I'm Ok--You're So-So

Until Recently, psychiatry was the only cure for patients troubled by depression, ennui, feelings of worthlessness, paranoia, neurotic fears, alienation and, on rare occasions, scurvy. Today, of course, the self-awareness industry has expanded considerably, as countless new forms of psychotherapy, encounter groups and quasi-religious sects have sprung up everywhere. Some of these appear to hold promise, but the majority are destined to be mere fads. What is worse, a good idea is often corrupted. Before proceeding to describe the I'm OK--You're So-So way of life, which has been proved 100 percent effective, let us examine a few of these corrupt self-help programs that are currently in vogue (and often in Time and Newsweek as well) in order to point out their drawbacks:

• Transatlantic Meditation. The original version was popularized by an Indian mystic and self-made millionaire, the Maharishi Hershie. (Observers of the youth scene will recall that this was the path of (continued on page 284)I'm OK-You're So-So(continued from page 213) enlightenment to which Mia Farrow and the Beatles vowed to devote the rest of their lives for several weeks.) Currently, devotees begin by assuming the lotus position. They then pick up a Princess phone, dial Paris information and go "Ummm ..." into the receiver. Within hours, a sense of inner peace, tranquillity and extra message units prevails. Drawback: Even true believers find this technique unbelievably expensive.

• Tantric Yoghurt. Another corruption of a fine idea. Practitioners start with traditional deep breathing and proceed with other exercises until they are comfortably standing on their head. At this point, a practitioner dips his hands into a large bowl of Dannon's (plain) and smears it about the face and shoulders of another practitioner, thus achieving oneness--or, tops, twoness. Drawback: This technique leaves people moldy.

• Primal Sneeze Therapy. Yet another helpful idea gone awry. Devotees of this system are urged to sneeze freely in hopes of eliciting the one, final explosion that will unleash all of their frustrations. In its ultimate phase, the program requires that a person take a pinch of ground Mexican peppers, inhale smartly into the nasal passages and stand back. Drawback: While the technique has been proved effective in the short run, repeated participation eventually means the patient must withdraw from therapy, as he has no nose.

These past failures must not blind us to techniques that really do work, that can effectively bring us into harmony with ourselves and with others. Such a technique is the I'm OK--You're So-So life position. First, let us examine what we mean by "OK." All right. Next, let us examine the five possible life positions held with respect to ourselves and others:

1. I'm Not OK--You're OK. This is the universal position of early childhood, being the infant's logical conclusion that he is inferior and helpless, while everyone else is superior, self-confident and the kind of man who reads Gallery. If his life script does not change, this individual will go through life curtsying in the presence of others, since it is too painful to stand around OK people.

2. I'm Not OK--You're not OK. This is the condition of a person who started out in the I'm Not OK--You're OK life position, received no support or love and was often put to the rack by his parents. He concludes that he is worthless and that everyone else is, too, and so develops an intense hostility to his fellow men. This is the kind of individual who should not, for example, be given a position in an underground missile silo.

3. I'm OK--I'm OK. This is an extremely rare condition that occurs only when an individual who is about to describe his life position suddenly gets the hiccups.

4. I'm OK--You're a Taxi. Another rare condition, limited to hotel doormen. When a guest says, "Call me a taxi, please," the doorman giggles and shrieks, "You're a taxi! You're a taxi!" This type of individual does not keep his life position for long.

5. I'm OK--You're So-So. This is the position wherein lies our hope for a well-adjusted life. It posits that while we have a strong certainly of our own worth and value as individuals, we're not so sure about the other guy. And in a time when we are confronted almost daily with people who demand instant relationships, total honesty and, frequently, our money, it is this technique that will give us peace of mind.

In order to make the I'm OK--You're So-So life position work for us, we must first realize that every human personality is made up of three separate components constantly battling for control: the Child, the Adult and the Snot. For was it not Dr. Eric Boise who stated in his seminal thesis, Transactional Analysis in Pseudopsychotherapy, that these three components were not "problematical and ethereal concepts like superego, ego and id ... but phenomenological realities"? Was it not also the good Dr. Boise who added, "I rarely comprehend a word I say"?

It is the Child in our personality that leads us into transactions feeling that we are not OK and everyone else is. The Child is a state into which we may be transferred at almost any time; it is the state in which we demand reassurance, in which we are provoked to childlike anger and self-assertion, in which we use our ka-ka to write on the walls.

It is the Adult component that allows us to enter transactions feeling that we are OK and that the person or persons we're dealing with are also OK. It is the state in which we attain some measure of wisdom and understanding, feel at peace with ourselves, relate to others with a minimum of friction and can buy booze legally.

The optimum state to develop, the component we need to bring into a controlling position, is the Snot. It is the Snot that helps us realize that we are constantly confronted with people who are clearly inferior to us. Where the rational Adult can see only the good and the bad points in another person, the Snot perceives a vast sea of mediocrity. It is the Snot that protects us from aging hippies who "want to get into our head," from encounter groupies who want to "touch" us, for God's sake, from girlfriends who want us to be "completely open" with them. The Snot in us cultivates disdain. It harbors suspicions avidly, snickering often. It makes the a priori assumption that other people will invariably turn out to be cretins.

To illustrate, let us take an everyday example. You're a father, and two-year-old Johnny has taken his yacht beyond the three-mile limit while you lie on the beach. Raquel Welch, who is aboard the yacht (she is married to Johnny), pushes the little tot overboard. Johnny cannot swim, being two years old. A stranger just down the beach from you sees what has happened and swims rapidly out to him. After a grueling swim back, the stranger comes running out of the water to where you still lie. He looms over you, panting, little Johnny in his arms, and stammers, "The kid's OK. I got him in time."

If the Child in you is in control of your personality at that moment, you will say:

"My God! How will I ever thank you? And believe me, that Johnny's going to get the spanking of his life!"

The figure above shows that in this transaction the stranger's Adult has spoken to your Adult, but it is your Child that has responded.

Now, in a situation where your Adult happens to be in control, your response is likely to be:

"My God! How can I ever thank you? Here, let's warm him up."

The figure above shows that in this transaction the stranger's Adult has spoken to your Adult, and your Adult has responded.

But if, in that situation, your Snot were in control, you would most likely say:

"First time out without an inner tube, lard-ass?"

The figure above shows that the stranger's Adult has spoken to your Adult, but that your Snot has responded and that Staubach fakes a hand-off and drops back into the pocket just in time to be trampled by Butkus.

In conclusion, we can see that inner peace is, indeed, attainable. Adopting a life position of alert, indifferent haughtiness can bring a person to the brink of self-realization. Treating people in the correct manner--as peasants and menials--will complete the journey to full mental health. It means bringing one's Snot component up to its highest potential, training one's mind to take note of such devastating ripostes as "Who cut the cheese?" and such unarguable logic as "Git yo' hands offa me, muhhfuhh!" Most people to whom you address these remarks will become nonplused and thereafter will leave you alone. And therein lies the road to inner tranquillity. For, as the great Freud himself put it, at the very outset of his Interpretation of Dreams:

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(Italics are mine.)