Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind

What Sexual Frontier remains to be explored by the sexually sophisticated man of our civilization? OK, so you've been in a bathtub with three women, four gallons of guacamole dip, an ounce of cocaine and a bisexual ostrich. No big deal. Perhaps your sensibilities are so jaded that you've considered celibacy for your next big thrill. But wait! You haven't done it all until you've experienced extraterrestrial screwing.

Come off it, you say? You've known some way-out ladies, but they all had birth certificates from old Mother Earth, and even if there were females from other dimensions or planets or whatever, why would they want to make it with you?

Well, they probably wouldn't. But we'll explain that later. For the moment, we simply ask you to keep an open mind about what you're going to see and read. Let your imagination run wild. Think about the kinds of sex you could have with a woman whose capacity to arouse you so far exceeds that of a human-type woman that there is really no comparison. Sure, you say, what does she do, give great proboscis?

Don't jump to conclusions, O ye of primitive mind and disgusting body hair. There is more here than meets the eye.

If we could draw any conclusions about the mentality of extraterrestrial beings from the numerous reports of human contact with them, one would be that an interest in sex doesn't diminish when the size of the cranium increases. A high percentage of those people who have reported being taken aboard UFOs have told of being experimented on sexually. These experiments have ranged from the insertion of a long thin needle into a woman's ovaries to outright rape of both male and female humans by those supposedly advanced beings. In fact, some UFO researchers, both professional and amateur, have confided that they believe there is no instance in which a human has boarded an alien craft without being experimented on sexually in some way. One UFOlogist has gone as far as to say, "This is one of the most hushed-up aspects of the whole UFO issue. Most of us think that they are trying to effect some sort of cross-fertilization between our race and theirs, or perhaps grow their own humans from seed for experimentation, as one might with one-celled organisms or bacteria in the laboratory."

On the other hand (and this will be loathsome to those who always impart noble scientific intentions to those telepathic aliens who go around stopping cars, burning circles of grass and kidnaping people), they may just be horny. After all, the ancient Greeks and Romans allowed that their gods could hanker for some temporal flesh now and then. If gods deign, for whatever cosmic purpose, to consort with earthlings, why shouldn't alien space travelers yearn for a little action? It's a long ride from the nearest star--like maybe 25 trillion years--and if a sheepherder can develop lust for his sheep after only five months on the prairie, you can well imagine what kind of horniness 25 trillion years can give you.

But before you go driving around the desert in hopes of making an intergalactic pickup, take heed. They never pick up guys like you. You're probably educated, hip, a little weird. You're the wrong kind of guy. They take uneducated, plain, simple, ordinary, very straight folks. In fact, their selection of kidnapees raises further questions about their superiority. You'd think that if they wanted a human specimen to examine, they'd snatch somebody like Bruce Jenner or Linus Pauling or Fidel Castro or Gloria Steinem (dreamer!). Not on your life. Muhammad Ali could walk around the Arizona desert for 20 years with a neon sign flashing on his back saying Take Me, you Blue-Skinned Fool, and never see so much as a pulsing light in the sky. On the other hand, someone like the comics character Snuffy Smith would be treated to unworldly delights.

Perhaps the matter of telepathy is crucial here. Maybe they have the power to mesmerize only people with weak minds. Perhaps after reading this you will assume that we are prime candidates for kidnaping, but keep it to yourself.

At any rate, we have synthesized several supposedly true stories of UFO abductions into a pictorial feature with our own in-house space vamp, and we're sure it'll keep you up all night at the window, telescope in hand. As the old song goes, "You're clear out of this world...."