The Book of Coasts

(Being an account of the battle between New York and Los Angeles, from the prophetical writings of Hazeriah, in the Old Testament. One of the most gifted and powerful of the seers, Haz'eriah was nonetheless banished from the temple for performing in the streets of Jerusalem an act that simultaneously broke the dietary law, the traffic code, two commandments and a personal promise to Moses. The camel involved was unavailable for comment.)

I

In the beginning, there was but one coast, that in the East; and all else was without form and void. And it was a good coast, verily; and great the accomplishments thereof: excellent in the manufacture of fine garments of divers colors; and the trading of goods, and the writing of words. And the children were exceeding wise and prospered, and grew mighty. But even as the sun follows its westerly course through the heavens, so did some among them become vain; and journeyed into Nassau, and thence into Suffolk, and even into Montauk, and builded houses near the sea in which to pleasure themselves; and lay face down upon the sand, and caused rich ointments to be smoothed onto their flesh, that it might darken, and so blasphemed greatly.

But it grew cold, and so they fled to the West, following the sun, saying, "We'll keep the apartment," knowing in their hearts they would not return; and they did not return, and so there were two coasts: that in the East, known as the East, and that in the West, known as the Coast.

And the East (continued on page 170)Book of Coasts(continued from page 129) called after their brethren, saying, "Take a sweater."

And they replied, "What for? It never goes below fifty." And so they went into the land of Ellay, which is the Coast, and made dwellings of pink stucco and ornamented them with yucca and plantain, and pools of water of a color not found in nature; and so made a life, but the life was without form and void, and great was the vapidity thereof.

II

And the pure in heart cried out, "Coast, ye have no values." And the Coast replied, "We do so have values," but they did not. And by and by, a great many fled into the land of Ellay: 10,000 times ten, and times ten again, unto many millions, each with a deal pending. And so the once virtuous sold themselves to work evil in the vineyards of the Coast, and inhaled into their body various powders and substances which eased the guilt thereof, by dissolving the synapses. And Zabar, the prophet of the East, who was exceeding wise, saw all this and said, "Scorn ye the Coast, for they are not subtle, but coarse, and lack art, and are obvious in all things."

And the pure in heart asked, "How may we know the Coast, for they are flesh of our flesh?"

And the answer came, "Ye shall know them by their carrot tans, and the leisure suit of avocado."

And the pure in heart asked, "How else may we know them, for they are sprung from our loins?"

And the answer came, "Ye shall know them, that they fileth the bridge of their nose, to remove all character therefrom; and taketh the name of their enemy for their own, and nameth their children thus: Tiffany, and Samantha, and Sean, and Bryan; whereas it should be Morris or Ben or Naomi; and attacheth hair to their head which groweth from it not; and speaketh with imprecision, saying, 'Heavy,' for matters which lack weight."

III

And so it came to pass that the children of Ellay were merry, and became masters at play, and practitioners of all things ephemeral: the fleeting image, and the false lyric, and the riff of fuzz tone: the entertainment which entertaineth not. And they worshiped silver above meaning, and equated facility with content; and so they prospered, for their followers were legion. And the people of the land were falsely comforted, for their eyes knew not what they saw, nor their mouths tasted what they ate, and their ears were filled with the laughter of the dead.

And Eli of the East was troubled, saying, "Give us a sign that we may know ours is the way of truth."

And the Almighty spake unto Eli, saying, "See ye not how I revile the Coast? That I maketh to quake the very earth upon which their city is builded? And how I cause them to be daily stoned? And I give ye four seasons yearly, and them but one, and not a great one, at that? And are ye three hours ahead of them in all things, or not?"

"We are——" said Eli.

"So refrain thy voice from whining," spake the Almighty.

Then Eli fell to his knees, saying, "Verily, all of this is true, what Ye spake; yet, while we pursue all tasks according to thy covenant, and forswear all fatty food, and pie; and lead the good life; yet the children of Ellay, who keepeth not thy covenant, fear nothing, and dwell in great panoply, and acquire great wealth."

And the prophet Zabar appeared and mocked Eli, saying, "If the Coast have such great wealth, then wherefore do they sleep three together in one bed?"

And Eli, hearing this, gnashed his teeth but said nothing. And Zabar cried, "Arise, ye pure in heart, and eat some dairy; for ours is the way of goodness and virtue and truth everlasting."

And Eli said, "Three in a bed?"

And Zabar said, "Yea, and all the combinations thereof, which is three times two, plus one, or seven."

"Hmm," said Eli.

IV

And so Eli journeyed into the Valley of the Coast, which is Pasadena, west of Pomona, near Alhambra, by Monrovia; yea, even into Hermosa Beach did he sojourn, and saw abominations which were marvelous strange: men with men, and women with men shorter than they, and a man married to shrubbery, and a dwelling shaped like a bun. And Eli anointed his head with a measure of oil, and abominated these things for three days. And on the fourth day, he looked about him, saying, "My yoke is heavy," and sent out for a lighter yoke, which delivered more abominations to the gallon. And so Eli became groovy, and was thereafter seen in the streets of Ellay, and in the broad places, wearing a suit of jump, which is a stupid raiment, and surpasseth all understanding. And he made covenant with an easy woman who gave succor, which pleased him, for the women of the East were loath to give succor. And so Eli returned not to his home, nor checked his service for messages of urgency, of which there were none, anyway.

V

And Zabar the prophet, hearing of this, arose, and had breakfast, and flew swiftly to Ellay, where he was given a second breakfast. And he prophesied: "No good can come of consecutive breakfasts."

And so he sought out Eli, and took a meeting with him. following custom, and asked, "Wherefore hast thou forsaken thy values, that thou actest in such a fashion, and hangest out with loons, and laughest loud at things unamusing, and combest thine hair forward in such a manner? And what happened to thy nose?"

And Eli regarded him, and stood first upon one foot, and then upon the other, saying finally, "Like, man, I rebuke ye."

And Zabar, hearing this, turned the color of the setting sun, and cried, "Fool! Hast forgot thine instruction? Thou canst not rebuke, without first thou be buked. Only then can thou rebuke!"

And a revelation came to Eli, and he said, "O ye who are uptight! He who picketh at a nit, findeth a nit, but grooviness payeth off manifold."

And Zabar, seeing that Eli was lost, was possessed of a great rage, and pulled Eli's lips all the way out, even unto six cubits. And so Eli shook his head slowly, saying, "Oh, wow," and took off his ornaments from his person: from his wrists, the bracelets of turquoise and copper and elephant hair; and from around his neck, he took his beads of worry, and his squash blossom, and his amulet of Cancer the Crab; all these did he remove. And he rolled up the sleeves of his raiment, and smote Zabar most terribly upon his breast, and upon his head. And Zabar then smote Eli in the soft place, so that Eli bended way over; and finally Eli smote Zabar in many wise, so that the fat places were made lean, and the round places smooth; and delivered him back to the East in two cartons marked, Contents: Prophet—Use No Hooks.

And so the East grew bitter, and such was the bitterness of their bitterness, that it was bitterer even than gall or the juice of some lemons or sucking on a tea bag. And whatsoever did the Coast fashion in the way of amusement, did the East put down mightily out of bitterness, and this was called Criticism.

And the spirit of the Critic moved in the land, and turned Coastward, saying, "Woe unto him that maketh an entertainment in the land of Ellay, for surely shall he receive an admonition, and be chastised."

VI

And so it came to pass that a great conflict arose between them. And the East put on an entertainment, which was two men in a garbage can, conversing, and the Critic said, "Verily, it is Art." And the Coast put on an entertainment, which was a man delivering a pie unto the countenance of a second man, or banana, and the Critic said, "Verily, it is junk." And the conflict grew mightier and mightier, and great was the destruction thereof, and the pain, and the sorrow, and message units uncountable. And the Almighty clapped His hands over His ears, saying, "Enough, already. I weary of your bickering, coasts." And the pure in heart said, "Coasts? Art angry at us, too? The pure in heart?"

And the Almighty said, "Ye heardest."

And the East were aggrieved, saying, "But we keep the covenant, and are not vain."

And the answer came down, "Verily, ye are not vain, but it is vanity to mention it."

And the East were sore troubled, for they knew He had them there. And they cried, "Then Ye see no difference between the coasts?"

And the Almighty replied, "This whole thing taketh up too much of my time."

And both coasts cried, "Almighty, where reside Ye, that Ye take not sides,one coast against the other, as hath been done since the beginning of time?"

And the answer came down, "In Nebraska, which is no coast. Verily, for it is written that while anyone may make an entertainment, or keep the covenant, only in Nebraska can be found a corn, or peas, or the chicken of the air, which are my handiwork."

And the coasts were bewildered, and said, "Who careth for such things; neither are they amusing, nor do they entertain."

And the Almighty cried, "Then hearken, for I shall make ye an entertainment."

And a mighty thundering was heard, and a darkness descended over the earth; and the oceans rose. And all was laid waste; in the East, unto the land of Cleve; and in the West, the Coast did break off at the field of Bakers and slip into the sea. And all was without form and void, and the Almighty saw that it was good, and cried, "Behold, no more coasts."

And where the coasts had been, was now writ in letters of fire, Watch This Space for New Abominations.

And thus endeth The Book of Coasts. (Coming soon: Nielsen, or: The Book of Numbers.)