My Country, far Right or Wrong

Now that America has been so dramatically saved from the threat of democracy, we can finally tell the whole inspiring story of the Second Constitutional Convention, the most joyous gathering of true conservatives since Mussolini's inaugural ball. It's a story still unknown to most Americans, for the convention was seen only on closed-circuit TV in Greece, Spain and Bavaria.

The convention was not originally called to revise the entire Constitution of the United States, but just to add two amendments: the Liberty Amendment to abolish the income tax and the Dirksen Amendment to stop legislative reapportionment. But once the delegates met, they were swept by a spirit that made them rewrite the work of the subtlest Marxists of all, the ones who had shrewdly preceded Marx' birth, so that no one could ever connect them with him. Luckily, certain men at last had learned the truth, men like H.L. Hunt, who said, "Communism began in America when the Government took over distribution of the mail."

Such perceptive patriots knew that God had led them to Los Angeles to save His favorite country, a land sold out by Earl Warren and his colored shortstops, by Jonas Salk and his vaccine and by Thomas Jefferson and his pinkos in velvet pants, those frilly Federal fags who bought the Russian line in 1787. As the delegates entered the convention hall, they filled the air with the kind of splendid fervor that had once stirred pilots on their way to Pearl Harbor.

"If anyone calls you a Fascist, take a bow!" cried Willis Carto, head of the Liberty Lobby, whose button said Repatriate 'Em All to Africa. "After all, what is a Fascist but a patriotic nationalist, one who knows that a dictatorship of the majority is not constitutional government, one who knows that right now there are Congolese cannibals put here by the UN to set up a Commie take-over by 1973. I tell you, 30,000 African troops are already in Georgia, 30,000 black Reds who are set to start eating their way to Washington--with teeth they got from Medicare! Do we want this great country to become a cover for National Geographic?"

Other delegates exploded with rage about the document that had started all the trouble.

"This goddamn Federal country has been usin' a Constitution that's just a first draft!" cried a man with a swagger stick. "Why, it ain't even typed!"

"And it's so damn dated," said a man with cuff links of lightning bolts. "I guess it was Ok for 1787, when communism was just a village problem and Chiang had the mainland, but it sure don't apply to nothin' now."

"Damn right!" said a woman with dirty tennis shoes and a clean Confederate kerchief. "Your 1787 nigger knew his place!"

The 2000 delegates took their seats under signs that lyrically proclaimed their hopes for mankind: Fight Unicef, free rudolf hess, give the income tax back to castro, F.D.R. is alive in Argentina, give red China our seat in the un, lose the war on poverty and there was no fluoridation at valley forge. Hanging among these signs were the great smiling faces of liberty's dead heroes, who had moved up to dwell on the right hand of God: Theodore Bilbo, Rafael Trujillo, Fulton Lewis, Jr., General George Patton, Barbarosa, Joseph McCarthy, George Lincoln Rockwell, Jr., Martin Dies and François Duvalier, a newcomer whose picture bore the words the only good one. Delegates who weren't lip-reading the signs or smiling back at the pictures were leafing through such inspirational prose as Nine Bastards in Black, The Surgeon General's Report on Syphilis in the Peace Corps and Genghis Khan: A Reappraisal.

When the militiamen of John Wayne, the sergeant at arms, had cleared the aisles, one red-necked delegate hoisted an effigy of Edward R. Murrow and the faithful shot off their mouths with a righteous right-wing roar. The Second Constitutional Convention had begun. The roar subsided when the convention's chaplain, a well-known man of the cloth, walked to the microphone, bowed his head and said, "Let us pray.... Sweet Jesus, who needed no minimum wage, who knew that the wages of sin are not fixed by Washington.... Sweet Jesus, who is still the greatest American of all, guide our feeble hands and minds and help us fix up this lousy Constitution."

"Amen," said the delegates, who then recited the Pledge of Allegiance in unison:

"I pledge allegiance to the non-Hawaiian part of the United States of America and to the Republic--that's Republic--for which it stands, one loose collection of states, next to God, invincible, with voluntary health for all."

All 2000 stayed on their feet as Pat Boone came forward and said, "Fellas and gals, how about singin' one that's always been in the Top Twenty, The Star-Spangled Banner!"

Some of the delegates were dressed like Paul Revere and the Raiders in Colonial costumes made by the D. A. R., but most of the attire was modern: the women in smartly hooded minisheets and the men in buttondown brown shirts and softly buffed storm boots. A few of the girls in the Young Americans for Freedom wore chicly tailored field jackets over Neiman-Marcus fatigues.

At last, Dr. Fred Schwarz, the convention's chairman, head of the Christian Anti-Communism Crusade and the greatest American Australia ever produced, came to the microphone and called the roll:

"The delegation for voluntary racial realignment."

"Here!" cried Robert Shelton, Senator James Eastland and George Wallace.

"The delegation for involuntary racial realignment."

"Here!" cried Willis Carto and Gerald L. K. Smith, the convention's godfather, the grand old man of ethnic reappraisal, whose Christian Crusade had so fearlessly exposed Jewish Reds from Eleanor Roosevelt to Pius XII.

"The delegation for the right to suffer."

"Verily!" cried the Bobbsey Twins of free enterprise, Ayn Rand and Nathaniel Branden. Near the golden dollar sign on her suit was a big button that said I am my brother's keeper only if he's a chimpanzee; and Branden's button said breast feeding is the start of welfare coddling.

"The delegate for legislative re-reapportionment."

"Oh, yes ... yes, indeed," said Senator Dirksen (Republican--Illinois/Capitol).

"Yahoo!" cried the convention's game warden, Byron de la Beckwith.

"The delegates of the press."

"Present." said William F. Buckley, Jr., of the National Review.

"Yes," said Robert Welch of the Blue Book.

Buckley was the only one actually covering the convention; Welch was selling the Blue Book, whose new edition included all American traitors up to U Thant. In fact, Welch had a double role: He was also co-caterer with Lester Maddox. The selling of books, candy and Commie score cards made him a mobile newsstand. While Schwarz continued calling the roll (through Barry Goldwater and Congressman Utt and the Intercollegiate Society of Individualists), Welch wandered about, pushing his wares and checking security, finally asking one Semitic-looking man, "Hey, do you know any State Department homosexuals?"

"No," the man said, "but I once jilted a nymphomaniac from the Job Corps."

"God bless you," said Welch. "Have you ever taken the Fifth?"

"No; don't believe in it. Frankly, there are just a couple of those amendments that I care for."

"Good man. Baby Ruth or Milky Way?"

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the entrance, where Ronald Reagan was trying to get through the militiamen whom Wayne had told to "keep out all the left-wing bastards who wanna snoop." Reagan kept insisting he was a conservative, but Wayne replied that he had sold out to the unwed mothers' lobby, enforced three Supreme Court rulings and favored removing the Marines from Nicaragua. Finally, De la Beckwith came over and persuaded Reagan to leave by putting a few warning shots into his groin.

"And now," said Chairman Schwarz with pride, "the American who is fighting hardest for a return to the principles of Chiang Kai-shek and our forefathers, the defender of every man's God-given right to make ten thousand dollars an hour, Mister Conservative himself!"

"Hot damn!" cried H. L. Hunt as the spotlight glistened on his up the people button.

The convention's first resolution came from Willis Carto, who rose, solemnly shifted his chew to his right cheek and said, "I move the adoption of the Liberty Amendment. Let's have the stinkin' Government get the hell outa everything!"

It was a short speech, but its simple eloquence so stirred the delegates that they demonstrated for nearly an hour. D.A.R.s did minuets with Birchers; old folks reminisced about the fall of Czechoslovakia; good friends gaily matched tooth decay; and H. L. Hunt made a pass at Ayn Rand, who blushingly rabbit-punched him to the floor.

When Schwarz finally restored order, Carto explained the Liberty Amendment to those 1800 delegates who hadn't read it. It abolished the income tax and removed the Government from all business, financial and industrial enterprises. Thus, in one splendid stroke, Federal revenue would be cut in half and the Government would have to auction off Hoover Dam and stop selling tours of the Statue of Liberty.

"The income tax is straight from Karl Marx!" cried Carto. "And Karl Marx was a Commie--who, by the way, never even bothered to take out American citizenship! So stuff the income tax! Those Federal bastards don't need any money! Let the states fight in Vietnam! We got plenty o' napalm in Georgia!"

The delegates cheered for Georgia napalm and then Schwarz said, "The adoption of the Liberty Amendment has been moved."

"I second it," said Max Rafferty. "But let's add a rider to capture the spirit of the Scopes decision. The Reds have gotten entirely too much glandular stuff into our schools. Too damn many decent American kids are starting to wear long hair and grow breasts and--well, there are ladies present, so I'll just say this: Let's add to the amendment that no American school shall discuss hanky-panky in any species above the flounder. Let's leave puberty to the Commies!"

After another great cheer, a roaring salute to external fertilization, Schwarz said, "Moved and seconded. The Liberty Amendment to abolish Government solvency and dirty talk." (continued on page 146) My Country (continued from page 94)

"And what about the freedom to get sick and die without Federal meddling?" cried Nathaniel Branden. "The precious right of your children and their children to decay at their own speed!"

When the amendment was finally passed by voice vote, it included the Rafferty Anti-Puberty Rider, the Branden Free Breakdown Clause and a loss of citizenship for UNICEF trick-or-treaters.

Then Senator Dirksen proposed his amendment for legislative re-reapportionment, a charmingly bucolic plan to cancel the Supreme Court's one-man, one-vote ruling that ended rural control of state legislatures.

"'O that this too too solid flesh would melt,'" he said, "if we cannot undo the vile deed of Earl Warren! My fellow Constitution lovers, it is time that our noble state legislatures again become responsive to the land and not the people. The land and not the people is where the violets grow, the blossom that my own sweet state holds as a blue flame of freedom for those now imprisoned in Poland, Cuba, Hungary and France. My friends, people come and go, but the land remains and it must have a voice in government!"

The passage of the Dirksen Amendment was even more passionate than the passage of the Liberty Amendment. It was a wondrous ejaculation, a burst of Christian feeling so fierce as to let the faithful hope that at last there might be a chance to rewrite the words on the Statue of Liberty and keep the riffraff out.

Suddenly, the head of the National Renaissance Party was on his feet. "And what about the goddamn pinko Preamble?" he screamed, while among the Church Leaguers of America, tearful ladies cried "Lordy, yes!" and "Sing it, Führer! Give us the word!"

At once, a dozen delegates were on their feet, screaming support for revision of the Commie Preamble. Schwarz was rescued by a call from the back of the hall: "Chicken's ready! Come 'n' git it!"

"My friends," said Schwarz, rapping his gavel, "Governor Maddox is ready, so we'll adjourn for lunch and reconvene at two o'clock."

When the delegates reconvened after lunch, their bellies were full of chicken, but they couldn't wait to get their teeth back into the Constitution. Although the morning session had been dominated by the more celebrated members of America's most loyal citizenry, the afternoon session brought forth some of the jes' plain folks who are the backbone of her might. The first resolution came from Dottie de Lune, a heretofore unknown Glendale wet nurse, whose amendment was enthusiastically received because of its brilliant blending of three separate articles of American faith: to repeal the child-labor laws, to stop Federal aid to arthritic Sioux (and certain consumptive Comanches) and to turn the UN into a lighthouse. "They're fluoridating the East River right from the UN! Half of Brooklyn already has fewer cavities!" said the good wet nurse. Her resolution got a great ovation and was quickly seconded by a Lieutenant Colonel Mary Lou Hindenburg, den mother of a militiaman wolf pack, who read wires of support from Greek Premier George Papadopoulos and Helen Hayes.

The delightful De Lune Amendment inspired a shotgun blast of riders. Commodore Maxwell Grebs, the patriot who had found the Red cell at St. Patrick's, jumped up to cry, "Just turning the UN into a lighthouse ain't enough! We also gotta come out for a preventive nuclear war, with the Chinese, the Russians or anyone else who wants one! Maybe the Pope and the Red Cross are scared o' this war, but I ain't! If we gotta go Commie, then let it be over ten million charred bodies--and I'd be proud to be one, 'cause that's the kinda ashes that made this country great! I say, better barbecued than Commie food!"

Grebs' stirring stand for loyal cremation triggered such jubilation that most of the delegates didn't notice some waiters who had entered the hall. Those who did see them merely presumed that they were working for Maddox and serving desserts, for the Negro waiters carried trays full of little brown pineapples, while the whites had trays of lilies, leaves and sunflowers, which were probably for elegant finger bowls.

At last, Schwarz was able to shout above the happy din, "My friends! My friends, you'll notice that some waiters have come with some after-luncheon--"

"Waiters, hell!" cried Byron de la Beckwith, grabbing one of the Negroes. "This one's Smokey Carmichael!"

"And that's Timothy Leary!" cried John Wayne. "The bastard who wants the whole country to go to pot!"

Neither Wayne nor De la Beckwith had to give a command, for suddenly the battle was on: Not just the militiamen but every delegate in the house pitched in to drive off the nigger lovers, the peace lovers and the love lovers. The fight lasted longer than anyone expected, because the invaders were armed: The sunflowers were actually hand grenades that had been camouflaged by dropouts from the Famous Artists School.

The battle was a little Civil War that all delegates thoroughly enjoyed, for it proved that the threat to America could be handled outside the Pentagon. But when it was over, they had little desire to resume their discussion, for tearing up people was so much more fun than tearing up the Constitution. Sensing that the return to talk was anticlimactic, Chairman Schwarz said, "Fellow Freedom Fighters, there's no reason why we have to sit here and go through every pink line of the crummy old Constitution. That's a job for a committee."

And so he asked the convention's two top minds, Ayn Rand and Mary Lou Hindenburg, to make a thorough revision that would be presented for ratification the following day. Both accepted at once and Schwarz banged his gavel and said, "This convention stands adjourned until sometime tomorrow."

When Mary Lou read the revision to the delegates the next day, they felt the kind of elation that the patriots in Philadelphia must have known when they wrote the whole mess. The new Constitution was a masterpiece of pure republican rule, a daring revival of the individual rights that had been lost in 1787. Each section bears reading aloud, but here are some splendid highlights that already have moved men to attack foreign films.

Preamble

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect management and promote the general staff, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Article I

Section 1. All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a junta of three gentile general officers who shall meet from time to time at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Section 2. The junta shall be replaceable by another junta either during or not during a national emergency, which shall be defined as any time that more than five percent of all medical students are Jewish. The change of Administration shall be certified by the Army Ordnance School.

Section 8. The junta shall have the power to promote trade, end immigration, arrest poets, control the spread of nuclear and contraceptive devices, enforce haircuts, confiscate fluoride, investigate peace, replace sex education with prayer and establish as many new Tombs of Unknown Soldiers as shall be deemed necessary for total victory in Vietnam.

Section 12. The junta shall call out the militia any time that the militia has gone indoors.

Article II

Section 1. The judicial power of the United States shall be vested in one Supreme Court, which shall have jurisdiction over all cases involving transvestism and traffic.

Article VI

Section 1. All runaway slaves shall be returned to the office of the National Review.

Amendment I

Article 2. The right of the people to keep and bear arms in defense of their homes, sister and rest rooms shall not be infringed.

And so they left Los Angeles, these fighting 2000, these clear-eyed young commandos and geriatric irregulars, and went back to their farms and attics and armories, to their huts and beer halls and solariums, warmed by the knowledge that they had snatched their nation from the jaws of Bishop Pike. And as they traveled, many of them remembered the noble words of Tiny Tim, "I'll pay for my own goddamn crutches!"