Chariots of the Clods?

Man's Arrogance has led him to believe that he is the only intelligent life form in the universe. The sheer size of the universe is enough to discredit any such belief. To the naked eye, 4500 stars are visible (at night). With the aid of a telescope, the number is greatly increased. Each of the solar systems in the universe is estimated as large as infinity.

I have taken much abuse for my theory that this planet has been visited and will be visited again by creatures from another solar (continued on page 158)Chariots of the Clods?(continued from page 117) system. I rest easy knowing that my questions have answers.

We no longer live with the mysteries in our past. The evidence I present will forever put an end to the question of whether or not we are alone. The ancient junketers from space left many imprints that are still with us today and will be with us tomorrow (and the day after tomorrow, and so on). It is my contention that these visitors wanted to leave something behind to be remembered by—just as we have done on our moon trips. They left physical objects (temples, roads, amusement parks) and something grander, something that will be with man until his demise: tools.

When the ancient galaxy-trotters arrived on Earth back in August of 30,000 B.C., they found two types of apes: ordinary apes and apes with a future. The apes with a future were our ancestors. They were different from ordinary apes in that they were rather flashy dressers, and the galaxy-trotters chose the more fashionable creatures as recipients of their tools and technology. And so it was that man took the lead in the evolutionary race. Looking back, I suppose that every ape wishes he'd had sense enough to dress for company.

The ancient wayfarers sought to turn these apes into productive individuals, but, as always, an ape would rather clean a friend than listen to an engineering lecture. As a result, the visitors left Earth. As some sort of cosmic joke, they left behind their tools and great volumes of literature explaining construction, medicine, mathematics and ballroom dancing. It took some time before the apes learned to use the tools and then developed into man as we know him today. Our debt to these ancient space folk is incalculable. Let us all pray, before we lay our heads down to rest, that these ancient space men will not return and ask us to make good on the debt.

Car Wash at Thebes

Amid the ruins at Thebes there stands a perfectly operational car wash, complete with a hot carnauba-wax machine, capable of handling 30 cars an hour. Symbols inscribed above the cash register (designed to hold goats, the common monetary unit of the time) have been translated to read No Checks Accepted. Banks Don't Wash Cars. We Don't Cash Checks. Rather unusual for a society primarily concerned with not urinating on its sneakers.

Forklift of Libya

In the middle of Libya's scorching desert, there sits a lone forklift. The late Robert Frei discovered it on an expedition to find the tomb of the late King Ufat McKay. Instead of unearthing a tomb filled with treasure, Frei unearthed a rotting wooden forklift and a bag of stale coconut chewies. Such a clamor was raised over how to display a forklift among the beautiful treasures of the Berlin Museum for Antiquity and Profit that the historical significance of the forklift was overlooked. A pity so obvious an example of alien presence on our planet was discarded.

The Great Shoe

Outside Calcutta in the midst of Roy Rogers Shanty Town there stands the Great Shoe, an enormous wing tip, size 40,000 DDDD. A few miles from the Great Shoe, scientists have found the remains of the Great Socks and the Great Undershorts. The famed anthropologist Clara Leoprdet was baffled by the size of the Great Shoe, Socks and Undershorts and was quoted as saying, "I wonder if this giant throws his clothes about like this at home!"

The Temple of the Tweed Pants

For thousands of years, the people of Tacki Tacki in the South Pacific have worshiped a pair of tweed pants (with three zippers, suggesting an anatomy different from that of non-Latins). Island legend had it that the God of Clothing descended from the heavens on a silver-sewing-machine bird and took a woman from among the villagers "to mess with for a couple of hours." The divinely duped husband burst in on the god and his lover and the surprised god dashed out of the hut and returned to heaven. To this day, the pants left behind by the god are worshiped in the hope that he will someday return for the pants and the villagers can get his autograph. Legend or fact?

The Fresco of the Church of the Carpeted Confession Booth

A fresco on the ceiling of this small Romanian church has Jesus and the Holy Ghost riding in a flaming rocket, strafing a legion of Roman soldiers. A bubble above Jesus' head contains the words "Geez, what a way to travel!!" A more perfect artifact of the hoary tourists could not be found.

The Legend of the Fat Man

On the island of Discovered 1934 there lives a tribe of extremely thin people whose calorie intake rarely exceeds 120 per day. Yet the main figure in the religious mythology is Big Ed, the Fat Man. Big Ed was supposed to have arrived on the island by plane and within an hour had consumed all the food the natives had saved for the rainish season. He complained of gas and left suddenly for the heavens in search of a bicarbonate. The islanders still pile heaps of cold cuts and extra-fancy cling peaches onto the Altar of the Fat Man (a stone slab made to look like a brownie). It is terribly obvious that the Fat Man was an ancient space person and that a stone brownie is no inducement for an intergalactic journey.

The Future

I believe I have sufficiently proved that the Earth has been host to space travelers; but what of the future? Of course, we can only speculate, but I am confident that my theories are sound. Have I been wrong in the past?

There exists a theory (developed by the Boys' Club of Albany, New York) that beyond our solar system time changes radically—one day, for example, equaling 50,000 Earth years. If this theory is true, then only a single day has passed since the first space folk arrived. We can certainly expect them again.

1. It is possible that the space people will return with more tools and knowledge. This could be to our advantage or to our disadvantage. It would be terrible were they to return with the same knowledge and tools as the first time around. Consider what a deadly bore it would be to have to listen to odd little men re-explain the principles of proper home insulation.

2. It is possible that the aliens might return looking human. We might be unable to detect their presence, unless, of course, we were to ask them who played first base for the '48 Dodgers.

3. Perhaps the aliens will return and give today's apes the tools and knowledge to help them in their evolutionary struggle. If this were to happen, we could find ourselves, in a few years, engaged in a mighty battle with the simians. How long would an ape sit in a zoo or a jungle if he had the knowledge to produce nuclear weapons? Looking to an even darker side, suppose the aliens gave the knowledge to insects or plants? Imagine the chaos it would create with the welfare system!

Final Note

Since it is inevitable that we will be visited by aliens again, you should prepare yourself for a possible meeting with one. There are a few simple rules you should observe for a memorable meeting.

1. Don't panic. Our popular fiction has taught us that visitors from outer space can be tricked into stepping on an electrified trap. Violence will only give us a bad name around the universe.

2. Treat them as you would any other radioactive guest. See that they are comfortable and don't invite them to speak at your club or school.

3. If the aliens are giants, as they may well be, use caution. Do not get them angry and don't attempt to dance with them. If they look as though they are going to sit down in a residential area, play the national anthem until they leave.