Weakness

Weakness corrupts and absolute weakness corrupts absolutely.

--Lord Acton's Valet

As Nietzsche was writing about the "will to power," his younger brother, Alf, was writing about the "will to hide under the bed and whimper." Alf Nietzsche summed up the secret wish of all men--to be weak and snivelish. To bend in a moderate-to-strong wind. To shudder and shake like a Jell-O mold. To faint at horror pictures.

With power goes responsibility, and that in itself is frightening. It means being last off a sinking ship, first in the face of enemy fire. To accept power is to accept the imminence of your own destruction. To accept weakness is to accept that you may be called a noodle and have your lunch overturned.

If you want weakness, it is yours. You may have to beg and whine, you may have to become a great big sissy, but once you have it, you'll never have to go down into a dark basement to check out a mysterious noise.

The Weakness game

Weakness is a game. You don't understand it until the rules are carved on your chest.

--Noel Coward's Older, Brother, Big Coward

Weakness is just like any other game. There are rules, (continued on page 168) Weakness(continued from page 121) there are players, there are winners and losers. The games go on all the time, everywhere. You play with your wife (if she lets you), you play with your boss, with your neighbor, with the guy who reroutes your intestine for taking his parking place. How well you play the game will determine the true degree of your weakness.

Hello, I Have Asthma!

The more a person knows about you, the more vulnerable you are to him. The bright weakling will tell all, in detail. He chooses that person who is in the best position to crush him and then he spills the beans.

Moe is a 48-year-old junior executive with a Fairbanks, Alaska, swimming-pool company. He let out all of his secrets to his employer during a three-day speech. "I told Nick about my drinking problem, my mallard fetish, the sodomy rap I took during the war."

In this game, as in life, when the going gets tough, the weak head for the nearest closet. You're a winner if you follow the rules and always kiss and tell or, if you're the adventurous type, probe rudely with the thumb and tell.

Waiter, There Are Only Three Flies in My Soup!

In this game, you must be willing to take whatever you are given. You offer no resistance, no back talk, no complaint. Like a saint, you smile as that mugger takes his time deciding whether to hit you with a brick or with a piece of pipe.

The winners in this game not only take what is given to them but, through projection of their weakness, solicit terrible treatment. As an example, you walk into a butcher's shop and ask for a pound of chicken legs. If the butcher gives you half a pound of last week's necks, you're doing all right. However, if he wrestles a pig knuckle from the dog and wraps it up for you, you're a pro.

The Weak Spot

As important as the work a man does is where he does his work. Is he invisible? Out of touch with other workers? Have the employees set up a memorial fund?

While the ordinary man will seek an outer office, a corner office at best, the weakling looks for that out-of-the-way place--the duplicating room, the freight elevator, the ladies' room.

Once he has found his place, he must work to isolate himself within that space. Sitting on the floor behind the desk is good, wrapping himself in brown paper and lying in a corner is better. Having himself sewn into the upholstery of a couch is ideal.

Weakness at the Office Party

Weakness becomes very evident at the office party. In this situation, relationships are more casual, inhibitions are left behind and truer pictures of the office personalities surface.

By observing the positions people take in the room, you can easily assess their weakness. A somewhat weak person will stand in a corner, a weaker person will hide beneath the coats and the weakest will enter through the kitchen and help prepare the hors d'oeuvres.

Come right in and sit on my Face!

The weak man has the ability to make himself feel uncomfortable and his visitors feel at home. He relinquishes his territory and makes himself the interloper.

This quality is particularly helpful during business meetings and negotiating sessions. Let us say you are involved in a series of important talks concerning a union contract. The union wants a pay increase; your company wants to give them, instead, hats with their names on them. The union leader walks into your office. He is in your territory and at a decided disadvantage. You spring into action, offering the man your chair, desk, telephone and American Express card. You throw yourself onto the floor and roll under his foot, placing it firmly against your neck. Begin your discussions. You are virtually guaranteed a defeat.

The look of Weakness

There are those who have a natural propensity for wielding weakness. Some have even been born with the look of weakness.

It isn't necessary to be three feet tall and built like a haberdasher, but there are certain repulsive little signs that indicate weakness--a pair of crossed eyes, wet, cold hands, a presence that suggests you would have trouble competing for attention against a comatose squirrel.

It is possible to develop some of these signs and even to take on the idiosyncrasies that will make you the center of hatred in any group, but nothing can replace that combination of embarrassing lack of self-control and the knack for repelling people that natural weaklings have.

It helps to have one feature of the body that is totally without definition--a lack of chin, an elusive penis, extremely low cheeks (below the neck), tiny piggish eyes. It is also helpful to have skin that resembles oatmeal in tone and texture.

You may not think that there is anything you can do to your face short of running it through a garlic press, but that's not true. You can develop facial expressions. Try looking in the mirror and saying, in a dull pained voice, "She's my gal, but if you insist, you can take her out in the alley. By the way, she likes it if you take off your socks." If your eyes are not blinking, beads of perspiration are not breaking out all over your body and your tongue is not hanging out, you probably don't really believe that you are weak. By practicing, you will, in time, be able to perfect a shifty, timid, nervous gaze that will inspire people to yank your tie and mess up your hair.

The Weaklings!

Elmer Winkie is the unsuccessful head of a dying division of a near bankrupt conglomerate. He is the son of a billionaire industrialist. He worked his way from the top to the bottom in six short years. While still in his 60s, he took over the reins of his present company and within six months had it operating deeply in the red.

I met Elmer at the Gary Women's Club, of which he is a member. When I waved to him, he dashed into a closet and began shrieking. When I was finally able to persuade him to come out, he shook like jelly on a vibrator. I asked him what weakness meant to him. He fainted. A weak man, indeed!

Nick Spikes is a shell-shocked Marine who came into his weakness after a hand grenade went off in his hip pocket. His home was typical of the weak. Bullet-proof glass, guard dogs (guard-dog guard dogs in the event the guard dogs attack), bowls of dry toast and milk glasses at every angle and a large sandbox. Every few moments, he invited me to kick sand in his face, which I did, with a certain glee. "I don't want to sound immodest, but when I'm around, I bring out the power in people. It's uncanny. I've had preschoolers run me around like a slave. I've been attacked by bread mold. It seems to run in my family. My father was mugged by Gandhi."

I felt the awesome magnetism that Nick possessed. When we concluded our conversation, I could not resist slapping him senseless.

Sex and Weakness

I kinda like going last at the gang bangs. There isn't so much noise.

--Low-Ranking Motorcycle-Gang Member

The sexuality of the weak is best described in the erotic classic The Naked Snack, when the hero, after bringing his lover to a dramatic climax, forgoes his pleasure to sweep out his lover's basement and wax her car. His pleasure comes from submission. The weak use sex to deflate their egos. They prefer to roll over and give in.

Sure It's Small, but It's Soft

A weak man prides himself on his body. He uses it not as a weapon but as a shabby defense. His rolls of pink flab, his smooth white chest, his hopelessly tiny penis and blotchy scrotum symbolize uncooked chicken; ergo, weakness.

Chauncey, a slight, green-eyed wimp, boasts of being dominated by a 3' 9" female midget. "My enervated member was all but lost in the vastness of her great, moist cavity. She was totally unmoved when that speck of lukewarm liquid of my love almost made it into her!"

Your Place or My Mom's?

Herm haunts the singles bars of New York like an ant at a flamenco-dancers' convention. He plays the mating game. Only, Herm plays to lose. "I cringe all the way to the bar, order a saucer of warm milk and survey the women. When I spot one who could turn me inside out with a flick of her wrist, I make my move. I tell her I am the New York City Cookie Baking Champ. I offer to go halfsies on a drink for her. When she's about to set fire to me with her lighter, I hit her with my big line, 'Hey, toots, how's about I come over and do your laundry?' It never fails!"

Man on Top, Woman in the Elevator

Gloria Steinem did for the weak what Bessemer did for steel: She got them hot and rolled them. Nothing could be better for the weakling than women's taking an aggressive sexual stance. The weak say, "Let them take the lead. Let them hurt us. Let them smoke cigars afterward."

Leo, a Charles Atlas "before" model, describes an encounter with a new woman. "I'm just hanging around a bar, letting guys throw peanuts at me, when this gal walks up and tells me she's a computer programmer and asks if I'd like to go over to her place and push her buttons. I thought, What the heck. I knew it was a pickup, and although I don't want to get a reputation as one of those easy guys, I went. I was right. There were no buttons. Just a huge naked broad and a gallon of currant jelly. She tied me up and did all sorts of evil things to herself while I (against my will) sang nursery songs. When it was all over, she turned on a ball game and I went to the bathroom and cried. It was great!"

Am I Weak?

This is an oft-asked question and a fitting final inquiry. But as there are many, many answers, it is best to refer to an ancient Hindu tale.

A young boy asked his father how he might know if he was weak. The father, in all his wisdom, said, "How should I know? I make my living selling dung bricks!" So it was that the young boy set upon a journey to ask the god Rama how he might know if he was weak.

The young boy traveled many, many miles, climbed many, many mountains and swam many, many seas. Many, many years passed and the young boy was no longer young. He was old and withered and had arthritis and a prostate condition. But he was at the Place of the Gods. "I wish to see the great Rama," the old man said.

A beautiful woman led the old man to the palace of Rama. The old man marveled at the opulence. Then a blinding light struck him in the eyes. When it subsided, Rama was standing before him. "Why have you come?" Rama asked in his great voice.

"I have come to learn if I am weak," the old man replied in a most humble voice.

The great Rama clapped his hands and 100 tigers and a mountain appeared in the great hall.

"Can you lift these tigers and this mountain?" Rama asked the old man.

"No. I can hardly lift a small sack of feathers," the old man confessed.

"Ok, so you're weak," Rama said.