The Official Sex Manual

Introduction

The Art of Coginus goes back a long way. But until 1946, male and female partners had little knowledge of what they were doing. Most partners avoided coginus as much as possible, insisting they did it only in their sleep, while dreaming or thrashing about. They regarded coginus as the handiwork of Satan. While this (may be true, I feel that Satan has done more harm than good. He has spread his blanket of ignorance, fear and guilt over (the act of coginus and many partners blindly cover themselves with it.

This book is a direct answer to Satan and his blanket. It throws off his coverlet of ignorance and replaces it with what the French call savoir-faire Now, for the first time, you can enjoy the benefits of the most complete, definitive manual ever written on the art and science of co-ginutal techniques, the product of many, many years of experience in the field and in oral consultation. It has been written v in frank, easy-to-understand language and offers you the first really new and provocative approach to coginus since Von Leml. It tells you everything you must know to become an exciting, nay, an exquisite coginutal partner. This manual has been warmly endorsed by many organizations, societies, clubs and study groups.

Foreplay: Prelude to Coginus

Phase One: Audio-Visual-Premanipulative

Foreplay means everything you do to your partner before coginus. Foreplay is to coginus what the build-up is to the punch line of a joke. Many partners are completely unaware of foreplay and go directly to coginus itself. Of course, the laugh is (continued on page 182)Sex Manual(continued from page 107) on them. You will soon learn that "getting there" is three eighths to five sixths of the fun.

Foreplay is carried out in Seven Separate Phases of building coginutal excitement, although some overlapping is permitted. Phase One is called the Audio-Visual-Premanipulative or the Hot Line. The Hot Line is exactly what it implies, a hot line of coginutal communication between the male and female partners. It begins with an urgent mouth-to-ear phone call by the male partner, asking his mate to meet him. When the partners meet, they exchange hot looks and words of endearment, gradually building a deeply sincere line of warmth that arouses a feeling in the chest not unlike an old-fashioned mustard plaster or a rainbow heartburn. This is followed by more hot looks and a certain little cute way of flirting.

Phase Two: Fingernail Manipulative Play

Phase Two, Fingernail Manipulative Play, is an exploratory phase for the partners, a chance to discover the many erroneous zones and to make new erroneous "friends," so to speak.

The erroneous zones are those areas of the body which are exquisitely sensitive to coginutal stimulation. They are located all over the place. The female partner is exquisitely sensitive in 187 spots, the male partner in 75. We cannot describe them all in detail. For our purposes, we will list the basic zones, the ones that are most friendly and offer the warmest welcome.

The female partner's Premium Quality erroneous zones are the scalp, chin, Adam's apple, knuckles, kneecap, heel and arch. In Fingernail Manipulative Play the male partner lightly touches these highly sensitive areas with the tips of his fingernails or, if he wishes, with a pair of soft cotton gardening gloves. His fingernails or gloves should barely touch, as if he were only tickling. The motions should be: tickle-withdraw, tickle-withdraw, tickle-withdraw.

A Little Fooling Around: The Bliss

At this point many partners stray from the phases of Foreplay and do a lot of blissing. The bliss is not recommended from a health standpoint. But when you are young and caught up in coginutal passion, you don't listen about health. You feel as if you're strong as a horse. If blissing is your cup of tea and it gives you erroneous pleasure without any side effects, wonderful. But if you start losing your hair or get little things under your arms, you can be sure it wasn't from eating with dirty hands.

A Little More Fooling Around: The French Bliss

This is a much more sensible way of blissing, if you must bliss at all. First make a few slices of French toast. Just dip some white bread in a batter of eggs and milk. Fry the bread in hot butter until golden brown on both sides. Then sprinkle with sugar, cinnamon, honey, jam or marmalade, or pour maple syrup over it. When you and your partner have a lot of French toast in your mouths, lean over the table and bliss. The French toast and its topping (especially a good, thick orange marmalade) acts as a protective barrier or filter, stopping strange germs from entering your mouth. Do not attempt a French bliss without a full mouth of French toast.

Phase Three: Caressa Intima

Phase Three of foreplay, Caressa Intima, marks the introduction of the basic caress or fondle, a delightful semirhyth-mic stroking motion carried out by the male partner's elbow, the most erroneous instrument he possesses.

After the female partner has become moderately aroused with hot looks, blisses and fingernail play, the male partner should begin a crisscross counterclockwise caressing motion with the tip of his elbow across his partner's pomerantz, a tiny, heart-shaped object located near the ankle. A well-caressed pomerantz is extremely important, for it is the only source of lubricating secretions in the entire area. It provides fluid for the proper stimulation of the female partner's heel, arch and kneecap, as well as the ankle. The pomerantz is indeed "the last lubricating station before the bridge to the vesuvious."

Phase Four: Benjie Play

Phase Four, Benjie Play, is still considered indelicate by many, but it is very popular with the younger set (it should not be confused with something called "petting").

Here are the basic techniques:

1. The erroneous zone of the benjie is the brittle. In the basic hold, the male partner grips the brittle between his thumb and index finger as if it were a marble. Then he flicks the brittle in and out. as if he were "shooting the marble."

2. The male partner sits on a chair with his legs crossed, leaning over backwards as far as he can. With a long Chinese back-scratcher dipped in peanut oil, he bastes his partner's brittles every 15 minutes or so.

Phase Five: Pleasure-Pain

By now both partners will be soaring higher and higher on the clouds of co-ginutal excitement. As the male partner becomes aroused, his eyebrows swell and grow turgid. The female partner's teeth begin to chatter as her fervor increases. This is the time to introduce Phase Five, the Pleasure-Pain techniques.

The Lingle-Vontz Pleasure-Pain Techniques

1. The Love Bite: Grab your partner by the flesh and give it a good bite.

2. The Nip: The nip is Japanese in origin. It is a sneaky little bite on the back.

3. The Scratch: The common house scratch for relieving itch is often felt to have erroneous overtones. I have known some partners who have scratched each other into a frenzy. They even claim to have reached an Oregon. They only found fool's gold. If you scratch too much, you and your partner will more than likely end up with a rash.

4. The Knee in the Loin: A delicate move done by the female partner requiring a lot of practice. To be most effective, the knee in the loin should use the element of surprise. The two best surprise approaches for this technique are: "Look! There's a bird in the room!" and "Your shoelace is untied." They are self-explanatory.

The Vesuvious

Phase Six: Plethora Play

The female partner's vesuvious is a many-splendored thing. After you have found it, begin to explore for its most responsive part, the plethora (sometimes known as the cameo). The plethora is a tiny, football-shaped object located near the frunella, just above the pomander tubes. It becomes erect and hard (like the male partner's vector) when it is stimulated correctly.

Now that you have found your partner's plethora, what to do with it? Don't panic. You can amuse her when she asks you if you have found her plethora by saying, "I didn't know it was missing." But get back to foreplay immediately. You are now ready for Phase Six, the stimulation of the plethora, or Plethora Play.

The most widely practiced techniques of Plethora Play are:

1. From a Standing Start: Begin a brisk circular massage with the knuckles. Follow it up with a golf-club grip and squeeze gently.

2. From a Running Start: Begin with a rotary motion of the elbow, starting at the base of the plethora (the okris) and move to the tip (the splendina), making stops along the way for a quick hello to the cortio and the labella.

A Warning

There are many other areas of the vesuvious that have immense potential for erroneous pleasure. The giselle, for instance, which is located between the avus and the splendina, above the vestibule of the frappé, is especially receptive.

But you will note that the inner lips of the giselle will sometimes part and reveal the spatula, or Nostril of Aphrodite, a small, triangular-shaped organ that must be left alone. Don't play with your partner's spatula and don't ask us why. If you are curious and are overcome by your playful nature, you will feel sorry later. If there is a later.

Phase Seven: Vector Play

There is an old saying around the Caspian Sea that goes, "Mamoun setouri-as keboul haddadi," which means, "It takes two to have coginus." Female partners: You've got to do your part. Cogin-utal foreplay isn't just centered around your pomerantz. benjie and vesuvious. If only your partner's vector could talk, it would tell you how keenly it desires you to stimulate it. Listen closely to your partner's vector. Learn how to give it erroneous pleasure. It will help prevent tension from forming later on. Here is Phase Seven, the final step of foreplay, some good ice-breaking vector-play techniques for you to try:

1. The Eastern Grip: This is basically "shaking hands with the vector." Grasp the vector firmly and shake it.

2. The Western Grip: With your pinkie extended, place the vector in the palm of your hand, resting your thumb on the milo. With your pinkie, poke the tentacles gently, gradually increasing intensity.

3. The Continental Grip: This may feel unfamiliar at first, and requires some practice. Grip the vector at the hornis and pinch or tweak the fulcrum, bending your elbow slightly. Then throw back your head and give a wanton laugh.

The Wedding Night

For Female Partners

Breaking the Hyphen

Most of the fear and anxiety of the wedding night centers around the breaking of the hyphen. There is a good case to be made for having it broken by a licensed physician sometime before the wedding. If you cannot afford this, there are many reputable gypsy palm readers who will do it nicely. If you can't get it done before the wedding night, for heaven's sake don't worry.

Coginus: The Actus Supremus

The Classic Position

This is the simplest, most widely used position for beginners. In this position, the female partner lies on her back, stretched out on the floor, with her legs under the bed. The male partner lies on the bed, either on his right or left side, and reads selections from Greek or Roman literature.

Cossack Style

A lusty, highly dramatic position that originated in 19th Century Russia when marauding bands of Cossacks attacked the villages of the huroks, the peasant landowners. In this position, the male partner storms into the bedroom and pulls back the bed sheets. The female partner cries aloud and runs out of the room.

Face to Face

In this position, male and female partners sit across a dinner table. The table should be set with a nice white linen tablecloth and candles. Dinner should be nothing but the best: shrimp cocktail, steak, French fries, peas and carrots, mixed green salad with French or Russian dressing, strawberry shortcake and coffee. A sparkling Albanian wine or a zinfandel should be served, and after the meal, a suitable ice and a mint.

This is probably the most romantic position of all. The partners can gaze adoringly at each other's handsome, well-groomed faces, and in between courses, their hands are free to engage in erroneous stimulation.

On the Side (à Sergio)

A highly pleasurable position that can be used when one or both partners are a bit fatigued. The male partner lies on his side, the female partner lies on her side. In the middle is an upright sword.

From the Rear (à Postoli)

Coginus à Posloli offers an unusual variation on the regular positions and, at the same time, brings new erroneous zones into play. As the name suggests, it is done from the rear. Both partners kneel back to back. The female partner keeps her legs close together and leans forward. The male partner does the same. An exquisite fusing of the lubbocks is achieved.

Female Partner Astride

In this position, it is desirable for the female partner to use a saddle. It would also be nice if she had a horse. Then she could saddle the horse and mount it. This, of course, would put her in the astride position. Some male partners feel that since they must play a more passive role in this position, they will lose their sense of dominance and masculinity. They may even feel resentful and tell their partners to "get off their high horse and get back where they belong."

The Five Royal Variations of Sheikh Ben Hym

For a refreshing change of pace, many partners are now turning to Oriental and Middle Eastern cultures for new erroneous pleasures. And no other work on the art of coginus offers more subtle and exotic variations than the ancient and revered Arabian manual The Colored Fountains of Kohlrabi For example, here are the legendary "Five Royal Variations of Sheikh Ben Hym":

Position One (El Shazar): In which the female partner lies on her stomach, arching her head and legs up as the male partner rides toward her on a zebra.

Position Two (El Shazam): In which the male partner lies on his stomach, arching his head and legs up as die female partner rides toward him on a zebra.

Position Three (El Onasis): In which the female partner is invited aboard the male partner's sailing vessel, where she is entertained beyond her wildest dreams. When she awakens the next day, she does not remember what happened to her after she playfully threw the rubies into the water.

Position Four (El Nekechef): In which the partners squat on a large purple handkerchief and partake of much kalouf and bouz.

Position Five (El Avek): In which the partners venture out into a heavy sandstorm and are never heard from again.

Positions for the More Advanced Partners (Flexia Extrema)

A highly stimulating position for more experienced partners has the male partner seated on a chair, legs crossed and hands clasped in back of his neck. The female partner lies on her back, legs arched slightly and hands at her sides. In this position, the female partner plays the more active role. She can move from side to side, rock up and down and rotate her melvin in a circular motion. The male partner is free to do almost anything he wishes with his hands and feet. To achieve deeper stimulation, a violin under the female's novella may help.

Flexia Extrema, continued

Another position to try is this: The female partner lies on the bed with six pillows under her neck. She brings up her legs and grasps her knees firmly, with her toes pointing downward and most of her weight on her spine. The male partner squats on his knees, preferably on a tumbling mat, with his legs spread and his palms down on the mat. He puts his head as far back through his legs as possible, pushes his body forward and tumbles over, landing on his lubbocks in a seated position. This is known as the forward roll or "tumblesauce."

Oregon

Heaven only knows how many words have been written about this ineffable state. Oregon is the culmination of all the foreplay, all the exquisitely erroneous positions of coginus we've described. It is that last burst of indefinable ecstasy at the summit of coginutal communion.

The female partner will feel herself at the threshold of Oregon when the walls of her haven enlarge and her blondelle becomes taut. The male partner will feel numb and fuzzy for a few seconds as though his body has been shot through with Novocain. Suddenly the tip of his vector (the perma) will become limp. At this point, something wonderful happens to both partners as their Oregon starts. They take a leap into the unknown. This is the only risky part. By now the partners are carried away in a flight of ecstasy, and when they leap (they usually leap toward each other, arms outstretched), they don't always look where they're going and sometimes crash into things and get hurt.

This advice may sound a little unrealistic, especially when you're going to be in the middle of incredible ecstasy, but try to remember: Look before you leap.

Afterglow

When the excruciating ecstasy of Oregon subsides, a great feeling of peace and inner contentment comes over you. The muscles of your body relax and you can unwind and feel a deep bond of friendship with your coginutal partner. This feeling is known as afterglow.

Afterglow should be accompanied by a good smoke. What if you shun tobacco? How can you enjoy afterglow? Many partners like to light up a chocolate cigarette. Others just use a thin pencil flashlight and make believe.

For The Male Partner: Vector Control

Let's say you're young and fairly inexperienced, but your erroneous responses are very powerful. Naturally you practice the techniques we've outlined until you can do them perfectly. You start coginus and pop goes the weasel! In less than a minute you've reached a nothing-type Oregon (premature congratulations). Now you're understandably vexed. "What did I do wrong?" you ask yourself. My dear sir, you did nothing wrong. You simply forgot that to prolong coginus you must build vector control. You must maintain an erect vector (vector mature) and, at the same time, exercise perfect control so that it does not congratulate prematurely.

Basic Method

One of the oldest methods of vector control is biting on a towel. Close your eyes, contract every muscle in your body and bite as hard as you can. This method is simple and gives you excellent vector control for about three seconds.

Mind Over-Matter Technique

Dr. Desmond Spitzer-Hunt has advanced the theory that improper vector control comes from a state of mind. He contends that all the male partner has to do when he feels himself getting out of control is to shift his mind from coginus to a completely different subject. In his fascinating study of vector control, Hold your Horses, he outlines his mind-over-matter technique:

If you feel you are at the danger point and may go out of control at any moment, shut out the image of your female partner and quickly think of Konrad Adenauer. If you are still out of control, drink of Babe Ruth. That should do it. But if for some reason you have not cooled down, think of Mao Tse-tung. If that doesn't work, close your eyes, squeeze the sheets tightly and think of commercial cod fishing off . the New Jersey coast. This last step should work in 92 out of 100 cases.

Problems

Matriculation

Almost everyone has matriculated at one time or another. No harm can come of it, if it is not done to excess, But continuous matriculation will lead to blindness. You may say, "All right, I'll just do it until I need glasses." We say, all right do it. But remember, matriculation is habit-forming. It will lead to addiction and addiction means blindness, and from there, a quick trip to the crazy house.

Impertinence

Many male partners have an occasional lessening of coginutal desire, especially after a day of mountain climbing, bicycle racing or shoveling snow. This kind of coginutal fatigue should not be confused with impertinence. Impertinence is a deep-rooted problem that goes back to your childhood. If you were ill-mannered and spoiled as a child, there is a good chance you are impertinent today.

The obvious way to cure impertinence would be to call or write as many people from your childhood as possible, apologize to them for your bad manners and promise them it will never happen again. But this is impractical in most cases. The next best method to cure impertinence is to have your ears soundly boxed and get a good talking-to. A talking-to is usually finished off by a smart rap across the face and a few medium to light fist flicks on the chin in a comradely "hang in there, fella" style. Please do not enlist the aid of a friend in a "home cure" of impertinence, however. A good talking-to can be administered only by a trained, licensed physician.

Vector Inferiority

Another so-called problem among male partners is vector inferiority, the feeling that your vector is too small to do the job properly. This is nonsense. The myth of vector inferiority was dispelled many years ago by the anthropologist Margaret Chase Itzbitzka.

In her classic work, Vector Behavior in the Lesser Antilles, Professor Itzbitzka proved scientifically that there is no such tiling as vector inferiority. She chose the Lesser Antilles for her study because she heard that the male partners on these islands had a "lesser" type of vector mature, smaller in size and circumstanced at the age of publicity. She accomplished the herculean task of measuring every vector mature on the islands, discovering that the men with vector matures of only four, five and six pilasters in length were more highly regarded as coginutal partners than the nine and tenners.

Can You Have Coginus After 30?

This is a question asked by almost everyone who reaches the change-of-life age. To dispel all your fears and anxiety, the answer is no. But. and this is a big but, you can do an awful lot of fooling around if you don't tire yourself. There is no reason why you can't caress, engage in benjie, pomerantz and vector play, and even bite and scratch a little. Don't be discouraged. There are 1001 substitutes for coginus, many of them profitable and fun. My forthcoming book, tentatively titled 1001 Substitutes for Coginus, will help you considerably.

Contradictions

Conundrums

This is the most commonly used method to date. Conundrums are lightweight, easily portable and now come in many wash-and-wear models. Although the manufacturers say you do not have to iron them, we recommend a light touch-up to avoid puckering. A recent magazine article check-rated three brands. They are:

? Atlas, Model TR 190, SI.49 Per Pack.

Durability, good, although quilted lining had no special benefit. Wet strength, fair. Frequency of repair, average. Became a little softer and noisier after repeated launderings.

? Preventex, Model DS 43, SI.29 Per Pack.

Durability, nice. Wet strength, fairly good. Frequency of repair, above average. This was the only conundrum with a zip-in alpaca lining, a feature that offers some protection in the winter, but can alter an otherwise good fit.

? Economo, Model OL 67. 79¢ Per Pack.

A best buy. Durability, below average. Wet strength, so-so. Frequency of repair, not determined. Tended to crumble after repeated launderings.

Not Acceptable

Apollo, Model XK 190, $7.50 Per Pack.

Durability, poor. Wet strength, not too good. The "deluxe" silk lining shrank and faded badly after laundering. This Conundrum was considered a Shock Hazard and could not be recommended under any circumstances.

The Diagram

The question every female partner asks her doctor when she is thinking of getting a diagram is, "Do I have to draw you one?"

The answer has to be yes. You must draw your diagram in exact detail so that the finished product will be made to fit you perfectly. You do not have to draw it freehand. You can use tracing paper and a soft pencil. But make sure you get an accurate tracing of the area between the ava (sometimes called the Isle of Melnick) and the portis. This is where fermentation is most likely to take place.

The Rhythm Method

The Rhythm Method is somewhat similar to the box step, or 1-2-3-4, developed by a famous dancing master and his followers. While the master contended that the Rhythm Method could be taught, we say it comes naturally and you have to be born with it.

The Pill

We've heard rumors about this thing for a long time, but until we see it, we remain skeptical. A tiny pill that can keep spumoni away from the portis and prevent fermentation? That will be the day!

Amnesiac

Ever since the days of the Bible, male and female partners have concocted food and drink that they hoped would provide extra stimulation and arouse greater desire for coginus. The earliest written example of amnesiacs occurs in the book of Agog, chapter IX, verse 3:

And so it came to pass that Shadeg, the son of Goom, lay in his tent with Heshi, the daughter of Bim. And it came to pass that Heshi was comely and pleasing to his eyes and he gave her a goblet of plu-mence. limber and miltz and bade her partake. And it came to pass that Heshi drank of the goblet and her mouth was wet and her nostrils were open and her melvin was heavy with desire for Shadeg.

We could hardly hope to improve on Shadeg's original formula of one part plumence, one part limber and one part miltz. It's still the best all-round amnesiac in the business.