Samuel Pepys in Funne City

Zounds! the noted diarist of 17th century london be alive in newe york towne--if ye call it living

June 1, 1973. Praise God and the simpler antibiotics, my ailment now having gone away, I do vow to be more selective henceforth in the matter of sport with maydes, and to comport myself with restraint and not run amuck, except when necessary. My own situation now quite handsome, with lodgings near the Central Park, and me in good health generally, saving a tendency to twitch in elevators with Muzak. The condition of the towne is this: Bands of youthes do roam abroad and inscribe their name and street upon every surface, thus: "Taki 183," or "José 174," or a personal message, viz.: "Ayn Rand is effeminate," which are called graffiti and an eyesore. I saw one legend on a wall, "Ichabod 79," but it lacked authority, methought. The Mayor do oft appear in (continued on page 208) Samuel Pepys (continued from page 125) publick, and is marvellous to look at, being so regular featur'd and pretty, and fine complexion'd, and good hair, and quite tall for a Mayor; in sum, a most perfect goy, but how this aide him in govourning, I know not.

June 4. Up very betimes, as the parrot got into the blender and turned it on somehow, which caused a curious noise until the plug were pulled; but I fear olde Num-nums will not be the same, unless a plastic beak can be fashioned, and there are feathers in the chandelier. A pox on the bird, say I. Contented myself with a breakfast of chicken-egges, which I fear to eat of late, as Dr. Nishman claimeth the ingestion of dairy do surely coat the heart with fatty globules and cause a great distress, which is called an attack of the heart, or Failure, and quite slows up your dancing. But egges being such a noble dish, I cannot believe they are harmfull, for then why would God leave them around if they be a slow poison? Unless that is what He is up to. By taxi-cab to the office and did again observe how the meter did click pell-mell with each jolt of the vehicle, so that the cost was exceeding great for a ride of exceeding shortness. So paid the cab-man and added a gratuity, which he scorned, telling me of a place I might keep it, but he was mistaken, as that is no place for coins.

June 5. Up, and made myself fine, and to the Park, where I fell to merry talk with Mrs. L., who wore, as is the fashion, a man's shirte of denim and trousers of the same, of a tight fit and much faded; and even though these be common laborers' cloathes, somehow they do enhance her charmes, and did put thoughts into my head which made it ake greatly. Thence we to the Museum of Art, where, it being deserted, she suffer'd me to kiss her between the Rubens and then I did touch her near the Velázquez. Thence to a seafood house and I did give her oysters, hoping to perform something more than ordinary with her, but she demurred, saying I did dishonour her, which is a laugh. So home to bed, hornily.

June 7. Have this day read that if a man take a glass of water and put into it some honeycomb and vinegare of apples, and drink it daily on arising, it will thin his blood and he need not fear of falling down in a publick washroom of syncope. The taste of this mixture is vile, yet it is good for the health; whereas the taste of chicken-egges is heavenly, but they stop the heart. Surely there is a moral in this, but it eludeth me.

June 8. Up, and to the bus, where I did see a girle of most saucy visage, so I inclined my head to her, and I confess I wished to shew her some dalliance; but soon was she joined by a fellow with a size 20-1/2 neck, so I smiled at them both, but he smileth not.

June 11. Have this day heard a frightful tayle told of my uncle Mordecai, which is remarquable in being one of many similar, and not unusuall tayles, concerning what may occur in daylight in this city. My uncle M., now in his 65th yeare, praise God, and a good man, was abroad, in full view of many citizens, when a blackamoor did approach him and demand a dollar of money, but having none, he refused; whereupon the knave did cause my uncle to be mugged, thus: by bringing down a large root upon his head with such force that he must now be fed with a spoon, and this a man who for 40 years ran a successful fabric house. I would not believe it except I have myself seen him in his lodgings, standing in the vestibule with fishing tackle and hip bootes, and he bade me be silent as he was "trolling for moonbeames," so I know his brain is turned to forcemeat; and my aunt Minna has thrown up her hands, saying the city is in the hands of freebooters. And someone hath today written with paint upon my building, "Burn, Whitey!" So to the locksmith for a few more dead bolts, and to bed, clutching a bread knife.

June 13. Up, and to the office, where Jane did give me messages and mail, and I did note with satisfaction her new cloake and a brave pair of bootes which were most revealling; and she came into my office and I dictated many letters of a serious nature but could not post them, as I had put all the verbs at the beginning of the sentences and all the nouns at the end and the word "thigh" appear'd thrice in every paragraph, which vexed me; so we threw the letters out the window and I touched her on the left breast, or Zillman, which I do think is truly the most wonderful breast in the entire building, excepting her right one, and it is a great pity she is limited to two. So home by rail, and did see an entertainment on the tube, which is called the "Six o'Clocke Newes," and is so ill-conceived that I think it surely the worst thing I have ever seen in all my days. Verily, do these newes-men simper and giggle until I must throw a boote at the screen.

June 17. (Lord's day) This evening by rail with Mr. Reynolds to the Broad Way and, as it is my custom to be curious in all things, did see an entertainment, which is called "Deep Throate," a film of medical nature and quite remarquable, esp. the younge girle, who methinks is greatly talented in her role, and does possess fine qualities and skills and may prove a good actor or a sensational travelling-companion to whoever may so employ her. Thence home to dalliance with Sandra, who did chide me, saying I waked her from sleep, and complain'd, but soon stop'd complaining, and then showed me severall ideas she said she had thought of. I do believe she hath seen this film herself, and is coy; but it is not a bad thing if this be the result. So to sleep, deeply.

June 20. Up betimes, and made my breakfast of muffins and chicken-egges, for which I shall surely be sorry, and resolve now to have no more until a week Tuesday, but it will be a tryall, for I love my breakfast of chicken-egges, as is well known. Dr. Nishman hath suggested instead of egges, a portion of cereal, but somehow I cannot embrace the milled grains for a breakfast food. May God guide me, perhaps the answer lies in waffles.

June 21. Up, and to Dr. Kugler the head-candler for some shrinkage of the braine, and recalled a troubling dream, viz.: that everyone in America had a banjoe but myself, which irked me mightily, and they rebuked me, saying: "Looked, he hath no banjoe!" and thereupon all did play and dance an air, China Boy, with a wondrous solo by Mr. Sidney Bechet which set me aweeping, and I did swoon, and awoke with a dizzinesse in the head; and Dr. Kugler say it be a dream not of a banjoe but of sex; yet howsoever I did entreat him, he would fain tell me no more, but did only smirk and be silente in that way of his, and it cost me 50 big ones to hear this.

June 22. Up, and to the Museum, hoping to see Mrs. L., but she not being there, thence by taxi to the office, which was deare and put me out of humour. Mr. P. did frown at me, saying I must be at the office earlier, which greatly annoy'd me, and I riposted, saying he should hire a dairy-farmer in my stead, as he would surely rise quite betimes, which was a good reply and witty, methought (and well received by Jane and others), whereupon Mr. P. and I had much high exchange, and I called him Asse and Jerke, and he me; and he twisted my nose and I boxed his eare. So I retired and had many thoughts of placing a cheese in his hat to vex him, until I learned he hath no hat.

June 23. To my barber's for a light trimme of the hair, but he was fain to wash it first, which means that the neck is fitted into a grooved basin, whereupon hot water is pour'd into the hair and eyes, which is distressing to them, and then a mayde do briskly rub a soape into the head, and all is in disarray, and one perceives one's image in the glass, looking like a corpse which has been under water for three days, and all under the guise of getting groom'd. But the mayde which washed my hair, called Helga, and me thinks not too innocent but pretty enough, did paye me a compliment on my scalp and give me her personal card against anon. So home and had a quandary of severall thoughts, and severall times did dial her number, but always stopping after six digits. So to bed, wondering if I had my hair cut twice in two days, would it cause comment?

June 24. Have newes this day of my parents, God preserve them, who, being retired, do pursue such activities as might pleasure them, such as knitting or games, and on occasion will take a small nostrum or remedy to ease their pains; and I am given to understand that a prescription being wrongly filled, they did each ingest a tablet of Benzedrine, mistaking it for a tranquillizer, which caused them a mighty weirdness, viz.: that my father did in one stroke push his shuffleboard disk across the road and through the living-room window of the Breitroses, whereupon it struck one Sholom Breitrose upon the knee, and there will likely be a suit; and my mother did knit within ten minutes a stocking 18 feet in length before she could be sedated. Order is now restored, but methinks a certain pharmacy wants looking into.

July 5. Up, and a pleasant morning, so to the center of towne for a stroll, where I did perceive severall new crazies; and I do believe there are more crazies to be seen in the publick streets than ever before. Perhaps the recent turn of political events, or the strangeness of the times do express itself in these poor folk of weird demeanour, as if Nature would warn us how near we all are to lunacy. I did see some crazies new to me, and some familiar, viz.: The Man Who Walks. This is a tall fellow, dressed in bootes and knapsack, with determined bearing and great stride, who might be a messenger on urgent duty, except he may be seen walking north one moment, then east the next, and then south a few moments later, with no objective; and bearing a hand-lettered legend on his back: "No One May Assassinate Me but My Relatives," which is strange and marvellous to see, and he is definitely moon-city. The Man with a Leaf on His Head or The Salad-Man; a younge man with Alpine hat, quite normal-looking in all respects, but one may observe a leaf of Boston lettuce or endive sticking under his hat; why, I know not, and I ween neither does he, but he seems to require it: The Farting Man, who must be avoided at all costs, esp. in elevators; and, finally, the Ray-Lady, of aristocratic mien, who weareth opera-gloves and furs and a protective hat of aluminum foil, to keep her from the rays emitted by the Empire State Building television tower, which she claim do badly posison her mind. And who can say she is not right?

July 10. Up, and busy all the morning packing severall chests against a trip out of the city, for the heat and closeness do finally make me strange, and put my head and mind out of order, and rob me of my gusto; perhaps a week at the shore will restore it; for while I do love the city, the danger of calamity do encrease daily (I have today heard of one man killing another for a parking-space, and neither had cars) and the cost of food and lodging already calamitous; and soon I think the only ones left will be the brigands and the crazies, and perhaps it will not be a bad thing, for they may put the city to better use than we. So now to the Long Island Expressway, may God prepare me.