Highs & Lows

Top Score:

In a touch series of contract matches, it was Stevie Wonder over Motown with 13,000,000 points at $1 per point--an all-time high.

Top Score for a Non-Player: While his dad was out fooling around with Henry, Jack Ford stayed home, hard at work on earning our Groupie of the Year Award. Did he win? Has Bianca Jagger boon in your house lately?

Extra Ball: Our Lazarus Award goes to Eric Clapton--who had for a while been shooting more than the sherifs--for rejoining the living on his E.C. Was Here album, his best in too many years.

How Long has this beengoing on? For the tenth consecutive year, which retires the trophy, the winner of our Dorian Gray Look-A like Contest is Dick Clark.

Rocky Mountain Hype: A quart of high-grade kerosene and two flicks of our Bic to Charlie Rich, who had the honor of announcing the Entertainer of the Year on the Country Music Awards show. When he opened the sealed envelope and saw that John Denver had won, Charlie, acting for mute millions of us, showed how thrilled he was with the choice by setting fire to the card. Burn on, Big Charlie. Cher's father vs. Cher wasn't bad, and we liked Sonny vs. David Geffen a lot, too--but Mrs. Iris Schirmer vs. Elton John was a lawsuit to conjure with. As Elton's ex-landlady, Mrs. Schirmer claims that he did considerable damage to the house she had leased to him--and maintains that it will cost her $20,000 to repair the damage. She's asking an additional $50,000 for rent lost. Among 78 official charges are • Holes in the walls and floors • A ruined hand-woven rug • Many antiques scratched or damaged • A $400 ping-pong table smashed • Door to the master bedroom destroyed • A broken washbasin bowl and its gold-handled faucets • A planter with no tray underneath placed on a $10,000 virgin-wool rug and, our favorite • Stains everywhere. Elton leased the home for $3500 per month and was its first tenant. The fantastic captain is countersuing, but specifics are not known. Dick Grant, Elton's publicity agent, maintains Mrs. Schirmer's claims are ludicrous. And to Nils Lofgren, a President Ford Physical Fitness Award for hitting himself in the eye with his own guitar. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the instrument, etc.

Luck My Decals off, Baby

The record industry responded to the vinyl shortage by going into the textile and religious-accessories businesses. It was the year of the wash-'n'-wear rock star; four-color graphicart transfers make it possible to wear your fave rave anywhere, and genuine tour T-shirts--became the "in" thing.

The Boots in Mouth Award goes to David Allen Coe, the Mysterious Rhinestoned whatever, who said he offed a fellow inmate for making advances. So much for glitter c&w.

In a business as full of talent, hype, megabucks and folly as the music business is, choosing the year's Highs & Lows isn't a task fit for man or beast. Well, maybe beast. We consulted the Pinball Lizard, he looked deep into his Crystal Bally, and here we go. Ladies, kindly remove yours hats. The Lizard's only double winner this year was Cher. There wasn't much question that she and Gregg would cop the coveted Third-Rate Romance Award, but then the Liz found out she'd had all her underarm hair plucked out, and that seemed beyond the call of duty enough for her to capture the elusive Best Pits Award as well. And he suggested that we salute the Session Mafia--those nameless, faceless wonders who show up and get the job done, quietly, on everybody's records. Like New York's Chuck Rainey, Bernard Purdie and Eric J. Gale; Chicago's Philip Upchurch; Nashville's Vassar Clements; Memphis' Willie Mitchell and Steve Cropper; New Orleans' Allen Toussaint and his bayou gang; Los Angels' Tom Scott, Melvin Ragin, James Burton, Carl Radle, Jim Keltner and Ed Greene; and fiddlers Harry Lookofsky and Gene Orloff. All monsters who can take your wildest musical dreams and help turn them into real-life chart busters. Obviously rock 'n' roll is safely in the hands of turkeys--so why do we still listen? Perhaps we can learn something from the revelation of the Reverend Charles Boykin (as reported in the March Playboy Forum--see all the good stuff you missed?). The Baptist minister claimed that of 1000 girls who became pregnant out of wedlock, 984 committed fornication to rock music. The other 16 probably had great personalities.

The Human Jukebox

Meet Grimes Poznikoy. Insert one unfolded dollar bill into the appropriate slot and he will play his trumpet for you. Who needs Ticketron, right?

"Speak Up!"

"My Ears are Bleeding!"

"That concert was a mindfuck!" "Wha?" "That Concert was...." Last year, rock got so lud you couldn't hear yourself think--but then why would you want to? Top honors--a platinum blown fuse--go to ZZ Top.

How much do I have to pay to keep from going through all this twice?

Our Rock Treadmill Award--a gold-plated pasture patty from Caribou Ranch--goes to those Wonderbread Wunderkinder, John Denver and Elton John, for turning out the same record over and over and over.

Eat My Album

Honors for the year's sexiest album cover go to the Ohio Players. And we bet you thought we were going to say Carly Simon?

Golden Fist Award

This year's Fist Award goes to John Bonham of Led Zep, who took on the bouncer at L.A.'s Rainbow Bar after a few too many rounds, and--you guessed it--went down like the proverbial heavy metal balloon.

10-Year Stripes

Chevrons on their tenth anniversaries as music makers, rabble rousers and mind shapers go to Dylan, Zappa, Slick, Garcia and all the Sixties' survivors.

S.L.S. Playlist or number one with a Bullet

Tania's Top 20 included albums by Gregg Allman, Jackson Browne, Big Brother, Tim Buckley, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Flying Burrito Brothers, Ry Cooder, Joe Cocker, Judy Collins, Dianne Davidson, Bob Dylan, Arlo Guthrie, Carole King, Country Joe McDonald, Randy Newman, Linda Ronstadt, Leon Russell, Earl Scruggs and Jethro Tull. What? No Helen Reddy?

20-Year Stripes[

Chevrons supreme: They said rock 'n' roll would never last, but Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley, Little Richard, James Brown and Elvis Presley all made their first records in 1955. (Ray Charles and Fats Domino started six years earlier.) So did Pat Boone--who survives, but not as a rock-'n'-roller.

The Revolution will not be Televised because the Sony just went out the window

Rumor has it that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest was filmed at the Continental Hyatt House on Sunset Strip. Nicknamed the Riot House, the hotel is a test site for terminal road madness, crative vandalism and/or interior redecorating. For example, the members of Led Zeppelin reduced one set of rooms to kindling, apologized, then tossed a TV set out of a tenth-floor window. They must have been watching Don Kirshner's reock awards. You can always tell when one of the big groups is in residence--there's an ambulance and a paddy wagon about three cars back in the cab stand.

Scaling the Barricades

For bravely swimming upstream with songs of commitment in these apathetic times, Gil Scott-Heron easily wins our coveted salmon award.

Toy of the year

The Stick, by Emmett Chapman, looks like a bodyless guitar but plays more like a piano.

Best Boots

The Kick Ass Award for best boots goes to rehabilitated ex-con Merle Haggard, the Okie from Muskogee who turned 21 in prison.

God Squad

In the beginning was the beat. White singers stole it from black Gospet groups, and created rock 'n' roll. Twenty years later, they went back for the rest. George Harrison, Santana, The Osmonds, Seals & Crofts, Billy Preston, and Bachman-Turner Overdrive found God, as did all of Nashville and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Sleeper of the year

Sneakin, Sally Through the Alley, by Robert Palmer.

Best Singles

The best single of the year was probably by Joe Morgan in the ninth inning of the last World Series game, but Dylan came pretty close with Hurricane.

Others include Wild-fire, My Little Town, Third-Rate Romance, Who Loves you, and Whiskey River.

Worst Singles

Singles-that-Made-Us-Want-to-Murder-Our-Loved-Ones include Thank God I'm a Country Boy, I Write the Songs, How Long, I Honestly Love You and Harry Truman.

Triangle of the year

Glen Campbell winds up with best friend Mac Davis' wife, Sarah. What do you expect from a country-and-western singer?