, too.

4. Bursts of Strength. Though the first wife, as we will see, must have endurance and must be good over the long haul, the fiancée is called upon only for short but often violent bursts of effort.

For example, you will find that the bachelor apartment needs little regular care. Dusting is a waste of time, since dust always settles again. The making of beds, too, is shortsighted, since you only muss them up every time you use them.

However, when mold begins to form, you will be glad you have chosen a sturdy girl.

"Really, David, this is a regular Pigpen!"

"Oh, hadn't noticed it, Annie."

"You need somebody to take care of you."

She will come over in her old clothes. While she putters about, it is your duty to keep her amused. A bright story, a snatch of song, and an occasional pat on the head as she scrubs will lighten her task.

If you have chosen her carefully, these little bursts of effort will do her good, trim down her figure, and raise her morale.

It is well to re-emphasize here our cardinal principle:

A woman loves you not for the things you do for her, but for the things she does for you.

5. Ability to Do Without Sleep. During this period you will be planning your career and you will need rest. Choose a fiancée who requires little sleep, especially if she lives far away.

"Goodnight, David."

"Goodnight, Fran. Be careful driving home."

"Yes, David. I'll pick you up in the morning."

"Not too early. In time for the game."

The drive, say, to Connecticut and back may be tiring, but if you have picked a firm, healthy girl you need have little worry.

6. Capital Goods. Though stocks and bonds are worth considering in the future wife, you need make no such inventory of the fiancée. Just make sure she has good physical equipment -- say, the use of a convertible, beach house, tennis court, club membership or the like. Are they paid for? This is not your concern. They need only be in good working order.

Her family can help

Many young men feel that the fiancée's mother is a danger spot, to be avoided if possible. This is immature and foolish. Her mother, if properly handled, can be your most valuable ally. Get her on your side.

"Do you mind if I call you 'Mother,' Mrs. Simpkins?"

"Why, no, David, not at all!"

(She will never mind.)

Once you have established yourself as a lovable boy, let her know you are made of solid stuff. Mothers think ahead, into the future. Think with her.

"She's such a child, Mother Simpkins. Wish you'd help me bring her down to earth. Face realities. Home, little ones -- and, one day -- a place by the fire for Granny."

A general attack on the whole moral structure will be helpful.

"You've done everything humanly possible, Mother Simpkins. But these days, with Real Values slipping, one can scarcely go through a day without, somehow, a sense of moral outrage."

"Shouldn't people have some fun, David?"

"At whose expense?"

After a bit of this you will be on firm ground.

"Mother, can't I stay out just a little later?"

"No. I told you before that ----"

"But I'm going with David, Mother."

"Oh, well then. I'm sure you'll be all right with David."

How to break engagements

There can be real magic in an engagement as long as it is kept on a vague and timeless basis. Once a wedding date is mentioned and active preparations are under way, the magic flies. You may even develop unpleasant nervous disorders.

Avoid a date. Your object will be to create a feeling of vague enthusiasm.

When talk becomes specific or when, for any other reason, the laughter begins to go out of your romance, it is time to break the engagement.

Try, whenever possible, to spare her feelings. It is best to make it seem that she is tiring of you.

1. The Transfer of Title. Make a home for her in another's heart. If you handle it properly you can make it seem that you are the one who is being abandoned. Choose a reliable fellow, one that you feel would make her happy.

"How do you get muscles like that, Joe?"

(If, for example, he is the outdoor type.)

"Well, uh, Dave, you gotta keep trainin'."

"Maybe I ought to go in for that. Every time I come near Fran she says, 'If only you had beautiful muscles like Joe!'"

"She did, huh, she did?"

"Yep. Oh, she loves me, I guess. If she'd only stop talking about you, Joe."

Speak to her, too.

"Thought you'd be safe with Joe at the club dance, Fran. Now I'm beginning to wonder."

"Oh?"

"He hasn't talked of a thing since. Watch your step now! After all, a guy with all Joe's money is always a temptation."

"Has Joe got money?"

(Money always piques female interest, and can be mentioned freely, (concluded on page 205) Hasty Marriage (continued from page 120) regardless of facts. Checking takes time, and young hearts melt quickly.)

"Thought you knew about his grandmother. Fabulous."

You will find there is nothing like mutual admiration to bring a boy and a girl together.

2. The Consuming Passion. This is most effective when your real complaint is a lack of fire.

"I'm afraid of us, Ethel."

"Of us, Davie?"

"Of our passions. Burn us both to ashes."

Give her one last flaming kiss, stifle a sob, and walk away. Do not turn back.

3. "It's Bigger than Both of Us." This is effective only if you never reveal what it is that is bigger than both of you.

4. The Sudden Break. Breaking an engagement is like removing adhesive plaster. Do it quickly and decisively and you will spare not only her feelings but your own as well.

Many other ways

There are many other methods of breaking engagements. Study your fiancées. Find ways that will suit their personalities. Remember that every woman is a new opportunity and a new challenge.

Bring sunshine into their lives, and when the sunshine is gone, go with it, gracefully and considerately.

Leave behind you the tear of pity, never the angry word.

Common mistakes to avoid in breaking engagements

1. "I'm Not Good Enough for You." Both this and the "You're too good for me" approach always end in disaster.

Every woman looks upon every prospective male as a sorry mess, a blob of all but hopeless raw material. She is already sure you are not half good enough for her, but she had a whole set of plans for complete remodeling, redecorating, and general rehabilitation.

After she gets through with you, she feels, you will be good enough for her.

2. "Let's Be Civilized and Talk This Over." This approach is both painful and totally ineffective. Women, you will discover, cannot talk about anything in a reasonable or logical manner. Your fiancée will either (a) get off the subject entirely, (b) use naked emotion and all that goes with it, or (c) use feminine wiles to confuse and confound you.

Follow these rules and you will avoid being forced into a premature marriage.

Next month: "Dressing the Part"