Eyes Only

At Home with the New Director

--a warm, intimate glimpse

Senate Problems? Learn Amnesia

Was Stonehenge a Primitive Microdot?

Ten Helpful Hints on Rewiring Your Cat

"I Say Trench Coats Are Bunk!" by lamar "336-42-3871" Cranston

How to Be Sure You're not Following Yourself--by the author of My Alias Turned Me In

Dismembered but not Discouraged--A Heart-warming True Story

Masquer-Aids

As most of you know, the old suite on the 18th floor has been closed for some time now. That's because Spec. Op. Barton Midwood has come up with a revolutionary method for disguising people and we've moved the labs to an unlisted floor. Touted as the only major breakthrough in disguises since false eyelashes, Mr. Midwood's technique uses simple silicone implants, face lifting, hair transplants, electrolysis, sun-lamp treatments, hormone shots and brainwashing to ensure foolproof security on the job or off. Shown at far left is agent William F. Buckley, Jr., as you see him on Firing Line. At left: what can be done with Mr. Midwood's techniques. The left [deleted] conceals a flame thrower. The right [deleted] is a Hasselblad camera. The [deleted] (not shown) contains silicone "chips," which are synaptic with Polaris missiles targeted for Moscow in the event of penetration by enemy forces.

Stool Pigeon

A hearty handshake to Bob "Smiley" T, who kept that sunny composure while, having his fingernails extracted....Promotions: In Vientiane, Laos, Steve J. has been upped to Assoc. Librarian--which means ole Premier Souvanna now reports to him.... Toddlin' Tommy P. Is off again, this time to hustle up a little bang-bang in a country famous for chocolate and cuckoos.... Flash: What handsome operative was seen pushing which female enemy agent out of an airborne chopper? Tsk, tsk. ... We hear Nelson R. couldn't decide between Honduras and Panama for Happy's vacation, so he bought 'em both! ... A hearty heil to G. Gordon L.: Keep up the chatter, baby!

Microdot Classic

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War and Peace

Brush up on Your Jargon while Touching Base with that Big Agent in the Sky

The Lord is my full bull; I shall have a positive fog index. He maketh me to lie down in a classified location; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me to green pastures for the sake of national security. Yea, though I have been seen in close association with the valley of the shadow of termination with extreme prejudice, I shall have no heartburn; for thou givest me thy chop; thy teeth-to-tail ratio comforts me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of subversive elements; thou anointest my head with complex game plans; my cup is in a go configuration. Surely director's approvals and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the head shed of the Lord for an unspecified period of time. --23rd Psalm, Colonel James Version

A Message from the Director

Greetings from your new director! I am pleased and delighted to be on board. And to those of you who pitched in to help purchase my wonderful welcome gift, a special note of gratitude. A bulletproof pacemaker must have set you all back a bit. But let me direct your attention for just a moment to a very serious matter. There have been slanderous reports of domestic spying appearing all over the country and I'd like to assure you that my dear friends on the investigating committee are well informed about the facts of this case. Of this I am positive, because I personally had their phones tapped to make sure they would receive only the right information. Moreover, let me say that no matter what policy has been, there will be no domestic spying as long as I'm with the company. My wife and I have in our personal employ a cook, a housekeeper and a maid. And not once during the ten years we've had them have we so much as eavesdropped on them. I will not--I say again, will not--tolerate any surveillance of domestics, be they foreign domestics or domestic domestics, be they chauffeurs, butlers, maids, indentured servants, slaves or what have you. The sad fact is that those agents who "bug" their domestic help are wasting the taxpayers' precious money, because, as you will no doubt have noticed, domestics rarely have anything of even marginal interest to say, other than to complain about salaries and such (in which case, a sound beating would be much cheaper than wire taps and the like). So please, under no circumstances engage in domestic spying.

Photo-contest Winners

Pseudonymous Writers School

By Messrs. Agee, Marchetti, Ross, Wise, Dorsen and Gillers Lesson XVII

In the last lesson, we covered margins, indentation and numbering your pages correctly. If you've forgotten how, please review.

1. Punctuation. This is one of the most important techniques you'll learn before writing your CIA exposé. Watch closely.

Wrong: The armed forces of Chile revolted against the Marxist regime of President Salvador Allende Gossans today, destroying the government, the Presidential Palace and Allende himself in a dramatic predawn coup conceived, produced, directed and financed by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Right: The duties of President Salvador Allende Gossens were temporarily taken over by members of his loyal Chilean army today after Señor Allende took his own life with 14 submachine guns and many eight-inch mortar rounds. The reasons for his dramatic predawn suicide aren't known.

As you can see, in the second version, the period breaks up the sentence so that it reads more smoothly. It also ensures the author's continued good health.

2. Quotation. Accuracy is the most importa nt part of this technique. When quoting public figures, always make sure they say the right thing.

Wrong: Senator Mike Mansfield, 1954: "Does this incident mean that the CIA is getting into the internal-security field in competition with the FBI? Does it mean that officials of this Government agency can defy the courts?"

Right: Senator Mike Mansfield, 1954: "Oh, man, am I drunk! Rather than make a statement on the CIA, I think I'll go to the nearest whorehouse and get lald. Or perhaps I should see my Communist Chinese mistress today."

Obviously, the first statement makes no sense at all. Be sure you transcribe something you can use.

Classified

Rides

• Former poppies would like ride from Cambodia to Oakland, or nearby. If you know of anyone going on to Harlem, please advise. Will share jet-fuel expense. Contact: Box 1, Air America, Saigon.

• Fifteen cases of fragmentation grenades and 150 M-60 air-cooled machine guns need ride on or about August 2 from Fort Sill, Okla., to Mozambique. Good company--guaranteed rapid-fire chatter. Write: Third-Floor Men's Room, E Ring, Pentagon, U.S.A.

Personals

24-year-old male agent with black hair, brown hair, blond hair, red hair, white hair, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, hazel eyes, 5'10", 6'2", 6'1" or 5'7", wishes to meet female agent aged 22--30 with identity problem. Contact: Box 424, Eyes Only. No weirdos, please!

• Puma Wing, please come home.

• Philadelphia-based operative with background in venomous animals wishes to meet discreet foreign head of state with mortal enemies. Object: Exciting phone conversations on those long winter nights. Eyes Only, Box 2.

For Sale

• Oregon: Due to budget cutbacks and problems with our domestic operations, we are forced to sell this wonderful state at reduced price or to highest bidder. Featuring mountainous terrain for strategic maneuvers and vast plains of wheat for sending dangerous microorganisms overseas. An absolute steal at seven billion dollars. E-Z Terms. Contact The Merry Pranksters, Suite 1600, A Ring, Pentagon, U.S.A.

House Sale: Everything must go--even the big iron fence around the place. Owner needs to raise immediate cash for extended Argentine trip. Many priceless paintings and used microphones. Also taking bids on house itself--an impressive neoclassic design with a fresh coat of white paint, but a bitch to heat in the winter (and the neighborhood isn't what it used to be, either). 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.

Books

• Complete dictionary of the latest company and Pentagon acronyms, such as PODDI (Portable Oval Do-Do Interceptor), CRAC (Covert Rendezvous Area for Coitus) and FORC (Four-pronged Object for Ration Control). Act now! Eyes Only, Box 1100.

• Secrets you always wanted to know, now revealed through this exclusive book offer. The ingredients of CocaCola; Howard Hughes's area code; location of the Holy Grail; what they say about Dixie and much, much more. Write: Bus Depot, Far, Texas.

• Is greasy dirt your problem? How about dirty grease? Oily grease? Greasy oil? Whatever it is, solve it with the new text Laundering Money: No More Ring Around the Dollar. Eyes Only Book Club.

Wanted

Exploding diapers for infant subversive. Will pay premium prices: Eyes Only, Box 992.

Zimmerman Marks Fifteenth

Operative Robert Zimmerman (aka Bob Dylan) is celebrating his 15th year of service with the company this week. Starting in the Sixties, he infiltrated the Negro Menace and gathered information on important colored leaders. Later, during the Vietnam Bore, he made everyone feel even more miserable. Recently, "Zims" has maintained a low profile while collaborating with the Swiss government to promote anti-Semitism. Many happy returns, Zims! Or, in the language of your own people: Mazelwurst!

Inoperatives

Died: Major Wesley "Dogboy" Smith, 38, assassin, bon vivant and twice holder of the coveted Bronze Flak Jacket for outstanding marksmanship in Vietnam (1963) and Chile (1973); of a stroke after plunging into a blast furnace at the Bethlehem Steel Hot Rolling Mill while on his way to ballet class. Died: Colonel Arthur "Hotpoint" D'Smith, 58, Bolivian Sun-bathing Enthusiasts Bureau Chief; rendered meritorious service in 1945 by helping fellow sun-bathing aces Hitler and Bormann escape Red clutches; of natural causes while swimming in the La Paz Sheraton pool in the trunk of his Mercedes. Died: Captain Ken "Eat Death" Smythe, 34, long in charge of the renowned North Vietnam Horticultural Rearrangement Plan; of accidental dismemberment in his sleep.

Poet's Corner

By Field Agent Rod McKuen

As if on a green spring windAt night you come to me,Lovely in the luminous moonlight,And judo-chop me in my sleep.

R&D

ACE Facial-Liquidation Device: Tired of being a stiff at diplomatic parties? Despair no more: Rolled with the best Cuban tobacco, each device packs enough wallop to make you the life (and end) of the party. Just hand it to someone, give him a light and, a few puffs later, he's in for a big surprise. The tip contains enough goody to obliterate the upper torso, lower torso and half of downtown Pasadena. Also offers a fine-tasting short smoke as well.

ACME Digital-Electroshock Device: Modeled on secret plans stolen from an E.C. Comics ad, this item fits snugly in the palm of the hand. Shake hands with your victim and he gets a 25,000-volt jolt, enough to turn him into a raisin.

Operative's Tobacco-Ignition Instrument: Looks like a camera. Feels like a camera. But it's not: It's a cigarette lighter. Carry it in public and no one will know that you actually have a cigarette lighter on your person. Gives up to 2000 lights. An ideal gift.

Dehydration Control Reservoir: Don't let Commie women sap your vital essences and bodily fluids. Our thin, sensitive reservoir protects you and your essences from getting into foreign hands (or mouths or what have you). Also allows levels of sensation unknown with previous controls of its kind. Comes in packages of three or 12 (for the man with whole armies of Marxists after him). Lubricated or dry.

"burn before reading"

ASA 929 Microfilm / Classified / Top Secret Grade 2925-B / This Document Nontoxic/Swallow on a Need-to-eat Basis / Accept no Substitutes

Eyes Only is not published anywhere by anyone. All manuscripts received will be returned unopened. Copyright © 1975 by no one you know. Nothing in Eyes Only may be reproduced or read or contemplated in whole or in part without whispered permission of somebody wearing a blue tie, walking from swerve of shore to bend of bay.