You can't send a kid up in a crate like that!

Ever since television began running old movies, which is ever since television, people have been coining up with Late Show trivia games--until the games themselves have become trivial. Anyone with a minimally functional memory remembers that Dooley Wilson played you know what in Casablanca and that William Powell and Myrna Loy were the original Nick and Nora Charles. The games, like the movies, suffer from over-exposure. There are over 17,300 movies currently available to television viewers, but the collective dialog in most of them is uniquely sparse. Most Late Show statements produce automatic Late Show responses, and therein lies the true test of the TV-movie connoisseur. He can spot the proper cliché in a crowd. He not only knows that the sentiment "Those drums, that monotonous rhythm--it's driving me crazy" is dialog from King Solomon's Mines, Mogambo and half a dozen other white-hunter jungle movies; he also knows just what phrase triggers the crazed coward to make that admission.

Here is a list of 20 statements with perfectly reasonable responses following each. Only one of the given responses, however, is cinematographically correct in the creed of the Late Show. The expert wouldn't miss one. The journeyman viewer shouldn't miss more than three, and even the casual buff ought to get more than 12 right. Go rate thyself.

1. Statement: "Ah, come on, fellas. Give me a break, will ya?"

Response A: "OK, OK. Just quit your whining, Tony. We'll take another look at that repair estimate."

Response B: "Gee, since you put it that way--certainly."

Response C: "Sure. Just like the break you gave Shorty."

2. Statement: "Why on earth do you suppose he acted that way?"

Response A: "I don't know. Maybe he's just very sensitive about fag jokes." (continued on page 194) You can't send a kid up (continued from page 167)

Response B: "Drugs. Damn kids are all on drugs."

Response C: "I don't know, but I sure aim to find out."

3. Statement: "But it's been so long. I don't even know if I'll be able to recognize him. How does he look?"

Response A: "Well, I'll have to admit, those Danish doctors have a damned deft touch."

Response B: "Oh, just about the same, I guess. Maybe a little older. A little tireder."

Response C: "Oh, just about the same, I guess. Except for that funny hair that sprouts all over him once a month."

4. Statement: "I'm going up there after him, Ben."

Response A: "I know, Charley, I know you have to."

Response B: "He's Ben. I'm Bruce."

Response C: "Give him another ten minutes, Charley. You know how long it's been since he's had any."

5. Statement: "I think this is our dance ... Mother."

Response A: "Are you out of your tree? What do you think your father would say?"

Response B: "Keep your pants on, Junior. The way I've got my card listed, your dance comes after Fred Jordan's and before Reverend Caulfield's."

Response C: "Oh ... Son!"

6. Statement: "Will we ever meet again, Rachel?"

Response A: "It depends, I guess. Do you always take this bus?"

Response B: "Sure. How about tomorrow during recess, over by the swings?"

Response C: "No, John. It's better that we don't."

7. Statement: "You got a real pretty little wife there, McGraw. Real pretty. I'd sure hate to see her face made over with a meat chopper."

Response A: "Really? Why?"

Response B: "Jesus, you can say that again."

Response C: "Is that supposed to be some kind of threat, Lucchi?"

8. Statement: "You got a real nice place here, Feinstein. A real swell joint. Sure would be a shame to see it smashed up."

Response A: "You should bite your tongue to even think a thought like that."

Response B: "Naw, it wouldn't be too bad. I'm covered up to fifty thousand dollars."

Response C: "Is that supposed to be some kind of threat, Lucchi?"

9. Statement: "My liege, the crowd has broken past the inner guard and is making its way to the castle!"

Response A: "They are my people. They will not harm me."

Response B: "Filthy rabble! I told you we never should have issued them shoes."

Response C: "Is that supposed to be some kind of threat, Sir Giles?"

10. Statement: "These men need rest, Captain."

Response A: "The men will rest when I tell them to rest."

Response B: "Already? Gosh, it seems like we just started. OK, guys, let's take five."

Response C: "They need rest? My dear Sergeant, I was at a coming-out party last night that just went on for days and days."

11. Statement: "It ain't a pretty sight, is it, Son?"

Response A: "Depends on what you're into, Dad."

Response B: "But, Dad. he's our President."

Response C: Silent gagging.

12. Statement: "Fuzzy, I think I'm gonna take that job."

Response A: "It's all right with me. But your old lady's going to have a hell of a time trying to explain that her son works in a Whips of All Nations retail house."

Response B: "But, Tex, that's like jumping into a barrel full of ornery wildcats."

Response C: "You're not going to take anything until you quit calling me Fuzzy."

13. Statement: "Will he ever forgive me?"

Response A: "To be perfectly frank, I doubt it."

Response B: "In time, perhaps."

Response C: "I don't know, Howie. He was awfully fond of his wife and children."

14. Statement: "Won't your family be worried about you, little fella?"

Response A: "Only until the bomb goes off."

Response B: "Fuck 'em."

Response C: "I haven't got any family, sir."

15. Statement: "What do you make of it, Corporal?"

Response A: "If I may say so, Major, that's one stacked broad."

Response B: "Comanches. Ten, maybe twelve ponies. Heading south."

Response C: "Looks to me, sir, like a case of manic-depressive neurosis manifesting itself as antisocial behavior."

16. Statement: "I'm Dr. Parker."

Response A: "Hi, Doc. It's about this rash...."

Response B: "I don't care if you're Albert Schweitzer. No one clears Customs with four kilos of opium."

Response C: "You're Dr. Parker! But I had expected ... I mean we thought, sir ... I mean, ma'am ... that you would be...."

17. Statement: "Whatsa matter, Mom?"

Response A: "Something's happened to your father, Son."

Response B: "Cramps."

Response C: "I don't know how to tell you this, Jimmy. Daddy just ran off with your little girlfriend from day camp."

18. Statement: "And if I am unable to save the Apache?"

Response A: "Well, I guess that means one less Apache."

Response B: "Then he and that horse will be one, forever."

Response C: "You die."

19. Statement: "Bob, please ... please be gentle."

Response A: "Relax, will you? I told you, I've done this a million times. Just turn over on your stomach like I said and take deep breaths."

Response B: "I love you, Susan. You're just going to have to remember that ... always."

Response C: "You're putting me on. Tell me you're putting me on. This really isn't your first time, but you're having a little joke at my expense, right?"

20. Statement: "Doctor, this time you've gone too far."

Response A: "Really? I knew I should have turned at the last clover-leaf."

Response B: "Fool! I am pursuing the secret of life--I cannot be concerned about a few bodies."

Response C: "I'm sorry--my hand slipped."

... Mark me, doctor, you're tampering with nature.... For many moons my people have lived at peace.... Why don't you let me have that gun, my son? ... great silver bird come bye-um-bye.... Oh, daddy, sometimes I think there has to be more to life than cruising on our yacht.... There's only one thing lower than a coyote--and that's a sheepman.... You can't be the freckle-faced little brat with the pigtails? ... I want you out of town by sundown, cantrell.... Someday I'll make you eat those words or my name isn't Ludwig Van Beethoven!

Correct Late Show dialog responses:

1 -- C 6 -- C 11 -- C 16 -- C

2 -- C 7 -- C 12 -- B 17 -- A

3 -- B 8 -- C 13 -- B 18 -- C

4 -- A 9 -- A 14 -- C 19 -- B

5 -- C 10 -- A 15 --B 20 -- B