Lafcadio, the Lion Who Shot Back
November, 1963
Now, once upon a time there was a young lion and his name was -- well, I don't really know what his name was because he lived in the jungle with a lot of other lions and if he did have a name it certainly wasn't a name like Joe or Ernie or anything like that. No, it was more of a lion name like, oh, maybe Grograph or Ruggrrg or Grmmff or Grrrrr.
Well, anyway, he had a name like that and he lived in the jungle with the other lions and he did the usual lion things like jumping and playing in the grass and swimming in the river and eating rabbits and chasing other lions and sleeping in the sun, and he was very happy.
Well, then, one day -- I believe it was a Thursday -- after all the lions had eaten a good lunch and were sleeping in the sun, snoring lions' snores, and the sky was blue and the birds were going kaw kaw and the grass was blowing in the breeze and it was quiet and wonderful, suddenly...
There was such a loud sound, all the lions woke up fast and jumped straight up in the air. And they started to run. Lickety-split, lickety-clipt or clippety-clop, clippety-clop, or is that the way horses run? Well, they ran whatever way lions run. I don't know, maybe even pippety-pat. Anyway, they all ran away --
Well, almost all.
There was one lion that did not run, and that is the one I am going to tell you the story about. This one lion, he just sat up and blinked and winked in the sun and stretched his arms -- well, maybe he stretched his paws -- and he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and he said, "Hey, why is everybody running?"
And an old lion who was running by said, "Run, kid, run, run, run, run, run, the hunters are coming."
"Hunters? Hunters? What are hunters?" said the young lion, still blinking in the sun.
"Look," said the old lion, "you'd better stop asking so many questions and just run if you know what's good for you."
So the young lion got up and stretched and began to run with the other lions. Pippity-pat, or was it clippety-clop? I think we have gone through all of this before.
And after he had run for a while, he stopped and looked back.
"Hunters," he said to himself, "I wonder what hunters are?"
And he said the name hunters over and over to himself: "Hunters, hunters." And you know, he liked the sound of the name hunters -- you know, the way some people like the sound of the words Tuscaloosa or tapioca or carioca or gumbo, he liked the sound of the word hunters.
So he let all the other lions run ahead and he stopped and he hid in the tall grass, and soon he could see the hunters coming and they all stood on their hind feet and they all wore nice little red caps and they all carried funny sticks that made loud noises.
And the young lion liked their looks.
Yes, he just liked their looks. So when a nice hunter with green eyes and one tooth missing in the front passed by the tall grass with his funny red cap (that had some egg salad on it, by the way), the young lion stood up.
"Hi, hunter," he said.
"Good heavens," cried the hunter, "a ferocious lion, a dangerous lion, a roaring, bloodthirsty, man-eating lion."
"I am not a man-eating lion," said the young lion. "I eat rabbits and blackberries."
"No excuses," said the hunter. "I am going to shoot you."
"But I give up," said the young lion, and he put his paws up in the air.
"Don't be silly," said the hunter. "Who ever heard of a lion giving up. Lions don't give up, lions fight to the end. Lions eat up hunters! So I must shoot you now and make you into a nice rug and put you in front of my fireplace and on cold winter evenings I will sit on you and toast marshmallows."
"Well, my goodness, you don't have to shoot me," said the young lion. "I will gladly be your rug and I will lie in front of your fireplace and I won't move a muscle and you can sit on me and toast all the marshmallows you want. I love marshmallows," said the young lion.
"You what?" said the hunter.
"Well," said the young lion, "to be absolutely honest with you, I don't know if I really love marshmallows or not because I have never tasted one, but I love most things and I love the sound of the word marshmallow and if they taste like they sound -- mmmmmmmmmmmmm! -- I just know I will love them."
"That's ridiculous," said the hunter. "I have never heard of a lion giving up. I have never heard of a lion eating marshmallows. I am going to shoot you now and that is that." And he put his funny stick up to his shoulder.
"But why?" said the young lion.
"Because I am, that is why," said the hunter, and he pulled the trigger. And the stick went click.
"What was that click?" said the young lion. "Am I shot?"
Well, as you can imagine, the hunter was very embarrassed about this and his face turned as red as his cap.
"I'm afraid I forgot to load my gun," he said. "I guess the joke is on me -- ha ha -- but if you will just excuse me for a moment, I will put a bullet in and we will go on from there."
"No," said the young lion, "I don't think I will. I don't think I will let you put a bullet in. I don't think I will let you shoot me. I don't think I want to be your rug and I don't think you are a very nice hunter after all and I think I am going to eat you up."
"But why?" said the hunter.
"Because I am, that's why," said the young lion. And he did.
And after he had eaten the hunter all up, he ate the hunter's red cap, but it tasted sort of woolly. And after he had eaten up the red cap (Pooh! Doesn't it make your mouth feel funny to think about eating a red cap?), he tried to eat up the funny stick and the bullets, but he couldn't chew them, so he said, "Well, I guess I will keep these as a souvenir," and he picked them up in his teeth and he carried them back to the other lions.
Now the other lions were all sitting around telling stories about who was the fastest in running away from the hunters and who was the bravest and who was the fiercest and other lies like that that lions like to lie about, and when the young lion walked up to them carrying the funny stick, they all jumped up and said, "Yoweee!" and "Yeee Yow!" and "Wow!" and "Where Did You Get That Gun?!!"
"Gun? Gun? What is a gun?" asked the young lion.
"That is the stick they shoot us with," said the old lion. "Now take it out of here and throw it away! It gives me goose bumps just to look at it!"
So the young lion sadly walked away with the gun in his teeth.
"I wonder," said the young lion to himself, "I wonder how they shoot this thing anyway?"
So he picked up a bullet in his teeth and he pushed it into the gun with his nose and he shoved it into the barrel with his tongue.
Then he stuck his left tooth into the trigger and tried to shoot it, but he couldn't.
Then he stuck his right tooth into the trigger and tried to shoot it, but he couldn't.
And then he tried to pick it up with his paws and shoot it with his claws, which was even sillier, and he tried to shoot it with his whiskers, and all he got out of that was tired whiskers, and he stuck his tail into the trigger and he pulled as hard as he could and the gun went and all the other lions jumped up in the air again and started to run away.
"Hey," said the young lion, "stop running. It is only me and I have shot the gun."
Well, I tell you that when the other lions found out it was only the young lion making all that noise they were very angry.
"You had better forget about shooting," they said, "and stick to lioning where you belong."
But the young lion was very happy about shooting the gun, and do you know what he started to do?
Well, every afternoon while the other lions were sleeping, he would sneak away over the mountain and he would practice and practice and practice for hours and hours until finally one day he was able to lift the gun up in his paws.
And he practiced and practiced for days and days until finally he was able to shoot the gun but, of course, he wasn't able to hit anything except the sky.
And so he practiced and practiced for weeks and weeks until finally he was able to hit the big mountain.
And he practiced and practiced for months and months until soon he was able to shoot the waterfall.
And soon he was able to shoot the cliff.
And soon he was able to shoot the trees, and soon the coconuts off the trees, and then the berries off the bush, and then the flies off the berries, and then the ears off the flies, and the dust off the ears, and finally the sunlight off the dust.
And do you think he was a good shot?
Well, just the best in the world, that's all. Just the best shot in the whole world.
And what did he do for ammunition? Why, every time he ran out of bullets he just went out and ate up another hunter and took his bullets and went back and practiced some more.
And then one nice day as he was practicing, the young lion heard some shooting from the other side of the jungle, and I don't have to tell you what happened. All the lions started running again.
"Where are you running?" asked the young lion.
"Look," said the old lion. "We have gone through all this before. You had just better stop asking so many questions and move!"
So the young lion moved. But after he had been running for a while, he stopped and he said to himself, "Hey, why am I running away?"
And he sat down right there in the middle of the jungle and began to shoot back at the hunters.
Boom, Boom
And suddenly, guess what? There were no more hunters left.
And after a while all the other lions came crawling out of their hiding places and they couldn't believe their eyes and they said, "Hey, what is going on around here, anyway?" and "Hey, what's happening?" and "Golly gee," and stuff like that, and they were all surprised and happy and they all had lunch and then they lay down and slept in the sun with smiles on their faces and little bits of red wool on their whiskers.
And the young lion? Why, he was the happiest of all because he had piles and piles of new ammunition and all the other lions said that he was the greatest lion that they had ever seen, and they had seen plenty of lions.
So all the lions lived a very happy life and slept all afternoon and played in the sun and floated in the river and had a good time and never worried about anything, because every time hunters came to shoot, why that young lion shot right back at them, Boom Bum Bim Bim Bam, until there were no more hunters left. And when men came into the jungle to find out what happened to the hunters, Bim Bam Boom --
Pretty soon there weren't any more of the "finder outers" left.
And when men came to find out about the finder outers, Boom Bam Bim --
Pretty soon there weren't any more of the finder outers about the finder outers left.
And pretty soon no men came into the jungle at all.
And it was nice and quiet.
And all the lions were fat and happy.
And all of them had nice hunter rugs.
But then one rainy afternoon while the young lion was practicing some very fancy shooting--like shooting with his teeth and his toenails and his elbows with one eye closed and behind his back and sideways and even upside down -- a little, fat baldheaded man came walking through the jungle, and he had on a tall funny hat and an elegant vest and a golden watch with a golden chain and shiny shoes and he had a droopy mustache and a big fat belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of raspberry jam and he carried a gold-headed cane, and you could see that he wasn't used to walking through the jungle because he kept getting caught in the branches of the trees and he kept tripping over roots and he kept stepping into puddles and he kept saying, "Oh, me, oh, my," and "Ooee," and "Hey, it is hot," and "Darned mosquitoes," and "Achoo," and stuff like that.
Well, now, the lions didn't hear him coming until the very last minute because lions have very good ears and they can hear things from far off, if their ears are washed that is, but if their ears aren't washed, they can't hear much better than you can, and to tell you the truth, I don't think lions wash their ears very often because washrags are very hard to get in the jungle and soap costs 10 cents and most lions don't have 10 cents and even if they did they couldn't buy a bar of soap because who would sell a bar of soap to a lion?
If a lion came knocking at your door and had 10 cents in his paw and said, "May I buy a bar of soap?" would you sell him a bar of soap?
Well, so you can see why these lions didn't hear too well. But they saw him coming -- and I'll tell you one thing, lions' eyes are always very good and they can see very well in the dark and it happened to be in the middle of the afternoon anyway and lions see extraspecial well in the middle of the afternoon and you never see a lion wearing glasses, do you?
When the lions saw the little man coming, they didn't even bother to run -- they just called out to the young lion :
"Hey, dinner is here!"
And then they rolled over and went back to sleep.
And the young lion, he just yawned and picked up his gun.
"I think I will shoot this one standing on my head with one eye crossed and three paws tied behind my back," he said, and he aimed his gun.
"Wait a minute, don't shoot me," cried the man.
And the young lion said, "Why not?"
And the man said, "Because I am not a hunter. I am a circus man and I want you to come and be in my circus."
"Circus, shmircus, dominercus," said the young lion. "I do not want to be in a cage in your old circus."
"You wouldn't have to be in a cage," shouted the circus man. "You can be my trick shooter."
"Shooter, shmooter, scooter, booter," said the young lion. "I am already a great shooter. I am the greatest shooter in the jungle!" And he aimed his gun again.
"But you can make lots of money and you can be the greatest shooter in the world and you can be famous and eat wonderful foods and wear silk shirts and yellow shoes and smoke 50-cent cigars and go to wonderful parties and have everyone pat you on your back or scratch you behind the ears or whatever people do to lions; I don't know."
"Ears, shears, a glass of beers," said the young lion. "What do I want with all that stuff?"
"Everyone wants that stuff," said the circus man. "Come with me and be rich and famous and happy and be the greatest lion in all the world."
"Well," said the young lion, "if I do come, will I get a marshmallow?"
"A marshmallow?" said the circus man, waving his gold-headed cane and twirling the golden watch on a golden chain. "A marshmallow? Why, my good fellow, you will have thousands of marshmallows. You will have marshmallows for breakfast, marshmallows for lunch, and marshmallows for supper, and do you know what you will have between meals?"
"Marshmallows?" asked the young lion.
"Marshmallows!" shouted the circus man. "I will build you a marshmallow house and I will get you a marshmallow mattress for your bed for midnight snacks and I will make you a marshmallow suit with a marshmallow hat and when you take a shower you will take a shower with hot melted marshmallows. Why, you will have more marshmallows than any lion in the world. Shall I sing you the marshmallow song?
"Marshmallows MarshmallowsMarching Marshing MellowMalling Mallows Marshing FellowsMarshy-Murshy --"
"I'd rather you didn't," said the young lion.
"Well, it's really not too bad a song," said the circus man, "considering that I just made it up. Well, anyway, pick up your gun, pack up your suitcase, and let's go to the big city."
"I don't have a suitcase," said the young lion.
"Too bad you aren't an elephant," said the circus man. "Because then you could pack up your trunk -- ha ha ha ha."
"That is a pretty corny joke," said the young lion. "Even for the jungle."
"Hummpf," snorted the circus man. "OK, pack up your toothbrush and let's get out of here."
"I don't have a toothbrush," said the young lion.
"No toothbrush?" said the circus man. "How do you brush your teeth?"
"I don't brush my teeth," said the young lion.
"You don't brush your teeth?" said the circus man. "What does your dentist say about that?"
"I don't have a dentist," said the young lion.
"You don't have a dentist?" said the circus man. "Well, then, who --"
"Look," said the young lion. "If you want me to go, I will go. I will do anything rather than listen to all your terrible jokes."
So the circus man got on the lion's back and they marched out of the jungle.
"You are sure about those marshmallows?" said the young lion.
"Absolutely sure," said the circus man.
And away they went.
Well, finally, after traveling for many days and nights they came to the city -- and oh, it wasn't anything at all like the jungle. There were lots of people and tall square things and things that looked like hippopotamuses that moved very fast with people inside them. And the young lion was very confused.
"Can I have my marshmallows now?" he asked.
"All in good time," said the circus man. "Right now there are bigger things in store for Lafcadio the Great, star of Finchfinger's Circus."
"Who is Finchfinger?" asked the young lion.
"That is I," said the circus man.
"And who is Lafcadio the Great?" asked the lion.
"That is you," said the circus man.
"But my name is Grummfgff or Mmmff, or something like that," said the young lion.
"Don't be silly," said the circus man. "You can't say Grummfgff the Great, or Mmmff the Great, or Something-Like-That the Great -- from now on your name is Lafcadio and let me tell you, Lafcadio the Great, that things are really going to start popping for you!"
Well, let me tell you old Finchfinger wasn't just kidding. That very morning there was a great big parade for Lafcadio the Great all the way to the circus tent and the band was playing and the sun was shining and Lafcadio the Great was riding in a big golden convertible and the band was playing Umpa Umpa Umpa and the people were cheering "Hurrah, Hurrah!" and "Yea, hey, hurray" and "Whoopie," and, "Wow" and, "Zowielookadaline," which means "Zowie, look at the lion!" And they threw confetti at Lafcadio, who was so happy that he smiled at everybody and opened his mouth and caught some of the confetti and ate it and everybody cheered and he waved his tail all around and curled his mustache and he honked the horn on the car, honk, honk, and the band played Ompa Ompa Ompa Boom and Boom, Appa, Appa, Ompa, Ompa, and the crowd kept yelling "Yea, hey, hurray," and Lafcadio the Great was the happiest lion in all the world.
And finally, the ringmaster with the long mustache hollered:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the only sharpshooting lion in the world, Lafcadio the Great!"
And everyone went "Hooray, Hooray" and Lafcadio the Great came out -- and he was wearing a brand-new white suit that Mr. Finchfinger had bought for him and a big yellow cowboy hat and yellow boots and he had a brand-new silver gun with a pearl handle and a diamond-studded holster with lots of bullets made of pure gold, and he waved and he picked up his gun and first he shot six bottles off the table, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
And then he shot a hundred balloons off the ceiling bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang (you can put in the other 92 bangs yourself); and then he told everybody in the circus to put a marshmallow on his head and he shot the marshmallows off everybody's head in the circus including all the kids and a few of the monkeys.
And then he told everybody in the audience to hold up the ace of spades and he shot every card in the middle -- 12,322 of them (but he did it with 12,323 shots because he missed once), and the people went "Hurrah," "Hurrah," "Hurrah."
And then he shot between his legs and he shot under his arms and standing on his head, and he shot lying on his side and sitting on his hands and he shot rolling over and he never missed once after that and the people began to shout "Rah! Rah! Rah! Lafcadio the Great is the greatest shot in the world."
And he was.
And that was how Lafcadio the Great joined the circus.
And from that day on Lafcadio the Great was busy traveling with the circus from city to city, from New York to Racine to St. Paul doing trick shots for millions of kids and men and women.
And Lafcadio the Great finally tasted his first marshmallow -- and it was delicious -- and he had all the marshmallows he wanted -- raw marshmallows, and toasted marshmallows and southern-fried marshmallows and marshmallows au gratin and scrambled marshmallows and a poached marshmallow and marshmalloup (which is a marshmallow soup) and marshmallops (which are marshmallow chops) and marshmallew (which is marshmallow stew) and a marshmomelet (which is a marshmallow omelet) and marshmeverything!
And of course Lafcadio learned many things he had never learned before. He learned to sign autographs because he was so famous that everyone wanted his autograph, and everyone was especially delighted with him because he would sign six autographs at once: two with his front paws and two with his back paws and one with his tail and one with his teeth.
But after a while of course he would sign only one at a time with his right front paw because that was more like a man and less like a lion and Lafcadio was becoming more and more like a man all the time. For instance, he stood on his back paws and he learned to sit at the table with his left hand in his lap and his elbows off the table. And he had his hair cut, and his mustache trimmed, and his claws manicured.
And he stopped eating menus.
And he learned to wear dark suits and white shirts with buttondown collars and tweedy brown suits with plaid shirts and turned-up collars.
And he learned to wear collars with starch in them.
And then he learned to wear collars with no starch in them.
And he kept his tail curled up and seldom let it hang down except when he forgot himself or he had a little too much buttermilk to drink.
And often he would be seen dancing in night clubs with the most beautiful, beautiful girls.
And as time went by, Lafcadio the Great became greater and greater and his picture was in all the newspapers. And he became more and more like a man.
And he began to play golf.
And he began to play tennis.
And he went swimming and diving.
And he began to paint pictures (but to tell you the truth he couldn't draw a straight lion, ha ha).
And he did exercises to stay in shape.
And he went skating.
And he almost learned to ride a bicycle.
And he spent his vacations lying on the beach at Cannes.
And he learned to sing and play the guitar.
And he learned to bowl.
And he seldom said "Graugrrr" except on very special occasions, and everyone wanted him at parties.
And he became a social lion.
And he wrote his autobiography. And everybody bought it.
And he became a literary lion.
And he had his clothes made to order -- just so!
And he became a clothes lion.
And if you ever called him on the phone the operator would tell you, "Sorry, the lion is busy."
And I suppose he was just about as happy and rich and famous as anyone could ever hope to be.
And then one day Finchfinger, the circus man, came to visit him in his beautiful new mansion, made of silver and gold and marshmallows and he found Lafcadio the Great sitting in his living room -- and he was crying.
"Why are you crying, my friend?" Finchfinger asked. "You have money and you are famous and you have seven big cars and you are loved by everyone and you are the greatest shot in all the world. Why are you crying -- you have everything!"
"Everything isn't everything," said Lafcadio the Great, dripping big tears down on the golden rug.
"I'm tired of my money and my fancy clothes.
"I'm tired of eating Rock Cornish hen stuffed with rice.
"I'm tired of going to parties and dancing the cha-cha and drinking buttermilk.
"And I'm tired of smoking five-dollar cigars and playing tennis and I'm tired of signing autographs and I'm tired of everything! I want to do something new!" he said. "But there isn't anything new to do!"
And he started to cry again.
"Have you tried a few more marshmallows?" asked Finchfinger.
"So far today I've eaten 23,241,562 marshmallows," said the lion. "And I'm tired of them, too! I want something NEW!"
And he put his head down and began to cry some more.
"Now, now," said Finchfinger, "stop this crying; you know every cloud must have a silver lioning and I have just thought of a wonderful thing to do. And it's brand-New!"
"What is that?" Lafcadio the Great sniffed, looking up with great big tears running down his nose.
"Hunting," said the circus man. "You can go to Africa on a hunting trip!"
"Wonderful," said Lafcadio the Great. "I have never been on a hunting trip."
And Lafcadio the Great packed up his suitcases and his guns and he and lots of other hunters went to Africa to do a little hunting.
And when they got to Africa they put on their red caps and they picked up their guns and they went into the jungle and they all began shooting at some lions, when suddenly one very, very old lion looked closely at Lafcadio and said, "Hey, wait a minute, don't I know you?"
"I don't think so," said Lafcadio.
"Well, how come you are shooting at us?" asked the old, old lion.
"Because you are a lion and I am a hunter," said Lafcadio. "That's why."
"You are not a hunter," said the old lion, looking at him even closer. "You are a lion. I can see your tail sticking out from under your jacket. You are definitely a lion."
"Dear me," said Lafcadio, "dear me, so I am; I had almost completely forgotten about it."
"What is going on there, Lafcadio?" said the hunters. "Stop talking to those lions and start shooting those lions."
"Don't listen to him," said the old lion. "You are a lion just like us. Help us, and after we finish with these hunters we'll all go back into the jungle and sleep in the sun and swim in the river and play in the tall grass and chase our tails and eat some nice raw rabbits and have a wonderful time."
"Raw rabbits!" said Lafcadio. "Aarrgh ptu!"
"Don't listen to him," said the hunters. "You are a man just like us. Help us, and after we finish with these lions we'll sail back to America and go to some wonderful parties and play badminton and drink buttermilk and have a wonderful time."
"Buttermilk!" said Lafcadio. "Aarrgh ptu!"
"Well," said the man, "if you are a man, you had better help us shoot these lions, because if you are a lion we certainly are going to shoot you."
"Well," said the old, old lion, "if you are a lion you had better help us eat up those men, because if you are a man we are certainly going to eat you up. So make up your mind, Grmmff."
"Make up your mind, Lafcadio," said the man.
"Make up your mind," they all said together, and poor Lafcadio the Great, he couldn't make up his mind; he wasn't really a lion anymore and he certainly wasn't really a man.
Poor, poor Lafcadio -- what do you do when you don't want to be a hunter -- and you don't want to be a lion ?
"Look," he said, "I don't want to shoot any lions, and I certainly don't want to eat up any of you hunters. I don't want to stay here in the jungle and eat raw rabbits and I certainly don't want to go back to the city and drink buttermilk. I don't want to chase my tail, but I don't want to play badminton either. I guess I don't belong in the hunter's world and I guess I don't belong in the lion's world. I guess I just don't belong anywhere," he said.
And with that he shook his head and he put down his gun and he picked up his hat and he sniffled a couple of times and he walked away over the hill, away from the hunters and away from the lions.
And he walked and walked, and soon from far away he could hear the sound of the hunters shooting the lions and he could hear the sound of the lions eating up the hunters.
And he didn't really know where he was going, but he did know he was going somewhere, because you really have to go somewhere, don't you?
And the sun was just beginning to go down behind the hill and it was getting a little chilly in the jungle and a warm rain was beginning to fall and Lafcadio the Great walked down into the valley alone.
Like what you see? Upgrade your access to finish reading.
- Access all member-only articles from the Playboy archive
- Join member-only Playmate meetups and events
- Priority status across Playboy’s digital ecosystem
- $25 credit to spend in the Playboy Club
- Unlock BTS content from Playboy photoshoots
- 15% discount on Playboy merch and apparel