How to look
Long ago women gave up trying to tell men apart by their clothes. Today they look deeper, seeking the real you underneath. They can do this while you are fully clothed, and time and again they succeed. Do your best to paint them a rosy picture.
Teardrop Design and how to fight it
All human males are forced day after day to keep their shoulders to the wheel. Actually, though, it is not our shoulders that we use, but our minds, which means it is an entirely different part of us that is held to the "wheel," or chair. It is the development of these powerful sitting muscles that enables us to remain chairborne for hours without tiring.
Hand in hand with sitting strength comes the expansion of the chest – downward. This is caused not, as some believe, by overindulgence, but by faulty design of the human body. Originally engineered as a four-footed creature, man was never intended to walk in his current semi-erect position. The result is chest-slide, or paunch.
Together these form a pear-shaped silhouette which is both attractive and aerodynamically sound. If it were not for the critical attitude of women it would be universally admired.
There are several ways to deal with the problem.
1. Face It. Don't upset the balance of nature. Live with it. You will find many ways to adapt yourself, including a skillful and attractive method of sidesaddle dancing.
"Davie, is that you around there, too?"
"Yes, pet. Everything all right?"
"I don't know. Seems to me we've developed a list to starboard."
"Must be this new step, pet."
2. Don't Admit It. Retain the same trouser size, sucking in the powerful abdominal muscles until the belt is fastened. This is effective, but can lead to broken seams, jammed zippers, and a strangled expression.
3. Let Science Help. Luckily science has come to the rescue with a number of fine commercial devices. These are not to be confused with the female girdle, which also helps to hold up the stockings. Few if any of the male devices have attachments for supporting the socks. They are designed only to help your own steel-spring muscles give you a trim, athletic appearance.
Wear Tweeds
A rough tweed will help the frailest fellow maintain a manly appearance. Careful, though, not to choose one so rough that twigs or bits of underbrush are woven into the fabric.
A good test of a tweed is to brush the arm gently over a bare female shoulder, if one is available to you. If there are scraping noises or rumpled feelings, select a softer weave.
Should I wear shorts?
We are too close to our knees to judge them impartially. The wise gentleman regards them as though they belonged to someone else. Look at your own in this light and you may choose long trousers, or at least pedal pushers.
If, on the other hand, you can show a really "good leg," it is not only safe but provocative to wear shorts or tight riding breeches.
Next month: "Be Well-Rounded"
