How to Do Everything

How to avoid shark bite

Elude 'em. Avoid swimming near concentrations of fish--natural bait for sharks. Avoid dead fish in the water--sharks have good noses. Avoid high-contrast clothing--sharks perceive contrast better than color. Don't splash about near sharks--it reminds them of wounded fish.

On the other hand, don't believe the myth that you're safe swimming in cold water. Few shark attacks have been recorded in water below 65 degrees because few people swim in water below 65 degrees. Shallow water offers little protection if it is close to a deep channel.

Repel 'em. Chemical shark repellents don't word very well. The U. S. Navy uses something called Shark Chaser, a mixture of copper acetate and black dye, developed during World War Two. The copper acetate supposedly reduces shark appetite, while the dye hides the potential victim. Unfortunately, the combination hasn't been effective outside the laboratory.

What does work is a simple camouflage device called Shark Screen. This is nothing more than a dull-colored plastic sack with a flotation collar, big enough for a person to fit inside. Sharks ignore it because it doesn't resemble an ordinary meal. And unlike Shark Chaser, the protection lasts indefinitely.

Scientists at Hebrew University in Israel have another approach in mind. One variety of salt-water fish, the Moses sole, defends against shark attack by emitting a milky liquid toxin. The researchers hope to isolate the active ingredient and adapt it for humans.

Kill 'em. The standard antishark weapon for divers is the bang stick. It's just a long pole with a shotgun shell and trigger device on the business end. Unfortunately (as everybody who saw Jaws knows), the bang stick will stop a big shark only if you nail the beast directly in the brain. Sharks have very small brains.

Other weapons may revolutionize the art. The Shark Dart, carried by Navy divers at Apollo splashdowns, punctures the skin with a hollow steel needle, then fills the shark's gut with compressed gas. Very deadly. An electric dart, also being tested by the Navy, paralyzes the beast with a 30-volt shock. Disadvantage: When the battery wears out, so does the paralysis.

Probably the most appealing antishark weapon yet studied, though, is the porpoise. Porpoises defend their young by ramming predators at high velocity with their thick skulls. The Navy has tried to train them to do the same on behalf of divers. A big problem is getting them angry enough to risk their own hides.

How to Increase Your Height

This is no joke. A study of University of Pittsburgh graduates in 1967 revealed that men over 6'2" had starting salaries 12 percent greater than men under six feet. Even if you subtract the professional athletes from the sample, tall men did better than short men.

Should you need to be a little taller for just a few hours--say, to squeeze past a Civil Service physical--the solution is simple. An average adult is one half to one inch taller at the beginning of the day than at the end. During the day, the spongy disks that separate the vertebrae slowly contract under pressure. Each night, they regain their shape. If you can't schedule the examination for the morning, the next-best thing is to stay flat on your back until the moment of truth. A more radical approach is to stretch your spine by placing your body in traction. Stretching works (for a few hours), but it is a mite dangerous to try on your own.

An alternative offering permanence is to change your posture. The spine is curved into an S shape. If you were to straighten it out, you would end up four inches taller. Now, a perfectly straight back would not be practical--were you to manage such a miracle, there would be no way to stand up. But reducing an unnecessarily exaggerated spinal curvature through exercise may add a full inch to your height.

We won't include the details here--any self-help book on back problems tells what to do--but the idea is simple enough. Exercise can teach you to tuck in your pelvis and flatten the cervical, lumbar and dorsal regions of the spine. The catch, of course, is that the boring exercises must be done faithfully and won't work if you already have a good posture. Better, perhaps, to stick with the guaranteed success of platform shoes.

How to Obtain a Divorce for Under $100

Do-it-yourself divorce kits can be very cheap. A privately marketed "self-divorce" kit sells in Oregon--complete with forms and advice--for $25. (Filing fees are extra.) Similar kits have surfaced in Florida and Michigan.

A divorce kit advertised in New York State sells for $98, including forms and instructions, but tops the limit with court costs of about another $100. New Yorkers seeking cheap divorces might consult How to Get a New York Divorce for Under $100, by C. M. Allen, privately printed but widely available. Allen, who shows how to do it for $97.11, including sales tax, gives specific advice-names and addresses--and establishes beyond doubt that a nonlawyer who wants to can generate all the paper shuffling required for his or her own divorce.

How to Calculate Your Life Expectancy

No, we can't top Jeane Dixon. But if you are between 20 and 65 and are reasonably healthy, this test provides a life-insurance-company's-eye view of the future.

1. Start with 72.

2. Gender. If you are male, subtract 3. If you are female, add 4. (That's right, there's a seven-year spread between the sexes.)

3. Lifestyle. A. If you live in an urban area with a population of more than 2,000,000, subtract 2. If you live in a town of fewer than 10,000 or on a farm, add 2. (City life means pollution, tension.)

B. If you work behind a desk, subtract 3. If your work requires regular, heavy physical labor, add 3.

C. If you exercise strenuously (tennis, running, swimming, etc.) five times a week for at least a half hour, add 4. Two or three times a week, add 2.

D. If you live with a spouse or a friend, add 5. If not, subtract 1 for every ten years alone since the age of 25. (People together eat better, take care of each other, become less depressed.)

4. Psyche. A. Sleep more than ten hours a night? Subtract 4. (Excessive sleep is a sign of depression, circulatory diseases.)

B. Are you intense, aggressive, easily angered? Subtract 3. Are you easygoing, relaxed, a follower? Add 3.

C. Are you happy? Add 1. Unhappy? Subtract 2.

D. Have you had a speeding ticket in the past year? Subtract 1. (Accidents are the fourth-largest cause of death, first in young adults.)

5. Success. A. Earn over $50,000 a year? Subtract 2. (Wealth breeds high living, tension.)

B. If you finished college, add 1. If you have a graduate or a professional degree, add 2 more. (Education seems to lead to moderation; at least that's the theory.)

C. If you are 65 or over and still working, add 3. (Retirement kills.)

6. Heredity. A. If any grandparent lived to 85, add 2. If all four grandparents lived to 80, add 6.

B. If either parent died of a stroke or a heart attack before the age of 50, subtract 4.

C. If any parent, brother or sister under 50 has (or had) cancer or a heart condition, or has had diabetes since childhood, subtract 3.

7. Health. A. Smoke more than two packs a day? Subtract 8. One to two packs? Subtract 6. One half to one? Subtract 3.

B. Drink the equivalent of a quarter bottle of liquor a day? Subtract 1.

C. Overweight by 50 pounds or more? Subtract 8. Thirty to 50 pounds? Subtract 4. Ten to 30 pounds? Subtract 2.

D. Men over 40, if you have annual checkups, add 2. Women, if you see a gynecologist once a year, add 2.

8. Age adjustment. Between 30 and 40? Add 2. Between 40 and 50? Add 3. Between 50 and 70? Add 4. Over 70? Add 5.

It's no fun playing the game unless you know how well you've done. The table below--according to the Bureau of the Census--tells what percentage of the population you will outlive, provided you make it to the specified age.

(continued on page 82)How to do Everything(continued from page 74)

How to Spot Crooked Dice

The key, of course, to cheating at craps is fixing the dice. Craps is a pure gambling game; there's no real skill involved beyond learning the jargon and scanning a probability table in Scarne's Complete Guide to Gambling. One player rolls the dice and you bet on the outcome of each toss or each series of tosses. The only way to win in the long run is to distort the chances of certain combinations. Some possibilities:

Flats. Shaving one side of a die makes it larger than four of the five other sides. Even a difference as small as one five-hundredth of an inch can shift the odds noticeably, though much larger shaves are common. You should be able to spot flat dice by comparing them with a straight edge on a smooth surface.

Bevels and cut edges. If one face of a die bulges slightly in the middle, the chances of landing on that side are reduced. These are called--somewhat misleadingly--bevels. You can accomplish the same objective by sanding some of the edges of the dice at an angle greater than 45 degrees, shrinking the surface area of one side more than the adjacent sides. In both cases, the only way to catch a skillful cheat is to compare two dice. Beveled dice, side by side, wobble. For cut-edge dice, make a similar side-by-side comparison, concentrating your attention on the corners.

Casinos have a stake in preventing any variations in shapes, since they accept bets for or against the player. To guard against switches, the casino may order dice of a special size and color for easy comparison with the dice in play. In any event, dice are changed frequently.

Loaded dice. A bit of extra weight on one side of a die will make the opposite side come up more often than by chance. Even transparent dice can be loaded by secreting tiny lead or gold slugs in the drilled spots, while filling the light-side spots with paint. To test for a load, hold the die in question over a tall glass of water. Drop it carefully and see if it settles to the bottom without rotating on the way down.

Tops. The crudest form of crooked dice, yet the kind favored by professional cheaters. Opposite sides on tops show the same numbers, so each die has only three different numbers instead of six. Since it's possible to see only three sides at once, the professional can substitute tops in play as long as no one else is able to examine them. Tops can be 100 percent winners or percentage winners, depending on how the game is played. Using them, however, takes guts and skill. The mechanic must be prepared to substitute honest dice for tops, or switch kinds of tops, at a moment's notice. Generally, "bust-out" men operate in teams under the protection of, and with extra help provided by, local hoods. If you suspect that you are being taken with tops, stop betting and move on fast. Challenging the integrity of a bust-out artist can be detrimental to the health.

How to Read Your FBI File

The Freedom of Information Act requires Federal agencies to make public all internal documents, unless there is a good reason to keep them secret.

Just write Clarence Kelley, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Washington, D.C. 20535, the following letter:

"Pursuant to the Freedom of Information Act, Title 5, United States Code, Section 552, I hereby request access to...."

Describe as specifically as possible the information you want, naming dates, locations, employers, organizations, etc. The agency may ask for more details--the whole process can take months--but eventually you will see how the FBI spends its annual tithe from Congress.

How to Open a Swiss Bank Account

There is no law against buying Swiss francs, then depositing them in a checking or savings account at a Swiss bank. Most banks require a minimum deposit, usually just $1000.

Among the several hundred private Swiss banks ready to serve foreign accounts, two are particularly convenient, since they have offices or representatives in the United States. These are the Swiss Credit Bank (New York and Los Angeles) and the Swiss Bank Corporation (New York, Chicago, San Francisco and Los Angeles).

One hybrid of the standard Swiss account is a Swiss-franc deposit in a bank outside the borders of Switzerland. Swiss controls designed to discourage foreigners naturally don't apply--no limit on account size, no interest ceiling, no withholding taxes on earnings. The Bankhaus Deak in Vienna solicits such franc savings accounts and pays high interest rates, to boot. Its New York office (Deak-Perera International, 41 East 42nd Street) will provide details and the necessary forms. A similar deal can be worked with Lloyds International Bank, but customers must apply in London.

Perhaps a better question than how to is why one should open a Swiss account. The payoff is supposed to be security and privacy. Certainly, Swiss banks are unlikely to default on their deposit liabilities. But then, neither are American banks protected by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. The Swiss franc is one of the world's most stable currencies, because the Swiss are willing to pay any price to avoid inflation. As financial conservatives are happy to tell you, the dollar value of the franc has increased by about 40 percent in the past five years.

This does not mean, though, that Swiss francs can never depreciate against the plain old dollar. Many economists believe that the dollar is a great bargain in foreign-currency markets, suggesting that betting on further franc appreciation is, at best, risky.

Swiss banks are justly famous for guarding the privacy of their depositors. Whether or not you request the protection of a numbered account, as a matter of good business and government policy, your secrets will be safe from credit agencies, corporate spies and the like. On the other hand, the secrecy laws will not save you from the FBI or the IRS if it can be shown that you have used the account to hide activities that are illegal under Swiss law. Hiding shady transactions from the SEC is OK. Committing fraud--as Edith Irving discovered--is not. Should you decide to use an account for extralegal purposes, deal directly with the bank in Switzerland. Branches of Swiss banks in the United States must report large transactions to the Feds.

Balancing the legendary virtues of Swiss accounts are some less heralded vices. Let's assume you live and work in the United States. That means you pay rent and grocery bills in dollars. If you earn dollars, convert them to francs for safekeeping and then reconvert them back to dollars for spending, the round trip will cost one or two percent in foreign-exchange fees. In addition, Swiss savings accounts pay lower interest rates than their American counterparts; it's probable that you will lose two to three percent a year that way. If you have a large account, the financial penalties are even more dramatic. To discourage speculators, the Swiss ban any interest payments on foreign-owned accounts of more than 50,000 francs. They have also been known to tax these large accounts as much as 12 percent a year during speculative runs against the dollar and the pound.

How to Change Your Name

Some names are losers. Research studies have shown (honest) that teachers give consistently lower grades to Percys and Ednas than to Peters and Lisas. And later on, when Percy applies for that lumberjack job, chances are he'll be shunned in favor of John or Michael--employers avoid applications with names that make them uncomfortable.

Should you have a reason, practical or aesthetic, for dropping your name, the simplest way is to just stop using it. Apply for a driver's license, register to vote and pay your taxes with a new name. After some minor hassles, the new name should stick. There is no law against calling yourself whatever you like, unless the idea is to fool creditors or elude the cops.

If you have qualms about changing overnight from Viola Bow to Nancy (continued on page 187)How to do Everything(continued from page 82) Smith without legal sanction, it's pretty easy to make the switch official in front of a judge. Though the details differ from state to state, a formal name change is rarely complicated enough to require a lawyer. Apply through the clerk's office of the local probate, surrogate or superior court--a few phone calls should be enough to find the right place. After filing a set of forms, you will be granted your day (more likely, your minute) in court.

Almost everyone who goes to the bother of the statutory procedure succeeds, though there are exceptions. In Massachusetts, a judge refused a request to adopt the name Cabot; the other Cabots, it seems, protested.

How to Cure Insomnia

Pills. Dozens of chemicals, swallowed or injected in sufficient quantity, will knock you out for eight hours. None of them, unfortunately, is likely to also provide a decent night's rest.

Probably the best of a bad lot are tranquilizers called benzodiazepines (Valium, Librium, Dalmane). Taken in small doses, they reduce insomnia-causing anxiety without doing massive damage to the sleep cycle. And while it may be possible to become addicted to them, tolerance buildup is very slow. Side effects are rare but not unheard of.

Home remedies. Surprisingly, there is evidence that warm milk really does work. Milk and, for that matter, most protein-rich foods contain tryptophan, the closest thing yet to nature's own sleep potion. Large doses have, at the very least, a mild sedative effect and actually encourage the kind of sleep thought to be most refreshing. Along with tryptophan, a score of amino acids are thought to induce sleep. No one is prepared to prescribe amino acids for insomnia--when barbiturates were introduced, they were hailed as the perfect drugs. You are welcome to dose yourself, however, with a bedtime snack.

Stimulus control. Fear of insomnia is self-fulfilling. The more worried you become about getting to sleep, the less chance you have for success.

Now, advising people to stop worrying is about as useful as telling people to stop breathing. But it is possible to break the association of worry with sleep. The first rule is: Never lie awake for more than 30 minutes. If you can't sleep, don't try. Get up and read or watch a Pat O'Brien movie on the tube. No matter how long it takes to get to sleep this way, don't reset the alarm. A few three-hour nights won't hurt.

Sleep clinics. If warm milk and calm thought don't work, the sleep clinic is a last resort.

Usually, the solution is straightforward, since most insomniacs who make it to a clinic are not suffering from neurological diseases. EEG recordings can provide proof of drug-ruined sleep or prove to a skeptic that he or she actually does get enough rest. The most extreme treatment for diehards is psychotherapy to find out what really is wrong.

Less ambitious approaches include hypnosis and biofeedback training. Hypnosis is much older, but the concept behind biofeedback is much the same. The key is to learn to relax. Under hypnosis, post-hypnotic suggestion cues the subject to think clean thoughts as head meets pillow. With biofeedback devices, patients are taught to recognize, and then imitate, the tranquil, half-awake stage that occurs naturally before sleep. The special attraction of biofeedback is the ease with which people learn the technique--transcendental meditation without the guru.

How to Pitch to Henry Aaron

Why a salary-conscious veteran would ever pitch to Bad Henry, rather than pitch around him--that's the real question. Nevertheless, with the bases loaded, F.O.B. (Full of Braves or Brewers), conventional baseball wisdom decrees it moronic to walk in the run, especially with a Mathews on deck and an Adcock in the dugout.

A right-handed thrower should be on the mound; keeping a southpaw in the game reduces your percentages. Preferably, the pitcher should have a herky-jerky motion like Luis Tiant. He should come from the side or, at the very least, three quarters rather than from the top. Still, no one has ever accused Aaron of bailing out.

Being the premier fastball hitter--ask Drysdale--Aaron must be fed a steady diet of junk. Slow curves, change-ups and occasionally a hard slider. Water or petroleum jelly also helps. Work the corners, keeping the ball low in the strike zone, never around the letters. While Aaron hits well to all fields, recently he has become a notorious pull hitter. Despite those quick wrists, keep the ball on the outside corner. Do not get behind on the count. At 2--0 or 3--1, Aaron will guess fastball, still most pitchers' safety pitch. Since his initial blast off Vic Raschi in 1954, Aaron has guessed right more than 714 times.

How to Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too

Lytton Strachey, the British biographer and man of letters, was compelled to defend his conscientious objection to World War One before a military-draft tribunal. Attempting to trap the pacifist, one of the inquisitors demanded to know what he would do if he saw a German soldier trying to violate his sister.

Strachey's reply: "I should try and interpose my own body."

How to Retire on $500 a Month

Believe it or not, there are still places in the world where $500 a month is sufficient to live well, though not luxuriously. The trick is finding one that welcomes Americans and can accommodate their lifestyle. Some of the nicest countries--Tahiti, for example--have decided to save paradise for the natives, while others can't offer foreigners amenities such as modern medical care or reasonable public sanitation.

Additional considerations: U. S. citizens living abroad must pay taxes on income earned in the United States. This means you may have to pay taxes twice--once to Uncle Sam and once to your retirement country. Some places have negligible income taxes, however, or have reciprocal agreements with the United States to fleece you just one time around. The IRS publishes a Tax Guide for U. S. Citizens Abroad that lays out the alternatives.

Roughing it. One of the most pleasant spots to disappear to at any price is Greece. The cost of living (in dollars) is as low there as anywhere in Europe. After the initial expense ($25,000) of a simple house, $400 to $500 a month should suffice for suburban life near Athens. Move to the Greek islands and housing, food and service costs decline dramatically, but middle-class living is hardly possible. Telephones, cars and electricity are expensive or unavailable. Nowhere outside Athens are you likely to find English spoken. The 20,000 U. S. citizens living there today are largely returned Greek--born, first-generation Americans.

Portugal and Ireland, two other popular destinations, are difficult for people on limited incomes. Medical care is inexpensive in both, but transportation and food can be steep. The trick to beating high prices is to live in small towns, away from the modern world. If you can deal with the isolation, life can be very comfortable.

The big disadvantage to Ireland, of course, is the weather. The mild, western portion of the island is perpetually cloudy and damp, while the drier (not dry) east has 60-degree summers and 40-degree winters. For Portugal, the big problems are politics and language. How welcome you will be, or how long you will remain welcome, is unclear. Few Americans can complain, though, about the attitude of the Portuguese they see each day on the streets or in the shops.

Living well. Tens of thousands of Americans live in Mexico, most in expatriate colonies in the big cities. The days of the Cuernavaca villa with three servants on $200 a month are long gone, but the compromises needed to live modestly on $500 a month are still small. If you do not wish to rough it in a fishing village, the best bet is Guadalajara: lots of Americans to keep you company, low-priced apartments with standard conveniences. Mexico City and the great resort areas also have American colonies, but housing costs are unacceptably high. Mexico is fairly casual about permitting foreigners to bring in automobiles duty-free.

Morocco also caters well to American tastes on a budget. Most of the country is incredibly poor and underdeveloped. Big exceptions are the cities booming with tourism and the new phosphate-export wealth. Tangier is probably the best place for retirees. It has a large quarter populated by Europeans and Americans, sophisticated urban living and modern housing. Best of all, Spain is just a ferry ride away across the Strait of Gibraltar.

If you don't mind going a long, long way, New Zealand could meet your needs. The place is very quiet, very conservative; pure 19th Century provincial England, plus scenery. It helps to be fond of sheep. Housing, food and medical care are substantially less than in the States. Perhaps even more important, luxuries are not missed, because no one seems to have any. Climate can be a drawback; the colder of the two large islands has long winters.

The ethnic route. Many eastern European countries--Yugoslavia, Poland, Hungary--officially welcome apolitical first-generation Americans who want to return home to retire. Depending upon how much you and your dollars are wanted, the economics of the arrangement can be very attractive--virtually free housing and medical care (as for everyone else), special access to Western luxuries in exchange for Western currencies. The drawback, naturally, is the uncertain status of non-Communist foreigners. Privileged guests today may find themselves unprivileged tomorrow. Such a move should be carefully researched, first with a visit to the foreign consulate in the United States, then with a trip abroad to talk to resident Americans and U.S.-consulate bureaucrats.

How to Keep a Pipe Lit

Ask a pro, like William Vargo of Swartz Creek, Michigan. By virtue of keeping 3.3 grams (about one tenth of an ounce) of cube-cut Burley tobacco lit continuously for two hours, six minutes and 39 seconds, Vargo won the 1975 World Pipe Smoking Contest. That, by the way, is one minute, 32 seconds over the record in the International Association of Pipe Smokers' Clubs (I.A.P.S.C.) competition, set in 1954 by Max Igree of Flint, Michigan.

Endurance techniques vary, with experts split between the even-surface burn and the slow-spreading corner burn. Corner-burn types must accept the risk of early flame-out--rules prohibit relighting after the first 60 seconds of a contest. Tamping, to maintain high density, is, of course, accepted practice.

One foreign technique--starting with less than a full 3.3-gram load and adding to the bowl as time passes--can generate spectacular results. Using the gradual-fill method, Yrjö Pentikäinen of Finland kept his pipe alight for four hours, 11 minutes and 28 seconds. I.A.P.S.C. officials disallow this alien technique and point out that Pentikäinen employed stringy, slow-burn tobacco, rather than regulation cube-cut.

How to Lose Weight in Style

Tired of broccoli and broiled-chicken dinners? Too smart to fall for the low-carbohydrate, high-fat route to hardened arteries? Too lazy to jog five miles a day? You are in luck--there really is a better way.

Just set aside two weeks (and a few thousand dollars) to make the pilgrimage to Eugénie-les-Bains (write 40320 Geaune), a tiny town in south-central France. Eugénie-les-Bains is the site of a splendid resort hotel, Les Prés et les Sources d'Eugénie, offering its guests all the standard luxuries--restored belle époque interiors, tennis, indoor and outdoor pools, manicured gardens. But what makes Les Prés so special is its dining room, the only great French restaurant in the world dedicated to dieters.

The genius behind this enterprise is Michel Guérard, one of the new breed of French chefs whose styles are marked by simplicity and restraint. Guérard became famous in the late Sixties as the proprietor of Le Pot au Feu, a bistro tucked between grimy warehouses in a Parisian suburb that recently fell prey to urban renewers.

Rather than reopen in a more accessible neighborhood, Guérard chose to move operations to Eugénie. His own weight problem and the desires of the clientele--Eugénie is an old mineral-water spa where cityfolk traditionally come to pay their dues-inspired the new dieters' menu. The three-course lunches and dinners (about ten dollars) never contain more than 500 calories yet never give the slightest hint of compromise. Exactly how Guérard does it is a trade secret, but some of the tricks are fairly transparent. Butter, flour and sugar have been banished; sauces are thickened with finely blended low-fat cheeses or puréed vegetables. Meats, fish and vegetables are all superfresh and sparingly cooked.

A couple of weeks of Guérard's painless regimen, combined with tennis and swimming, should knock off from five to ten pounds--plenty to cover a year's worth of martinis and Sara Lee.

How to Trace Your Family Tree

It's not like knowing where you are going, but knowing where you came from can be a comfort. Should you get the urge, there are two ways to begin.

Do it yourself. Genealogy is mostly hard work. If you have plenty of time and are not too ambitious, a few hundred letters, a few months in libraries and a few trips to Washington should be sufficient. The place to start, of course, is personal family records--old letters, diaries, Bibles. For American genealogy, 1880 is the watershed. State and local records (registrations of births, deaths, marriages, divorces, wills) are reasonably accurate and complete since that date but of much less value for earlier years.

If you know that your ancestors arrived in the United States before 1880, it makes sense to look first in the National Archives. They contain vast quantities of 19th Century records: manuscripts of the U. S. Census dating back to 1790, war records, naturalization documents, ships' passenger lists, deeds of public-land sales. The Guide to Genealogical Records in the National Archives (order it for $1.65 from the U. S. Government Printing Office, Washington, D.C. 20402) provides details. To find out much, the chances are good that a personal visit to the Archives in Washington will be needed. The Archives' staff is prepared, though, to process some requests by mail.

Other sources provide specialized information. The D.A.R. maintains more than 200,000 files on members' lineage, which, naturally, date back to the Revolution. Military-draft records from World War One can be obtained from the Federal Records Center in East Point, Georgia. The genealogical collection amassed by the Mormon Church, largely based on hard-to-find state and local records, is open to the public in Salt Lake City, Utah. Old newspaper indexes are valuable, especially the Boston Evening Transcript for the years 1876--1923. The Transcript and others are preserved by the Library of Congress in Washington.

The compleat genealogist must learn to be suspicious. Beware of collections of biographical sketches and photographs contributed by subscribers. These "mug" books stuff the shelves of every genealogical library and, although some are accurate, more are self-serving or carelessly compiled. Note, too, the casual name spellings and descriptions of family relationships in 19th Century sources. Brother, for example, can mean brother-in-law, stepbrother or even fellow church member. For records before 1752, dates can also be confusing. Often two dates, the Gregorian and the unreformed, are cited. If you get this far, invest in one of the handbooks for amateur genealogists. Gilbert Doane's Searching for Your Ancestors is first-rate.

Hire a pro. Answer one of those little ads in the back of a magazine and you are likely to get a few made-up paragraphs on the origin of your name, assurances that you are descended from Charlemagne and a bill for $200. Reliable genealogists advertise rarely, except in research journals, such as Genealogical Helper, The American Genealogist, New England Historical and Genealogical Register and New York Genealogical and Biographical Record. The Board for the Certification of Genealogists (1307 New Hampshire Avenue, N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036) keeps lists of reliable professionals, broken down by specialty.

Expect to pay $10 to $25 per hour for the service, with a minimum of $200 to $500. Should you get very serious, the final bill can end up ten times that high. Tracing ancestry back to Europe is particularly expensive. Remember, it's cricket to shop around for estimates and compare prices.

How to Tell When It's Your Turn

Every person has a time and, possibly, a prime. To find out when you're due--at least according to a sociologist who looked it up--consult the chart below.

How to Leave the Hospital in Better Shape Than You Entered

Your greatest risk is from a blood or plasma transfusion. Both whole blood and the pale-yellow fluid component of blood called plasma carry hepatitis viruses if the donor ever had the disease. Every year 50,000 patients contract hepatitis from transfusions; about 1000 of them don't leave the hospital alive.

Your only certain protection is to demand (in writing) that the hospital substitute synthetic plasma expander for the real thing whenever medically feasible. Plasma expander is just sterile salt solution. In most cases, it performs the main task of plasma or whole-blood transfusions, adding liquid volume to bring blood pressure back to normal. Using plasma expander may slow recovery by a day or two--the organic components of natural plasma must be regenerated. But the insurance is worth that price. And as a bonus, you save money. Hospitals nail you for plasma at the rate of $50 to $100 a pint. Plasma expander is just clean salt water.

How to Skinny-Dip in Peace

Here, it all depends on what you want. Legal nudity has been around a lot longer than the sexual revolution, so the average nudist club is still strictly a family affair. No alcohol, no drugs; check your lust in the locker room, please. There's nothing wrong with a little clean living, of course, and it does avoid misunderstandings. So if you don't mind the church-social/outing-club atmosphere of most, the old-fashioned sunbathing clubs may be for you.

Finding them is easy, since many belong to one or more of the national nudist organizations. The biggest (and most conservative) of these, The American Sunbathing Association (810 North Mills Avenue, Orlando, Florida), will come up with a list of affiliates for the asking. Facilities tend to be Spartan, in keeping with the ascetic image. Some clubs nick you for a membership fee--rarely very much, though. Singles (particularly males) are generally unwelcome, as are visitors who would rather watch than join.

Suppose volleyball and barbecues don't turn you on. What's left? Dozens of clubs and private resorts have sprung up in the past decade that cater to younger folks with fewer (or at least different) inhibitions. Many are where you'd expect to find them--in California--but a surprising number can be found in the heartland.

The ambience varies enormously, from Grossinger's-without-clothes to strictly X-rated. Dick Drost's Naked City put Rose Lawn, Indiana, on the map with annual Miss Nude World and Miss Nude Teenybopper contests. Between beauty pageants, when upright citizens of Chicago and Indianapolis aren't ogling contestants (spectators pay $15 for the privilege), Naked City keeps sun lovers busy with ping-pong, swimming, ice skating, archery, sauna and much, much more. Should you so desire, the Treehouse Fun Ranch in San Bernardino, California, will accommodate a yen to sky-dive in the buff. You must, however, wear a parachute. More typically, the new-style nude resorts are like the old-style but without all the rules. Singles are accepted, if not encouraged. Drinking is permitted--in fact, the bar probably supports the rest of the enterprise. Swingers coexist with straights.

If you don't want to go to the trouble of finding your own place in the sun, V.I.B. (figure it out for yourself) Tours (244 East 46th Street, New York, New York 10017) sells packaged vacations. Destinations include tolerant Caribbean islands and nearby beaches, as well as nude resorts.

For all this organized activity, it is still possible to find places where you can legally take a plunge au naturel without joining a club, booking a tour or entering the Nude Olympics. By far the nicest are in Europe, on Yugoslavia's Adriatic coast and on the French Riviera. Yugoslavia, eager for tourists, happily accommodates travelers who wish to alternate their days between sight-seeing in the medieval city-states along the coast and purer forms of hedonism. Try the beaches on the island of Hvar, where Marshal Tito maintains a summer home, or those near Zadar.

French police permit casual, unorganized nudity to flourish on the isolated Ile du Levant and topless sunbathers to mingle with the crowds all along the Côte d'Azur. Lately, it has become chic to show everything in St.-Tropez. One real-estate developer is building a posh nude resort farther down the Mediterranean coast near Spain, with condominiums to purchase or lease by the month. Write to Club Nature Sogenat, Port Nature, 34300 Cap d'Agde, France.

Closer and cheaper, both American coasts have their share of nude beaches. The U. S. Park Service officially claims neutrality on the subject but in practice bans skinny-dipping on park property when enough people complain. The California coast between San Francisco and San Diego is loaded with public beaches. Among the prettiest are Gaviota Beach north of Santa Barbara, Black's Beach in La Jolla and San Gregorio north of Santa Cruz. Trouble is, it's hard to predict from month to month where you will be safe from harassment by the police. As a rule, nudity is tolerated until it becomes too popular to ignore. Check things out ahead, unless you yearn to have your name on a Supreme Court case. On the East Coast, the best free beaches are in Massachusetts (Truro. Zach's in Martha's Vineyard) and New York (Fire Island). The same warnings apply.

A final choice for catching rays in absolute privacy: The Pavilions and Pools Hotel on St. Thomas, U. S. Virgin Islands, offers individual pavilions for two to four, each with a small pool in a walled courtyard. The maid comes only when invited.

How to Get an Audience with the Pope

It's next to impossible to get a private audience with Pope Paul VI. Not only is the pontiff aging but he is enormously busy. Private audiences are reserved for Church and religious leaders, heads of state and occasional secular celebrities. Henry Kissinger stops in often on his way to Cairo or Damascus; less exciting but more frequent courtesy calls are made by the U.S. Ambassador to Italy. Betty Friedan was among those Americans who did secure a private meeting--Ms. Friedan gave the Pope a medallion of the women's movement and he gave her a bronze religious medal.

For the rest of us, there are general audiences held most Wednesdays. Admission to general audiences is arranged in Rome through the Bishops' Office for U. S. Visitors to the Vatican. These audiences last about an hour and include hundreds, sometimes thousands, of pilgrims and travelers who meet in the new audience hall on the south side of St. Peter's or, in summer, in St. Peter's Square. Every year about 60,000 Americans make it to these general audiences--we're the best-represented nationality, after the Italians.

Plan ahead for admission to a general audience. Most visitors are announced to the Bishops' Office, and its head, the Reverend Monsignor William Fleming, by letters from their local bishops. Travel agents who include a papal audience in their tour of Rome also work through Monsignor Fleming. It's possible, however, just to wander in off the street (the Via dell'Umiltà in downtown Rome) and apply to the Bishops' Office. Monsignor Fleming submits a list to the Vatican every Friday for the following Wednesday's audience, and passes are issued through the office of the Prefecture of the Papal Household.

If you make it to a general audience, you'll hear the Pope speak and perhaps--if you're very lucky--shake his hand or, if you are a Roman Catholic, kiss his ring. But if you don't, you can still get a glimpse of him in the window of his Vatican apartment. He's there every Sunday he's in town, and at noon he waves and gives his traditional blessing to the crowd in the piazza.

How to Get Away From It All

The Scott Meadows Club offers a home far away from home in the case of nuclear attack, world-wide famine or the election of Spiro Agnew. In return for an immodest down payment and modest dues, Scott Meadows will set aside your own family cabin on its 700-acre retreat somewhere in the High Sierras of California. The club's exact location is privileged information--guests are taken in blindfolded--to ensure security in case of apocalypse.