The Playboy Horoscope

If some enterprising chap were to reprise Bing Crosby's best-selling disc from the 1940s and croon into a contemporary chick's shell-like ear, "Oh, would you like to swing on a star?," her answer more than likely would be a fervent "I'll go all the way, mac--if it's in the zodiac." Astrology, that age-old quasi science, is back with a megaboom, enjoying a fantastic vogue among the fair sex. Today, dolly birds of all descriptions are definitely star-struck; they may be chic socialites riffling imperiously past such tony fashion-magazine articles as "Twiggy Paints Her Pinkies Paisley" and "Be Bold--Go Bald!" in order to get to the monthly horoscope; or they could be the pussycats among the proles who pore over canned features such as "Star Gazer" or "Your Stars Today" in the daily tabloids, picking out numerically coded messages of vast import, like "Dying ... Today ... Can ... Be ... Detrimental." Dare we males sneer at their preoccupation with occultism when so many maidens base their earthly positions on planetary ones? Does it not behoove us to uncover whatever it is that fascinates them Out There--if we want to do some uncovering Down Here? To this noble end, Playboy, keenly aware that modern birds are viewing potential paramours from an astrological point of view, has created the concept of horoscoring, a call-de-sack stratagem of astrologistics based on a knowledge of the misses' horoscopic make-up. Below, we shall delve into the attributes of each girl's individual zodiacal sign, explore the special sexual preferences that are its unique attributes, describe the motivating forces (air, fire, earth, water) and even suggest what male signs are most and least compatible. Carried to extremes, astrology can become rather involved--indeed, arcane and mysterious. For simplicity's sake, we've bypassed some of the more technical terms, such as decans (ten-day forecast messages), pecans (ten-day forecast messages from nuts) and houses of the zodiac (in these we have absolutely no interest, unless, of course, they're houses of assignation). We would highly recommend a reference source we found invaluable: Culpeper's Complete Herbal, the work of astrologer-herbalist Nicholas Culpeper (1616--1654), which discusses the rare herbals associated with various planets--things like fenugreek, maidenhair fern, mugwort, campbark, horehound, which no enlightened bachelor should be without. In essence, today's young ladies are telling us in a Shakespearean paraphrase: Our fall, dear brutes, is in our stars. Let us therefore learn the whys and wherefores of celestial navigation and follow our favorite terrestrial sign: Make Love, Not War.

A charmer of Aries--whose very symbol, the randy Ram, connotes action--has a get-right-down-to-brass-beds philosophy spelled out succinctly by astrologian Carroll Righter: She is willful and impulsive; and if things don't happen now, a potential partner may find her ship has sailed even before he reaches the dock. Properly symboled males know that the shortest way to her heart is a straight line--followed by a quick delivery. Governed by Mars, the fetchingly direct Arian is suffused from torso to tarsi with the energy element, Cardinal Fire. This key element makes her a creature of catholic tastes (although she is quite willing to be enlightened by ecumenical eroticism) and produces in her a natural inclination for prolonged physical activity. So it behooves the intelligent wooer to eschew the great outdoors--unless he wants to end up playing field hockey or chasing her over hill and dale in a private running of the Boston Marathon. Brainy athletes of Gemini and Aquarius stand the best chance of channeling the Arian verve into more hedonistic directions, but Cancers and Capricorns might as well hang up their gym shoes at the outset. For this girl, any hint of Oedipus wrecks the relationship, so a chap who needs mothering had better head for home immediately. The way to win her is with massive infusions of sweets--Milky Ways preferred, or any other celestial confections under the aegis of (who else?) Mars. Since Aries also rules most of the spices, the paramour of our ardent Arian would do well to engage a gastronomic guru like Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to whip up a snack for her; in any effort to aim her for the downy kip, it's an ingenious way to curry her favor.

Rock-ribbed fundamentalism is the technique calculated to extract the most down-to-earth fun from a torrid Taurine. Affected by Venus, the laziest and most amorous of planets, she masks lotus-eating indolence with the explosive strength of her symbol, el toro. Thus, he who would wave his cape before a Taurine should discard the brittle patter of the cocktail-party caballero and come on as though he'd been coached by Vince Lombardi: Lure her into an alfresco setting (the Packers' stadium would be ideal) and try for a touchdown by the most direct of off-tackle plays. Passes are unnecessary, and the man in motion doesn't have to worry about being penalized for offensive holding. This blunt tack should earn him not only Miss Taurus' cheers but a Most Valuable Player Award. It had better; for the Taurine admires green power as much as manpower, and if she's less than ecstatic when the clock runs out, she may suggest that your relationship lose its amateur standing. She is also hungry for experience and decidedly uninterested in clothes--and what gentleman would be cad enough not to appease her appetite and remove the cause of her ennui? Able to smell a phony at a single sniff, Taurines will put up with no bull. They tend to paw the ground in approval of Cancerian and Piscean gents who come on like El Cordobés; but Taurines should never be permitted to lock horns with Leos or Aquarians. Such an ill-fated encounter could bring on quinsy, glanders and dyspepsia--or even an Excedrin headache. To summarize, the game plan should call for power plays that keep her pinioned to mother earth. The Taurine girl will blushingly confess, "There's no place like loam."

This owner of the Twins symbol gets her mercurial excitability from the planet (Snap Quiz: Uranus? Mercury? Mongo? Check one.) and the element of Mutable Air. A dual personality, she loves to play Bug the Boyfriend with coquettish conversational games, but she can also be a dedicated believer in passionate communication, especially with Leos and Arians who hold enormous blocks of IBM; impoverished Virgos and Pisceans need not apply. Ever stimulated by travel and brilliant authors, a Gemini would be happiest on a global junket with Norman Mailer. But she might find Terry Southern just as kicky, since Miss Gemini is inclined toward a rather perverse sense of humor--and tends to laugh at exactly the wrong time. So don't be put off if what you consider your most accomplished line is greeted with a giggle or a guffaw. Go along with the gag, because, ultimately, that's the best way to top it. One of her more attractive attributes is an ingrained fear of marital entrapment. A hip horoscorer should inform her that he intends to play their scene for laughs and not for keeps. Astrologically, a glamorous Gemini has a mechanical flair and a love for gadgetry, so play Tom Swift and invite her over to inspect your electric etchings--a collection of kinky kinetic sculpture; you'll find it goes a long way toward mixing your media. Because of the duality of her being, an affair with her should take place in an old Gemini capsule or aboard a private plane circling over Minneapolis and St. Paul. Twin Leos and Arians stand the best chance of showing her a good time, for fun-loving Gemini unabashedly believes in the old commercial ditty, "Double your pleasure, double your fun."

Potential romancers of a curvaceous Cancerian should not be dismayed one whit by her symbolic accouterments. Although this ofttimes moody moon child of the Cardinal Water element is graphically envisioned as housed in the unyielding shell of a crab, the observant male will soon discover that beneath the forbidding exterior lurks a compliant lass whom no one would crab about. Brimming over with common sense, Cancerian misses make wonderful teachers, and men lucky enough to entice these instructresses into the groves of academe readily vouch for the veracity of that old epigram "Teacher is the best experience." Her willingness--nay, eagerness--to experiment stretches from bed to board; Cancerian cooking is strictly cordon bleu (quite a fringe benefit for the man who usually lives for bread alone). Taurine and Virgoan gentlemen, those most welcome at the pad of a bewitching Cancerian hostess, will soon find that the way to her heart is through their stomachs; they can expect to be offered such culinary exotica as escargots bourguignonne and huitres au gratin. Arians and Librans, on the other hand, will be lucky to come up with an American-cheese sandwich on stale bread. When the moon is at its fullest and her mind seems 238,857 miles away, Miss Cancer is actually in her most approachable phase. The horoscorer who would take full advantage of her dwindling resistance during this dreamy state should get into her orbit by crooning a few song parodies laden with suggestive lunar references--Full Moon and Empty Bed, Moon Giver, etc.--and then begin his amorous moonlighting. A trajectory such as this should assure him of a soft and happy landing.

A lass of Leo has literally got the lion's share of extroverted femininity--and it takes nothing less than an aware Tarzan to keep up with her unorthodox and energetic proclivities. Daughter of the sun, she is ablaze with enough Fixed Fire to incinerate all but the most unquenchable of lovers. A Leonine miss growls impatiently at humdrum routine and will never come near the lairs of paper tigers whose idea of a heavy date is a rousing rubber of bridge followed by a racy nightcap at the malt shop. The big-game hunter who would snare her must share her flair for the dramatic; try taking her fishing for piranha at the local aquarium, or teach her to roller skate on the dance floor at Arthur. Miss Leo also possesses both the stamina and the appetite of her worldly symbol, Simba the Lion. So overpowering is she that a match-up of Leos, male and female, would be an unthinkable--if not downright catastrophic--simba-osis. Miss Leo is forced to settle for nocturnal assignations with men of Gemini and Libra, who at least come close to approximating her grandiose requirements. The suitor contemplating a conjugal get-together with the Leo in his life will be wise to forgo secluded glen and inaccessible aerie in favor of the Hollywood Bowl, for lovely Leo is not one to hide her talents under a bushel. An aristocrat at heart, this lioness purrs loudest at urbane attention and affection, and is most apt to bestow her favors on a man of equally regal bearing; if your bloodline doesn't run blue, your best bet would be to put in an appearance wearing the emperor's clothes. One last word: If you ever try to boss her around, watch out--lovely though she be, she'll never take it lying down.

Regal and discriminating, the Virgoan woman proudly expects--and often receives--worshipful admiration from suitors in waiting. With her feet planted in the element of Mutable Earth and her head in the clouds (watching for Mercury, her beneficent planet), Virgo is represented cum spike of grain, symbolizing the promise of the new harvest. But don't expect to sow your wild oats with her, at least not without a germination period; even Cancerians and Scorpios--her star mates--will be turned out to pasture if either should attempt to reap his zodiacal reward too quickly. Only the most tempestuous Taurine could sweep a Virgoan off her feet. If you don't fit this description, be prepared to give a timeconsuming Virgoan anything she wants in return for her affections; and be warned that her wants may eventually include a ring on her finger as well as on the phone. (Geminis or Sagittarians need not come a-calling, however; they'd be star-crossed off her list.) Though Miss Virgo is ofttimes as slow in making up her mind as she is in passing out her favors, she's seldom late for an appointment; so if you should decide to tie the knot with her, have no qualms about her getting to the church on time. A scholarly type, the Virgo girl is also a semantic specialist; a Phi Bete debater might have the key to her intellectual kingdom, but he shouldn't be surprised if the evening ends in a scoreless tie. One other ploy is open to Virgo fanciers. The lady has an affinity for spotlessness; if she believes a male to be pure as the driven Ivory Snow, she just might slip and fall for him. Obviously, Yale men--whose motto is "Lux et Veritas"--have it made. So remember: Where there's soap, there's hope!

Seen usually in the zodiacal symbol carrying the scales, a Libran miss is committed to a sense of orderly balance in nature that stamps her as a philosophical moderate. She holds to the motto "Extremism in the pursuit of vice is no liberty, if you practice it in moderation." To illustrate her balanced approach to love and life, a Libran may don the miniest of miniskirts and then mitigate the effect by wearing chain-mail panties. Or she might pick you for a nude romp at a free beach, and then spend the entire day buried in the sand. As you may have guessed, Librans delight in assuming a hard-to-get guise--a playfully coy pose that can be overcome only by patience, coolheadedness and cold showers. The influence of Venus, her beneficent planet, and the element of Cardinal Air will keep Miss Libra out of the clutches of Cancerians and Capricornians, but lionhearted Leos and wily Sagittarians are definitely fair game--provided they remain reserved. In deference to her need for balance, properly accredited lovers should take stock of this knowledge and proffer their check- and bankbooks for an accounting. If they don't, a Libran is likely to conduct her own audit and chances are she'll leave them bankrupt. The emblem of the scales also signifies her burning love for justice, which translates itself in humanistic terms into concupiscence with lawyers, magistrates and court clerks--who will find her appealing even after the case is closed. Miss Libra's lone weakness is a tendency to overtipple, but don't let this fact leave you in your cups. The thoughtful horoscorer knows that the libation most likely to rock a Libran back on her Achilles' heels is, of course, a Cuba Libra.

Puzzlesome Scorpio is the crazy, mixedup kid of the zodiac. Such are the complexities of this native of the Fixed Water element that either of two planets, Mars or Pluto, run her psychic shop. The Scorpio miss can manifest herself in two vastly different guises--either as the scorpion guarding itself with a potent stinger or as the elegant eagle unafraid to leave the roost unprotected. Inordinately fond of two disparate colors, red and black, she likes to go around with men who earn their living--and her keep--at the roulette wheel, and is apt to have a pet spaniel named Checkers. From her dark side, she inherits the power of divination; a Scorpio confronted by a masked gunman leaping at her from a dark alleyway would be able to sense the danger. Since a love of the macabre pervades many females of this sign, you would do well to take her on a cheery midnight picnic in a cemetery. Spread your cloth on a toppled tombstone; spice the cole slaw with wolfsbane and give her an affectionate nip on the neck; it should warm her blood. Our enigmatic Scorpio also strives to surround herself with an aura of mystery, savoring little secrets; she's just liable to break the news, whilst flagrante delicto, that the key heard turning in her apartment door signals the arrival (Surprise! Surprise!) of her roommate and five friends for the party she neglected to tell you about. La Belle Scorpio's penchant for secrets also means she may have several other gents tucked away in various corners of her life, so don't expect her to be as constant as the North Star. Though Leos and Aquarians may find this Barbie doll a deadly stinger, Virgoan and Capricornian men will find her a thoroughly gratifying swinger.

Fueled by the libidinal element of Mutable Fire, a lady of Sagittarius often falls impulsively in love with whoever happens to be within reach. Her easy grasp of abstract concepts tempts her toward escapades with silver-tongued practitioners of law and religion. In the first category, she's irresistibly attracted to legal eagles, but only those with soaring salaries and well-feathered nest eggs. Perry Mason types need have no qualms about settling out of court with a Sagittarian-- she is seldom innocent. Students of religion, too, will find tarrying with her a heavenly experience, since she practices the doctrine of love with an evangelical" fervor and expertise that's often a total revelation. In a Sagittarian's anatomy, Jupiter holds sway over the right ear lobe, the hips and the thighs. Though sweet nothings from the lips of Virgoans and Pisceans are destined to fall on deaf lobes, Librans and Aquarians never fail to tickle her fancy with a few well-chosen words of endearment. Symbolized by the halfequine bowman, Miss Sagittarius is noted for her love of animals--four-legged as well as two-legged--so stay out of the doghouse by presenting her with a lifetime membership in the A. S. P. C. A., an LP recording of Rin Tin Tin barking Trees or a chinchilla turtleneck sweater for her Mexican hairless. In return, she may bestow her own estimable gifts on you. The centaurian Sagittarian often possesses the spirited impulses of a thoroughbred race horse--a characteristic worth remembering when one is jockeying for her affections while heading into the home stretch. A few gentle nudges will tell you if she digs the bit. After that, with a bit of luck, you'll be on the right track-- and the feeling will be pari-mutuel.

A mixed bag of somewhat stuffy coefficients--Cardinal Earth, saturnine Saturn and the symbol of the silent, stoic mountain goat--gives the comely Capricorn a decidedly conservative nature. Thus she'll give short shrift to adventuresome Arians and liberal Librans who, in all probability, are high on the most-wanted list of New Left subversives compiled by J. Edgar Hoover (himself a Capricorn). However, the door swings wide to four-square, clean-shaven and solvent (Dun & Bradstreet reports are among her favorite reading matter) Scorpios and Pisceans who are ex-eagle scouts or 4-H Clubbers and card-carrying members of the Young Americans for Freedom and the Reader's Digest Condensed Book Club. A suitor for Miss Capricorn's hand (and he may be lucky to get even that) should suit himself in a sincere long-green-colored single-breasted suit from Goldwaters department store in Phoenix, patriotic Eagle buttondown shirt and a red, white and blue rep (for Republican) tie. He should call for her in his vintage Lincoln, gift her mum and dad with a lifetime subscription to National Geographic and treat the whole gang to a down-home-style clambake and rib roast at the local Howard Johnson's. On the way there, he should catechize a passing panhandler on the earning power of the dollar and how it can be stretched through careful budgeting. Once alone, a Capricornian and her date should snuggle at a Doris Day flick and then end the evening before a roaring fire of Birch logs at his country house, reading The Wit and Wisdom of William Miller. She may then be induced to yield 51 percent of her all, because in her chart she knows he's right.

Galvanized by emanations from far-out Uranus--that planetary progenitor of all things electrical, original and offbeat--the unconventional maid of Aquarius believes wholeheartedly and whole-bodily in bestowing her universal love of life on all mankind. Happily changing partners faster than a square dancer, our energetic Aquarian leaves the impression--often too true--that she's a flighty bird who won't be caged. No fragile butterfly, however, she also enjoys sparring verbally with her latest suitor--though the disagreements are usually of the "Your place or mine?" variety. Miss Aquarius works out beautifully in the business world providing her boss is a wise old Capricornian who expects no after-five townfoolery. Leos, those notorious lioness tamers of the boudoir, may discover that an Aquarian is too hot to handle and decide to throw her to the hungry Libran wolves that are forever hanging about her door waiting for a handout. Arians and Sagittarians, both destined by the zodiac to be her soul- and bedmates, can count on finding delight in the attractions of an electrifying Aquarian; but she'll short-circuit switched-on Taurines and Scorpios attracted by her light attitude to life. Avocationally speaking, the maid of Aquarius is interested in artistic, scientific and literary types; thus, her high voltage might appeal to an Arian illustrator for Scientific American who sparks her desires with some clever groundwork and then proceeds to turn her on with ultrahigh frequency. A sexual altruist with so much to give to so many, the sparkling Miss Aquarius is inclined to be somewhat impractical; though she's jampacked with electricity, this G. E. whiz has seldom if ever been known to overcharge.

Ruled by trident-toting Father Neptune, the playful pixy of Pisces, under the Mutable Water element, definitely has a passion for propinquity; her zodiac symbol, as you may have noticed, is two small fishes frolicking in piscatorial togetherness. Though she's star-bound to deep-six the floundering efforts of Gemini and Sagittarian mermen, Taurines and Capricornians who want to land a Pisces usually have all the right angles. A night of dancing renders Miss Pisces an easier catch, so seafaring zodiophiles should be thoroughly familiar with such dated terpsichorean crazes as the swim, or they'll be sunk. Oddly enough, our warmhearted dancing devotee's anatomical weakness is cold feet--literally, not figuratively, we might add. Smart suitors, therefore, will see to it that she has her feet off the ground and under wraps--preferably a warm, woolly blanket--at the drop of a degree. Pisceans also have a touch of the poet in them; thus forewarned, one should flash his poetic license and come armed with a couple of couplets to set her aesthetic antennae atingle. Perhaps: "Please share with me, O lovely Pisces, / A plenitude of verse and vices" or "My finny friend, You are most hip; / Let's hit the beach and skinnydip." Since Neptune is the controlling force of all things hallucinogenic, a clever chap will lure her into a local psychedelicatessen and turn her on with a full-course meal: No-Cal mescal, Campbell's Cream of Sacred Mushroom Soup, rye bread with morning-glory seeds, hashish kabob, coffee with LSD sugar cubes and the pièce de résistance--pot roast. The result will be that he'll have a high-flying fish on his hands. Then they'll get on--swimmingly.