The Playboy Advisor

My wife and I have been together for three years. Our marriage, which at first seemed to have been made in heaven, has broken down completely. I've tried to get her to discuss our problems, but to no avail. She refuses to admit that we have any, and she will not go with me to see a counselor. Divorce seems to be the only answer and, frankly, I want it. My problem is this: Recently, I ran into my best friend's sister. It had been ten years since I'd last seen her and I found her very appealing. She knows I'm married, but she doesn't know my marriage is on the rocks. How do I declare my interest in her? She comes from a good family and is a nice girl. I don't want her to get the wrong idea--that I am just a dissatisfied husband seeking solace or that she would be the other woman. Believe me, I don't want to let her out of my life.--N. J., Burlington, Vermont.

Marriages made in heaven have the same troubles that plague other imported jobs--it's hard to get spare parts and the repair charges are outrageous. We suggest that you keep these affairs separate. Do what is necessary to resolve your marriage--one way or another. Explain the situation to your friend's sister as honestly as possible. When you do talk to her, don't force yourself into a category such as "ex-husband-to-be" or her into one such as "nice girl." Stories tend to come out the way you write them. You might want to ask her brother to act as a go-between--what are best friends for, anyway? Of course, he may punch you out: "Not with my sister, you don't." Take care.

For several months, I have been struggling with something that I just don't know how to handle. My girlfriend and I have always respected each other's privacy, but in a weak moment, I let curiosity get the better of me. She has a small metal box that she keeps locked. She told me that it held some personal mementos. I'd always wondered what was in the box, and one night while she was away, I found the key and opened it. Inside were a stack of 35mm slides and a reel of film. I cannot tell you the sinking feeling I had when I saw what was on the transparencies. Her old boyfriend had been a photographer and had obviously taken the pictures--there were shots of my girlfriend without her clothes on. The first few frames of the movie showed her face as she engaged in an act of oral sex. I put everything back where it had been and tried to pretend that nothing had happened, but that hasn't worked. I haven't felt like making love to her since. I can't even kiss her without thinking of what her lips were doing in that movie. She's never done that with me. She'd always acted so innocent about sex--I thought she was a virgin when we first made love. She never seemed to be interested enough in sex to keep pictures of a guy without clothes. I am afraid of what she will say if I tell her what I did. I'm afraid of what more I might find out. What should I do?--B. M., Syracuse, New York.

Respect for privacy is often used as a front for lack of confidence. One cure is to trade the insecure suspicions of "What we don't know about each other can't hurt us" for the trusting curiosity of "What we find out together is a measure of our strength." It's said that people who keep Pandora's boxes expect them to be opened. We're not sure that's true, but people who want to talk do tend to leave clues--diaries left unlocked or astrological charts circled in the morning papers. (If you can't read my mind, read my horoscope.) Obviously, what you thought about your girlfriend was wrong--that's no excuse for not finding out what she is really like. It won't do to suffer in silence: Confess your actions or ask her to go over the contents of the box with you. If you want to put things in perspective, borrow a trick from Sherlock Holmes: Place a smoke bomb under your bed and see what she tries to save--you or the box.

One of my friends, who is not too keen on flying to begin with, says that it is very dangerous to fly with a cold or an allergy. He claims that crew members are grounded for their own safety if they have any kind of congestion or ear infection, but he couldn't say why. Is this true?--D. K., Dallas, Texas.

Not quite. As an airplane gains or loses altitude, a difference develops between the pressure inside your ears and the pressure in the cabin; consequently, the eardrum is subject to stress. To correct the situation, a passenger swallows or yawns--air passes through the Eustachian tube to the middle ear and the balance is restored. A cold, allergy or ear infection can clog the Eustachian tube and prevent the equalization of pressure; in some cases, the membrane of the eardrum may rupture. For this reason, airlines advise both crews and passengers to see a doctor if they are planning to fly under the weather. A combination of decongestants and, possibly, antihistamines can make the going easier.

Did Rolls-Royce ever have a factory in the United States? My brother thinks that some left-hand-drive versions of the classic were made in America. True? We have a five-dollar bet on this.--C. M., Palmyra, Pennsylvania.

One of these days, we're going to open an off-track betting house and make some money from all these wagers we settle. Rolls-Royce opened a factory at Springfield, Massachusetts, in 1920; the plant produced Silver Ghosts until 1926, then Phantom I's until 1931, when the operation was phased out. (A few Phantoms were assembled from spare parts in 1933.) The Springfield Rolls-Royces were almost identical with their English cousins, except for the left-hand drive. Needless to say, they are prized collector's items and damn good cars.

I've been reading about a Scandinavian sex device called a grope suit. Supposedly, it will keep a woman in an almost constant state of orgasm. Would you know anything about it--for instance, where I could purchase the device?--Miss F. D., Melbourne, Florida.

Grope suits came out of the closet after Alex Comfort devoted a paragraph to them in "Joy of Sex." In case your little brother stole your copy, Comfort describes the attire as a "very tight rubber G string with a thick phallic plug which fits in the vagina and a roughened knob over the clitoris. The bra has small toothed recesses in the cups which grip the nipples and is covered all over inside with soft rubber points. Once it is on, every movement touches a sensitive area." Yee-hah. In spite of publicity, it's almost impossible to find a grope suit in this country. The Sears catalog doesn't mention one. Frederick's of Hollywood and other lingerie houses seem to be sticking to their nylons. Makes you wonder about capitalism and the law of supply and demand, doesn't it? You might talk the neighborhood tailor into whipping something up out of an old wet suit, a recycled soap dish, a soft hairbrush and a burned-out vibrator. Better yet, invent your own erotic wardrobe: bikinis made out of waist chains, leather thongs, feathered boas, inflated balloons--the fittings are a gas. In cool weather, an inside-out fur coat is a reliable turnon. If you believe that less is more, try going out on a date without wearing underwear. You'll find that clothes can make a woman.

Last spring, my roommate and I vacationed in California. While we were there, her uncle invited us to dine at his restaurant. He ordered for us, dined with us and made it clear that the meal was on the house. Later, on the drive back to the hotel, my roommate told me that she thought it would have been appropriate for me to tip the waiter, even though we did not see, or pay, the tab. What is the proper etiquette?--C. R., Silver Spring, Maryland.

It is a gentlemanly gesture to offer to take care of the tip when you are treated to dinner, but only because the offer can be refused so gallantly. As a guest, you should never see the check. Should your gesture be accepted by the host, you'll have to estimate the gratuity. Be generous.

About a year ago, my husband brought home some stag movies given to him by a friend. One of them showed a beautiful, sexy woman making love to two guys at once. She looked as if she were completely blown away by it, and I longed to be in her place: lying in bed, the guy behind her cupping her breasts, kissing her neck and ears, the other man kneeling between her thighs, kissing her stomach, tugging lightly at her pubic hair with his teeth, performing cunnilingus. It seemed such a tender homage to her body, a total support system for her ecstasy. Later, she accepted both of them and I really spaced out. She had them coming and going. My husband realized my excitement and he used himself and a rubber penis on me during sex that night. I pretended that both were real; the feeling was glorious. Since then, our marriage has gone through a radical change. We spend hours talking, playing and making love. Still, I hunger to make love to my husband and another man at the same time. When we pretend, the effects are the same as the first time. My husband doesn't seem to mind--I think he likes the fact that I enjoy sex more than I ever did before. Do you think I'm overreacting to the film? What would my husband say if he knew I wanted the real thing?--Mrs. S. C., Schenectady, New York.

How about, "Funny you should mention it"? We suspect that your husband has already considered the possibility. He seems quite liberated. Ask him what he had in mind when he brought the films home. Maybe he'll bring the friend along next time. (Then again, maybe he enjoyed a scene showing two women and a man and has another suggestion.) Your reaction to the erotic movie was fairly common. Some women get more turned on recalling what they have seen than they do while actually viewing the movie. The visual image becomes a counterpoint to their own activity--it looks like what they feel like. The fantasy of a ménage à trois has increased your sense of attractiveness and sexual skill; the reality may or may not add to that. Consider the possible consequences; sometimes it does hurt to triangle.

What are my chances of being sterile if I am in my late teens, enjoy a normal sex life (with intercourse more than twice a week and as much as five times in a day) and was kicked or kneed in the groin about 32 times in one month?--W. R., Toronto, Ontario.

Thirty-two times? We just have to ask: Were you a stand-in in a Kung Fu movie? Does your girlfriend get off seeing Neolite stamped on your thigh? Are you putting us on? It's not nice to fool "The Playboy Advisor." Seriously, injuries to the genitals can affect fertility. If you're worried, have your doctor run the appropriate tests.

Recently, I met a young lady who is 19 years old. I am 25 years old and divorced. She is a virgin--we have not had intercourse, but we have engaged in some heavy petting. What concerns me is that she doesn't seem to get turned on by any of my actions. I try the ear and no luck. She doesn't react to the tongue-in-the-navel trick. She does like to have her breasts fondled and kissed, and her nipples do become delightfully erect at times. However, when I play with her vaginal area, she does not even move her hips as if excited. I have asked her what she likes, what really excites her. She says she doesn't know. I am running out of ideas. To top it off, while we are making out and I am busy with her breasts and navel, trying to arouse her, she will start tapping her foot, as if she could care less about what is happening. I have never experienced such frustration. She wants to remain a virgin until she is married but admits that she may not make it. What can I do?--D. C., Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

Pleasure is not something you give a partner through technique; it is something she allows herself to have in your presence. Your girlfriend has apparently made the decision to save it all for marriage, but she doesn't know quite where to draw the line. If she is intimidated by your age difference and sexual experience, she may view all sexual activity as foreplay--i.e., leading up to the one thing she wants to avoid. Consequently, she represses her excitement. For the time being, go easy on setting and pursuing sexual goals. Map the terrain, don't conquer it. When she knows her own borders, she will be more likely to open them.

In a previous answer in The Playboy Advisor you mentioned a type of brandy that comes with a whole pear inside the bottle. (The manufacturer apparently ties bottles over each blossom on a pear tree.) I bought some of this brandy, but now I am vexed by one thing. How do I get the pear out?--S. D. S., West Orange, New Jersey.

The pear is there to flavor the brandy; let it be until the bottle is empty. If you want to savor the fruit, use a glass cutter. If you want to save the bottle for your collection of rare glass, use a long, thin knife to section the fruit. Or, better yet, take the worm from the bottom of a bottle of mescal, put it in with the pear and see what happens. If anything does, don't tell anyone.

Have you ever heard of a sexual practice known as "changing water into wine"? My girlfriend asked me if I had ever had it done to or for me. Not really knowing what it was, I answered flippantly that I had not had it done since the days I was an altar boy. She looked at me sort of funny. Did I say the wrong thing?--N. W., Corpus Christi, Texas.

Probably. The water-into-wine trick is yet another variety of that diner's delight--fellatio. The woman fills her mouth with water, then slides her lips around the nearest thing that looks like a swizzle stick. Carefully, so as not to spill a drop, she swirls the water. The motion is that of a connoisseur testing wine or someone using the taste you hate twice a day. The results are substantial. Other beverages can be used--liquors, fruit punches, coffee (pass the cream, please), even wine--although you will have to decide whether the dish deserves a red or a white.

All reasonable questions--from fashion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette--will be personally answered if the writer includes a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The most provocative, pertinent queries will be presented on these pages each month.