Stuck in the Middle with You

Did you know you better make up your mind--To pick up on one and leave the other behind. It's not often easy and not often kind.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?*

--John Sebastian

First came the eternal triangle. That's when, according to tradition, you'd have this terrific thing going with Ellen but this other lady, this Gail had a way of, I don't know, turning you on, and you figured, shit, a guy might just be able to keep it going with two ladies, separate quarters and all that, I mean it can't hurt to try, right? Which is when the whole damn structure would collapse on you, right? (continued on page 301) Stuck in the Middle (continued from page 159)

Ah, but that was the traditional structure. You've changed and people around you have changed. It's no longer a question of eternal triangles, what with free spirits abounding and variety as today's essential spice. But there's another, more contemporary triangle that presents its own set of problems: getting it on with two ladies at once, in the same place. It should be smooth going. After all, possessiveness and knee-jerk jealousy just aren't smiled upon anymore, not by the ladies you've been seeing, not these days. As one writer suggested, if you ain't gettin' it in multiples, you ain't gettin' it.

So just one question: How come you ain't gettin' it? If everybody else is, why hasn't the modern triangle happened to you? Maybe it's a matter of style. You know you'd like to, you've even got a couple of women in mind, but how do these things work? How do you get past those first awkward moments? How do you avoid hurt feelings, clumsy behavior, bitter goodbyes? Or, put another way, it's hard enough handling your sex life with one other person--so who needs complications?

Oh, you already have complications. You're seeing Ellen and she knows you occasionally see another woman. And Gail, of course, knew you were seeing someone else the first time you asked her out. You've never discussed one woman with the other, but they know, and there's this discomfort in the air, this subtle pressure. You're beginning to worry that, as usual, you're going to have to fish or cut bait. You're going to have to choose and things are going to go sour and someone is going to be hurt--probably all three of you.

Here's where you might try something new. First, screw up your courage and ask them both to meet you for a drink after work. Introductions, friendly small talk. A drink, and the talk turns a little sexy. The girls aren't dumb, there's some reason you asked them both there--if you were going to choose between them, it would happen one on one. So, if neither Gail nor Ellen has made "Hey, what the hell is this?" noises, you may be on your way.

Try bringing up the subject hypothetically. There's been a second drink, the women seem to like each other and you slide into the conversation something about how you've occasionally fantasized making love to both of them at the same time. If you get a couple of smiles, maybe a pair of lowered eyes, you're more than on your way. Of course, if you notice that two rum and Cokes have been splattered in your face, perhaps this wasn't the right moment.

In any case, let's say the moment was right. As you wait for the check, everyone is likely to be feeling a bit self-conscious. So feel free about not talking on the way to your apartment. Let the sexual tension build. And when you get inside, amid familiar surroundings, you'll want to stoke the fires again. Get the conversation going, get back to the topic again. And not just to sex but to three-way sex. You can get your partners to start thinking about threesomes in a variety of ways: Give them each a triple martini, for example, and do so ostentatiously. When you select a record album, think "three"--Beethoven's Third, The Kingston Trio, that sort of thing--to show them you're hip yet touchingly funny. Make pointed jokes: "There were these three fellows, see, an Irishman, a Jew and a...." And keep pouring the drinks. Of course, you may want to practice a certain amount of moderation yourself regarding the booze. It may loosen inhibitions, but it is also well known that a gentleman puking into a wastebasket soon loses his sexual allure.

Then the time arrives. Don't worry, you'll know. It may be subtle, consisting of a lull in the conversation, a pause during which Gail and Ellen look at each other and at you and smile and say nothing. Or it may be less subtle, consisting of both girls' taking hold of your pants legs and tugging for all they're worth as they sing I Am Woman in harmony. (After all, these are modern ladies you go out with, right?) Whatever form the signal takes, the three of you realize the moment has come and you pad your way into the bedroom.

Now. A couple of rules of acknowledgment. Nice as it is to think that the hard work's been done, that you can now dive in with arms and legs and so forth flailing, it may be useful to remember that there's hardly ever anything like unlimited freedom. There's usually something you can't do or don't want done to you. So make sure everyone has the same idea of what's going on, what the general relationships are. If Gail should somehow get the impression that Ellen is your long-lost maternal grandmother, and that you're headed for the bedroom for a family reunion, this could cause problems later on. Seriously, guys, remember to stay consistent. You obviously aren't going to want to cop out at the last minute, but most importantly, don't suddenly switch roles in mid-evening.

The first several potentially awkward moments come at the undressing stage. If that's the case, figure out which lady needs more reassurance and make her your priority at this and other stages as well. If, in the interests of equal time, you want to go at it simultaneously, forget it. Only Rudolf Nureyev is graceful enough to undress two women at the same time, and he's probably not interested. If your women are inspired enough to be getting into your bed, they'll be inspired enough to get out of their clothes.

The three of you should soon be naked, or close enough. This is where your behavior becomes critical. You've been intimate with both of these women, and they know it. It's up to you to take as much of the awkwardness out of this as possible. Laughter will help, and you can go back to making "three" jokes or even re-creating a Three Stooges routine: You might, for instance, poke your lingers into Ellen's eyes, bonk Gail over the head and slap your own face, making loud sound-effect noises all the while. Don't be ashamed to have anything along that's ever made you comfortable in bed: candles, music, wine, your Teddy bear. Once you relax, lust will prevail. (An aside: You can start out with a much less tense situation by taking two women who are already friendly to bed. Work on two girls in your office whom you know to be confidantes and sidekicks. Or perhaps a pair of sexy Danish sister stewardesses. Of course, if you're that much in touch with turning your fantasies into reality, and that smart, you probably don't need to be reading any of this.)

Since you're the guy, you should be in the middle. And not just for reasons of symmetry, important as they may be. Fact is, yours is the depletable resource, damn it, and the best way to conserve that resource is to do as Exxon does: Don't use it up immediately, and keep your mind on tax benefits.

Don't focus on genital sex right away--in other words, stifle that natural male impulse to dramatically prove that you're in control even when you're not quite. Enjoy some foreplay. Look around. Get used to the strange sensation of having more than two people in the bed. This is a time for sensual immersion: Use your eyes, nose, mouth, toes, get it all. You've got a ten-course feast here, not steak and potatoes twice.

Above all, be patient. Don't let your lovemaking look like a human pretzel formed by gymnasts. If it works with everybody doing something to everybody else, fine. If it's clumsy, let go for a second. Take a look at what's happening. It isn't very often that one gets to see other live folk making love. And, by the way, be prepared to be ignored at some point while the women discover each other. It's not a rejection of you; it's just that women find it relatively easy to cross that barrier--don't forget, they were the ones who danced together in high school.

The time will soon arrive for hanky-panky the way you've always thought it should be. With a little help from a friend. You ought to keep in mind an earlier notion: Concentrate on the lady who appears less secure. She may be the one you have the more serious relationship with, but maybe not. As for your worry that you may not be able to perform twice during the evening, don't sweat it. Women know about these things and will be trying to put you at your ease. They will also be sexy as hell. Also, ladies, bless their funny little bodies, can be satisfied in lots of ways--orally, manually, and so on.

Still, if you don't perform up to your own expectations, it's probably a bigger deal to you than it is to the women. Don't apologize and swear that "it never happened before." These two ladies are supposed to know and like you. The thrill in this sort of thing is supposed to come mainly from skin contact, the caressing, the sharing of one another. If you can't get it up more than once, you can console yourself with the fact that, in relationships with women, this sort of thing happens constantly to 75-year-old men. And to faggots.

While we're on the subject, what about the other kind of ménage à trois, the one with two men and one woman? Remember you're supposed to be liberated, bub. And the truth is, this kind of situation is far more threatening for most people than the other kind of triangle. But, hey, it can work.

Suppose it's you and Ellen and a mutual friend, Robert. You're listening to music together, getting high, talking about how much you all like one another. At some point, your woman friend lets on as to how incredible she thinks it would be if the three of you went to bed together. Robert thinks about it for a couple of moments and lets on that he wouldn't mind a bit. As for you, well, you haven't been to bed with a guy since the pipes froze at boy-scout camp. But, admit it, the prospect is turning you on. Ok. First thing is, figure out what's exciting you--the idea of you and Robert making love to Ellen? Or the idea of running your hands over Robert's bod? Get it straight in your head early on, or the confusion could cause a real misunderstanding. The woman's in the middle this time, naturally, and with a little teamwork, even at the foreplay stage, you can both bring her a lot of pleasure. And don't push things with your friend. He may casually touch you or you may brush him, and you'll both be looking to see how your advances are received. The moment you notice any signs of rejection or fear in either of you, stop. Of course, if you notice that your friend has just kicked Ellen out of bed with both his feet and is going to work on you like crazy, you may want to rethink things.

Both kinds of triangular sex may give you a chance to satisfy some pretty common fantasies and, while you're at it, change a few relationships that weren't perfect to start with. Having a few guidelines, however lighthearted, shouldn't take the spontaneity out of your encounters. And, hell, once you've conquered the complexities of the triangle, there isn't much you shouldn't be able to handle. Next time around, you'll be ready to take on the pentagon.

© 1965 The Hudson Bay Music Company. Reprinted by permission