Kephas and Elohenu

Darkness is on the face of the deep.

The voice of Elohenu is heard.

Elohenu: Let there be light.

Nothing happens.

Elohenu: Come on! Let there be light.

The lights suddenly and dazzlingly go on. Kephas is sitting at a desk, writing.

Elohenu: Who's coming? (Kephas goes on writing) Who's coming?

Kephas: What who's coming? No one is coming.

Elohenu: I thought I heard somebody.

Kephas: Nobody. You think I'm hiding somebody? Look in the desk.

Elohenu: All right, all right.

Kephas: Go ahead! Satisfy yourself. (Pulls out drawers) See? Nobody. (Closes them) Did you finish the crossword puzzle? The Sunday Times one?

Elohenu: Don't talk about crossword puzzles. They don't even tell you if the answer is in one word or two. And you know what they had in the last one? "Cockney's house." Can you imagine what the answer was? Three letters.

Kephas: O-M-E.

Elohenu: Yeah.

Kephas: It's a real education. Heraldic emblems, Bulgarian coins, genus of willows. What's the matter? Nothing to do? Bored? Want to play Scrabble?

Elohenu: Spot me fifty points?

Kephas: Ok. (Takes Scrabble set out of desk. Elohenu sits. Each takes a letter out of bag) F.

Elohenu: I've got an H. You go first.

Kephas: What do you mean? Highest letter goes first.

Elohenu: So? You've got an S.

Kephas: F, F, I've got an F!

Elohenu: Oh, an F. (They take letters and arrange them on their racks) I thought you said an S. (Looks up) Who's coming?

Kephas: Again with who's coming? You can't hear me when I say "F," but for people who aren't there, your hearing is twenty-twenty.

Elohenu: Yeah. Well, somebody's got to come sometime. Let's see, have I got a word? Yes! (Places four letters on board)

Kephas: BARK. Three, four, five, ten, doubled is twenty. (Makes a note) And I add an S and make WAVES. So that's eleven for BARKS and four, five, double score on the V makes eight, that's thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Twenty-six.

Elohenu: Is there a word rebarks?

Kephas: Of course not! Did you have that R-E from before?

Enter Marvin Harvey Jarvis.

Elohenu: Yes.

Kephas: Then why didn't you make BARKER?

Jarvis clears his throat.

Elohenu: Oh, am I dumb! I didn't think of it.

Kephas: Well, too bad. Play.

Elohenu: Here's a good one. RIVET.

Kephas: RIVET. Mmm. One, two, six, no, the four is tripled. Sixteen. You've got thirty-six. Now, watch this. T-O-E spells toe, and I also make TRIVET and Ok. (Jarvis clears his throat) That's nine, and five are fourteen, and three are seventeen. Not so much, but it's cute. Forty-three.

Elohenu: Very cute. Very, very cute. OK is acceptable?

Kephas: Here's the dictionary.

Elohenu: I believe it, I believe it. Cute. (Sees Jarvis) Who's that?

Kephas: Your turn. Will you stop imagining all the time that someone is coming? I'll let you know when someone is coming, I promise.

Jarvis: I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Kephas (jumping up): I didn't hear you come in. Did you hear him come in? How long have you been here? Are you alone?

Jarvis: Quite alone, I'm afraid. It's been a rather long and arduous journey.

Elohenu (staring at the board): Arduous. Seven letters. If I could make ARDUOUS, I'd be on Easy Street.

Kephas: Well, sit down. Sit, sit. Should I call down for coffee?

Jarvis: That would be more than kind.

Kephas (to Elohenu): You want anything?

Elohenu: Regular coffee and a cheese Danish.

Kephas (picking up phone): Get me the kitchen. The hot kitchen. I have a guest, a new arrival. Hello, Gennaro? Two regular coffees, one black, one cheese Danish-- Oh, no more cheese? How about a prune Danish? (Elohenu assents) One prune, one coffee ring and--

Jarvis: Could I have a sweet roll?

Kephas: A sweet roll?.

Jarvis: Or a doughnut, please.

Kephas: Or a doughnut. Listen, have you got a doughnut? Jelly doughnut all right? Yeah, Ok, that's it. Thanks, Gennaro. (Hangs up)

Jarvis: It never occurred to me that you would have these amenities. In fact, it never occurred to me that there would be eating here. But I find I'm quite hungry, oddly enough.

Kephas: Oh, it's not surprising. When did you last eat?

Jarvis: Well, yesterday, I suppose, if you count being fed intravenously.

Elohenu (as if meditating its use in Scrabble): In-tra-ve-nous-ly.

Kephas: Well, there you are. Nothing since yesterday. So. What's your name?

Jarvis: Marvin Harvey Jarvis. Reverend Marvin Harvey Jarvis.

Kephas: Wouldn't Marvin Jarvis be enough? Or Harvey Jarvis? Or Marvin Harvey?

Jarvis: I suppose so. But--well, I have a cousin named Marvin Jarvis; he's Marvin Service Jarvis. His mother was a Service.

Kephas: His mother was a service? (To Elohenu) Do you understand that?

Jarvis: Three names have a majestic rolling sound, I always thought, and when I was younger, particularly, I thought, for a young fellow going into the ministry who wants to make a name for himself--or three names, ha-ha!

Kephas (mystified): And to make matters worse, your mother was a service.

Jarvis: No, no, that was my cousin's mother! But I don't suppose you want to hear about my cousin's mother. He'll tell you all that himself in due course, when he arrives. Although I suppose she herself is already here. As are my own beloved parents. I'm afraid I'm interrupting a game of some kind.

Kephas: Oh, that's all right. He was bored, so we played. I haven't time to be bored. I have all this paperwork to do.

Jarvis: I see.

Enter a small Demon with coffee, etc.

Kephas: How much? (Elohenu takes out some money)

Demon: A dollar twenty.

Jarvis: Let me, please. Oh, damn it! I haven't any money.

Elohenu: It's on me. Everything here is on me. Keep the change.

Demon: Thanks. (Exit)

Jarvis: That's another thing that surprises me. The fact that you use money.

Elohenu: Oh, we don't care about it, but they like it downstairs. They say it's the root of all service. No offense to your mother.

Jarvis: It is! It is! I've never shied away from it myself, I can tell you. Will that mean a black mark against my name? Mmm, this coffee is good. My compliments to the chef. But I've always said, the family that prays together pays together. That's where I come in. Well, gentlemen, you have the advantage of me.

Kephas: I know.

Jarvis: I mean you haven't told me your names.

Kephas: Kephas.

Elohenu: Elohenu. (Both shake hands with Jarvis)

Jarvis: You fellows are angels, I suppose. You'll pardon me if I act like a hick. After all, I'm new here, although I've been talking about this place for a long time! I don't suppose, for example, that there are really pearly gates.

Kephas: There are pearly gates, but they're in the shop for repairs. People keep breaking off pieces for souvenirs. I don't understand it. I'll tell you one thing: I wouldn't let them in if I caught them at it.

Jarvis: You wouldn't let them in?

Kephas: Absolutely not.

Jarvis: Why, you don't mean to say you're Peter? The fisherman?

Kephas: Who has time to fish? Day in and day out, all I do is mind the door.

Jarvis: I'm sorry. Should I have bowed? I had no idea it was you. You look so--my word! Imagine meeting Saint Peter! And you, sir, are you a saint, too?

Elohenu (uncomfortably): No, not really.

Kephas: Why don't you tell him? You're not ashamed, are you? (Elohenu shakes his head) Well, if you're not ashamed, why don't you tell him? He's God.

Jarvis: God! (Elohenu nods, still somewhat embarrassed but beginning to smile) God! But how can you be God?

Elohenu: Well, somebody has to be.

Jarvis: But God? Good God! Why, that's--it's great! Just great, simply great! You mean you're the Lord of hosts, the Almighty, the Supreme Being--

Kephas: Come on, you're embarrassing him.

Jarvis: But think what this means to me, as a minister of the Gospel, a man of God, as some are pleased to call me, to come face to face with the Lord God in the middle of a game of Scrabble. God plays Scrabble?

Elohenu: God shouldn't play Scrabble?

Jarvis: Oh, forgive me, Lord! How presumptuous of me, mere dust that I am, to question even for a moment the fittingness of Thy playing Scrabble. But I confess I could not have been more surprised if I had heard that Thou solvedest crossword puzzles.

Elohenu: Put yourself in my place.

Jarvis: In Thy holy place? No, no!

Elohenu: Take today. First I solved the Times crossword puzzle. That's the Sunday one. The Sunday one is hard! (Trying to impress Jarvis, but Jarvis has never worked on a Sunday Times crossword) It took me three hours. The Saturday Review literary cryptogram and the Wit Twister I solved last week. This week's isn't here yet. (To Kephas) Was there any mail? I don't like Double Crostics. Tonight there's a string quartet. Meanwhile, there are four hours to kill. Maybe I can get you a ticket. Do you like music?

Kephas: Wait, wait, he's not admitted yet.

Elohenu: So what should I do? Make more scenery? By the way, do you know the Alps?

Jarvis: I've been there, yes. The Jung-frau, the Matterhorn, Mont Blanc.

Elohenu: Nice, huh? I made them.

Kephas: Of course you made them; everybody knows you made them.

Elohenu: I liked making the Alps. I knew right away they would be good. Actually, mountain ranges are almost foolproof. But try making an interesting desert! Now, there's a challenge. I almost succeeded in parts of Arizona. But the Sahara was a flop. Boy, was I ashamed of the Sahara! I just went on and on for hundreds of miles, putting in sand, putting in sand. I don't know what I was thinking of.

Kephas: You complain you're bored; why don't you do something about the Sahara?

Elohenu: Like what?

Kephas: How should I know like what? That's your job.

Elohenu: Once I'm finished, I don't like to go back and--what's the word?

Kephas: Potchky.

Elohenu: Not potchky. Are you kidding? Potchky isn't in any dictionary, I guarantee that! You try making potchky in Scrabble sometime and I'll hand you your head. Potchky! Anyway, there it is. I'm an unemployed scenery maker. I've been thinking of starting a new world, but I don't know. There doesn't seem to be any demand for one.

Jarvis: But art Thou not concerned, O Lord, with the souls of men?

Elohenu: Me? People don't make deals with me about their souls; they make (continued on page 250)Kephas and Elohenu(continued from page 134) deals with the Devil. And of course he can't deliver; he's just a fraud. (Chuckles) A lovable fraud. I don't put on airs the way he does. I'm just a scenery maker.

Jarvis: Wilt Thou abandon the world that Thou madestest? Thine own handiwork which the race of men hast defiled--

Kephas: Hath defiled. Hath Third person singular.

Jarvis: Hath defiled in disobedience of Thine express command--

Kephas: Wouldn't "Thy express command" be better?

Elohenu: It's followed by a vowel. "Thy express command"? "Thine express command"? Hard to be sure in these cases.

Kephas: Look, Service, this archaic speech is all very nice, but none of us are quite up to it.

Elohenu (triumphantly): None of us is quite up to it!

Jarvis: Hath defiled in disobedience of Thine express command when Thou sentest Thine only begotten son to redeemeth us. When Thou spaketh to Moseth and gaveth him Thy Ten Commandethments--

Kephas: Sit down, sit down.

Jarvis: Honor thy father and thy mother! Thou shalt not commit adultery! (Sits)

Kephas: Take it easy. There, there.

Jarvis: Thou shalt not kill thy manservant nor thy maidservant.

Kephas: That's right. Don't worry. Everything is going to be just fine. We have a few formalities. (Takes a pen) Your name is Alvin Service Garvis.

Jarvis (exhausted): Jarvis Parvis Harvis.

Kephas: Yes. Age?

Jarvis: Twiddlety-two.

Kephas: Sex?

Jarvis: Masking tape.

Kephas: Any distinguishing sins or vices?

Jarvis: Avarice and hypocrisy.

Kephas (writing): Av-a-rice and hypoc-ra-cy.

Elohenu (without looking): You spelled hypocrisy wrong.

Kephas: How?

Elohenu: You spelled it like democracy. It should be I-S-Y.

Kephas (making the correction): I don't know why I should spot you fifty points if you're so smart. Occupation?

Elohenu: God.

Kephas: Not you, him. Service! What's your occupation?

Jarvis (coming out of his trance): Man of the cloth.

Kephas: Really? I wish you'd have a look at this robe. You see where the seam is? It's splitting along the seam. Of course it's a thousand years old. But try ordering a new one! They give you nothing but lip down there.

Jarvis: I'm afraid there's a slight misunderstanding.

Kephas (picking up phone): Get me the tailor shop. Hello! Who's this? Yo no speak Espanish. Get me the boss.

Jarvis: A slight misconception, I'm afraid--

Kephas: Quiero hablar to the boss. Mr. O'Grady. That you, O'Grady? I've got a worker for you. A man of the cloth. Well, on the steam press, how should I know? What? It is? (Covers mouthpiece) O'Grady says a man of the cloth is a preacher.

Jarvis: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Kephas: Not a tailor at all. Why did you say you were a tailor? Hello, O'Grady? You're right, he's a man of the cloth. What? Oh, very funny, O'Grady, very, very funny. Same to you, with knobs. (Hangs up) So! All this about man of the cloth, minister of the Gospel, this and that, and you're a preacher.

Jarvis: From you, sir, I accept that cognomen quite humbly, even with its somewhat pejorative implications.

Kephas: Ah! You speak in tongues. That's a language I understand. I used to preach a little myself. I don't mind telling you, Jarv, it looks good. I think you're in. (To Elohenu) What do you think? Is he in?

Elohenu: It's up to you.

Kephas: I know it's up to me. You've got an opinion, haven't you?

Elohenu: You want my opinion? All right. (Confidentially) In my opinion, he's a tailor. In my opinion, he couldn't preach his way out of a wet paper bag.

Kephas: Suppose you're right. Even suppose you're right. As a tailor, he's still in.

Elohenu: Yeah, but as a tailor, he goes downstairs.

Kephas: A detail, a mere detail.

Elohenu: A detail? Who just said you couldn't get good service? Would another pair of hands hurt?

Kephas: I can't make him a tailor for all eternity without giving him a fair trial.

Elohenu: Give him a fair trial! Find out what he knows about invisible weaving.

Kephas: O'Grady doesn't even want him.

Elohenu: Is O'Grady bigger than you, or are you bigger than O'Grady?

Kephas: Come here, Jarv. Preach to me.

Jarvis: Preach to you? Now?

Kephas: Why not? We're a perfect audience. I'm from the New Testament, he's from the Old. Sock it to us.

Jarvis: Could I have a set of golf clubs, please? I never preach without them.

Kephas (into phone): Rush a set of golf clubs up here. (Hangs up phone and takes out watch) Give us the old brimstone-and-eternal-damnation bit. Put thunder into your voice and roll your eyes a lot. Not that I need to teach you your business. Five seconds. Two seconds. (A sign reading Preach lights up)

Jarvis: I understand that in addition to the five thousand-odd people here in the main chapel of this great church, there are also five hundred or more in the smaller chapel, who can hear my voice although they cannot see me. I should like to assure those lucky ones that my message today is equally for them.

Kephas: Nice going.

Jarvis: You know--I've got a funny job. My job is to tell people what they already know. It's a strange thing for a grown man to be doing. And yet--think about it a minute. It's what we all do. From a casual remark about the weather to a closely reasoned newspaper editorial. How often have you felt a shock of recognition, a feeling of "This is true!" when a neighbor tells you, "Nice day"?

Elohenu: You know, he's right.

Kephas: Sh!

Jarvis: Recently, I was talking with a man who seemed to have everything: a beautiful wife, good stock portfolio, a game in the low eighties. And yet this man was miserable. He couldn't communicate with his daughter. The shock of recognition was missing when either of them spoke to the other. This man turned to me and said, "Reverend, how have I offended God?" I said to him, "God isn't offended with you, Bill. God offends those who offend themselves." He drew back, surprised. "Reverend," he said, "I've honestly never thought of it that way before." The shock of recognition. I had simply told him something he already knew, something he had always known. He went home that evening and gave his daughter a diamond necklace and a new pair of dungarees. "Oh, Daddy," she said, "you're a peach!"--or whatever young people are saying nowadays. The shock of recognition was back. (Enter a Demon in a golf cart with a set of clubs. He gives one to Jarvis and thereafter acts as his caddie.) The other day, I was talking with an FBI agent. This man seemed to have everything: four lovely children, a ranch-style house and extensive slum properties. And yet fate had not dealt kindly with this man. He had been instructed by his bureau to seduce the district organizer of the Communist Party. Here was a man who had been brought up in the Church; but he decided, wisely, I think, that his country's need overrode any other considerations. When he begged, after six months, to be relieved of the assignment. J. Edgar Hoover asked him personally to continue. And then it developed that a terrible mistake had been made, probably by a computer. The girl was herself an FBI agent. Here was a man who seemed to have everything and who had violated the Seventh Commandment, as it turned out for no reason. J. Edgar Hoover personally apologized. And yet the sense of transgression was strong in this man. It was ten years after this shattering incident that this man came to me. "What do you think I ought to do, Reverend?" he pleaded. "Bill," I said, "have you ever thought about breaking it off?" "Breaking it off!" he said. "Breaking it off!" "Yes, Bill," I told him. "Breaking it off." He drew back, astonished. "Reverend," he said, "I've honestly never thought of it that way before.".

Kephas: What do you think?

Elohenu: He's a tailor. "Breaking it off"--like a piece of thread.

Jarvis (lighting a cigarette): Last week I was talking with a prominent industrialist. This man seemed to have everything: hundreds of natives toiling in his African mines, factories belching smoke (as he says this, he belches smoke), oil wells, brothels, bingo parlors, you name it. On top of that, he was the governor of two states. Power? He had it. Money? Don't make me laugh. And yet this man increasingly felt that his life was a hollow sham, that he was just filling in time on his way to the grave. "Reverend," he said to me, "Reverend, where did I go wrong?" "Bill," I said, "I'm no pro, but it looks very much to me as if you're neglecting your backswing." He took my advice, and wham! Two hundred and fifty yards right down the middle of the patch.

Elohenu: How did he make out hollow shamwise?

Jarvis: You mustn't interrupt the sermon.

Elohenu: But you're not saying anything.

Jarvis: One more outburst and I'll clear the court.

Kephas: Jarvis.

Jarvis: This is intolerable. Sergeant at arms!

Kephas: Jarvis, there's no one out there. Wake up, Jarvis. (Snaps fingers) Jarvis, on the basis of your sermon, I have reached a decision. You have a way with words, Jarvis, but there is about you a certain vulgarity. I imagine that you adhere to the proposition that it takes a heap o' livin' to make a house a home.

Jarvis: Axiomatic, I would have thought.

Kephas: I suspect, too, that you are partial to the season when the frost is on the punkin.

Jarvis: Am I ever!

Elohenu:.

That time of year thou mayst inme behold.

When yellow leaves, or none, orfew, do hang.

Upon those boughs which shakeagainst the cold,.

Bare ruin'd choirs, where late thesweet birds sang.

Jarvis:.

"We are lost!" the captain shoutedas he staggered down the stairs,And the something somethingsomething,But his little daughter whispered,as she took his icy hand, "Isn't--".

Kephas: That does it. Jarvis, you're unacceptable.

Jarvis: You mean--you mean I have to go to--to the other place?

Demon takes the club from his hand, replaces it and drives off.

Kephas: There is no other place. There's upstairs and there's downstairs and that's it. Downstairs it's hot; they work hard and they laugh a lot. Jarvis, why weren't you a baker? Why weren't you a cobbler? You'd be useless downstairs.

Elohenu: He could learn a trade. It's never too late.

Kephas: Never too late, he's dead! Who ever heard of a dead man learning a trade?

Elohenu: It does sound silly when you put it that way.

Kephas: Then there's upstairs. Here, with us, and Beethoven and all those people.

Jarvis: I'd like that!

Elohenu: Beethoven wouldn't. He won't even talk to us.

Kephas: Why should he? We couldn't have composed the Rasoumovsky quartets if we tried all day. Let's face it, the only reason we're here is that we're the founders. And the thing is, Jarv, you wouldn't really feel at home. Jarvis--Jarv--I feel a certain affection for you. All this is not entirely your fault. Things might have been different. I want you to go back and try again.

Jarvis: You mean I don't have to be dead?

Kephas: Jarvis has to be dead, but you don't have to be Jarvis.

Elohenu: Isn't it amazing? They have no idea how it works.

Kephas: And it's so simple. (Consults a list) You could be the Larsen baby. It's a boy and you'll be born in about two months. The personality is about to be formed, so there isn't a minute to lose.

Jarvis: What's my first name?

Kephas: That's up to your parents, Mr. and Mrs. Jens Larsen of Kristiansund, Norway. They're simple people. Mr. Larsen is a street cleaner. They'll go downstairs someday. If you live right, so will you. What do you say, Jarvis?

Jarvis is silent.

Elohenu: What do you say, Larsen?

Jarvis-Larsen lies on the floor and sobs loudly. Kephas quickly brings him a pacifier.

Kephas: There, there, baby, baby, there, there, mustn't cry. Mommy's here. Nice, warm Mommy, all round and round. Rockaby, rockaby, hear the heartbeat, boom, boom, boom. (Sings) "Baby's boat's a silver dream,/Sailing on the sea...." (Continues to hum until two angels enter and carry the sleeping Jarvis-Larsen away. There is a silence Elohenu laughs.)

Elohenu: People.

Kephas: What?

Elohenu: People are funny.

Kephas: You're very profound.

Elohenu: No, but they are.

Kephas: Well, who made them, and in whose image? (Returns to his desk) And whose turn is it?

Elohenu: It's mine and I'm making Intravenously.

Kephas: You can't! It's got too many letters. Where did you get all those extra letters?

Elohenu: I created them.

Kephas: Well, I'm not admitting them. Now, you play the game right or I quit.

Elohenu: Ok. Want to play in French?

Kephas: That means you've got the Q and no U.

Elohenu: Mais out, mon ami.

Kephas: D'accord, jouons en français.

Elohenu: Voilà!.

Kephas: Ah! Quel est ce mot? Voyons--toris, quatre, quatorze....

As Kephas murmurs on in French, Elohenu signals to the electricians.

Elohenu: Let there be darkness. (Nothing happens) Come on--darkness.

The lights are suddenly extinguished. Darkness is again on the face of the deep.