Diary of a Customs Inspector

does this group have anything to declare--that is, aside from the grass in the bra, the skinned monkey, the 141 mangoes and the deceased's ashes?

Frank Jacobs wrote this piece with Peter Pitkin (a pseudonym), who spent three summers as a customs inspector at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

June 30, 1971: I work in a fish bowl populated by mental midgets. Friends and relatives waiting upstairs try to catch the attention of arriving passengers by pounding on the glass of the observation deck. The arrivals hunch over and stare in the direction of the outburst like people waiting for a storm to break. If they spot someone, they start yelling or gesturing in sign language when they realize they can't be heard. I slow up the noisemakers with a secondary (a complete search of all luggage). It's unfair, perhaps unprofessional, but it's the only way I can get back at the idiots who make J.F.K. the hardship post of U.S. Customs. I have developed a special antipathy toward performers of the "exhibition dance"--the people in line who scream and point out what they've brought back for the folks at home and then say that they have nothing to declare when they get to me.

July 3: A Pan Am pilot told me some great stories while I checked his bags. It seems that a BOAC and a Lufthansa plane were coming in with their radios on the same frequency. The Lufthansa pilot told ground control that his head count was short by two passengers. The BOAC pilot cut in and suggested that the German plane check its ovens. The Lufthansa pilot was not amused and has lodged a complaint with the Federal Aviation Administration.

July 4: Conversation with a passenger:

Inspector: Where have you been, sir?

Passenger: The Dominican Republic.

Inspector: How long were you away?

Passenger: Twenty-four hours.

Inspector: Was it a business or a pleasure trip?

Passenger: I don't know. I got a divorce.

July 7: A man and wife with three kids came off a TWA flight. I noticed that the wife had both hands under her raincoat, so I asked to see her watch. It was a solid-gold Omega with an 18-kt.-gold band. She said she had it about two years and that she wore it only on trips. I examined it with my loupe and saw a European goldmark. I also failed to detect any scratches that would have indicated wear. The man refused to answer where he got the watch but, instead, asked how much I thought he could bring in duty-free with a family of five.

I called a staff officer--we beltmen call them whenever there's an especially pesky problem--and he informed the man of the affidavit he would have to sign. Finally, the man admitted he'd bought the watch in Europe. But he had a flight to Pittsburgh to catch and he was going to leave the watch. The wife then started crying, begging, demanding the return of the watch. We informed her that the watch could be seized by the U. S. Government. The man took his suitcase and walked away, but not before berating us for letting marijuana, drugs and gangsters into the country while picking on him, a taxpaying U. S. citizen.

I really believe he was prepared to abandon the watch and his wife and go to Pittsburgh. He was in a rage and she was hysterical. The only one who kept his cool was their oldest kid, about 14, who ended the mess by reaching into his pocket and paying the $3.90 duty.

July 8: "Duty-free." People don't realize that this means an item is free of duty when exiting the country of purchase for use outside that country. It is not duty-free coming into the U. S. This is especially true with liquor. People are told in some European duty-free shops that they can bring in two quarts; generally they are allowed only one quart and must pay duty on the second. Many travelers can't believe that foreign merchants would deceive them. My response is to ask if they intend to go back and argue the point.

Or take antiques. (Antiques are free of duty if produced 100 years prior to their date of entry. Proof or evidence of antiquity must be furnished.) Most people rely on the dealer's word and fail to get certifying papers. But then, most people don't know a real antique from a phony.

A man asked if he had to pay duty on two antique medallions. I asked him for documentation. He said he didn't need documents, since both medallions were dated 400 B.C. I asked him how the people who struck the medallions knew it was B.C. He looked shocked, then sheepish, then asked me if he had been taken. Since the rules of procedure stress courtesy to the passenger, I invited him to draw his own conclusions.

July 9: There's a "smuggling type" that you get to know. Don't ask me to tell you what that type is. You just feel it. I search some people if they have a high declaration or show extreme nervousness; others I search if it is a slow day or the woman is good-looking. I generally do a secondary on a person with a dutiable declaration or one who has goods he didn't declare in his hand luggage. Invariably, when you do a secondary, everyone else in line opens his luggage, too.

July 13: When people throw their luggage open prior to talking to me, I'm not sure whether they're being helpful or deceitful. You have to play it by ear.

July 14: The El Al passengers act like they've been briefed on what to say to us. Everyone has bought "only a few little things" and they all suffer temporary amnesia when you ask for prices. Through persistent questioning, you can get them to raise their declaration to over $100. I like to say that they have $1000 and start to write it out. By the time I get to the second zero, they're usually shook up enough to give you a truthful figure.

It bugs me working the belt and having someone come up and say, as the sweat is pouring off, "Are you open?"

July 21: I examined a camera belonging to a Brooklyn College boy. He was waiting his turn and making anti--New York cracks. I therefore decided that he was going to get a secondary. He had a $22 declaration but maintained that his Nikon FTN with a 55mm f/3.5 lens was purchased on the Lower East Side six months ago. My gut instinct was that the camera was new, so I decided to search for receipts in his luggage. After learning of the penalties involved in signing a false affidavit, he said he was still willing to sign one. In his three bags he had maps, tour guides, booklets from everywhere he'd been. He also had the M2 adapter ring in the plastic case, as well as all the booklets that come with a new Nikon. But I couldn't find any receipts. I called in a staff officer, but the kid still stuck by his original story. Then the staff officer picked up the camera manual and the receipts fell out.

The kid said he didn't have the money to pay the normal duty, so he was going to try to smuggle the stuff in. The penalty was three times the duty, so the camera wound up costing him as much as it would have if he'd bought it here.

July 22: People don't like relinquishing their place in line. In one of the lines, a woman collapsed while going through. The people behind her stayed where they were. They wouldn't move to another line until the inspector gave the thumbs-down signal, meaning that the woman was dead.

July 23: Checked through a crew of Norwegian merchant seamen on their way to join a freighter in Portland, Maine. The radio officer was a good-looking blonde and she told me that many of the radio officers on Norwegian vessels are women. I wonder if this helps the Norwegian merchant marine with its recruiting.

July 26: A woman coming in from Israel had a Yemen dress that she claimed she had owned for five years. Said she had brought it from Israel to the U. S., never worn it, taken it back to Israel, never worn it there, tried to give it away and was unsuccessful, and now was bringing it back to the U. S. The story was so impossible that I believed her.

July 29: Many South Americans come to the U. S. with empty suitcases. It seems as though they do their shopping here.

The toughest staff officers--those who dig the deepest for concealments--rarely get advanced. They step on too many toes.

August 4: A kid said he had an unusual item and pulled a German World War Two antipersonnel bomb out of a sock. It looked live. A woman behind him asked what would happen if it went off. The inspector told her it could kill everyone in the vicinity. The woman asked if she would lose her place in line if she left. She was told she would. The woman decided that she preferred to keep her place in line. A staff officer checked the bomb and said it was defused and harmless.

August 6: People keep on telling me they're getting discounts on Omega watches and show me the bills with the discounts on them. But my catalogs show they've paid list.

August 7: A charter TWA flight from Cairo. Chiselers all. Couldn't make them understand that gifts received overseas must be declared even if used as personal (continued on page 166)Customs Inspector(continued from page 130) effects. The smell of their mangoes (confiscated) was particularly sickeningly sweet.

Encountered a young lady whose residency was in question. She had a U. S. passport but claimed British residency. Her parents lived in Syracuse; she said she lived in Britain. The argument was settled by her use of the word bloody.

August 8: People in Europe think that Americans are starving. How else can you explain the amount of food brought into the U. S.? I had a lady with two dead fish in her pockets. Delicacies, she called them.

August 12: I spoiled a wife's surprise for her husband. I was on a pocketbook kick and found a pair of undeclared gold cuff links in her purse. Her husband told her to declare them. I felt terrible when I found out they were supposed to be a surprise gift for his birthday. I waved them through and wished him a happy birthday. What else could I do?

Pan Am 185 ("The African Queen" out of Lagos) is like a regent's exam for Plant Quarantine. Beetles, roaches, African snails, even rodents (some as pets). There's never any problem about roaches, no matter where they come from, since the U. S. is already infested with every species.

August 13: A Friday and the passenger count is way down. Could there be any relationship between the count and the date?

We always check Avianca 50 closely, because it is a junk flight. A merchant seaman had a solid-gold Rolex. Subsequent examination produced additional gold jewelry, all of which he had bills for. But the bills were low and the inspector thought them phony. A personal search produced $7600 in cash, over $2000 in traveler's checks and three bankbooks with large transactions. One of our Spanish-speaking nurses questioned him about some drug prescriptions and caught him lying. Staff wanted to wash their hands of him. It was even suggested that he might be legit. The inspector doubted this, based on the man's extreme nervousness and evasiveness. A check of the suspect file revealed nothing. There were no legal grounds on which to hold him. We let him go but took down his bank-account numbers, which will be turned over to Internal Revenue.

August 19: A little old lady and her obnoxious teenage grandson. The kid asked for a complete inspection in order to show the Dutch police who were tailing them that they weren't smugglers. I told him that I didn't think the Dutch police would want to spend the money to have a man tail them. After examination proved negative, the kid went to the KLM ground people and demanded seats on the next flight out. The flight was full and the kid was incensed. Then Customs security took them both away.

Seems as though the little old lady and the kid fly to Amsterdam (first-class), wait in the airport, fly back to New York, then fly back to Amsterdam, etc. They've spent $36,000 on tickets since July 19. The kid knows all the KLM pilots by their first names and observes all take-offs and landings from the cockpit (one of the privileges of $36,000). The little old lady had $12,000 in traveler's checks and a bankbook with $56,000. Said she had saved up all her life and just wanted to fly. It turns out they are being tailed by the Dutch police.

August 20: There was a grass seizure on a girl tonight. The grass was on the body and sewn into the bust of a corset strapped to the stomach and tied to the back. She was padded like an umpire. We suspected her because of the two-tone skin color of her bust. Part was tanned and part wasn't. The corset pushed more out of her dress than looked normal.

Had a girl with earrings made of polished lava, like my own Vesuvius cuff links. When she gave me her oral declaration, I asked her if she had anything further to declare besides the earrings she had gotten in the souvenir shop on the slopes of Mount Vesuvius. She gasped, "They know! They really know!" I collected duty from her and her friend.

I lost my second pen in a week.

August 21: South Americans, especially Colombians, get extremely thorough searches for narcotics. It even goes to the point of probing cans of food for false bottoms.

A Santo Domingo student had no clothes with him--just a suitcase full of bread and fried flying fish, chicken and beef. It's messy handling food like this, so you try to do the food first and then the clothes. But you still wind up having to wash your hands several times a shift. When the woman behind the student saw my greasy hands, she told me to wash them. She was right. I did.

The kid who was making all those KLM flights with his grandmother was seen getting off an El Al flight.

August 24: Trying to wear new clothes through Customs is kind of stupid, as new goods generally stand out like a sore thumb. There's also the lint test, in which you can determine if clothing's been used by the amount of lint in the pockets and cuffs. Today it paid off with a man's sports coat, fresh from London. This was followed by his wife and her size-46 pants suit. She claimed it was bought here, but she was no size 46 American. After I found the fourth undeclared item, he said, "I know it looks like I'm smuggling, but I'm really not."

August 27: Two kids with wearing apparel and gold jewelry. The loupe broke them on the jewelry and the lint test and lack of union label got them on the clothing. The fellow said he'd been told by his friends that it was easy to beat Customs. I asked him how many people he knew who'd admit being caught by Customs.

August 29: As I examine baggage, I'll suddenly look up and ask, "Where are the narcotics you're smuggling?" Most people just titter, but this offbeat question worked last year and someone made a grass seizure.

September 2: I read in the paper that the grandmother who made all those Dutch flights had a heart attack in the Amsterdam airport and died. She was from Cleveland and had taken her grandson out of school last spring in order to hide him from his father, whom she couldn't tolerate. The newspaper story said she'd spent $140,000, all on first-class tickets between New York and Amsterdam.

September 3: An Italian tried to pass me five dollars before I inspected his baggage. To cover myself, I sent him to another line. You really can't call this a bribe, as this is a common practice in Europe. As it was, his bags were clean.

Another pen walked away from me.

September 8: People who have been caught once before are generally super-honest and willing to tell all so they don't have to go through the interrogation again.

September 18: A couple returning from Denmark. I asked him if he was bringing back any books or magazines. He said he had a few. "What kind?" I asked. "None of your business," he replied. I opened his suitcase and found it filled with homosexual magazines. Evidently his wife was surprised, because she gave him the weirdest look in the world. I didn't confiscate the magazines, because they weren't really hard-core pornography. Also because I feel that explaining it all to his wife is going to be a lot worse than our taking the stuff away.

• • •

June 30, 1972: Farewell to the fish bowl. The International Arrivals Building has covered the glass of the observation deck with sheets of plastic. No more of those waiting relatives rapping on the glass and driving us nuts. I don't miss the noise, but I do miss being able to look up at people and guessing about them from their appearance. I also miss seeing the good-looking girls up there. As for the passengers, they don't like it. They look up, and suddenly the smiles disappear from their faces. They turn to me and say, "The windows are gone" or "I guess no one is meeting anybody" or "Is this J.F.K.?" Actually, it's for their own protection. Thieves and pickpockets no longer can look down and finger their next victim. And if a narcotics seizure is made, the confederates in the gallery don't have the opportunity to see the arrest and get away.

July 2: I always talk to the Americans who fly Aeroflot. Most of the time, the people say they went to Russia to visit relatives. But one man said he'd been going there since 1965 for medical care. He claimed the care there is better and cheaper than in the U. S.

A couple came back from a gambling junket to Freeport. They had split their funds and I asked them how they had done in the casinos. The wife wanted to answer, but the man glowered at her when she tried to speak. She called for a skycap, but he said he would carry the bags. I guessed aloud that she had won and that he had lost. He broke into a grin and said I was right. He didn't have enough money to tip the skycap.

July 11: We had an instant celebrity today. A summer temporary, second day on the job, found a false-bottom suitcase with 15 pounds of hash in it. Everyone wanted to know how he did it. Seems a girl came through his line claiming only $3.90 worth of purchases after a month in Spain. He didn't believe her and went looking.

July 15: I have seen about $15,000 worth of watches enter the United States this week without duty being collected. The staff officer did not want to make seizures. Customs is a civil-service job and some staff officers are afraid to stick their necks out with people bringing in high-rated duty items. A man getting a secondary just might have influence with the men in Washington who control Customs promotions.

Some staff members are drunk on duty and you might as well talk to a wall as ask one of them to help you with a problem. Some, of course, are excellent in their jobs, and you wonder how they ever got advanced.

July 18: A dying man sent his son to Poland to bring back some earth with him. The son returned with three pounds of Polish soil, which is not admissible under law. Therefore, a dispute arose between Plant Quarantine regulations and a dying man's wishes. In a compromise, the soil was sterilized.

July 20: A woman was searched today when an inspector noticed that her bust-line was composed of a series of angles and was otherwise distorted. Turns out the lady was flat-chested and had stuffed her bra with various items. At least she succeeded in drawing attention to herself.

July 22: We are having trouble with people who can speak English but claim they can't, in order to avoid a thorough examination. Especially troublesome are some of the returnees with Alien Registration cards from the Dominican Republic and Haiti. Among our methods of finding out if they really can speak English: One, tell them they are going to pay a $100-per-year penalty for every year they've been here and still can't speak English. Two, ask them, while Plant Quarantine is examining whatever foods they've brought in, "You mean people really eat this crap?" Then watch for a facial reaction.

People over 70 seem to receive a vicarious thrill when I go through their luggage. The idea that we might possibly consider them smugglers causes them to giggle.

July 24: When I asked a man if he had anything to declare, he said that he had an antique. I asked him where it was and he pointed to his wife. She was not amused.

A woman on a flight from Athens was heartbroken that a vase she had sent as baggage had been damaged. She had wrapped it carefully in a package marked fragile. I wonder why she thought that Greek baggage handlers could read English.

A man back from Belfast related that his mother's home had been under attack by both the British and the I.R.A. for four days. I asked him why he didn't bring his mother to the U. S. He said that life here is too hectic and would probably kill her.

July 25: The word has yet to reach Europe that we are not starving. So far this week, I've seen a skinned rabbit, a skinned monkey and an octopus. Only the octopus, which was pickled, got through.

July 28: I asked an American couple if they had any KH-3 (an alleged aphrodisiac), which is not allowed entry. The wife said she had some at home but that she had stopped using it because she felt no difference. The husband nodded his head in agreement.

Contraceptive devices are no longer considered items to be confiscated. As one inspector put it, "Fucking is now legal in the United States."

August 6: A woman returning from Israel brought back a chip from the Wailing Wall. I asked her why she took it. She said because it was holy. I asked her to think about what she'd done, what would happen if everyone took a piece of the wall. She said, "So what?"

August 9: An Italian couple. When the inspector found salami, the wife became rude. Her husband slapped her twice across the face, then apologized to the inspector. On the way out, the wife began to talk again. She was slapped twice again.

All those young girls who come back from Europe wearing no bras usually have one tucked away in a corner of their suitcase. I've the feeling they won't bounce into their homes the way they bounce into the airport.

August 14: A young lady approached my belt. As I reached for her declaration, she said, "Please be nice. It's my first time." I didn't disappoint her.

August 15: I thought I had a drug seizure. A girl brought in some drums from North Africa. They were clay with skin covering. One set of drums was unusually heavy, and because they were from North Africa, we figured a false bottom. The girl broke open the drums, but all we found was a very heavy clay bottom. I felt bad about damaging them, but how else could we have found out? The girl asked me what I was going to do after drugs became legal. I told her that we would most likely collect duty on them.

I haven't lost a pen this summer.

August 19: There's a story about an inspector who put his hand into a tote bag to remove what he thought was a salami. The thing was round and cold and began to wrap itself around the inspector's hand. It was a baby boa constrictor.

A doctor came through following a year's service in Nigeria. As payment, his patients had given him carvings, mats, bowls, etc. I asked him to place a value on them. "How can I?" he said. I passed him through and wished him good luck.

Checking for false bottoms, I asked a passenger returning from Portugal what was in the half-gallon plastic container he was carrying. He told me it was honey. I couldn't see through the plastic, so I cut into the bottom. Honey spilled out all over the place. I felt like a jerk.

August 25: Plant Quarantine seized two putrid-smelling, vile-looking objects that turned out to be sheep stomachs used in the manufacture of a kind of Italian cheese.

August 27: To be paid overtime, we are required to work at least one hour after our normal shift ends. Therefore, we sometimes deliberately and methodically search each passenger to make sure we get that hour in. This happened when a charter flight from Paradise Island arrived. Most of the passengers were black. As we went slowly, very slowly, through each passenger's luggage, a woman in line accused us of harassing the arrivals because they were black. At that moment, we finished our first overtime hour and began speeding everyone through. I remain convinced that the woman believes the speed-up was due to her complaint.

Heard that six pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage were seized because the couple didn't declare them. They had to stuff all their possessions into brown shopping bags. The highlight of the year will be someone's coming in with Louis Vuitton luggage tied up with rope.

An inspector found a sterling-silver vase in a woman's suitcase. He removed the stopper and found a grayish powder. "What's this?" he asked. "My husband," the woman said.

August 31: A Greek army officer en route to Washington on NATO orders showed me a statement to the effect that he'd passed an English-proficiency test and therefore had a comprehension level of 75 percent. I found this most interesting, since he didn't understand a word I said to him.

Working TWA, I examined a beautiful pearl-and-gold pendant. The man said he paid $35 for it. I offered him $50 on the spot. He declined the offer. I called over a staff officer, who said the pearls alone were worth $35. The man then "found" his bill, indicating the piece had cost him close to $100.

September 5: I felt as miserable as could be having to tell the El Al security men arriving that the Munich hostages were dead. Like everyone else, they'd heard they were safe. Many of the inspectors are making life difficult for passengers carrying Arab passports. We've no right to make or carry out foreign policy. And we know the passengers aren't responsible for what happened. But we feel we have to do something.

• • •

July 2, 1973: Another summer, another season of chasing mangoes and seizing salamis, another opportunity to be an actor. Yes, actor: How you ask your questions and how you react to the responses play a large part in determining how successful you are at your job.

July 5: A buddy of mine has won the Golden Mango award. No one else will ever come close. He asked a Pakistani couple if they had any food and they said no, only mangoes. In all, he confiscated 141.

July 7: There is something significant in the fact that the Japanese businessman visiting New York carried not only an American-made pocket calculator in his attaché case but also a well-worn abacus.

July 11: An inspector asked a girl of 16 where she had gotten her necklace. She said the U. S.; he said Israel. The inspector pointed at the necklace and said, "Take it off." The girl began to pull her blouse over her head. I wonder what was on her mind.

There was a bomb threat on a fully loaded 747 going to London. The plane was emptied before take-off and the passengers and their luggage were sent to the Customs area for examination. To me, this was the height of irresponsibility. It's pretty foolish grouping more than 350 people in an area where a bomb might go off. And why did we have to stay there? I don't want a memorial wing dedicated in my honor.

July 19: Eastern Europeans are so afraid of Customs that they whip out their passports as if they'd be shot if they hesitated. It's embarrassing. The J.F.K. plainclothesmen have a nasty habit of picking on these people, who never protest when they're yanked out of line and are thoroughly searched. Today an eastern European turned white with panic as he was led away. Welcome to the U. S.!

July 20: Pan Am is guilty of gross discrimination. Flight number one is a luxury flight that goes around the world and carries diplomats and other VIPs. Flight 234 is from Santo Domingo, carrying mostly poor, non--English-speaking people. The passengers from these two flights are never in the same lines. The 234 passengers are checked and re-checked. The number-one passengers breeze through in a few minutes. Obviously, Pan Am doesn't want to get letters from number-one people on how long it took them to get through Customs.

July 28: Because this was a Saturday, a woman inspector got a diamond seizure. A man came off Alitalia and, naturally, she began searching his luggage for salami. It was only after she found the empty ring boxes that she understood he'd been to Israel. One thing led to another and finally he produced three diamond rings. They were all undeclared and valued by staff at more than $2000. The man paid through the nose. If he'd waited one more day, he could have flown El Al (which doesn't fly Saturdays from Israel) and probably would have escaped detection. El Al doesn't get the searches that Alitalia gets.

July 29: Feeling the way I do about people who shoot animals for sport, I wasn't too pleased to see this guy get in line with a set of kudu horns. He had his papers right, but the staff officer wanted to see the guns he'd used. The staff officer was about to close the gun case when a beltman spotted maggots. Plant Quarantine was called and the fun began. The horns had been improperly treated and now there were maggots all over the horns, rifles, gun case, Customs belt and floor. Every time the Plant Quarantine man looked down the barrel of the rifle, maggots kept falling out. In the end, the horns, rifles and case were fumigated and returned. Swissair was a little unhappy, because they now had to fumigate the cargo hold of the plane where the gun case had been stored.

July 30: "What is the value of all the things you are bringing back to the U. S. that you didn't have with you when you left?" To this question, a woman indicated her pregnant condition and asked, "What value do you put on it?"

August 3: The ultimate drug seizure was made on an Avianca passenger tonight. She had one and one half pounds of cocaine in the most intimate of body cavities.

August 20: You can tell it's getting toward the end of the summer. A woman asked me why I did this kind of work and I told her I had a dirty-underwear fetish.