Great Comeback Lines

The ability to fashion classic repartees on the spur of the moment and deliver them with style is, indeed, a God-given gift. Most of us mere mortals, when confronted with the opportunity to say something singularly witty or derisive, are tragically reduced to blurting out the first idiotic thing that comes to mind. Others of us concoct piercing retorts long after the opportunity has passed and are thus ineffectual. Since most of us will never achieve the dazzling heights attained by the Winston Churchills, Benjamin Disraelis and Dorothy Parkers of the world, we've compiled 50 of the best comeback lines ever. If you fancy yourself a great wit among men, try covering up the last lines of each paragraph and thinking up a better comeback.

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It was no secret that Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone were arch political enemies. After a particularly heated debate in the House of Commons, Gladstone, addressing Disraeli, shouted, "Sir, you will come to your end either upon the gallows or of venereal disease."

To which Disraeli calmly replied, "I should say, Mr. Gladstone, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

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As a rookie reporter for the New York World, young Heywood Broun was told to interview Utah Senator Reed Smoot.

"I have nothing to say," Smoot told him.

"I know," replied Broun. "Now let's get down to the interview."

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A heavy drinker, Herman Mankiewicz, the journalist-screenwriter, once attended a very proper formal dinner party at the home of producer Arthur Hornblow, Jr. Blitzed by mid-meal, Mankiewicz suddenly vomited on the dinner table, to the horror of host, hostess and guests. A long silence ensued but was finally shattered by Mankiewicz, who turned to his host and said, "Don't worry, Arthur. The white wine came up with the fish."

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Winston Churchill, accused of ending sentences with prepositions, said, "This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put."

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During the period he was writing for the Marx Brothers, George S. Kaufman often had disagreements with Groucho concerning some of the latter's ad-libbed lines. Once, when one of Groucho's bits had bombed, Kaufman was critical.

"Remember, George," Groucho said, "they laughed at Fulton and his steamboat."

"Not at matinees, they didn't," was Kaufman's reply.

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While delivering a speech, Abraham Lincoln was rudely interrupted by a heckler, who said, "Do I have to pay a dollar to see the ugliest man in the country?"

"I'm afraid, sir," replied Lincoln, "that you were charged a dollar for that privilege--but I have it for nothing."

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Drama critic Alexander Woollcott was once invited to attend one of Arturo Toscanini's orchestral rehearsals at NBC's Studio 8H. He was directed to the back elevator, over which there was a sign that read Orchestra only.

Undaunted, Woollcott entered the elevator only to be stopped by the operator. "I'm sorry, sir," the man said, "this car is reserved for musicians only."

"That's all right," replied Woollcott. "I have my organ with me."

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While governor of New Jersey, Woodrow Wilson was informed that one of the United States Senators from that state had died. Shortly after getting the news, Wilson received a phone call from a New Jersey politician, who said, "Governor, I'd like to take the Senator's place."

"That's perfectly agreeable to me," said Wilson, "if it's agreeable to the undertaker."

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During an audience with President Harding, comic Will Rogers said, "I would like to tell you all the latest jokes, Mr. President."

"You don't have to," Harding answered. "I appointed them all to office."

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Present at an official state dinner in Washington, the famous Chinese diplomat Dr. Wu T'ing-fang was approached by an American woman who did not know who he was.

"What 'nese are you?" she inquired politely. "Japanese, Javanese or Chinese?"

"I am Chinese," Wu explained. "And what 'kee are you? Donkey, monkey or Yankee?"

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Having just exited from a restaurant, Robert Benchley instructed a uniformed man at the curb to hail him a taxi.

"Sir," replied the man haughtily, "I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

"All right, then," Benchley said. "Call me a battleship."

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During an operatic recital at the White House, while the nervous soprano was doing her best to please the First Family, one of the guests turned to President Coolidge and asked, "What do you think of the singer's execution?"

"I'm all for it," Coolidge replied.

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Winston Churchill was leaving a party one night when he bumped into a lady.

"Mr. Churchill," she observed, "you are drunk."

"Madam," replied the Prime Minister, "you are ugly. You are very ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

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Al Smith was delivering a campaign speech when a heckler in the audience yelled, "Tell them all you know, Al--it won't take long."

"I'll tell them all we both know," said Smith, "and it won't take any longer."

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James Thurber was once accosted by a female admirer who could not stop praising him. At one point in the conversation, she mentioned that she had recently read one of Thurber's books in French and that the French version was superior to the English one.

"I know," Thurber quipped. "It loses something in the original."

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When asked to define the difference between a misfortune and a calamity, Benjamin Disraeli said, "If Gladstone were to fall in the Thames, it would be a misfortune; but if anyone dragged him out, that would be a calamity."

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As the G.O.P.'s Presidential candidate, Theodore Roosevelt, addressing a rally, was interrupted by a drunk who stood up and yelled, "I am a Democrat."

Roosevelt calmly asked him why.

"Because my grandfather was a Democrat and my father was a Democrat."

"Let me ask you this, sir," Teddy said. "If your grandfather had been a jackass and your father had been a jackass, what, then, would you be?"

"A Republican," the man replied.

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Shocked at the exorbitant prices at a certain New York restaurant, Harpo Marx turned to George S. Kaufman and, while perusing the menu, said, "What the hell can you get here for fifty cents?"

Kaufman's reply: "A quarter."

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Attending a University of Illinois homecoming football game, Ring Lardner almost jumped out of his seat when the school's military honor guard fired a salute for Illinois governor Len Small, as he entered his box.

"What the devil was that?" Lardner inquired.

"For the governor," he was told.

"Good heavens!" cried Lardner. "They missed him."

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When two mammoth egos meet, chances are sparks will fly. Such was the case in the first meeting of Mark Twain and artist James Whistler. After the two had stared at each other for several minutes, Twain approached one of Whistler's canvases in progress and came very near to touching it with his gloved hand.

"For the love of God, be careful, Clemens!" Whistler exclaimed. "You don't seem to realize that the paint is fresh."

"That's all right," quipped Twain. "I have my gloves on."

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When asked by a certain skeptic whether she was actually the author of Uncle Tom's Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe replied, "I held the pen; God dictated."

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On the sidewalk outside Chasen's restaurant, W. C. Fields was accosted by a fledgling actor who commenced to badger him for a handout. Fields listened patiently for a moment, then spoke: "I'm sorry, my good man," he said, "but all my money is tied up in currency."

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A particularly long-winded speaker was delivering a rather boring speech on the (continued on page 108)Great Comeback Lines(Continued from page 102) floor of the House of Commons, when he noticed that Winston Churchill was dozing. "Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?" the orator demanded.

"No," replied Churchill, keeping his eyes shut. "It's purely voluntary."

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Producer Sam Goldwyn's occasional linguistic lapses were so famous they became known as Goldwynisms. Once, after James Thurber commented that Goldwyn's production of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty contained too much violence, Goldwyn immediately wrote to Thurber, saying, "I am sorry that you felt it was too blood and thirsty."

Thurber's reply: "Not only did I think so but I was horror and struck."

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"It's a pretty poor work of art," Oscar Wilde once said of a pencil sketch Whistler had done of him.

"Yes," conceded Whistler, "and you're a pretty poor work of nature."

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During a campaign speech in Ohio, Presidential candidate William Howard Taft was rather raucously interrupted when a dissenting member of the audience threw a cabbage at him.

Said Taft as the cabbage flew by, "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."

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Actress Joan Fontaine once visited a set on which Orson Welles was doing a role that called for him to be burned to death in bed. Flames rising around him, Welles called out, "I'll be glad when this is over. Now I know what Joan of Arc endured."

"Keep your spirits up," Fontaine advised. "We'll let you know if we get the odor of burning ham."

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At a dinner party, Calvin Coolidge was once approached by a rather stuffy social matron. "President Coolidge," she said, "my husband has bet me that I won't be able to get three words out of you all evening."

"You lose," Coolidge replied.

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Sarah Bernhardt and Oscar Wilde were known to have traded some rather sharp put-downs from time to time. During a rehearsal of Wilde's play Salome, they had a serious disagreement over a part in the production. In an attempt to relax the heated mood, Wilde said, "Do you mind if I smoke, madam?"

To which the Divine Sarah replied, "I don't care if you burn."

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"I've got an act to offer you which you will never have the chance on again," a man once said to Oscar Hammerstein. "It will take Broadway by storm. All you have to do is put $25,000 in escrow for my wife ... and then I'll commit suicide on the stage of your theater."

Astounded, Hammerstein pondered the offer. "Hmmm," he finally said. "But what will you do for an encore?"

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Guests at a Halloween party thrown by Herbert Bayard Swope were involved in a party game when Dorothy Parker arrived.

"What are they doing?" Miss Parker inquired.

"They're ducking for apples."

"There, but for a typographical error," she sighed, "is the story of my life."

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"If you were my husband," Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, "I'd poison your coffee."

"If you were my wife," Churchill replied, "I'd drink it."

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At a Hollywood dinner party, George S. Kaufman was buttonholed by an author who commenced to heap insults upon the reputation of a certain actress. "And," said the man, "she's her own worst enemy."

"Not while you're alive," Kaufman replied.

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During a scene in Lohengrin, Czech tenor Leo Slezak was supposed to ride across stage on one of the mechanical swans, but they were moving too fast and he had missed several. Embarrassed, he turned to a stagehand and quipped, "Can you tell me what time the next swan leaves?"

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A great wine connoisseur once invited Johannes Brahms to a dinner party.

"This is the Brahms of my cellar," the host informed his guests, pouring some rare vintage into the composer's glass. Brahms examined the color of the wine, took in its bouquet, took a sip and, saying nothing to his anxious host, put his glass down.

"Don't you like it, maestro?" the puzzled connoisseur asked apprehensively.

"Hmmm," said Brahms. "Better bring up your Beethoven."

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Alexander Woollcott was a man of great proportions, physically speaking. He once gave a bad review to a show by composer Arthur Schwartz and lyricist Howard Dietz. Dietz responded to the pan by calling Woollcott "Louisa M. Woollcott."

The next time Woollcott ran into Dietz, he said, "Dietz, are you trying to cross me?"

To which Dietz, taking in the sight of Woollcott's obesity, replied, "Not without an alpenstock."

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Dorothy Parker was told over drinks that Clare Boothe Luce had a habit of being kind to her inferiors.

Replied Miss Parker, "Oh? And where does she find them?"

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Charles MacArthur, the journalist turned screenwriter, eventually married Helen Hayes. Their first few meetings were auspicious. "I'm rehearsing in Bernard Shaw's Caesar and Cleopatra," Hayes said to the admiring MacArthur.

"I wish I could play the asp," was MacArthur's reply.

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A rather windy actor was holding forth at a party attended by none other than the acerbic Dorothy Parker. The actor had the habit of using various English pronunciations. For instance, he would continually refer to his "shedule."

Miss Parker sat quietly for a while, but finally she could endure it no more. "If you don't mind my saying so," she said, "I think you're full of skit."

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Noah Webster, the man who compiled the dictionary, was, predictably, a stickler for grammar. As the story goes, he was once caught kissing the cook in the pantry. His wife was aghast.

"Why, Mr. Webster," she said, "I'm surprised."

"No, my dear," Webster replied, "I'm surprised; you're amazed."

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A pianist by profession, a wit by avocation, Oscar Levant was once asked by Alexander Woollcott to play a short piece by Brahms on Woollcott's radio show. When Levant arrived at the studio, he was asked if he might shorten the piece by 30 seconds. The program was running a bit late that night, Woollcott explained, and Levant agreed, only to be asked again to cut the piece by another 20 seconds. Levant obliged again and was subsequently asked whether he would mind making one more cut. "I won't mind," Levant replied, "but you'll hear from Brahms in the morning."

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Calvin Coolidge had just arrived home from church when his wife, who had been too ill to attend, inquired about the subject of the sermon.

"Sin," said Silent Cal.

"And what did he say about it?" Mrs. Coolidge asked.

"He was against it."

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During a session of the House of Commons, Lady Astor was in the middle of a rather lengthy debate on farming when Winston Churchill interrupted: "I venture to say that my Right Honorable friend knows nothing about farming. I'll (concluded on page 202)Great Comeback Lines(continued from page 108) even make a bet that she doesn't even know how many toes a pig has."

"Oh, yes, I do," Lady Astor replied. "Take off your little shoosies and have a look."

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Impresario Sarah Caldwell was waiting in the lounge of a photographer's studio one afternoon when feminist Gloria Steinem entered. "Where's the john?" Ms. Steinem inquired.

"When," answered Ms. Caldwell, "are you going to start calling it the mary?"

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Heywood Broun despised ghostwritten political speeches. He once attended a press function featuring President Harding as the keynote speaker. Harding delivered a speech that was so out of character that, once the applause had died down, Broun leaped to his feet, shouting, "Author! Author!"

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A lady once collided with Dorothy Parker in the doorway of "21." She gallantly stepped back and motioned for Miss Parker to exit first, saying, "Age before beauty."

To which Miss Parker exited saying, "Pearls before swine."

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Marc Connelly, the screenwriter and Algonquin veteran, was sitting at the renowned round table one afternoon when a man walked by and ran his hand over Connelly's bald head.

"That feels as smooth as my wife's ass," the man said.

"Yes," said Connelly, "it does."

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Professor Robert Tyrrell of Trinity College in Dublin (he taught Oscar Wilde), while holding forth one day, was interrupted by a rude fellow who, in the midst of a sentence, asked, "Where's the lavatory?"

To which Tyrrell replied, "First door on the right marked Gentlemen, but don't let that deter you."

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George S. Kaufman was an avid bridge player. One afternoon, following a particularly devastating defeat, his partner got up and announced that he was going to the bathroom.

"Fine," quipped Kaufman. "This will be the first time this afternoon I'll know what you have in your hand."

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Jean Harlow had a habit of pronouncing Noel Coward's first name Noel, with the accent on the second syllable. When Coward could stand it no longer, he said to her, "Miss Harlow, the E in Noel is as silent as the T in Harlow."