Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein

Freddy Frankenstein, surgeon and not-very-swift grandson of Victor Frankenstein, is visiting his grandfather's castle for the first time at the urging of family friend Herr Falkstein. As his train pulls into the station, Freddy sings out the window.

Freddy: Pardon me, boy! Is this the Transylvania Station?

Boy: Ja, ja. Track twenty-nine.

He walks off, then suddenly turns back.

Boy: Oh. Can I give you a shine?

Freddy (stunned): Uh--no, thanks.

Freddy gets off the train. A crack of lightning illuminates a small, cloaked figure with large, strange eyes that look in different directions. After introducing himself (he insists his name is pronounced Fron-kon-steen), Freddy notices that the man is a hunchback.

Freddy: You must be Igor.

Igor: No, it's pronounced Aye-gor....My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Herr Falkstein thought it might be ironically appropriate if I worked for you.

Freddy: How nice.

Igor: Of course...the rates have gone up.

Freddy: Of course, of course. I'm sure we'll get on splendidly.

In his uneasiness, Freddy slaps Igor on his hump.

Freddy: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, I don't mean to embarrass you in any way, but I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.

Igor (coldly): What hump?

Freddy (trying to recover): Let's go!

Cut to somewhere near the station, Igor and Freddy approach a cart drawn by two horses.

Igor (climbing into the driver's seat): I think you'll be more comfortable in the rear.

Freddy climbs up on the spokes of one wheel and throws his suitcase into the cart. (continued on page 314)

Young Frankenstein (continued from page 151)

Woman's Voice: Oooh!

Freddy: What was that?

Igor: That must be Inga. They thought you might need a laboratory assistant temporarily.

Freddy peers into the cart and sees Inga, a large-breasted laboratory assistant, lying in the hay.

Inga: Would you like to have a roll in the hay?

Freddy: I'm not sure I...get your drift.

Inga: You should try it--it's fun!

She begins to roll over and over in the hay.

Inga (singing): Roll, roll...roll in the hay; roll, roll...roll in the hay....

Igor cracks a whip. The horses start off as Freddy scurries into the cart....

Dissolve to the castle--night. On a distant rainy hill, the old Frankenstein Castle, as we knew and loved it. As they approach the gigantic front door--illuminated by a torch in an iron sconce on each side--Igor steps down from the cart and walks up to the door. He grasps ahold of two enormous wrought-iron knockers and raps them against the door. The sound can be heard echoing through the castle.

Freddy (watching the door in amazement as he helps Inga down from the cart): What 'knockers!

Inga (shyly): Thank you, doctor.

Igor goes back to the cart, takes down Freddy's briefcase and begins to unhitch the horses. The massive door slowly creaks open and a Woman appears.

Woman: I am Frau Blücher.

Lightning. At the sound of her name, the horses rear.

Igor (thinking it was the lightning): Steady! Steady.

Freddy sets his and Inga's suitcases onto the ground and approaches Frau Blucher.

Freddy: How do you do? I am Dr. Fronkonsteen. This is my assistant. Inga, may I present Frau Blücher.

At the sound of her name, the horses rear.

Igor: Easy. Easy! Steady, now.

Freddy: I wonder what's got into them.

Frau Blucher: Your rooms are ready, Herr Doktor. If you will follow me, please.

Freddy: Ayegor! Bring the bags as soon as you're done.

Igor: Yes, sir.

Freddy: After you, Frau Blücher.

As the horses rear, Frau Blucher, Inga and Freddy disappear into the castle....

Dissolve to Victor Frankenstein's library. Having stumbled upon his grandfather's secret library, Freddy looks at a large book lying on the table. A crack of lightning as we see: "How I Did It," by Victor Frankenstein.

Freddy: It is! This was my grandfather's private library. Look at this!

Igor (reading the cover): "How I Did It." Good title! Always sells.

Freddy: Funny it should just be lying out here on the table. I wonder what kind of alchemistic drivel this is.

A low rumble of thunder.

Freddy (opens to the first page; reading aloud): "Whence, I often asked myself, did the principles of life proceed? To examine the causes of life...we must first have recourse to death." God, what a madman!

Another low rumble of thunder. Freddy's candle almost blows out from a draft.

Inga: Oh, doctor!

Freddy: Perhaps we'd better leave.

Igor: Taking the book along?

Freddy: Yes, I think we could all use a good laugh.

Dissolve to lab. Freddy is convulsed with laughter.

Freddy: The man was a raisin cake!

Inga and Igor stare passively. The three of them are drinking tea. More water is boiling in a glass beaker.

Freddy (realizing): "And as soon as the dazzling light vanished, the oak tree had disappeared. I knew then that electricity and galvanism had changed my life." Toot-Y-Frutti!

Freddy's Voice: "When I look back now, it seems to me as if this almost miraculous event obliterated any last effort to avert the storm that was even then hanging in the stars."

More thunder.

Freddy's Voice: He kills me! This guy kills me!

Giant crackle of lightning--as if in reply to his mocking.

Freddy (reading): "Change the poles from plus to minus and from minus to plus!" (Howls insanely) "I alone succeeded in discovering the cause of generation of life." (Doubles over in laughter) "Nay, even more--I, myself, became capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter." (He laughs, he laughs, he laughs...then smashes his teacup against a wall)

[Freddy nevertheless decides to follow in his grandfather's footsteps. He and Igor determine to snatch a body from a graveyard and to find a very special brain for it.]

A gray night. Rain is falling. Pull Back to reveal prison gibbet. A freshly executed Body is swinging back and forth on the gibbet. A black hood covers its head. Two Gravediggers and a Guard stand looking up at the Body.

First Gravedigger: Look at him swinging.

Second Gravedigger: He's swinging in the rain....

The Guard cuffs the Second Grave Digger.

Quick Dissolve to Freddy and Igor knee-deep in the grave, shoveling the dirt out.

Freddy: What a filthy job!

Igor: Could be worse.

Freddy: How?

Igor: Could start raining again.

A crack of thunder. It pours. Freddy stares at Igor.

Quick Dissolve to laboratory--night. Freddy and Igor are just finishing putting a sheet over the Body, which rests on an operating table.

Freddy: Magnificent! Oh, what an awesome sight! With such a specimen for a body--all we need now is an equally magnificent brain. (Preparing a hypodermic) You know what to do?

Igor (grinning wickedly): I have a pretty good idea.

Freddy: You have the name I wrote down?

Igor (looking at the name inked on the palm of his hand): Dr. H. Delbruck.

Freddy: I want that brain!

Igor: Was he any good?

Freddy: Was he any good??? He was the finest natural philosopher, internal diagnostician and chemical therapist of this century.

Igor: How did he die?

Freddy (lowering his head): V. D.

Igor: Bad break.

Freddy: But I'm sure his brain is still capable of functioning.

Igor: But are you sure it's still in the depository?

Freddy: He died only two weeks ago--I'm positive they'll have it preserved. I'll prepare the body.

Dissolve to angle on a hospital door. The upper half of the door is made of glass. On the glass is printed:

Brain Depository

After Five p.m. Slip Brains

Through Slot in Door

The shadow of a Man, holding a lantern, can be seen silhouetted from inside the depository. The Man has a large hump on his back.

Cut to depository--night. Low thunder. A row of brains in jars, under domes, rests on a long, narrow table, Igor tiptoes slowly, examining the labels on each glass dome, "Albertus Magnus (Physicist)," "Cornelius Agrippa (Natural Philosopher)," "Lawrence Talbot (Hematologist)." Then he comes to: "Hans Delbruck (Scientist and Saint)." Igor approaches the glass dome, lifts it off and takes the jar containing the brain of Hans Delbruck. As he turns to go, he sees himself in a full-length mirror. He drops the jar in fright. He looks down and sees the gooky mess of brain and glass. He looks at the Movie Audience.

Igor (with a shrug): I tried!

He looks quickly at the "brain table," grabs a jar from under the glass dome nearest him and leaves. On the glass dome--whose contents Igor has just taken--is printed: "Do not Use this Brain! Abnormal."

Cut to the sky. An electrical storm is building in the distance.

Pointed toward the sky, the Camera now Travels down through a small opening at the top of the laboratory's ceiling. As it Continues down, we hear: electricity sparking, centrifuges whirring, wheels buzzing, chemicals in beakers bubbling. Now the Camera Drifts Past archaic scientific equipment and Comes to Rest on a giant pair of shoes with iron soles. We Move Slowly up two enormous legs--held down by leather straps to the operating table. The giant torso is similarly strapped. At last we see--for the first time: the Creature's face. There are stitches across his neck and stitches circling the crown of his skull where a new brain has been inserted.

Inga's Voice: He's hideous.

Freddy's Voice: He's beautiful.

Camera Pulls Back to reveal Freddy and Inga standing over the Creature. Freddy is wearing a long white surgeon's gown and surgeon's mask.

Freddy: And he is mine! (Looks up and shouts) Ready?? (A little confused) Did you tie off the kites?

Igor: Of course.

Freddy: All right, good! Check the generator.

Igor walks over to the generator. Freddy checks the dials of a "battery indicator," which is connected to the Creature's head.

Freddy: Can you imagine that brain in this body?

Inga: Oh, Frederick...you're not only a great doctor, you're a great...you're almost a....

Freddy: A God?

Inga: Yes!

Freddy: I know.

A crack of thunder.

Freddy: This is the moment!

[The laboratory becomes an electrical circus, as Igor throws the first switch, the second switch and, finally, a switch marked The Works. As the lights return to normal a few moments later, black wisps of smoke rise from the Creature's body.]

Freddy, soaked to the skin, places a stethoscope on the Creature's heart and listens.

Freddy: Nothing!

Inga: Oh, doctor.

Freddy (crushed): No, no. Be of good cheer! If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. (He looks once more, sadly, at the lifeless body, then grabs it by the throat and begins shaking it) Son of a Bitch Bastard--what did you do to Me!?

Inga: Doctor! Doctor! Stop! You'll kill him.

Inga and Igor drag Freddy off.

[Later that night, Freddy, Igor and Inga are in the dining room when they hear a strange moaning sound coming from the laboratory.]

Interior of laboratory. They burst into the room. What we may at last call the Monster is straining, tentatively, against the straps. His head is raised.

Monster: MMMMMMMMMMmmm mmmmmmMMMMMM!?!

Freddy: He's alive!

Inga: Oh, doctor!

Igor: I think you've done it, master.

Freddy: Alive--look at him! The eyes, the fingers, the limbs--I have defeated death!

Igor: Better not get too close, master. This guy could kill you.

Freddy: I suppose you're right. Inga! Prepare a sedative...just in case.

Inga goes to a medicine case and prepares a hypodermic, pulling back the plunger as far as it will go. The Monster raises his head and makes little circles with his hands, asking to be "free."

Freddy: It wants to talk. It wants us to take off the straps. It wants to be free.

Igor: It wants! It wants! It's always "It wants." What about "We wants"?

Freddy: But don't you see?...The brain of Hans Delbruck is inside that body--pleading with us. I've got to release that brain.

Igor: Ok, release it! Just keep the body tied down.

Freddy: Stand back!

Freddy carefully walks up to the Monster and stands over him. The Monster is silent, feeling his way.

Freddy: Hello, there.

Monster: MMMMmmmmmmmmm.

Freddy: How's everything?

Monster (just a suggestion of "Not so good"): MMmmmmmmm.

Freddy: I'm going to untie you--can you understand that?

Monster (a soft, "crying" sound): MMMmmm! MMMmmm!

Freddy: Yes, I'm going to set you free. (To Inga) Is the sedative ready?

Inga: Yes, doctor.

Freddy takes the strap across the Monster's thighs and unties it. Then he unties the strap across his chest...and steps back. All eyes are on the Monster. Tingly music. The Monster looks at them all for a moment while he is still lying down. A slightly sly grin comes to his mouth. He rises...slowly, carefully, to a sitting position.

Monster (a low, suspicious groan): MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm.

Freddy (holding out his hands): Give--me--your--hands!

The Monster slowly extends both arms toward Freddy...whether to comply or to strangle him, we are not sure. Freddy takes the Monster's hands and leads him in his first, stiff steps.

Inga (whispering, as she backs away): Oh, doctor...I'm frightened.

Igor nervously takes out a cigarette from his pocket. He strikes a match, and:

Monster (terrified by the flame): MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Freddy (to the Monster): What is it? What's the matter??

The Monster grabs Freddy's throat.

Freddy: Quick, give him the----

The Monster squeezes, Freddy can't make a sound. The Monster relaxes his hands for a split second.

Freddy: Quick, give him the----

The Monster tightens his hands; Freddy can't make a sound.

Igor: What? Give him the what??

Freddy points desperately to the Monster's arm.

Igor: Arm! Give him the arm!

Freddy shakes his head no. He pushes his thumb against his two forefingers--miming the giving of an injection.

Igor: Give him a cigarette?

Freddy shakes his head no and holds up three fingers. Suddenly it's charades, but. Freddy is playing under a 300-pound handicap.

Igor: Three syllables!

Freddy nods yes. He holds up one finger.

Igor: First syllable.

Freddy cups his hand to his ear.

Igor: Sounds like....

Freddy points to his head.

Inga: Head!

Freddy nods yes.

Inga: Sounds like head. Said??

Freddy nods yes, jubilantly.

Inga and Igor: Said!

Freddy holds up two fingers.

Inga: Second syllable!

Freddy mimes "tiny" with his fingers.

Inga: Little word!

Freddy nods yes.

Inga: The?

Freddy shakes his head no.

Igor: A?

Freddy touches his nose.

Igor: "On the nose." Said--a....

Inga: Said--a....

Igor: Dirty Word! He said a dirty word!?

Freddy shakes his head no and cups his hand to his ear.

Inga and Igor: Sounds like....

Freddy mimes "give."

Inga: Give?

Freddy nods yes furiously.

Igor: Said--a--Give!?? Give him a said-a-give!

Freddy shakes his head no.

Inga: Tive! Sedative!

Freddy, who by now is practically dead, weakly points to his nose.

Igor: On the nosey.

Inga runs to the table and gets the hypodermic, then runs back and jams it into the Monster's tush. The Monster's eyes freeze. Then he looks at each of them...his hands still clutching Freddy's neck. Then he collapses like a giant tree.

Inga (rushing to the half-conscious Freddy): Frederick...are you all right??

Freddy (turning sweetly to Igor): May I speak to you for a moment?

Igor: Of course.

Freddy: Now, I promise you I won't be angry. All I ask for...is the truth. Is that fair?

Igor: Why, certainly.

Freddy: That brain that you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?

Igor: Not exactly.

Freddy (holding back his rage): Could you be more specific?

Igor: Well, if push came to shove...I would have to say...no!

Freddy: Ah! Would you mind telling me...whose brain I did put in?

Igor: And you won't be angry?

Freddy: I won't be angry.

Igor: Abbey someone.

Freddy: Abbey?? Abbey who?

Igor: Abbey Normal.

Freddy: Abbey Normal???

Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.

Freddy (grabbing Igor's throat): I put--an abnormal brain--into a seven-and-a-half-foot-long, 40-inch-wide Gorilla???

Igor: Quick, give him the----

Freddy's hands tighten around Igor's neck. There is a: Knock! Knock! Knock!

Freddy (releasing Igor): Who could that be at this hour?

Igor: I'm glad he didn't get angry. Knock! Knock! Knock!

Freddy: Inga! Quick! See who that is.

Inga starts for the stairs.

Freddy (to Igor): Put this "thing" back on the table. And strap him down--tightly!

Freddy starts off.

Igor: Where are you going?

Freddy: To wash up! I've got to look normal. We've all of us...got to behave normally.

At this moment, Freddy's clip-on bow tie unhinges from his collar and goes flying across the room.

• • •

And, to all those who go to see the film, a personal request from Mel Brooks:

"Please don't give away the middle."