Who Stuck the F*L*A*G in Reverend Titcomb?

Tedium Cove Wharf was quiet. Sea gulls cried in the background. A lobster boat idled, unloading the morning catch.

July fifth was a sunny morning with little wind. A lobsterman leaned against the wharf railing, smoking, looking across the harbor. He appeared to be lost in deep thought. Actually, he was just lost.

A large young man in his late 20s or early 30s, wearing Bermuda shorts, walked with the bouncy stride of either a bird watcher or an associate professor of sociology. He (continued on page 242)Who Stuck The F*L*A*G(continued from page 199) approached the lobsterman and said:

"Good morning, sir. Isn't this a fine morning?"

"Ayuh. Finestkind."

"Are you a lobsterman?"

"Ayuh."

"How's the fishing these days?"

"Wouldn't dast say."

"But aren't you a fisherman?"

"Give it up. Just go lobsterin'."

"I see. My name is Jim Russell. I'm in the sociology department at the University of Maine. I'm making a study of people in the lobster and fishing industry."

"You be?"

"Ayuh--I mean, yes, sir, I am."

"You know Zeke Simmons' boy?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't. Does he go to the university?"

"Claims to."

"What's he studying?"

"He ain't."

"I don't understand."

"I don't neither. He ain't learnt nawthin' 'cept how to jerk bulls."

"I'm afraid I still don't understand."

"Gawd, boy, I don't neither. He be interferin' with nature."

"Oh, now I get it. He must be in the agricultural course, learning about artificial insemination."

"Ayuh. By Gawd, Zeke says they don't none of them Spanish bullfighters hold a candle to his boy. 'Taint nawthin' to wave a blanket at some bull and stab him with one of them swords compared to--"

"Really, sir, I don't believe this is done in quite the way you imagine."

"It ain't? Gawd, boy, I dunno. Zeke says some bull knocked his boy toes up. He failed the test."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by toes up."

"Jeezly bull knocked him ahss over teakettle. They hauled him off toes up. By Gawd, I guess that bull musta thought Zeke's boy was some queah. Wisht I coulda seen it."

"I'm sure it would have been very interesting. By the way, sir, may I ask your name?"

"Ben Simmons."

"Well, it's a pleasure to know you, Mr. Simmons."

"I shouldn't wondah."

"I would be pleased if you'd be willing to tell me a little about yourself, your life here in Tedium Cove, your family, and so forth."

"You figure to settle heah, boy?"

"No, sir, I'd just like to ask some questions. Do you mind?"

"Dunno till I heah the questions."

"Could we sit down somewhere and be comfortable?"

"You got any beah?"

"No, but I'll get some, if you'll tell me where I can buy it."

"You can git some off'n George."

"Where can I find George?"

"To the stowah, right over theah. Better git a six-pack."

"Yes, sir. I'll be right back."

Ten minutes later, James Russell, associate professor of sociology, returned to find Ben Simmons just where he had left him.

"Well, now, Mr. Simmons, here's a nice cool one. Open it up and let's get down to business. Do you mind if I take a few notes?"

"Gawd, ain't that some good! You got another one handy?"

"Oh, certainly, Mr. Simmons. My, but you drank that quickly."

"Gawd, boy, I don't drink the fust one. I just kinda pour her into me."

"How old are you, Mr. Simmons?"

"I wouldn't dast say."

"You mean you don't even know your age? How can this be?"

"I dunno."

"Well, don't you know your birthday?"

" 'Course I do. April twenty-fust."

"Well, in what year were you born?"

"Dunno. Never give it no thought. It was backalong."

"Well, don't you have any idea? I'd say you might be about forty-five years old."

"I shouldn't wondah."

"Tell me about your family, Mr. Simmons. Do you have children?"

"Ayuh."

"How many?"

"Wouldn't dast say."

"Mr. Simmons, I've interviewed a lot of people. I don't believe I've ever found anyone quite as secretive as you. You seem to evade a direct answer even to the simplest questions. I'll bet you wouldn't even give me the right time."

"How in hell you know? You ain't asked."

"OK, I'll ask. What time is it?"

"Dunno."

"Why not, Mr. Simmons? I see a watch on your wrist."

" 'Taint set right. She gains and I ain't set her for goin' on a week."

"Let's get back to your children. How can you say you don't know how many you have?"

"Gawd, boy, you can't believe nawthin' around heah. How in hell would I know how many I got? I got ten to home, then there's three away and there's some I got credit for, but a feller can't tell 'bout them things."

"What do you mean by 'away,' Mr. Simmons? Do you have three children who've moved away from Tedium Cove?"

"Gawd, no. They live in the Cove, right to home. One of them belongs to a widder woman who was sufferin' some awful and Jess Simmons' two kids is mine. Jess ain't no good, so I helped him out."

"How's Jess feel about this?"

"Dunno. I ain't never asked him."

"Does he know that you are the father of his children?"

"Gawd, ain't you some curious?"

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Simmons. Can you tell me about your wife?"

"Ayuh. Which one?"

"You mean you have more than one?"

"Gawd, boy, you take me for a jeezly Mormon? 'Cus I ain't. My fust one left me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind talking about it?"

"Damn-fool woman fell overboard off'n Wreck Island whilst we was ahaulin' traps. 'Twas one of them foggy days. I never see hide nor hair of her agin."

"Well, didn't anybody recover the body?"

"Coast Guard found her in sixteen foot of water off'n Dutch Neck. They was ten lobsters muckled onto her. They called and asked my instructions. 'Git them lobsters off'n her and set her agin,' I says."

Ben liked to embellish this story and see how the summer complaints reacted, but Mr. Russell, overcome by the enormity of it or something, simply said, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Simmons. When did you remarry?"

"Oh, not for a while. I musta held off three or four month."

"I see. How many children did you have by your first wife?"

"I should imagine five or six."

"Really, Mr. Simmons. Oh, well, never mind. So You've had, then, four or five by your second wife?"

"Gawd, no. She only had two after we was married, but she claims the ones she come with was mine."

"Mr. Simmons, I get the idea that marriage is a rather flexible arrangement in this community."

"Gawd, boy, a feller got to have a little on the side. How 'bout another one of them beah?"

"Oh, of course. Tell me, Mr. Simmons, how many lobster traps do you have?"

"I wouldn't dast say."

'Oh, for Chrissake. I mean, can you give me some idea?"

"I got either one hundred and ninety or one hundred ninety-one, that I can find."

A newcomer wandered onto the wharf.

"Hi, John. How be yuh?"

"Finestkind. Hey, Ben, I heah you been gittin' somethin' more'n food off'n that new cook over to the inn."

"Feller can heah most anythin' if'n he listens."

"I heah she's a little smooth on the tooth but right stemmy."

"I wouldn't dast say, John."

"Do any good this mornin', Ben?"

"Got enough to pay my gas. Didn't need no moah. Feller from the college to Orono bought me a six-pack. That'll git me through the mornin'. John, this heah's Mr. Russell."

"How do you do, John. I assume your last name is Simmons."

"Gawd, you college fellers is some smart. How'd you ever know that?"

"It was an educated guess."

"Well. I be goddamned. You stayin' to the inn, Mr. Russell?"

"Ayuh--I mean, yes, I am. A very nice place. The rooms are pleasant and the food is delicious."

"Ayuh. They got a finestkind cook, or so I heah. You seen her?"

"Yes. I have. I've had several pleasant conversations with her."

"Gawd, boy, if'n you git a chance, I wisht you'd put in a good word for me. You can tell her Ben Simmons don't hold no candle to the likes of John Simmons."

"John, 'taint candles she likes," offered Ben.

"Well, gentlemen, I really don't think our cook would care to have me intercede, one way or another, in her off-duty time. I'm sure that between the two of you, she'll be well taken care of."

"Ayuh!" (Ben)

"Ayuh." (John)

"So long. Ben. So long, Mr. Russell. I gotta take my woman to the hospital. She's due to calve most any time now."

"Well, Mr. Simmons, perhaps we could get on with our discussion."

"If'n you've a mind to. I better have another one of them beah afore she cools off."

"Of course, Mr. Simmons. Can you tell me something about the religious life of your community?"

"Professor, you come direct to the right feller."

"You mean you can tell me about the Tedium Cove Church? Frankly, I'm surprised."

"Well, now, don't misunderstand me, boy. I'm a lot better acquainted to the parsonage than I be to the church. They only got church one day a week, but the Reverend's got a young missus who spreads the Gospel seven day a week whilst the Reverend, he goes to visit sick folks and others. By Gawd, religion has come on strong since them two come." "I'm afraid I don't understand."

"The Reverend Titcomb and his missus is both of them hornier than a three-ball tomcat. Religion done took right aholt in Tedium Cove."

"What denomination are they?"

"They's Rollers. By Gawd, they beat hell out of them Baptists we had afore. Swimmin' ain't never goin' to catch on around heah."

"I see, I think. You mean the minister's wife actually--"

"Oh, Gawd, boy, finestkind."

"That's very interesting."

"It's some good, too."

A small cabin cruiser pushed by a big Mercury outboard approached the wharf. Hawkeye Pierce jumped from the bow, rope in hand, tied up and hoped to negotiate with the natives for gasoline.

"Be that you, Hawkeye?" yelled Ben.

"Ben! How be yuh?" asked Hawkeye. "You getting much?"

"You might call it a lot," Ben answered modestly.

"I'm sure I would."

"Hey, Hawkeye, I wantcha to meet Mr. Russell. He's from the college to Orono."

"Sociology department--I'm taking a few notes around here," the professor said.

"I'm Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, Mr. Russell," explained Hawkeye. "I had the pleasure of removing Ben's appendix a while back. Unfortunately, the ethics of my profession forced me to stop there."

"I think I know what you mean," said Mr. Russell.

"Ayuh," said Ben. "By Jesus, I think I may go up to the parsonage."

"I hear there's action there," said Hawkeye. "Is it true the Reverend is a marriage counselor, in addition to his other activities?"

"You might say," agreed Ben, "but I ain't heard of him counselin' no couples. Mostly he just counsels the female and you gotta figure he ain't too bad. Lotta young folks been stayin' together, just so long as the Reverend can keep on makin' mornin' calls. Hung, he is."

"I'm sure," agreed Hawkeye. "The faith is kept in many ways."

Ben Simmons, with nearly a six-pack in him, aimed for the parsonage, leaving Mr. Russell and Hawkeye Pierce in the bright sunshine on Tedium Cove Wharf.

"I just don't know what to make of that man," exclaimed Mr. Russell.

"That's just because you weren't born and brought up around here," said Hawkeye. "He may not be the exact average, but he's not unusual, either."

"He's an animal," exclaimed Mr. Russell.

"Perhaps more overtly than you and I, Mr. Russell, but quantitatively not much more. If I knew where I could get a good piece of tail half an hour from now, with no trouble from it, I'd get it. Probably you would, too."

"But a minister's wife!" persisted Mr. Russell.

"Think a little, Mr. Russell. A minister in Tedium Cove, whatever his denominational handle, has to be very dumb or very something else, with rare exceptions. I happen to know that the Reverend and Mrs. Titcomb are treated for venereal disease about once a month. I'd say that they are dumb and something else, too. I'll leave the final evaluation to you, since you're a sociologist."

"I must admit I'm out of my element," said Mr. Russell. "I can't really believe this sort of thing goes on. Well, I mean, I know it goes on, but is Ben Simmons going to just walk up to the parsonage and go to bed with the minister's wife?"

"Depends on the length of the line," said Hawkeye.

"Hi, Hawkeye," said John Simmons as he appeared again. "By Jesus, Hawk, I was gonna take my woman to the hospital soon as I got through haulin', but she come on quick and the state police took her in. I got me a new daughter."

"Congratulations, John. How do you plan to celebrate?"

"I been broken off, except to the parsonage, for three month. Maybe I'll up and go git me a hunk of religion."

"Good luck, John," offered Hawkeye.

"Good Lord!" exclaimed Mr. Russell. "Ben Simmons and John Simmons are both heading for the parsonage."

"Could be sociologically significant. Why don't we see what happens?" Hawkeye suggested.

"Oh, my," said Mr. Russell.

As they approached the parsonage, they heard three voices, all loud, all outraged. "What on earth is happening?" gasped Mr. Russell, breaking into a gallop.

"Hold her up. Professor. Sounds like Mrs. Titcomb is defending her virtue."

They approached warily, mounted the front steps and peeked through a window into the spacious living room of the old parsonage, where Ben and John Simmons were thrashing about, threatening each other with death and mutilation. Mrs. Titcomb, armed with a baseball bat, circled cautiously and bided her time. Swish went the bat, as she had a clean shot at John's head, and the lights went out for the proud parent.

"By Gawd, Jenny, you got him good, you did," applauded Ben. "Let's git busy afore he comes to."

There was a dull thud as Jenny Titcomb, apparently disenchanted with Ben, brought the baseball bat down on his right temporal area. Ben sank to the floor and joined John in dreamland.

"Oh, my God, my God," wailed Mr. Russell.

"This is real basic sociology, Professors" said Hawkeye. "I hope you're taking notes. That broad has a sweet swing. Reminds me of Musial, the way she holds it up high, waiting for a shot."

"What'll we do?"

"I suppose we have to take these base hits to the hospital."

Opening the screen door leading to the batting cage, Hawkeye walked in, followed by a trembling professor of sociology, and said: "Congratulations, Mrs. Titcomb. You are two for two. I'm Dr. Pierce. Professor Russell and I happened to be passing and heard the commotion. I guess maybe I'd better take over. These gentlemen could be seriously injured, although it's unlikely, since you hit them both in the head."

"Oh, the Lord help me," Jenny implored.

"I don't know about Him, but I will, Jenny. Under the circumstances, it'll be easy for me and the professor to testify that Ben and John knocked each other out, if anyone cares enough to ask, which isn't likely.

"What do you have for wheels, Professor?" asked Hawkeye, as he examined the unconscious victims and decided that, although in need of care, they'd probably recover.

"A station wagon," said the professor.

"Get it, and we'll take these fallen athletes to the hospital."

As Mr. Russell drove Hawkeye and the fallen athletes to Spruce Harbor General, Hawkeye was bemoaning his fate. "Wouldn't you know it?" he complained. "I take a day off, just put in for some gas and the first thing you know, I'm working again."

"You seem more concerned about your day off than about the lives of two men," said Mr. Russell.

"That's where you peripheral thinkers always blow it, Professor. Once in the hospital, they'll get well with just token care, or they'll require a neurosurgeon, which I am not. Nobody can do anything out here. I'm just the guy who decides that whatever happens, you and I will keep the law off the broad, because putting the law to the broad would serve no purpose in this case."

"Do you mean to say that, if these men died, you'd protect that woman?"

"Sure. Even if it got to court, no jury would convict her. So why let it get to court? Think of the taxpayers' money that would be saved."

"I believe your attitude is basically antisocial, Dr. Pierce. Society has certain rules, and if these rules are broken, we have no society."

"Think peripherally all you want," said Hawkeye. "Around here, I'm known and you aren't, so nobody'll pay any attention, even if you blow the whistle. What you ought to do is pursue this case, at the purely academic level. I'll bet you both these guys get a roll in the hay from this broad within a week after they're out of the hospital."

As Hawkeye and Mr. Russell arrived at the hospital and helped load Ben and John onto stretchers, Goofus MacDuff approached and said, "Hey, Hawk-eye, they've been looking for you. The Coast Guard sent a plane out."

"Goofus, you don't mean it? My popularity knows no bounds. Are you going to tell me why the Coast Guard sent a plane out or are you just going to hint around?"

"Gee, they got a man with a flag in his chest. Everybody thought you should see him."

"I'll sure as hell go along with that, Goofus. Even a thoracic surgeon with my background and experience hardly ever gets to see a man with a flag in his chest. I'm some damn glad you thought of me."

"He's in the emergency room," said Goofus. "Trapper John is there."

Trapper John, called on the hospital-to-Thief-Island radio, had arrived ten minutes earlier and found that the patient, Reverend Titcomb of Tedium Cove, did, indeed, have a flag in his chest, the kind of flag sold everywhere during patriotic holidays. A small flag with a fairly firm, two-foot wooden staff, about two inches of which had penetrated the area between Reverend Titcomb's left fourth and fifth ribs, a little to the left of the breastbone. Trapper, after one look at the patient, whose pulse and blood pressure were quite normal, realized that the flagstaff had penetrated the intercostal space, had not damaged the heart, and that the wound, however impressive to onlookers, was inconsequential. Treatment would consist of removing the flag, applying a small dressing, injecting tetanus toxoid and perhaps an antibiotic. A day or two of hospitalization would be necessary to calm the patient's nerves.

Trapper was in swimming trunks and was accompanied by Lucinda Lively in her usual bikini. Because he had been interrupted on a day of leisure, he may have had a touch or two of Old Bejoyful. Either way, Hawkeye knew that Trapper was putting on a show.

"What's the word, Trapper?" asked Hawkeye.

"Not my line of work. Apparently, the guy's a vampire and somebody tried to drive a stake through his heart. He missed the heart. I got no use for vampires, and if the heart is not involved, it's out of my field."

"The only tiling in your field is cranberries," said Hawkeye. "Are you sure he's a vampire?"

"All I know is the stake isn't in his heart. Why don't you order a vampire test?"

Turning to MacDuff, who lurked in the background, Hawkeye ordered, "Goofus, you're the medical director. Unleash all your forces and find out if this guy is a vampire. Remove his right great toenail, soak it in Formalin for ten minutes and hold it up to the sun."

"What'll that prove?" asked Goofus.

"I don't know, but it might save your eyesight if there's an eclipse."

Hawkeye had been aware of Jocko Allcock's presence and had no doubt that Jocko would provide the basic facts of the case. He asked, "Well, who stuck the flag in Reverend Titcomb. and why?"

Jocko was only too pleased to supply the information. "The Reverend was over to Eagle Head this mornin' marriage counselin' Sally Witham. He was amarriage counselin' the livin' bejeezus out of her in that tent they got in their back yard when Jake come home. Seems like the old Chevy engine in his lobster boat blew somethin', so he couldn't go haulin' off'n Egg Rock. Jake ain't got nawthin' agin religion, but he don't hold with marriage counselin'. He picked up that little flag was stuck in the lawn for the Fourth of July and he druv her right into the Reverend's chest."

"A true patriot," observed Hawkeye.

"Ayuh. I guess so," agreed Jocko.

A nurse approached and said, "Dr. McIntyre has turned the case over to you, Dr. Pierce."

Hawkeye went to see his new patient and introduced himself. " 'The Lord is my shepherd,' " the patient stated.

"Well, now, Reverend," said Hawkeye, "I'm reminded of a scene from Mister Roberts in which a sailor, stricken with gonorrhea in a supposedly clapless area, sought treatment from his physician. His physician, quite logically, under the circumstances, questioned the patient's basic philosophy and withheld treatment until he'd made the patient fully aware of the significance of his affliction. I can do no less. You, Reverend, on the day after the Fourth of July, have our flag stuck in your chest. I understand your emotional discomfort, but, after all, you are the only guy in Maine with a flag in your chest. I'll remove it, if you wish, but I want to be very sure that in the future you won't regret your decision."

" 'The Lord is my shepherd,' " answered Reverend Titcomb.

"Just in case Trapper's wrong, will someone move the Stars and Stripes about halfway down before I pull the staff out?" asked Hawkeye.

"What?" asked a nurse.

"That's the usual response to a simple order around here," said Hawkeye. "Jocko, will you provide us with background music?"

" 'Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light,' " sang Jocko, as Hawkeye pulled the flag from Reverend Titcomb's chest.

There was no gush of blood, but suddenly, from afar, came sounds of altercation. A nurse came running, yelling, "There's a fight in the intensive-care unit."

"Ben and John have come to," said Hawkeye. "Jocko, why don't you take them home? Maybe the professor will take me back to my boat."

Mr. Russell drove Hawkeye to Tedium Cove. "How'd it grab you, Professor?" asked Hawkeye.

"I just don't know," said Mr. Russell.

"I figured as much." said Hawkeye.