Snow's Angels

Scene: A snowbound ski lodge in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. A group of single, clean-cut young Americans are gathered around a fire singing sentimental songs. One chubby young man with glasses has his leg in a cast. Several others are sniffing cocaine discreetly. The scene glows with a feeling of well-being.

Pork Chop: Gosh, Judy, I sure do have the darnedest luck.

Judy: Well, Pork Chop, look at the bright side of things. It's a romantic night and a sultry brunette is writing on your cast.

Pork Chop: Aw, Judy, you're really swell, but you're just a girl. I'm going to miss the big ski meet tomorrow.

Judy: Don't worry, Pork Chop. I'll do everything I can to cheer you up. (She leers knowingly)

Cut To handsome Steve and voluptuous Verna, who are looking out the window.

Steve (nibbling on Verna's ear): Verna...Verna...this night...these stars...those magnificent snow-capped mountains. It's like...some kind of winter wonderland.

Verna (admiring his Adam's apple): You know, Steve, sometimes you sound like a poet.

Steve: Yes, Verna, I'm a sensitive guy beneath this lean, sinewy exterior.

Verna: Steve, may I ask you something?

Steve: Certainly, precious one.

Verna: You don't think of me as just a girl, do you?

Steve: Why, of course not, dearest, you're more than just tits and ass to me. You're a person.

Verna: Oh, Steve, how sweet of you! (Kisses him fondly) And you smell so good.

Steve: Honey, you make me feel ten feet long.

They embrace. Then the vast silence of the wilderness is shattered by the staccato whine of snowmobile engines.

Verna: Steve! What's that?

Steve: Sounds like...snowmobiles.They look at each other.

Cut To exterior of ski lodge. Five snowmobiles, customized with bizarre apparatus and painted garish colors, are roaring toward the lodge. The riders are archetypal greasers covered with leathers and furs. The leader, Big Grizzly, wears a viking helmet with horns. They shout obscenities at passing skiers, forcing one into a snowbank and running over another. These are the Snowmobile Scum. They pull up to the lodge, striking terror into the hearts of the clean-cut singles, some of whom hastily stash their cocaine. The Scum burst into the lodge and create instant chaos--goosing, giggling, etc.

Big Grizzly: Well, what a swell party. Heh-heh. Sorry we're late. (Looks around at the cowering group) Don't bother about formalities, folks. I'll just help myself. (He grabs Verna and plants a cold, slimy kiss on her)

Steve (his finely hewn jaw tense): Wait a minute, bub, just who do you think you are?

Big Grizzly (laughing sardonically): Hey, get this, you slobs! Pretty boy here thinks we're out of line. (Grabs him by the cheeks with two huge hands and shakes his head) What's the matter, pretty boy? Afraid of a little grease? Try this on for size. (Wipes his greasy hands all over Steve's face)

Steve: Whugh...awrakk...sputl Why, you....

Big Grizzly: Finish'm, Fang.

Fang, the funkiest of the Scum, points his armpit in Steve's direction, dropping him in an unconscious heap on the floor. The other punks laugh.

Verna (swinging at Big Grizzly): You fascist bully!

Big Grizzly (laughing): Hey! This one's got some moxie! (Tries to kiss Verna again. She resists him as she would a crocodile) Listen, sister, nobody--but I mean nobody--puts down Big Grizzly. (Rips her tight-fitting sweater and even tighter-fitting ski pants off her body in one swipe of his huge greasy paws) That's more like it.

Verna (attempting to conceal her generous charms from the ogling of the Scum): You...you...you male-chauvinist pig....

Big Grizzly (shutting her mouth with his fist): No doubt you've heard of our notorious gang-bangs. You are now to learn from harsh experience what it means to reject Scum like us. (He chuckles with lascivious menace)

Verna: Do you think I'm afraid of you? You puny closet queen! (She thrusts her breasts forward defiantly) Go ahead--rape me, you pathetic, overcompensating faggot.

Big Grizzly (puzzled but preoccupied with unbuckling the numerous belts and chains that adorn his befurred and beleathered person): So, OK, give me a few minutes here. (Chuckles and addresses himself to the other Scum, who are grinning appreciatively) This bush must be some kind of a maz-a-kist! (Winks)

Fang (laughing sycophantically): Yeah, boss, an' you know how to handle that type.

Mucous: Hey, boss, be sure and leave some for the rest of us. (He Salivates)

Verna (hands on hips): How long is this going to take?

Big Grizzly (still preoccupied): Hold yer water, sister.

Verna: Am I supposed to be intimidated? You expect me to grovel and submit as women have done for ages in the face of male tyranny? (She goes over to Big Grizzly and starts to work unbuckling his complicated and foul-smelling costume) Here, butterfingers.

Big Grizzly: Hey! What the--

Verna: Don't worry, I'm a New Woman.

Big Grizzly: I can do that myself.

Verna (pulling down his leather pants to reveal a pair of leather shorts with a skull-and-crossbones monogram): Very macho.

Big Grizzly: My mother gave them to me.

Fang (to Judy): His mother used to be a biker.

Judy: Far out.

Verna (to the naked Big Grizzly): Well?

Big Grizzly (embarrassed by his lack of spontaneous virility): Can't we try a little foreplay?

(Note: Foreplay is strictly forbidden in Scum tradition.)

Verna: You know what you are? You're a scared little boy.

Big Grizzly: Awright, lady, I've had enough of this intellectual shit. Fang! Mucous! Hold her whilst I prepare to mount. (Takes out a copy of Whips & Toddlers to arouse himself)

Verna: You will not colonize my body.

Fang (hesitantly): I gotta do what he says. It's the code we live by.

Verna (looking deep into his eyes): But...why, Fang, why?

Fang (stunned): Big Grizzly once saved my life in Khe Sanh.

Verna (knowingly): But this is now, Fang.

Fang (conscience-stricken): Are you kiddin' me? Big Grizzly took me to my first roller derby. He was the guy who taught me how to roll queers. He was everything I always wanted to be....He was...(with great intensity) somebody!

Verna (existentially--and breathing deeply): Don't you think it's time to live for yourself?

Fang (desperately): Wait a minute....You got me all confused....Big Grizzly was like a mother to me.

Verna: Fang, Fang, listen to me, Fang. You're different from all the rest. There's a great strong bird inside you that's aching to be free.

Fang: No shit?!...I...I...dunno...I...you're right! I wanna be me! Music swells.

Verna (positively): And you will, Fang.

Fang (wavering): Aw, I ain't got no smarts. I once had a thought, but it gave me a headache.

Verna (gently, sensing victory): You don't want to be a chauvinist forever, do you?

Fang (seriously): It's the only life I know.

Big Grizzly (now tumescent and bellowing): Goddamn it, spread that broad's thighs. I'm going to liberate her, yuk, yuk!

Fang (cracking): Spread 'em yourself, you big turd.

Verna (hand on Fang's shoulder): Right on!

Big Grizzly: You're askin' for it, Fang.

Fang: You think you're tough because you beat up on chicks--excuse me, women--and forest rangers. Well, I'm free of that phony male mystique, which is based on hatred and oppression of women.

Verna (gushing): Oh, Fang, you've expanded your consciousness!

Fang: Back off, Big Grizzly, 'cause me an' Verna are gonna work together as equals to build a new world based on revolutionary concepts of freedom, justice and sexual equality.

Big Grizzly (pulling up his leather pants with some difficulty): That dame's turned you to Jell-O. Are the rest of you Scum still ridin' with me?

Mucous: Sure, boss. In a few years we'll all be eligible for pensions.

Big Grizzly: Well, I'm glad to see there's still some respect for tradition aroun' heah. OK, Fang, here's a knuckle sandwich just for you. (He throws a punch. His fist hits an invisible shield and shatters audibly. Everybody laughs and cheers. The other Scum are embarrassed for their leader)

Fang: You'll notice I'm protected by an invisible shield of moral superiority. (Hands Big Grizzly a bottle of mouthwash) It also protects my breath in those intimate moments. Try some. You could use it.

Big Grizzly: You'll be sorry for this, Fang. Come on, Scum, let's go stomp a ski instructor.

The Scum shuffle out of the lodge despondently, get on their snowmobiles and roar off. Big Grizzly, turning in his seat to hurl a final imprecation, crashes into a grizzly bear and is ripped to shreds. The grizzly then bursts into flames. The other Scum, busy applauding the spectacle, plummet into a deep crevasse.

Cut To interior of lodge. All the singles, led by Fang and Verna, are copulating senselessly. Judy is satisfying Pork Chop in an unnatural manner.

Verna (into terminal euphoria): Fang....Oh, Fang! Unulululu! You must liberate yourself before you can liberate others! Unulululu.

Fang (spent): Up your revolution!

They kiss. Verna withdraws to cleanse herself of the scent of man. Fang wanders out to the porch. A large tractor trailer pulls up to the lodge. In the back there is a concert-grand piano. Fang climbs on and begins playing the piano variations by Webern. A tarpaulin rolls up, revealing the entire Tommy Dorsey band in grizzly-bear outfits. They accompany him. No one notices the 60-foot nuclear surf monster lurking on the beginners' ski run, staring hungrily through his radioactive eyes at the ski lodge....