Is It Nice to Have Sex with a Brussels Sprout?

Adistressingly high percentage of concerned and intelligent young men may be seen these days wandering the streets in a disheveled manner, eyes wild and darting, seeking the answer to a difficult and profound question, viz.: "Why am I so horny all the time?" In response to this and related queries, and in direct consequence of today's breezy climate of sexual enlightenment, we herewith publish the latest and most comprehensive example in the current trend of self-analysis through print: the Wurst-Besser Complete and Inclusive Sexual Maladjustment Test, named after two of the most respected toilers in the field of sexual theory. Dr. Tesman Wurst is professor of secretions at the University of Vienna and holds the degree of D.T. (doctor of tumescence) at that institution, earned through his brilliant work in kissing and tickling. Dr. Anna Besser is most widely known for having developed the Remedial Fondling Program now used by many therapists; in addition, she has a limited practice in New York and once shared a cab with Wilhelm Reich. Working together, Drs. Wurst and Besser arrived at their startling insights into human sexual practices utilizing the simple yet bold technique of observing actual couples during the act of intercourse, often through terrestrial telescopes. This test is based on their assumption (now generally accepted) that we are all quite ill and that our happiness depends upon the extent of the illness and our adjustment to it. Whether you're a social ninny, a narcissist, a neurotic or merely a garden-variety necrophiliac, the following questionnaire, compiled by a team of dedicated researchers, all wearing lab coats, will help you determine how sexually maladjusted you really are. Answer all the questions, selecting whichever answer most closely approximates your honest response. At the end of the test you'll find a discussion, scoring and explanatory section. Start now; do not cheat or rub out your answers.

Part 1. Sexual Attitudes--Formative

Professor Vilmos "Happy" Wedekind, a pioneer in the field of child molestation, has stated that "So soon do we as children consider sex, as therefore is it so extremely early in the tiny mind, that it is for many to deal with, some difficulty" (translation by Helga Wedekind). Few psychiatrists can argue with this, and the first part of the quiz will reveal the sources of your sexual temperament.

1. Where do babies come from?

A. Puerto Rico.

B. The doctor brings them in a little black bag.

C. When a man and a woman wish to express a mature, abiding love for each other, they go out and rent a baby.

D. No opinion.

2. Babies are:

A. Punishment; a visitation from God, like the Plague of Toads.

B. Cuddly-wuddly little numkins.

C. The random result of spermatozoic implantation of various ova.

D. Of no interest until they can kick in for part of the rent.

3. As a child, did you have any siblings?

A. None.

B. One.

C. Two.

D. Three or more.

4. Were you pleased with that situation?

A. Yes.

B. No.

C. Confused.

5. Did you play with your sibling?

A. A lot.

B. Occasionally.

C. Rarely.

(continued overleaf)

6. What is a sibling?

A. A male member.

B. A family member.

C. Present indicative of the verb to sibble.

D. Like a spider, only with more legs.

7. How many pleasant memories do you retain from your childhood?

A. One.

B. Two.

C. Buckle my.

D. Shoe.

8. Until the age of seven (what Wedekind calls "those wonderful, sick years"), did your parents require you to masturbate?

A. Occasionally.

B. Rarely.

C. Only when I couldn't get regular, normal sex.

9. After the age of seven, how frequently did you masturbate?

A. Daily.

B. Hourly.

C. Never stopped.

10. During puberty, did you examine your developing body, including genitalia?

A. Yes.

B. No.

11. If yes, indicate what you used:

A. Eyes and hands.

B. Dental mirror.

C. Sniperscope.

D. Calipers.

E. Tracing paper and charcoal.

12. As an adolescent, did you ever make a brass rubbing of the privates of a close friend?

A. Never.

B. Sometimes.

C. Frequently.

13. Masturbation:

A. Makes you blind.

B. Makes you nearsighted only if you don't quit early enough.

C. Causes pornography.

D. Is illegal in several Northern states and Canada.

E. Is encouraged in several Southern states and Mexico.

14. Are you using this questionnaire to masturbate with?

A. Huh?

B. No, no--see? Both my hands are on the desk.

C. Have a headache.

Part 2. Sexual Attitudes--Adult

This section is designed to determine your mature sexual attitudes, if any, and reveal any abnormalities or obsessions. Do not look at the paper of the person sitting next to you. Answer quickly.

15. What is the silliest part of the male anatomy?

A. Hand.

B. Nose.

C. Gland of Cowper.

D. Sex organ.

E. Upper lip.

16. How long should the male organ be?

A. At least four inches.

B. At least five inches.

C. At least six inches.

D. At least seven inches.

17. What is the capital of Bolivia?

A. Bolivia.

B. Lima.

C. Sucre.

D. At least nine inches.

18. The best lubricant for sex is:

A. Your own saliva.

B. The saliva of a bystander.

C. The poems of Rod McKuen.

D. The Lawrence Welk recording of Bubbles in the Wine.

19. The missionary position is:

A. Man on top.

B. Woman on top.

C. Both on top, missionary underneath.

D. Praying during intercourse.

20. Coitus interruptus refers to that part of the Catholic Mass that occurs after the response.

A. True.

B. False.

21. During normal sex, you usually climax:

A. First.

B. Second.

C. Third.

D. Fourth or other.

22. During sex, you and your partner reach orgasm:

A. Always, and simultaneously.

B. Never, but simultaneously.

C. Simultaneously. but in different cities.

D. Orgasm? I never lose control.

23. Directly after making love, you usually like to:

A. Have an orgasm.

B. Have a complete and thorough physical examination, including X rays, liver-function tests and blood count.

C. Smoke a large pipe.

D. Eat a banana-and-peanut-butter sandwich.

E. Introduce yourself.

24. At the moment of climax, you often:

A. Scream, "Into the boxcars, all of you!"

B. Visualize a surgical glove stuffed with lentils.

C. Become rigid and clammy, like a dead carp.

D. Exclaim, "O rapture! O sublime ... such exceeding lubricity; I spend ... I die!"

25. The correct number of breasts for a woman is:

A. One.

B. Two.

C. Three.

D. Any even number.

26. The most unusual place you have ever had intercourse is:

A. In the lavatory of a 747, 30,000 feet above the Andes.

B. In an inner tube at Lake Placid.

C. In an inner tube, 30,000 feet above the Andes.

D. On the afikomen, or ceremonial Passover matzoh.

27. (To be answered by heterosexuals only.)

1. If you were a homosexual (and don't be so sure, stud; nobody's 100 percent anything), your idea of an evening's fun would be to:

A. Go to the park and roll heterosexuals.

B. Design tacky pants suits for suburban matrons.

C. Mince around with your hands on your hips, saying "Dearie."

D. Take a weekend pack trip across John Wayne.

(To be answered by homosexuals only.)

2. If you were a heterosexual (and you probably are; just look deep within yourself), your idea of an evening's fun would be to:

A. Go to the park and roll heterosexuals.

B. Bomb the hell out of Cambodia, just to teach them a lesson.

C. Go to a locker room and compare talcum powder with the fellows.

D. Trade punches with an elderly lady.

28.(Answer quickly and honestly.)

1. Yellow-check trousers with pleats are "all reet!"

A. True.

B. False.

2. Sen Sen is sure-fire with the ladies.

A. True.

B. False.

3. Spooning on the first date is OK, but only up to "first base."

A. True.

B. False.

4. Any freak scene with more than two chicks can get heavy unless one of them swings both ways.

A. True.

B. False.

Part 3. Fantasy Life--

Waking Fantasies

Recent studies prove that over 96 percent of all automobile accidents involve daydreaming drivers engaged in reveries of sensational sex with a Swedish dental assistant named Kristin. The power of these waking fantasies, or, as the Swiss call them, daydreams, is so great that the normal senses are overpowered and the hapless motorist doesn't see or hear that semitrailer barreling toward him. The result is often a late appointment, embarrassment or death. Answer the following to reveal important aspects of your fantasy life.

29. Have you ever thought about kissing a horse? Be honest.

A. Yes.

B. No.

(continued on page 262)Sex with a brussels sprout?(continued from page 120)

C. Need more information about the horse.

30. Any other beast? If yes, indicate which:

A. Pig.

B. Hairy-nosed wombat.

C. Parrot.

D. Wolf.

E. Other.

31. In this fantasy, who makes the first move?

A. I do.

B. The animal acts in seductive manner.

C. Introduced by mutual acquaintance.

32. How often have you fantasized being romantically involved with a vegetable, such as corn or Brussels sprouts?

A. Once a month.

B. Once a week.

C. Never.

33. In these fantasies, is French dressing involved, or some form of hollandaise?

A. Once a week.

B. Twice a week.

C. Never.

34. Do you ever think it would be nice to be baked into a large pie for the king's supper?

A. Once a week.

B. Twice a week.

C. Thrice a week.

D. Nought.

35. Do you ever wish that someone would dominate you and force you to caress a veal chop?

A. Yes.

B. Never.

36. How many rubber raincoats do you own?

A. None.

B. One.

C. Two.

D. Three.

E. Four or more.

37. Have you wondered if the astronauts ever abuse themselves while in space just to trace the trajectory under weightless conditions?

A. Sometimes.

B. Always.

C. I just know they do.

38. You can make people do whatever you want just by wishing it.

A. True.

B. False.

(This question does not apply to any political figures above Cabinet level.)

39. While en route to a Danish hospital for a delicate prostate operation, your plane crashes and, as the only survivor, you are stranded for six months on a desert island off New Guinea, with no companionship and no nourishment save fronds and roots. One evening, your campfire attracts a plump young cassowary bird (large, flightless). You immediately:

A. Tie it up and take its temperature.

B. Kill it for food, but in an unusual way.

C. Ignore it, what do you need with a cassowary, you already have enough problems.

40. The ancient legend of Oedipus, who killed his father and slept with his mother, gives us the name for a classic neurosis. To see if you suffer from the Oedipus complex, answer the following:

A. Do you harbor any desire to sleep with Oedipus' mother?

B. All right, then--do you know her socially or have you ever heard of her?

C. Then what were you doing mooning around Agamemnon's house last week, wearing a falsenose-and-sandals set?

Part4. Fantasy life--dreams

Dreams, as Freud said, are "the royal road to the unconscious; if not, why am I wasting my time?" Once we understand the unconscious, it is only a short trip to brooding, depression, despondency, suicide and the discovery that the car has been towed away. These questions will give a profile of your dream activity.

41. Do you ever dream you are an insect?

A. Yes.

B. No.

42. A flower?

A. Yes.

B. No.

43. A mineral?

A. Yes.

B. No.

44. If yes to 43, indicate which:

A. Lignite.

B. Stibnite.

C. Quartz.

D. Other.

45. Do you ever dream you are a man named Esterhàzy?

A. Yes, but my name is Esterhàzy.

B. Never.

C. Rarely.

46. Do you ever have a dream in which you are specifically not a man named Esterhàzy; that is, you walk around explaining, "I am not Esterhàzy. Esterhàzy is shorter and has a mustache. Repeat, I am not Esterhàzy."?

A. Always.

B. Sometimes.

C. Never.

47. Do you have dreams in which you can fly?

A. Always.

B. Sometimes.

C. Never.

48. In these dreams, are you equipped with proper radar and ground-control equipment, as required by the FAA?

A. Yes.

B. No.

49. Are there drinks and a movie on board or just magazines?

A. Drinks and a movie.

B. Magazines.

50. Have you ever had a mid-air collision with another neurotic who was also having a flying dream?

A. Yes.

B. No.

How did you score?

Now that you have completed the questionnaire, you can put down your pencil and read on for a discussion of the sections of the test and what they mean.

Part 1. sexual attitudes--formative

This section deals with two important formative features of childhood: the curiosity of the child as to its own origins and the disgusting habit of certain children who sniff and poke around their bodies, when they might better be occupied memorizing the Scriptures. There are no "correct" or "incorrect" answers to any of the 14 questions in this part, except question 3: "As a child, did you have any siblings?" The correct answer to this is B--one sibling. If you answered A--no siblings--go back and rethink your childhood. Weren't there some other short people hanging around while you were growing up? Those short people just might have been brothers or sisters or, rarely, midgets, if your mother kept a very loose house. If you answered C or D--two, three or more siblings--the chances are you are embellishing in an attempt to ward off feelings of sibling inadequacy. Questions 10 and 11 should have caused you to break out into a cold sweat, as they deal with the enormous guilt feelings that are the legacy of all children brought into the world since the Reformation (1517). Masturbation (questions 8, 13, 14) has been variously called "the Devil's handiwork," "a shocking waste" and "the shepherd's salvation." In contrast with these extreme views is the enlightened attitude of sex educator Dr. Fleming Twit, Erogenous Fellow at Oxford, who describes masturbation as "on the whole, more fun than getting it caught in a cornhusker."

Part 2. sexual attitudes--adult

Many sex problems find their origins in the subject of this part of the questionnaire, especially questions 15, 16 and 17. In order to fully understand the role of the male organ in intercourse, a radical new technique was devised by Drs. Wurst and Besser, involving the design of artificial coital equipment. A plastic penis was developed, incorporating cold-light illumination with filmic/thermal/pH-factor observation and recording capabilities, and a variable rate of thrust-and-depth penetration, voluntarily controlled by the female subject. The entire device was electrically powered. Unfortunately, before it could be properly integrated into the program, Dr. Besser took it home and thereafter claimed that she "must have lost it." However, it was observed that several times a week, eight before midnight, the streetlights outside her house would dim for about 20 minutes. Questions 15, 16 and 17 will reveal your attitude toward that all-important feature of the male anatomy known as the "you know what." Anxiety about the size of the male organ has existed for over two millennia (before that, there were no male or female organs and reproduction was accomplished by an exchange of postcards); primitive sculpture deals extensively with the genitalia, and phallus worship is still a major feature of some contemporary cultures, particularly those of the New Hebrides Islands and 42nd Street between Broadway and Eighth Avenue in New York City. Many intelligent, well-educated males are morbidly concerned with their organ size, despite the fact that for years, sexologists have emphasized that the size of the male organ has no relation whatsoever to the satisfaction of either partner. It is now time to explode this dangerous myth, obviously circulated by Ph.D.s with smaller-than-average organs. Let's face it: The larger the better. Everyone secretly knows it; now let's say it out loud. Not only sexual satisfaction but success in an enormous variety of other endeavors--acceptance into the Friars' Club, credibility in business, the respect of world leaders--all depend upon having an organ of the largest possible size. If you are depressed about this part of the test, remember than a passable sexual encounter can be achieved with a penis of six inches or two penes of three inches each. If you are still depressed, measure your organ and convert the result to centimeters; seven and a half sounds a lot better than three. "Sexual Savvy" (SS)--questions 18-26--is a phrase used by Janos Barbarian, M.D., in his classic manual, Fear Without Love, to described the degree of sophistication of a sexual partner. If you didn't know the answers to these questions immediately, you lack SS and, on the scale of subtlety and sophistication, fall somewhere between a wounded water buffalo and Louis Prima's act. Question 21 touches upon an often sensitive area. If you tend to climax before your mate (for instance, during dinner or the movie), you are hypertense and must learn control. Fortunately, there has been some research into this problem and help is readily available, either through therapy or at your local druggist's. Sharp & Dohme, the pharmaceutical house, manufactures a large hard-rubber mallet of the type used at carnival strength-testing machines, which, if applied to the offending region directly before orgasm, produces startling results. However, the best way to detain climax as long as possible is to start having sex as late as possible. That is, if you'd like to climax at 11:30 p.m., it hardly makes sense to start messing around during Sesame Street, does it? Sometimes it pays to sit down calmly and think things out. Question 27 will determine any latent homoor heterosexuality in your personality. If you giggled during this question, start working out or taking more showers. Question 28 deals with the differences in style and approach between age and social groups. If you answered True to the first three in this set, the odds are you haven't been out of your room since the Harding Administration and have some catching up to do.

Part 3. Fantasy Life--Waking Fantasies

Our daydreams can take many forms, from musing over the lovely shape of the office receptionist to believing we are Frederick, fifth Duke of Saxony, and wearing a funny hat. Questions 29-36 will reveal any lurking animal, food or clothing fetishes. Questions 37-40 were included at the insistence of Dr. Wurst, who wishes to compare a sample reaction with his own experience and views. If you answered positively to any of these questions, you are imaginative, creative, spontaneous and possess an enviable stock portfolio containing a prudent mixture of blue chips and municipals, plus a few glamor issues that will soon reap lucrative short-term gains. If you tended to answer negatively, you find the real world confusing and disappointing. You are jumpy, introverted, suspicious, change your blade after each shave and are defensive about Watergate. We do not especially want you as a subscriber to this magazine.

Part 4. Fantasy Life--Dreams

In examining the writings of Freud, we must always bear in mind that although he was one of the supreme geniuses of Western thought, he did have an unreasonable fear of crouching and wore a clip-on beard. Perhaps dreams are significant, perhaps not. As Jung expressed it: "Dreams, shmeams. What about the fee?" Dreams of being someone or something other than what we are (questions 41-46) indicate some dissatisfaction with the reality experience. If you ever dream you are the mineral antimony (questions 43 and 44), you might have a bright future in the manufacture of paint pigments, matches or fireworks. The Esterházy syndrome (questions 45 and 46) was first observed by Adler, who reported it to his colleagues in the European Journal of Orthopsychiatry (June 1932), and they all had a good laugh over it. Flying dreams (questions 47-50) reveal a desire to return to the safety of the womb or to the period of infantile omnipotence and pleasurable sexuality associated with the child-mother experience; or they indicate a sincere desire of the dreamer to be Captain Marvel. Dreams offer respite from the painful realities of the world and allow us an escape into a world of our own design. If you have dreams in which you are dissatisfied and disappointed, just as in real life, well, that is a very bad break.

• • •

To compute your score: Look over the entire test and your answers. Then throw your answers away. Now, on a scale of 100, give yourself what you think you deserve. After all, 95 percent of all successful sex is confidence. We hope you gave yourself at least a 65. That would mean you are a mass of contradictions, guilts and neuroses. In other words, you are perfectly normal.