Everything you always wanted to know about television

*but were afraid to ask

[Q] Q. How big is the normal television set?

[A] A. Twenty -- one inches.

[Q] Q. Are some television sets larger than others?

[A] A. Yes. There are some 5 -- inch ones, some 10-inch ones, some 14 -- inch ones, some 21 -- inch ones, and a few measuring a full 23 inches have been recorded.

[Q] Q. Does size make a difference?

[A] A. None whatsoever in actual performance. There is no more reason to be ashamed of having a small set than to be proud of having a big one.

[Q] Q. But how large should a television set be?

[A] A. Large enough to see.

[Q] Q. Is there anything a man can do to assure his partner's enjoyment of TV watching?

[A] A. Yes. He should make certain that his set is kept in good repair. And he should leave a light on in the room. Since television viewing is one of the healthiest and most basic of human drives, there's no need for embarrassment about it. Some couples, in fact, experience greater enjoyment if they are able to see each other while viewing. Before they begin, however, they should make sure that the man's antenna is positioned at the proper angle and that the set's horizontal and vertical adjustment controls are tuned for the most pleasurable reception. Then they should make themselves comfortable, lean back and enjoy it. Once viewing is under way, of course, it can be helpful to change positions periodically.

[Q] Q. Why?

[A] A. It can become not only uncomfortable but dull to watch television in the same position all the time. And each individual finds certain positions more stimulating than others. This doesn't mean that successful television viewing requires a pair of double-jointed acrobats. As a matter of fact, devotees of tantric TV watching -- a popular viewing method in the Orient -- derive intense and prolonged pleasure from sitting for hours at a time, in close eye contact with the set, without moving a single muscle.

[Q] Q. What are some of the positions you mentioned?

[A] A. Most couples prefer viewing from a seated position, usually in the living room, on either a couch or a chair. Others like to watch on the floor, sometimes supported by a strategically placed cushion, sometimes with the man behind the woman. And a few actually do it in bed. Some adventurous (continued on page 158)about television(continued from page 117) couples even like it in the dining room, right on the tabletop.

[Q] Q. While they're eating?

[A] A. Sometimes.

[Q] Q. Is that healthy?

[A] A. Yes, as long as such oral gratification is followed by normal viewing.

[Q] Q. Is there any way a man can tell if a woman is really enjoying this activity?

[A] A. Yes. By her eyes. If they are open, she is enjoying it. If they are closed, she is not.

[Q] Q. Should a woman ever initiate television viewing?

[A] A. Certainly. There's no reason why the man should always be the aggressor. She might let him know she's in the mood by mentioning some exciting new show she thinks he'd enjoy watching. If he doesn't get the hint, she could try a more direct approach, saying something like, "Let's look at TV, lover." If that doesn't work, some women simply take the bull by the horns and start fiddling with the master control, turning it on manually and then assuming their favorite position while they wait for the set to warm up.

[Q] Q. How long should viewing last for maximum satisfaction?

[A] A. That varies with the individual. Some turn on their sets, discover that they're watching a rerun and ruin the enjoyment of their partners by prematurely ejaculating the climax of the show after only two or three minutes of viewing. Others are able to enjoy continuous viewing -- no matter how familiar the plot line -- for as long as two or three hours a night.

[Q] Q. How often should viewing take place?

[A] A. Most couples watch television almost every night, but some are content to turn the set on only two or three times a week. And, surprising as it may seem, there are a few people who manage to get along perfectly well without watching TV at all. Most of these nonviewers are unfortunate enough not to own sets -- though they claim to consider themselves better off -- but a few have functioning sets that, for deep -- seated psychological reasons, they simply choose not to use.

[Q] Q. Not ever?

[A] A. Well, hardly ever. They do watch an occasional educational program, but more for pregnant messages than for any pleasure they might derive from it. In fact, they tend to feel that it can't be good for them if they actually enjoy it.

[Q] Q. Should television viewing be engaged in primarily for entertainment, then?

[A] A. Not necessarily. Without television, many people would have no other source of information and education. But without television, even more people would have no stimulating diversions to occupy their time, and there's no reason they should feel guilty about watching purely for the fun of it.

[Q] Q. What can a couple use to protect themselves if they don't want to run the risk of getting informed?

[A] A. They can refrain from viewing on nights when cultural shows are scheduled; but this has proved to be an unreliable method, since one can't be sure that some pregnant message won't find its way even into an entertainment program. Some couples who can't be bothered to keep track of the TV schedule prefer the equally perilous technique of leaping up and turning off the set when they feel an educational message coming on; but they may not reach the set in time. A more reliable method is to wear a blindfold and earplugs; but few are well enough made to guarantee more than 78 -- percent safety from educational impregnation. The only 100 -- percent -- effective safeguard yet developed is cordectomy -- severing of the cord connecting the man's set to its power source. But this procedure has the disadvantage of being irreversible and it has the effect of cutting off the viewer, in a very literal sense, not only from educational programing but from entertainment shows as well.

[Q] Q. What do you suggest, then?

[A] A. The pill, a sedative ingestible in capsule or tablet form, which renders the viewer impregnable even to a three-hour documentary on Vietnamization or environmental pollution. Certain disturbing side effects have been reported -- a feeling of limpness, stiff necks, missed appointments and the like -- but clinical studies show that it's safer to take the pill than to take nothing and run the risk of being inadvertently informed.

[Q] Q. Is there anything you can take to increase the pleasure of TV watching?

[A] A. Well, alcohol is the most widely used TV stimulant, and there's no doubt that it can lower inhibitions about trying offbeat new shows or that it can induce a lightheaded euphoria that distinctly enhances the viewing appetite. But it often has a deterrent effect on the viewer's ability to concentrate, or even focus on the screen, and sometimes even to turn on the set.

[Q] Q. How about marijuana?

[A] A. There's little doubt that whiskey-drinking Federal narcotics authorities have outlawed the use of marijuana at least in part because of its underground reputation as a viewing stimulant, which they've alleged is a popular myth. Don't you believe it. The fact is that grass is one of the most powerful TV turn -- ons a set owner could hope for in his wildest fantasies. A few puffs of pot can turn the NBC peacock into the cock of the walk, make the CBS eye wink enticingly, even enable viewers with delicate stomachs to sit through an entire episode of Big Valley not only without boredom but in a hallucinatory state approaching rapture. And many viewers report greatly increased staying powers under the influence of pot; some who can normally endure only 15 minutes or a half hour of TV can continue watching -- with undiminished vigor and enthusiasm -- for as long as three or four hours at a time.

Q. What can be done for those who can't watch TV at all -- with or without drugs?

A. A great deal. But it's important to understand that this problem affects not only those who can't get their sets to work at all. Many people who can turn on their sets without difficulty often lose their picture before the end of the first show, thus denying satisfaction to themselves and their partners. In both cases, however, it's almost always a functional disorder that can be treated successfully by a qualified TV repairman.

[Q] Q. Is this treatment painful?

[A] A. Only to the bankbook. But surely the joy of being able to experience total viewing pleasure -- and to bestow it on your mate -- is worth whatever it costs, even with handling charges.

[Q] Q. Is it abnormal to watch TV alone?

[A] A. Not at all. Statistics show that almost everyone past the age of puberty has engaged in solitary viewing at one time or another, whether they're willing to admit it or not. But it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of and, contrary to rumor, it has never been known to cause blindness -- though eyestrain is not uncommon in some cases of overindulgence. For most viewers, it's a healthy and even beneficial outlet -- especially for those separated from their partners for long periods and for those too shy or unattractive to seek out a viewing companion. In short: Better TV alone than no TV at all.

[Q] Q. How about TV viewing with a member of the same sex?

[A] A. Is that an invitation, sweetie?

[Q] Q. It's just a practice we've heard about in boys' schools, Y.M.C.A. lobbies and certain kinds of bars for specialized clientele.

[A] A. Well, there's no question that males who engage in TV with another man or women with another woman are missing out on the far more gratifying rewards of heterosexual viewing. They're more to be pitied than censured for their proclivities, since their relationships tend to be rather impersonal and of short duration; they seldom watch TV more than a few times with the same partner. But as long as they conduct their viewing in private with consenting adults, it should be regarded as a personal preference, rather than a social menace.

[Q] Q. Is the same true of married couples who like to watch TV with broad-minded friends and neighbors?

[A] A. Yes, as long as the multiple viewing experience doesn't induce guilt feelings, jealousies or competitions--over which channel to watch, how late to stay up, etc.--which could seriously jeopardize the friendships and marriages involved. But many couples claim that mixed-doubles TV has addad a spice of relationships at home. The only point on which both exponents and critics are agreed is that before deciding to make the group TV scene, the children should be put to bed.

[Q] Q. How about premarial viewing?

[A] A. It's all right as long as it doesn't hold up the ceremony.

[Q] Q. One last questions: What are your views about television watching for the elderly? Aren't they a little old for that sort of thing?

[A] A. Well, what else do they have to do with themselves at that age? After all, they're too old to cut the mustard anymore. Of course, they can always continue to enjoy themselves vicariously

[Q] Q. How?

[A] A. By reading my next book: Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Cutting Mustard.