Fifteen Awful Martini Jokes and One Great Martini

While sitting at his favorite bar one afternoon, the gentleman was particularly struck by the odd behavior of a man three stools down. As fast as the bartender could serve him, he was tossing down martinis in one gulp. Shocked at such ill treatment of a fine drink, the gentleman moved over to him and asked, "Is that any way to drink good martinis?"

"It's the only way I've been able to drink them since my accident," the man answered, draining two more in fast order.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the gentleman. "What sort of accident was it?"

"It was a terrible thing," replied the man. "I knocked one over with my elbow."

• • •

One day a llama walked into a fancy bar in midtown Manhattan and ordered a dry martini, straight up. The bartender had never seen a llama outside of a zoo before, but he served in anyway, without saying a word.

The llama leaned against the bar, sipping quietly at his drink, and then, after a few minutes, ordered another. When the bartender brought the refill, the llama asked, "How much?"

"That'll be five dollars," he answered.

As the llama downed his second drink, the bartender remarked, "I don't think I've ever seen a llama in here before."

"No," said the llama, "and at these prices, you probably never will again."

• • •

The young man was desperate to prove his affections to his girl that night. He drew her close and whispered, "I've loved you more than you'll ever know."

"So I was right!" she exploded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me Saturday night after I had those five martinis!"

• • •

"I've just invented a cotton gin," Eli Whitney announced proudly as he came out of his workshop.

"So what?" grumbled his wife. "Who needs a fluffy martini?"

• • •

A couple of pals were sitting in their usual cocktail lounge, happily on the road to oblivion. "I think I'll have a bite to eat," observed the first, philosophically. With great care, he plucked the olive from his martini and ate it.

"Ah," beamed his sozzled buddy, "that calls for an after-dinner drink!"

• • •

A stunning girl in skintight Levis was walking down the street when a curious young-executive type approached her and said, "Excuse me, but I can't help asking--how in the world does anyone get into those pants?"

"Well," she answered, looking him over, "you can start by buying me a martini."

• • •

For hours, the man had kept ordering martini after martini at the bar. As each arrived, he took out the olive and put it in a small jar before starting in on the drink.

"The guy's crazy," said another customer to the bartender. "Really weird."

(concluded on page 167)Awful Martini Jokes(continued from page 95)

"I don't know about that," replied the bartender. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

• • •

The connoisseur sat down at the bar and ordered a martini. "Very dry," he insisted. "Twenty parts gin and one part vermouth."

"All right, sir," said the bartender. "Shall I twist a bit of lemon peel over it?"

"My good man, when I want lemonade, I'll ask for it."

• • •

The middle-aged couple had treated themselves to a rare third martini before dinner at home. The woman snuggled up affectionately to her husband. "Do you remember what we did on our honeymoon?" she asked coyly.

"Sure," answered the man.

"Let's do it again, dear--right now!"

"What--drive to Topeka?"

• • •

Two martini-oriented strangers struck up a friendly conversation in a bar and the subject got around to sex. "Say," said the first, smirking, "have you ever gotten so drunk on martinis that you kissed a woman on the navel?"

"Drunker," replied the second.

• • •

A Northerner stopped at a roadside restaurant in the Deep South and ordered a predinner martini. "You want the regular or the deluxe?" asked the waitress.

"What's the difference?" asked the Yankee.

"With the deluxe, instead of the olive, you get grits."

• • •

"How many martinis does it take to make you dizzy?" he asked.

"Three, as a rule," she answered, "and don't call me Dizzy!"

• • •

On his way into a cocktail lounge, the man couldn't help noticing a nun peering in the window. Being a compassionate liberal Catholic, he asked her if she'd like him to show her what it was like inside. At first she protested that she couldn't, but at his urging, she finally agreed.

When they were seated, a waitress handed the nun a drink list and asked, "Can I bring you something, Sister?"

"I think I'll have--let's see--I guess a mar-tiny," she answered.

The waitress smiled, took the man's order and went over to the bar. "One Scotch and water and one 'mar-tiny.'"

"A mar-tiny?!" exclaimed the bartender. "Is that nun back in here again?"

• • •

There's a popular new bar in New York that serves such dry martinis that its men's room is equipped with dustbins instead of urinals.

• • •

One morning when her husband was at the office, a suburban housewife was sitting at home doing her yoga exercises and watching Let's Make a Deal when she happened to look out a window--and saw a gorilla climbing a tree in the back yard.

Not knowing what else to do, she got out the Yellow Pages and looked under "Gorilla Removal." Only one was listed, an Albert McDermott. She called and McDermott told her he was a bit busy at the moment but that he'd try to get out there later that afternoon.

Finally, he arrived in a pickup truck with the tools of his trade: a ladder, handcuffs, a shotgun and a ferocious trained dog. "Here's what we do," he told the house wife. "I climb the ladder into the tree and shake it. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the dog rushes up to him and grabs him by the--you'll excuse the expression--balls. That will immobilize him, and that's when you put the cuffs on. The dog is highly trained, and the instant the gorilla falls out of the tree--zap!"

So McDermott started to climb the ladder and was just about to shake the branch when the housewife shouted: "What about the shotgun? What's that for?"

"I almost forgot about that," said McDermott. "It sometimes happens that when I shake the branch the gorilla shakes back--and I fall to the ground. If that happens, take the shotgun and shoot the fucking dog!"

"That's wonderful," said the house wife. "Afterward, we can have a martini."

Six Parts Good Gin

One Part Dry Vermouth

The martini pitcher should first be one-quarter filled with cracked, not crushed, ice. Pour the gin--which may be chilled beforehand--over the ice. Add the vermouth. Stir with controlled vigor until the pitcher is quite cold to the touch. Strain the martinis immediately into frosted three-ounce cocktail glasses. Purists prefer them this way, sans fruit or vegetables. The semiorthodox add a twist of lemon, while the legions of hopelessly fallen swear by an olive or two. For the Perfect Dry Martini on the rocks, serve in an old fashioned glass filled with ice cubes. Deluxe option: Add two drops of Scotch to each drink.