Be Well-Rounded

Make Her Proud of You

The girl of your choice will want to be proud of you. Make it easy for her.

You may say, after thinking of yourself for a moment, that it is impossible for her not to be proud of you. Do not be deceived. Few women have your own keen judgment of character, few will realize that you are as good as you really are. You will have to help them.

Be Physical

You must decide early whether you want to display great strength or great weakness. There is no middle ground. If you cannot have bulging biceps and a grip of iron -- and so few of us can -- it is best to be puny.

Use this simple rule of thumb: If you can't pick her up with one hand, plan your physique so that she can pick you up, or want to, which is almost the same.

Be Mental

All women like to think they are in the company of intellectuals. Do your best to make them think they are.

It is much better, however, to seem to be a mental giant than to be one. Being one may make women go for you, but will leave you no time to go for them. You will soon learn that if there is anything women need a great deal of it is time.

Your first step will be to look intellectual. It will help to wear a pipe, clamped firmly between the teeth, but not smoked. All women "like pipes" but not the fumes from them. Light it occasionally, but allow it to go out quickly. It will do this anyway.

Have the head trimmed regularly, but train one forelock to dangle carelessly across the forehead.

Your setting will be important, too. At least one wall of books is essential. Display prominently two or three shelves of paperbound books in French.

"Sartre! My, Davie, I think he's divine, don't you?"

"Don't ever touch him in English, though, darling. Matter of rhythm. Breaks down utterly."

(Snatch up any volume, read off a sentence or two. Never translate.)

"There. See what I mean? It flows, damnit. it flows."

"It certainly does, David. It's so -- so French!"

A half-dozen volumes in some obscure language, say Arabic or Sanskrit, are excellent. Pretend almost total ignorance of the language.

"No. no, really! I just stumble through it. Nothing but imagery anyway, when you pin it down."

Several racks of records are de rigueur. One refreshing approach is to ignore utterly the classical records.

"Hope you're a real aficionado. darling. Let me try this on you. An old ditty done years ago by the Connecticut Yankees."

"Oh?"

"Forget the melody. Concentrate on the underbeat. Something, well, terribly real about it. Frightening almost."

With most females it is possible to put on a dazzling display of intellectual virtuosity with a minimum of research.

"Oh, Davie, the Stravinsky!"

"Do you love him, too? I find him rather, well, encompassing."

"And vital."

"You've got him there. Vital. In a moribund sort of way."

The skillful male can keep this up for hours, whether or not he is familiar with the work of art under discussion. The only danger lies in being specific. For example, the above conversation could take a bad turn:

"And vital."

"Vital? How do you mean exactly? True, the first 32 bars of the prelude have a definite lilt, but beyond that--will you help me with the countermelody?"

Such an approach will win few friends.

"Should I Choose an Art?"

Being a writer, painter or musician is bound to increase your hold over women. If you have an independent income, or wealthy women friends, by all means choose an art. Affectionate females will flock to you.

1. Be a Writer? If you have no special talent in any direction, choose a writing career. No real training or ability is necessary, and little expensive or messy equipment is required.

Anyone can write. If you have been told that yon "write a fine letter" (and who has not?) then the battle is half over. You need only an old typewriter, a well-thumbed copy of Roget's Thesaurus, and a faraway look in your eye.

Women will gather like flies. Writers, you will discover, are to women what catnip is to cats.

You must remember, however, that every hour spent cooped up with a typewriter is an hour lost forever to your women friends. Squander these golden hours if you will, but they will not return.

2. Be a Painter? Many will say. "We can't even write a letter!" If you are one of these, if you do not even know the elements of grammar (and many do not), you may either take to writing modern poetry or, more easily, be a painter.

Art has come a long way since grand-father's day. No need to bother learning perspective, drawing, anatomy or other technical details that used to make art so tedious. Be abstract! A good abstract painter with some bright colors and a ready tongue can do some mighty daring stuff and -- what is more important -- explain it.

Remember this easy rule: Paint it first and explain it later. Starting with a preconceived idea is not only dangerous but may preoccupy you and interfere with your conversation in the studio.

Dress as though you had stepped out of one of your own paintings, a riot of gay colors. Contrasting shirt and slacks can be daubed carelessly with splashes of intermediate shades.

Use watercolors. They dry quickly on the clothes and wash easily off face and hands.

3. Be a Musician? Though it is true that music can melt fair hearts, it has not yet advanced to the point at which it can be mastered by everyone. Leave it alone.

You face hours of boring practice, the buying of much expensive equipment, and the baleful looks of landlords and close neighbors.

Socially your music will be a drawback. Everywhere you go you will be expected to perform, working away at a keyboard while the writer and artist are off in cozy corners pursuing their own ends.

"Should I Seem Rich?"

So many ask us, "Are women ever attracted by money?" The answer is yes, they are. Most women need money, and if they think yon have it, they will need you.

If you have no money, seem to have it. If forced, on occasion, to show the color of it. be bold:

"Should have that much in change, darling, but every blasted son is in escrow. Can't touch it till Epiphany."

Some believe that in courting wealthy women it is best to seem poor, on the ground that it will bring out a sort of financial mother instinct. This is not true. The warmest-hearted woman is never sentimental where money is concerned.

If she is rich, make it clear that money is of no concern to you. You are above it:

"Money! I'm bored with the whole idea of money, Jo."

"I know how you feel, Davie. I'm always afraid people are after my money."

"You, too? Mother always used to say, 'Davie, never let a girl know you're a Van Belt.'"

"Are you?"

"There, it slipped. Pretend I never said it, Jo. Twice removed, really. We've always tried to live simply."

How to Drink

Do not try to enjoy liquor for its own sake. Drink is an evil unless it is used in the right way and for the right reasons.

However, when carefully studied by the wise but fun-loving male, heterosexual drinking can play a strong part in increasing affection, lowering barriers and stripping off some of the excess veneer of civilization.

Be careful not to strip off too much.

Know Your Liquors

You will soon discover that not one woman in 50 can tell, by taste alone. the difference between Haig & Haig Pinch and Old Plaid Simulated Scotchtype Whisky, though she'll ask for the former every time.

Remember this rule: A woman is happy if she thinks she is drinking the brand of her choice. Night-club owners have known this for years. If you can tell the difference yourself, mix the drinks out of sight and take advantage of the real article.

"Will you have Johnny Walker?"

"Yes, Davie, if you have the black. Not the red. There is such a difference."

"Pet, I wouldn't be caught dead with the red label."

Give her Old Plaid. After taking a long draft she'll say:

"No question, David, there is such a difference!"

"Rare to find a girl who appreciates good liquor, pet."

Avoid Drunkenness

Know your own capacity and -- even more important -- that of your women friends. The overgenerous host who allows his female companion to become supersaturated will find he has a poor companion.

If, on the other hand, you are entertaining a woman of formidable capacity, you may have to take precautionary measures. A rack of spareribs. a piece of toast buttered on both sides, a half cup of melted lard or other fatty substance taken shortly before imbibing will prevent giddiness and maintain firmness of purpose.

The wise male, for reasons of economy, soon rids himself of girls of this stripe.

"Should I Drink to Forget?"

Though drinking may help you forget yourself occasionally, it is of small value in blotting out the memory of a pretty face, unless you reach the point at which all faces are blotted out. No need to discuss here the confusion that this can cause.

The only proper way to forget one woman is to find another, a subject, that is fully covered in later chapters.

Next Month: "Why Marry?"