And Now, Direct From Fairy Godmother Headquarters ...

Scene: The central control booth of National Network News. Anchor man Walter Brinkhunt is leaning forward, holding an earphone to one ear. Across the table from Brinkhunt, chisel-featured Derek Everside is leaning back, finger tips touching beneath his chin.

Brinkhunt (looking up at camera): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our National Network News Special Report on Cinderella, brought to you by Gulf Oil, which has relinquished its commercial time so that we may bring you full coverage. To bring you up to date on events, Cinderella is at the moment working around the fireplace in the home of her stepmother, hoping to go to the (continued on page 126) fairy godmother headquarters (continued from page 123) prince's ball tonight. Her two ill-tempered stepsisters are preparing for the ball, each of whom is planning to snare the prince. At the place, preparations for the ball are in full swing. The big question is which way the fairy godmother is going to go. If she comes out for Cinderella, the girl then has a chance to go to the ball and possibly even to pick up the prince. Cinderella needs the fairy godmother's support if she's going to make it to that ball tonight. Wouldn't you say so, Derek?

Everside: I think that's right, Walter. As we come down here to the final few hours before the ball, the two stepsisters have built up such a commanding lead over Cinderella that only the intervention of someone with great influence, such as the fairy godmother, could possibly tip the advantage in Cinderella's favor. At this late date, it looks pretty grim for Cinderella.

Brinkhunt: I guess that's true, Derek. But we've both been in the business long enough to know that anything can happen.

Everside: I'm sure you're right, Walter. Difficult as things look for Cinderella, I suppose the wave of a wand could turn this whole story upside down.

Brinkhunt: Well, let's check in now with our correspondents on the scene at what should prove to be the key points in the evening's action. First to Benton Fenton at hearthside with Cinderella.

Fenton: We're here by the fireplace with Cinderella, who's grubbing around under the chimney. (Leans forward with microphone) Cinderella, would you care to comment on your chances this evening?

Cinderella (dressed in rags and covered with grime): I'll get mine, Jack.

Fenton: Well, you heard it, Walter. She's keeping up a gritty spirit.

Brinkhunt: Thanks, Ben. We'll be in touch. She certainly looks like hell, Derek.

Everside: Yes, Walter. I frankly don't see how she can make it to the ball tonight.

Brinkhunt: Let's switch now to the palace. Stationed just outside the prince's bedroom is diplomatic correspondent Melvin Sludge. Come in, Melvin.

Sludge (standing in luxurious hallway): Walter, we've been touring the palace to get a feel for this ball, and it's certainly going to be the biggest event of the season. No expense is being spared. They've shampooed the rugs; they've carted in hors d'oeuvres; they've tanked in champagne and counted the glasses. The prince is reportedly determined to get himself a girl, so we should see plenty of high-stepping and eyebrow batting from the ladies tonight, Walter.

Brinkhunt: Good boy, Mel. We'll be in touch with you for all the 11th-hour details. Derek, I guess it's time we switched over to the nodal point of the drama this evening. We have Chilton Fanning stationed just outside fairy godmother headquarters. Chilton?

Fanning (standing in a crowd that's surging around him): We have a real mob scene out here tonight, Walter. Everyone knows the fairy godmother holds all the trump cards for the events this evening. Her press secretary reports that she's resting and hasn't made up her mind what action, if any, she's going to take.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Chilton. That keeps it up in the air for us, doesn't it, Derek?

Everside: Yes, Walter, but as long as the fairy godmother stays neutral, the stepsisters can certainly block Cinderella from the ball. What we have here, I think, is an example of the establishment closing ranks against a young up start. It's a manifestation of the class tensions that we find even here in America, Walter. As De Tocqueville has noted--

Brinkhunt: Excuse me, Derek, but we have a report now from Benton Fenton at hearthside.

Fenton: Walter, Cinderella has just gone out to gather a fat pumpkin, six mice, a rat and six lizards. She gave no explanation for her actions, but she's certainly working at it feverishly. She received a phone call earlier, but we don't know if the call has anything to do with it. This may all mean nothing, of course; She may just be rustling up some dinner, but we're keeping a close watch.

Brinkhunt: On this dinner point, Benton, has Cinderella ever eaten these kinds of things before?

Fenton: No, Walter. She usually eats porridge three times a day; so if this is for dinner, it marks a change in her diet.

Everside: Following up this dinner theory, Ben, is there any chance she's pregnant, which would explain the craving for unusual dishes?

Fenton: Well, Derek, of course pregnancy is always a possibility; but in Cinderella's case, it's unlikely. She's been kept working around the fireplace for the past couple of years, so she really hasn't had the opportunity. Of course, it's possible a chimney sweep slid down the shaft, but I think, the chances are slim.

Everside: I would think, Benton, that if she's pregnant by a chimney sweep, this would seriously reduce her chances of ever marrying the prince.

Fenton: Pregnant or not, Derek, if she has been humping on the hearth, she's probably through as far as any hope of marrying the prince is concerned.

Brinkhunt: Gentlemen, I hate to interrupt this speculation, but we have a report now from Chilton Fanning at fairy godmother headquarters. Chilton?

Fanning (struggling through the crowd): Yes, Walter, the fairy godmother is now leaving her headquarters. We're trying to make our way through the crowd.... Excuse me.... Ah, Fairy Godmother, this is National Network News; are you going to be taking a hand in things tonight?

Fairy Godmother: You watch my smoke, buster.

Fanning: Do you plan to back Cinderella?

Fairy Godmother: You'll find out, kiddo. Say, you're kinda cute; why don't you stop by my place later?

Fanning: That's about it from here, Walter. (Sings) "That old black magic's not me in its spell...."

Brinkhunt: Well, Derek, the action's starting to pick up. We've got a report now from Melvin Sludge at the palace.

Sludge: The guests are starting to arrive at the ball. The prince won't put in an appearance for some time, but the guests are piling up early. I guess no one wants to miss a thing. Back to you, Walter.

Brinkhunt: We're heading pell-mell toward the moment of truth, Derek. The fairy godmother's on the move. The guests are arriving at the palace. The prince is determined to get himself a girl. So it looks like we're in for some exciting moments ahead.

Everside: This is the drama of America, Walter. The surge of the lower classes against the invisible rigidities of the social structure. As Martin Buber has noted--

Brinkhunt: Excuse me, Derek, we've got to get back down now to Benton Fenton with Cinderella.

Fenton: The fairy godmother has slipped in the servants' entrance here and immediately went into conference with Cinderella. It seems certain now that the fairy godmother has thrown in with Cinderella. We don't know whether they can do anything at this late date, but they're going to try.

Everside: Any sign of the fat pumpkin, six mice, rat and six lizards, Ben?

Fenton: Cinderella and the godmother took them into the room with them, Derek. I don't know if they're going to eat them or what, but they're all in there together.

Brinkhunt: We go now to Melvin Sludge at the palace.

sludge (in front of whirling, dancing figures): The prince has just appeared a good hour and a half ahead of schedule. He's now spinning into a dance with one of Cinderella's stepsisters, and things are well under way here at the palace, Walter, in probably the earliest ball in history.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Melvin. Well, (continued on page 204) fairy godmother headquarters (continued from page 126)it's a dramatic turn of events here, Derek. Things are happening much faster than anyone expected at the palace. This could throw the fairy godmother's plans out of whack. She apparently had an idea of putting Cinderella into the ball just in time to catch the prince's eye as he arrived, but this has all gone by the boards now. It may be a case of having the horses but being too late to the starting gate, eh, Derek?

Everside: That could well be, Walter. Timing and chance can be everything. As Camus said--

Brinkhunt: Excuse me, Derek, we're going back down to Benton Fenton at hearthside.

Fenton: Cinderella is leaving for the ball and she looks fantastic! She's traveling in a beautiful gilded coach drawn by six fine horses, a handsome driver in the box and six tall footmen. Walter, I don't care what's happening at that palace, it's a brand-new ball game from here on in.

Everside: Ben, is there any sign of the fat pumpkin, six mice, rat and six lizards?

Fenton: None at all, Derek. They must have eaten them.

Everside: That's a heck of a diet for a girl going to a party, Ben.

Fenton: Don't knock it if you haven't tried it, Derek.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Ben, we'll stay in touch. We've got a report now from Chilton Fanning at the fairy godmother's headquarters.

Fanning: Walter, everyone here feels that with the fairy godmother's support, Cinderella is sure to snap up the prince, even though she's getting a late start.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Chilton. Well, Derek, I suppose that may be true.

Everside: I guess so, Walter. I still can't get over that diet, though.

Brinkhunt: Let's go back to the palace now. Melvin?

Sludge: Walter, this place is agog. Cinderella stopped the ball cold when she walked in. The prince took one look at her and dropped the stepsister in the middle of her mazurka. He's been with Cinderella ever since, and if he isn't in love, I'm a Doberman pinscher. I'm going to move up and see if I can get a word with the happy couple.... Excuse me, Cinderella, is there any romance in the offing between you and the prince?

Cinderella (simpering): Oooh, we're just good friends.

Sludge: Well, you heard it, Walter. They're not talking, but it's obvious they only have eyes for each other.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Melvin. (Sits back, smiling) Well, there's the story, Derek. Touch and go for a little while, but it's all tied up now.

Everside: This sort of thing could happen only in America, Walter. Young girl making good despite all odds and a rotten dinner. As Betty Crocker pointed out--

Brinkhunt: Hang on a second, Derek. Melvin's back on the line. Yes, Mel, go ahead.

Sludge (outside on the palace grounds, looking suddenly tense): Walter, we've got a strange development here. A report's just come in that Cinderella's gilded coach is shortly going to change into a large melon, possibly a cantaloupe.

Brinkhunt: What! That's amazing!

Sludge: And not only that, Walter, but the driver, the footmen, the horses and everything are supposed to turn into a mass of vermin.

Brinkhunt: My God! When's this supposed to happen?

Sludge: Our report is 12:15 A.M.

Brinkhunt: That's not long off. Mel, will you check this out and report back as soon as you can?

Sludge: Right, Walter.

Brinkhunt (wiping his brow): This is fantastic, Derek. It's grotesque. To have something like this happen to a young girl.

Everside: It's the slender thread by which we all hang. The underside of life is horror.

Sludge: Walter!

Brinkhunt: Yes, Mel, go ahead.

Sludge: The reports are coming fast. Something is, indeed, going to happen to that coach around 12:15. It may not change into a cantaloupe, but it's going to change into something. There's a strong report it's going to change into a member of the citrus family, possibly a tangerine. There's also a report it may turn into a grilled-cheese sandwich, but this is so far unsubstantiated.

Brinkhunt: This is incredible--

Sludge: HOLD IT, WALTER! There's a big fuss now around the coach. Nothing's supposed to happen for another 15 or 20 minutes, but there's a big crowd around the coach. I'm trying to make my way through.... Excuse me ... Oops! There's some rats running by.... MY GOD, WALTER, THERE'S A BIG SQUASH OR SOMETHING! I'm not a farm boy, Walter, but there's some kind of large vegetable here in the parking lot.

Everside: What's that gonging in the background, Mel?

Sludge: It's just the bells, Derek, I guess it's midnight. Wait a minute. There's a card sticking out of the side of the vegetable. If I can just get my hands on it.... Yes, as I thought, IT'S THE PARKING CHECK FOR CINDERELLA'S COACH! HER COACH HAS BECOME THIS LARGE VEGETABLE!

Brinkhunt: Well, Derek, this is an astounding turn of events. Everything going so well for Cinderella when suddenly her coach changes into a squash for no apparent reason.

Everside: Yes, although it's more spectacular than serious. Cinderella is still happily dancing with the prince.

Sludge: Walter!

Brinkhunt: Yes, Mel, go ahead.

Sludge: I've just discovered that Cinderella is not that beautiful girl inside the palace! I've just found her lying out here on the sidewalk dressed in rags. Obviously, the girl in there is an impostor.

Brinkhunt: But how can that be? We saw her leave for the ball all dressed up!

Sludge: It must have been somebody else.

Brinkhunt: I see....

Sludge: Now there's a whole crowd of people from the party charging toward us. They're trampling by us--I'm pulling Cinderella out of the way. Excuse me, sir, what's happening here?

Gentleman: The prince's lady has disappeared. We're chasing after her. Kindly get yourself and that urchin out of the way.

Sludge: Well, you heard that, Walter. Apparently, whoever it was that was dancing with the prince has disappeared, on top of everything else that's happened tonight. This is a fantastic situation here!

Brinkhunt: We'll be back with you shortly, Mel, if you've got any follow-up on this. Well, Derek, what do you make of all this? First the mysterious metamorphosis of the coach into a large vegetable; then Cinderella is discovered crawling around outside the palace, obviously pining away because she couldn't go to the ball; and finally, the abduction of the prince's beautiful mystery lady. Who do you suppose she could be, Derek?

Everside: I have no idea, Walter, and it seems to me that a recurring theme throughout the events here tonight has been this whole question of identity. First we have a coach suddenly becoming a heap of garbage. Then we have a girl who first appears to be Cinderella, then we don't know who she is, and now she's gone altogether. Being and nothingness. Sartre's whole existential question for modern man of "Who am I? Where am I going? And what am I riding in to get there?"

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Derek. We have another report now from Melvin.

Sludge (standing at the palace gates): Walter, there's chaos here at the palace. First of all, no one seems to know who the beautiful girl is, and now she's disappeared. This is even more tragic because she's captured the prince's heart tonight. He wants to marry her, there's no doubt. This girl can have anything she wants, but she's gone. There is, however, one possible clue. We've just gotten a report on this; apparently, the girl left behind some article of clothing that may provide a lead to her identity. We don't know what this piece of clothing is--possibly a brassiere or a pair of pantyhose; you know how these parties get--but it may be possible to identify her by seeing what girl in town fits into this piece of apparel. I've already volunteered to help in the search.

Brinkhunt: Good boy, Melvin.

Sludge: In any event, the palace guards aren't talking and I don't think we're going to have any more information tonight.

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Mel. Well, Derek, it's certainly been an evening of jumbled events. We thought we had the whole story wrapped up some time ago, and now the mysteries are compounded more than ever. We've got an abduction, we've got a big vegetable in the parking lot, we've got a scrap of underwear and a lot of unanswered questions.

Everside: Yes, Walter, and I think it's well to remember Cinderella throughout all this. She has completely lost out. She's discovered crawling around outside the palace, weeping, because she can't go to the ball. Certainly, a fine ball like this stands in stark contrast to the sordid life she lives in the fireplace with her diet of vermin and occasional chimneysweep boyfriends.

Brinkhunt: Yes, Derek. It's a harsh situation for her there.

Everside: And then, Walter, if we're going to count up the winners and losers tonight, certainly the fairy godmother has lost a great deal of prestige. She's backed, after all, a complete washout. Her influence in future balls has got to be diminished.

Brinkhunt: I think that's right, Derek. Well, we're getting on into the wee hours of the morning. There probably will be no more new developments tonight. So, unless you have any more analysis--

Everside: No, Walter.

Brinkhunt: We'll be back as events dictate; but for now, we'll say good night for National Network News.

• • •

Five days later:

Fenton: And now the happy couple is coming down the steps, Walter. The crowd's starting to throw rice. Cinderella is radiant. We're going to try to make our way through and get a word with the happy couple before they get into the carriage. Excuse me. National Network News. Cinderella, after days of confusion and mistaken identity, it's all finally been straightened out and you're now in this beautiful white gown, having just married the handsome and wealthy prince. How does it feel?

Cinderella (simpering): Oooh, we're just good friends.

Fenton: Well, you heard it, Walter. She's still the sweet shy thing she always was. They're getting into the carriage now, along with the king, the fairy godmother--escorted by our own Chilton Fanning--and the other members of the wedding party. It's pretty crowded in that carriage, I want to tell you. Now on to the palace for the reception. Back to you in the booth, Walter.

Brinkhunt: Well, Derek, all's well that ends well, as the Bard said. Cinderella's now launched on a life of happiness and luxury with the prince. It's a real rags-to-riches story here.

Everside: I think so, Walter. A real Cinderella story. This girl came out of nowhere to become a princess almost literally overnight. It's something that can happen only in America, Walter. We have an open society, a dynamism here, that makes something like this possible.

Brinkhunt: She's left the rat soufflés and tawdry little chimney-sweep liaisons behind her.

Everside: Yes, Walter, she'll be every inch a princess from now on.

Brinkhunt: The crowd's breaking up outside the church now. The wedding party will soon be arriving at the palace for the reception. Then, in a few hours, the happy couple will jet to their honeymoon rendezvous in Majorca, as we have it, although this information may not be correct. But wherever they turn up, we will, of course, be there to bring you full coverage. So that about does it for now, Derek, unless you have any other analysis.

Everside: No, Walter, except to say that if nothing else, this whole business proves the old adage "If the shoe fits, wear it."

Brinkhunt: Thank you, Derek, and good night for National Network News.