Pyramid Power

Unless you've spent the past year or two locked inside a bathysphere, you're probably all too familiar with a phenomenon known popularly as the power of the pyramid. Supposedly, the geometric shape of the pyramid emits some mystical energy that keeps razor blades sharp, energizes water, prevents fruit from spoiling and mummifies dead lower species, such as goldfish, cats and Egyptians. Nobody really knows for sure why this happens, and neither do we, but it seems to work, so who cares? Rather than offer any of the assorted theories and postulates on the matter, we've simply supplied you with your very own pyramid kit comprised of: (A) a cut-out-and-fold pyramid with a suitably incomprehensible set of instructions (razor blades, fruit and dead lower species not included); (B) a far-reaching and farfetched article on the mystery of the pyramids by amateur Pyramidalist John Hughes; and (C) a couple of our own speculations on a few heretofore unexplored powers of the pyramid.

Directions For Assembling Your Pyramid

1. To remove pyramid from page, cut along perforated lines with scissors or razor blade. If scissors or blade is not sharp enough to cut paper, this is a good indication that you are in desperate need of pyramid.

2. Fold pyramid into shape along scored lines and slip latch into latch slit. (Historical note: It took 240,000 Jewish slaves to insert the latch into the latch slit of the Great Pyramid of Giza.)

3. For best results, the pyramid should be aligned along a true north/south line. To do this, you'll need a compass. If you can't find one, it probably means you're lost. If so, locate the North Star and follow it to the nearest Woolworth's and buy a compass. Or mug a boy scout.

4. Locate magnetic north on your compass to establish your north/south line. Then call up your local Federal Aviation Administration (there should be a listing in the phone book) and find out the deviation of true north from magnetic north in your area. (Note: If your area doesn't have a local FAA office, invert your pyramid and use as a pooper scooper, call a friend with a good sense of direction or walk in a straight line until you hit Canada, Mexico or an ocean.) Adjust the deviation from magnetic north. For example, if the deviation in your area is five degrees east, align your pyramid five degrees east of north on your compass.

5. Now that you've established your north/south line, align one side of the pyramid along that line (remember which side it is) and tape the pyramid down so the cat won't drag it across the room. If you don't have a cat, tape it down anyway, because, since the pyramid is so mysterious and powerful, there's no telling when it might walk off on its own power and catch the next steamer to Cairo. (Historical note: The ancient Egyptian Pharaohs did not tape down their pyramids, a fact that has baffled scholars for centuries.)

6. Get a matchbox about one inch high (this will be the platform on which the razor blades, etc., will be placed) and put it in the center of the pyramid, thus setting up a scaled-down version of the king's-chamber level. (Cheops didn't actually lie on a matchbox-most Egyptian Pharaohs used Zippos.)

7. If you've followed these directions accurately, congratulations-you should now have something that looks like a folded piece of cardboard with a box inside it taped to a table. Now, wasn't that easy? Don't you wish you'd been a Pharaoh? Try sharpening a razor blade first (Cheops always tested his pyramids with a razor first, since it was hell finding a decent barber in the afterlife). Make sure you align the blade along the north/south line, parallel to the north/south line of the taped edge of the pyramid. Otherwise, your razor will turn into a tuna casserole. For laughs, you can also try reviving half-dead flowers, dehydrating food, energizing water and a number of other totally useless things. If none of that.works, don't call us, call Anwar Sadat collect and complain to him.

The Mysterious Mystery of the Pyramids, or, Cheops Thrills

For Centuries, the Great Pyramid at Giza has bewildered scholars, scientists and the common man. How was it built? For what purpose? Covering more than 13 acres, constructed of 2,300,000 stone blocks, each weighing up to 15 tons, precisely joined and reaching a height of 481 feet, the Great Pyramid makes us feel ashamed that we take pride in keeping a clean closet.

It sits silently in the desert, making a mockery of our attempts to understand it. We discover that the height minus the sum of the sides equals U. S. Grant's hat size. When we sleep in its interior, our mustaches rise from our lips and dabs of chocolate appear on our noses. But when we try to make something of these bizarre bits of information, we are frustrated. That frustration is intensified by the fact that no written records exist from the period during which the Great Pyramid was constructed. As we study the Great Pyramid, there is always that nagging question in the back of our minds: If they could build that incredible monument, why couldn't they make a pen?

Pyramid Power

Energy is passing through us all the time, though we do not sense it, even when it is in our underwear. The pyramidal shape apparently receives, sorts and focuses this energy. By putting objects or even ourselves into pyramidal models based on the ratios of the Great Pyramid, profound effects can be produced.

• In 1959, a Hungarian scientist discovered that when he sat in a pyramid model, he could sing like Patti Page.

• Watches placed in pyramids do not tick. They make a "bo-do-dee-oh" sound.

• When a Cornell researcher put a razor blade into a pyramid, the entire Notre Dame defensive line woke up with shaved legs.

The ability of the pyramid to focus energy appears to have a mind-altering effect on humans. Awareness is said to increase and the body is overcome with a sensation subjects have described as similar to having a water hose up one's pants leg. Meditation is said to be easier inside a pyramid and reports of people leaving their bodies and riding the bus for free are quite common. But perhaps the most interesting aspect of this mind-altering effect is the physiological transformation that has been observed by Dr. Claus Lomar:

In 1968, I was doing research on pants, sharing my facilities with a graduate student who was studying the pyramidal shape. One afternoon, the student accidentally placed a pyramid model over a pair of worsted slacks. When I removed the pyramid, I noticed that the slacks had been tapered and cuffed. I hypothesized that if the pyramid could perform alterations on trousers, it could do the same for humans. I placed a subject inside a larger model and, after 12 hours, X-rayed the cranium and observed side vents and a watch pocket on the right hemisphere of the brain. The subject has noticed an increase in mental and physical ability. He is calm and relaxed and, despite a compulsion to keep buttons in his hat, he is a happier person.

Inevitably, pyramid research has entered the area of human sexuality. Independent sex researchers Bertrand and Elsa Quam have recently completed a five-year, 20,000-orgasm study of the effects of the pyramid upon sexuality. They report that:

• After sexual intercourse performed inside a pyramid, no one says thank you.

• Prior to orgasm, both partners imagine that their parents are watching them.

• After orgasm, men feel dejected and "used," while women's thoughts turn to fishing and getting drunk.

The History of the Great Pyramid

The ancient Egyptians believed in an afterlife in which the soul returned to the body. If the soul could not find the body it had left, it would hide in a fez until an unsuspecting person put it on. Because of this belief, the Egyptians preserved the bodies of their dead by wrapping them in cloth. The bodies would then be placed in tombs, along with articles they would need for the journey to the afterlife, such as traveler's checks and highway bingo games.

Over the years, tomb designs became more complex as the royalty experimented with various shapes--rectangles, orbs, split-level ranches. Finally, Pharaoh Dozier, a Third Dynasty king, settled on the pyramidal shape. Dozier's successor, Snerfu, attempted to improve upon Dozier's design by building a massive inverted pyramid. The structure collapsed under its own weight and killed 180,000 workers. Facing astronomical liability suits, Snerfu begged noblemen to let him spend eternity in a corner of his tomb, promising not to make any noise or mess. Snerfu's son, Cheops, inspired by his father's inventiveness and yet wary of his folly, ordered the construction of the massive Great Pyramid at Giza.

Building the Great Pyramid

Many engineers agree that today it would be impossible to construct the Great Pyramid. So how did people who worshiped insects and kept dates in their robes accomplish this tricky feat? There are three theories:

The Slave Theory: By promising them reincarnation as bandleaders, Cheops was able to convince hundreds of thousands of men to work as temporary slaves at salaries below scale. Over a 30-year period, this massive work force cut, transported and fitted the stones into place while Cheops worked with decorators, deciding upon interior colors, fabrics and accessories.

The Levitation Theory: It is believed that Egyptian priests possessed the power to levitate objects. This power, along with the ability to make camels cough, has been lost over the ages and the only record of its ever existing appears in the writings of a Seventh Dynasty scribe, Omar the Cuddly, who wrote: "A holy man came into our house and raised my father from his seat. He placed a thorn upon the chair. Then he lowered my father upon the thorn and laughed with glee." It has been suggested that the priests levitated and lowered the enormous stones into place. The originator of that theory, Dr. Hoag Rodgers, attempted to illustrate the power by levitating the pyramid in 1909 but succeeded only in tearing the seat of his pants.

The Alien-Beings Theory: Because of the advanced construction techniques, the knowledge of mathematics and the scope of the project, many scientists have pointed to alien beings as the builders of the Great Pyramid. As the theory goes, those alien beings landed in Egypt to enjoy the weather and to catch a few rays. They constructed the Great Pyramid to serve as a riverside cabana, where they could change into swimming suits and escape the hot sun. Huge bathrobes, goggles, flippers and float toys found buried beneath the Great Pyramid would seem to validate that theory.

The Storage-Space Mystery

The Great Pyramid covers an area of more than 13 acres, but, oddly enough, within this huge structure there is only one closet. There is no cabinet space, no attic, a pitifully small basement and no garage. Why would people of such obvious intellect not consider resale value?

Where is Cheops?

It also seems very odd that after erecting this monstrous tomb, Cheops would not be in it. There are two possibilities--eidier he died while out of town or he never died. There is an Egyptian legend about a king who gained immortality by lending a dinner jacket to a wizard. It is very likely that this king is Cheops.

The Curse of the Great Pyramid

Legend has it that Napoleon visited the Great Pyramid and spent the night in the king's chamber. When he emerged in the morning, he was pale and shaken. An aide asked him what had happened and Napoleon replied, "I was visited by a spirit who goosed me and accused me of wearing risers in my shoes." Shortly thereafter, he lost control of his bladder and had to be told when and when not to go to the bathroom.

An American industrialist, Marshall Bothwell, and his party visited the Great Pyramid in 1902 and encountered the same supernatural forces. Bothwell later wrote that an eerie coldness had overcome him and a voice had asked him if he had an erection. Three members of his party went through rapid changes in racial characteristics and, for years after, Bothwell's hat would blow off for no reason.

Hundreds of such incidents have been recorded. Even tourists are stunned when their film comes back showing not the Great Pyramid but the Pat Boone family at Christmas.

A Word of Caution

It must be remembered at all times that the pyramid is still not completely understood and has powers that may be unpredictable and uncontrollable. Therefore, never perform experiments alone. Always have someone nearby who can remove you if something goes awry. Never put anyone with poor health, red hair or buckteeth into a pyramid. Avoid prolonged exposure to the pyramid powers. When you do experiment, remember Leo Fecklburg. Telling no one, he spent six weeks inside a pyramid model with his Master Charge bill, hoping to have it miraculously paid off, and, instead, wound up in the British Museum classified as pre-Columbian earthenware.