The Great Playboy Sex-Aids Road Test

When D. Keith Mano handed in Tom Swift Is Alive and Well and Making Dildos, we decided it was time for an official investigation of sex aids. Dildos. Vibrators. Inflatable Dolls with Three Operating Orifices. Clitoral Stimulators. Being of the opinion that the best sex aid is a woman, we had never really gotten acquainted with erotic technology, let alone tried one. We wanted to know: Do they work? Are they worth buying? Would you take one home to your mother?

We thought of hiring Ralph Nader, consumer advocate (see Fans elsewhere in this issue), to test the devices. He wasn't available. So we did the next-best thing: We recruited three couples. Sexual adventurers who had long since given their dog-eared copies of The Joy of Sex to the Salvation Army. Lovers who had seen In the Realm of the Senses four times. People who owed us money. We turned them loose with a toy chest of sex accessories, collected their comments on threeby-five index cards and tabulated the results. No matter what you may think of marital aids, one thing is clear--they make great conversation pieces. Most of the comments were witty. For example, when faced with a dozen French ticklers, one of our test pilots remarked, "They are great, if you want to make love to an extraterrestrial." Another researcher, gazing upon an oversized spiked dildo that would crawl across the floor at the flick of a switch, knocking over furniture and terrorizing the natives, commented, "You could tame a country with that thing. It's the perfect marital aid. You put it on your mantel and threaten your wife with it. 'Cook dinner or else.'" Who says sex is the most fun you can have without laughing? This is how the items stacked up.

Vibrators: The cordless vibrator is the Model A of sexual accessories, the magic bullet guaranteed to cure sexual ills. Sizes range from five inches to a monster 16 inches in length. Our test couples reported that size did not increase pleasure, since penetration is not the goal of vibrator-assisted masturbation. The comments: "We noticed that the larger models lasted longer. The little buggers tended to shake loose their connections. Also, the larger models are quieter. Noise is the major drawback of battery-powered vibrators. There's something about a raucous buzz that is not conducive to astonishing sex." "Texture is a problem. The hard-plastic vibrators seem impersonal. Our favorite of the bunch was a soft, flexible seven-inch vibrator called the Stim-Vib [see picture below]. It didn't intrude on our fantasies. It was warm, almost skinlike." "The main advantage to cordless vibrators seems to be their portability--the perfect companion for long trips. I can see my girlfriend walking through airport security with a bandoleer filled with them."

The manufacturers of vibrators seem to realize that noise and hardness are problems. In the past few years, they've introduced attachment kits, with sleeves that deaden the sound and change the sensations. The leader in the field is Marché Manufacturing (11933 Vose Street, North Hollywood, California 91605). One test couple rates the Sensual Encounter Kit ($19.95) as follows: "One of the sleeves looked like a cucumber with spikes. Another looked like a naked palm tree. A major revelation of the road test was that looks are deceiving. The cucumber softened the vibrations and produced waves of sensation. The palm tree felt like a feather duster. My partner said she felt like she was walking stark-naked through a beaded curtain."

The second (text continued on page 208)Road Test(continued from page 137) generation of vibrators includes remotecontrolled variable-speed ben-wa eggs and cock rings. A thin wire connects the operating mechanism to a battery pack. The comments: "You can tuck one of the eggs into your jeans, put the control unit in your pocket and have a very interesting ride on the bus." "The cock ring was hard plastic and the prongs tended to bite into your flesh. If you feel comfortable with your dick in a lobster claw, this is the device for you. However, it will produce an erection in spite of itself." "These small guys are even noisier than the bulletshaped vibrators. It sounded like we were making love on a construction site."

Two vibrators emerged as genuine class acts. The Sex Charmer (pictured on page 136), from United Sales, 4731 W. Jefferson Boulevard, Los Angeles, California 90016, was a delight. The girls loved it: "He's cute." "It belongs on the dashboard of your car." "It's a nice gift for someone who might be nervous about sex gifts. It defuses the bad image of the vibrator." Of course, if you want to get serious about automated sex, buy the Prelude 3, the state-of-the-art vibrator. One touch produces instant orgasm: "You can get lost in your pleasure. It helps to have someone else in the room, just to chaperone. It is the one vibrator that is coeducational. If you are trying out a position--say, when the man enters from the rear--where the clitoris doesn't receive stimulation, just plug in the Prelude. You'll both get off."

French ticklers: These things make you wonder where Frenchmen got their reputation for being great lovers. With names like Porcupine, Fuzzball, Satan and Little Devil, they produce more laughter than pleasure. As a sex aid, they are useless. The discomfort factor is high: "Would you put a sea urchin in your vagina?" Still, they make great finger puppets with which to entertain the kids in your neighborhood.

Clitoral stimulators: The major surprise of the road test was the reaction to the Magico and the Excello clitoral stimulators: "They look tacky, they feel tacky when the man slips one over the shaft of his penis. But during intercourse, the tiny rubber prongs separate the folds of the labia and expose the clitoris. The gentle massaging action truly excites a woman. And this is one of the few sex aids that don't intrude on the man's pleasure."

Lubricants: Every bedside table should have a bottle or two of oil. There is nothing like a massage to lead into a gentle, relaxed session of sex. The products that are marketed specifically as erotic oils (Orgy Gel, Emotion Lotion, Crease Grease) tend to be more expensive than the same products in mass-market form. You may find it cheaper to buy baby oil. You have a variety of flavors and scents to choose from; however, our couples thought the manufacturers used chemical overkill: "It smelled like we were making love in a candy store. The odor and taste were too strong." The most interesting lubricants use a glycerin base: "You rub the oil in, then breathe on it and the surface of your skin heats up. Very interesting."

Lingerie: Included in the road-test toy chest were several small bits of nylon mesh that, on further examination, proved to be bikini underwear and cutout bras. The holes are strategically placed to grant access to erogenous zones. One couple describes its experience: "At first, we thought this stuff was too tacky to try. All things considered, we'd rather go naked. But then we got into the fantasy trip behind the lingerie. If lingerie didn't turn some of the people on some of the time, it wouldn't be around anymore. The cutout bra acted like a golf tee. The little fringed circles supported the nipples and held them up like an offering. Anything that focuses attention is a good sex aid. Those nipples became my partner's entire universe. Her skin was very sensitive. Not bad."

Shackles and chains: Ever since Alex Comfort suggested tying up your loved one in The Joy of Sex, mild bondage has been an accepted part of the bedroom repertoire. The Pleasure Chest, a chain of sex boutiques based in New York, has a large mail-order business in custom-designed leatherwear. The quality of the craftsmanship was far beyond that of any of the other items we tested. These people are serious. The road test: "We had the same reaction to the shackles and chains that we had to the lingerie. Learning to get into a different erotic trip can be very exciting. The key to this scenario is helplessness. The woman is exposed, waiting. Arched like a bow. Rising toward a single point of stimulation. Be it a kiss on the nipple or a tonguing of the clitoris, or the slow penetration of an erect penis. She is afraid that you will leave her, so she focuses all of her energy and attention on the moment of contact. This is a fantasy we've all grown up with--the damsel in distress, the virgin in the castle dungeon. A spread-eagled woman is a sight to behold."

Rejects: During the course of the road test, our couples came across some products that were counterproductive. Heading the list are the numbing agents (Mr. Prolong, Stud 100, Endure) that purport to increase the male's endurance. They utilize benzocaine to deaden sensation: "They work as an anesthetic, but who needs it? You might as well be in the next room as in bed with your girlfriend." "The products are touted as a cure for premature ejaculation, but since they end up numbing your girlfriend as well as you, it just defeats the problem. The whole point of sex is learning to recognize what is happening to you at any given moment. The numbing agents make you feel like you're playing blindman's buff."

Other candidates for the trash bin include penis extenders (condomlike sheaths with rubber plugs that increase the size of a man's erection). They cut sensation and are generally uncomfortable. Also totally irrelevant. Most of a woman's nerve endings are in the outer third of her vagina--to go beyond that does not contribute to her pleasure.

And, by unanimous decision, the tackiest sex aid we tested was the inflatable Sweet Sixteen doll, with natural hair and three operating orifices. The inside of the mouth was razor sharp. If someone tried mock fellatio, the Sweet Sixteen doll would bite it off. We have enough trouble with real women. Still, the thing is a great conversation piece. If you hit a dead spot in the middle of the week, you can always inflate her and take her to a fancy French restaurant.

Conclusion: Our researchers all survived the road test in good spirits. And reasonably good health. (One or two complained of exhaustion.) They were in agreement on one crucial point--no matter what their opinion of individual products, the road test had been a sexual adventure. They had been curious, and they satisfied their curiosity, as well as their sex drives. Said one: "With most of these products, my interest lasted as long as the first set of batteries. I doubt if I will incorporate many of them into my sex life. Maybe the Prelude 3. Maybe the oils. But the rest are disposable. Great for one date, but you wouldn't want to live with them. My suggestion: Conduct your own road test."

"'You can get lost in your pleasure. It helps to have someone else in the room, just to chaperone!"