First-Night Disasters

"If you want to know the truth, I'm a virgin. I really am. I've had quite a few opportunities to lose my virginity and all, but I've never got around to it yet. Something always happens. For instance, if you're at a girl's house, her parents always come home at the wrong time--or you're afraid they will. Or if you're in the back seat of somebody's car, there's always somebody's date in the front seat--some girl, I mean--that always wants to know what's going on all over the whole goddamn car. I mean some girl in front keeps turning around to see what the hell's going on. Anyway, something always happens. I came quite close to doing it a couple of times, though. One time in particular, I remember. Something went wrong, though--I don't even remember what anymore...."

--From J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye

There are millions of sexually dysfunctional men in this country, and a significant percentage of them have been crippled by traumatic episodes during their first attempts at lovemaking. The three major sexual dysfunctions--impotence, aversion to women and premature ejaculation--stand in the wings whenever an inexperienced boy attempts to lose his virginity. If something goes wrong, it is likely to go wrong again and again. The virgin bed should have a sign: Tonight is the first night of the rest of your life.

I became aware of first-night disasters while counseling. Time and again, husbands and wives who come to me for help proudly report that they married as virgins. When they are questioned in detail, a tragic pattern emerges. Husbands more often than not assume full responsibility for the sexual fiasco that has almost destroyed the marriage. Ironically, the wives at first reaffirm their delight in the husband's virginal state at marriage but then, without hesitation, castigate him because he didn't know what to do or when to do it. "He should have known. He's a man," is a chorus sung by many a virgin bride as she points an accusatory finger at her equally ignorant groom. It is a travesty but too true. Virginal marriages frequently are doomed to continuing dissatisfaction simply because the male member couldn't simultaneously be virginal and experienced. When the blind leads the blind, both frequently stumble, but the responsibility for this fall is inevitably laid at the husband's door. Our culture has assigned the man the role of sex expert--a role that the anxious neophyte simply can't play, because it creates unacceptable levels of performance pressure. It is a role unfair and unrealistic in the context of today's human values.

Pity the poor virgin

Obviously, not all first-night disasters are associated with wedding bells. Any sexual encounter involving an inexperienced partner is potentially traumatic; and especially so if the inexperienced partner is male. It is one of the least desirable side effects of the double standard. In our society, a virgin female is culturally treasured, socially protected. The virgin male is culturally pressured, socially suspect and sexually anxious. He is a second-class citizen, an outcast on fraternity row. He cannot confess to his status or seek information from his peers. He must become a man--at whatever the cost.

The how-to-do-it sex books, usually written by men for men about women, are replete with directions for relieving the female of her treasure without inflicting undue trauma. The initiation of a young woman into sexual maturity is a well-scripted ceremony, with support and protection of the initiate an integral part of the scenario. After reading about foreplay, correct positions, gentleness and understanding, a male virgin is likely to be told, "This, perhaps, is most important of all and should be constantly carried in mind by the groom: All initiative, all control lies completely within his hands. The bride does only one thing of importance, and that is to relax. Even so, the husband must repeatedly remind her of this and assist her in it." (From Modern Sex Techniques, by Robert Street.) Why shouldn't the virginal male receive similar consideration? We have been told repeatedly that if the ceremonial script of gentleness and consideration isn't followed with reasonable care, an unfortunate first experience may render a woman nonorgasmic in perpetuity. But what of the male first-nighter who ends up as primarily impotent, sexually aversive or as a virulent premature ejaculator? It is time to state his case.

Anxiety and impotence

"There I sat expectantly a long time, had almost given up hope, began to think about consequences if she told my mother, when I heard the door softly open and she came to the edge of the stairs.... I opened my door, she gave a loud shriek and retreated to her room, I close to her; in a few minutes more, hugging, kissing, begging, threatening, I know not how; she was partly on the bed, her clothes up in a heap, I on her with my prick in my hand, I saw the hair, I felt the slit, and not knowing then where the hole was or much about it, expecting that it was between her legs, shoved my prick there with all my might.... I was very young; but nature did all for me; my prick went to the proper channel, there stopped by something it battered furiously. 'Oh, you hurt, oh!' she cried aloud. The next instant something seemed to tighten round its knob, another furious thrust--another--a sharp cry of pain (resistance was gone), and my prick was buried up her, I felt that it was done.... I looked at her, she was quiet, her cunt seemed to close on my prick, I put my hand down and felt round. What rapture to find my machine buried, nothing but the balls to be touched, and her cunt hair wetted with my sperm, mingling and clinging to mine; in another minute nature urged a crisis, and I spent in a virgin cunt, my prick virgin also. Thus ended my first fuck.

"My prick was still up her when we heard a loud knock; both started up in terror, I was speechless. 'My God, it is your momma!'"

--From Frank Harris' My Secret Life

Frank Harris doesn't go into clinical detail, but anyone familiar with the effects of anxiety and fear on male arousal can rest assured that the knock on the door put a sudden end to the young man's erection. Fear is the major deterrent to any uninitiated man's sexual facility. Fear comes in many guises--nebulous, gripping, multidimensional. Fear of being caught by his or her family when the friendly living-room sofa has beckoned. Fear of intrusion by the police or any other invader in an isolated lovers' lane. Fear of pregnancy. Fear of venereal disease. Fear of being trapped in an unwanted commitment. All things considered, it might be best for a young man to put off losing his virginity until he is safely ensconced in a bank vault, with a woman he loves, who has just been given a clean bill of health by the local V.D. clinic, as well as a supply of birth-control pills. But even then, the young man would have to face the most fearful questions of sexual ignorance: "What do I do now?" "How do I do it?" "Will she think I'm good?" For most men, these basic fears are spontaneously resolved. But by its very existence, fear can distract from the stimulation of the sexual opportunity. The distracted man, particularly the distracted novice, may be slow to erect. When there is slowed erection, or if only a partial erection develops, terror strikes. What will she think? Who will she tell? What will the boys say when they hear? And so it goes. Fear builds upon fear, and confidence in having an erection may never develop. The novice who doesn't know this may be devastated by his failure to perform on order.

During the next few days, when reflecting on his personal disaster, a novice may think of little else. Fear of performance increases geometrically. In his ignorance, he isn't sure what went wrong, but he is fully aware that nothing seemed to go right.

Next time he will do better, but, of course, the next time, as he strains to force an erection, he fails again. With a second failure, there is a high probability that he may never function adequately unless professional help is available. Any man, regardless of age or prior sexual experience, who has occasion to seriously question his sexual ability is well on his way to impotence. If you fail to get it up the first and second times, you may begin to think it's your fault. Nothing could be further from the truth. All it takes is a kind woman.

Unfortunately, the inexperienced woman inevitably plays the role of waiting for the man to make it happen. In doing so, she inadvertently applies more performance pressure to the anxious male. The female beginner usually does all the wrong things for the right reasons. "I didn't want to pressure him, so I let him set the pace." "Let him come to me." "Let him lead." "Let him take the responsibility." The virginal he is drowning in a sea of "let hims" while his inexperienced partner carefully plays out her socially assigned role of passive mate.

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"Directly after my coronation I risked everything, celebrating with an act that wiped out months of restraint. Parked in our regular spot at Shaker Lakes, at last Joey got in. By allowing him to lie on me with his fly open, accepting his kisses with the delicious abandon of former days, I signaled that the struggle was over. It wasn't the 40 points, or even Nat Karlan's prediction. It was simply that being queen, I dared to believe I could get away with it. There was something regal about going all the way.

"I didn't get to remove my underpants, so eager was Joey to cross my threshold. He stretched the elastic of one leg and slipped his organ in; then with a little moan of joy he began humping me....

"This is it! I said to myself. This is love! Enjoy it! I knew my daffodils were being crushed; nevertheless, I tried to enjoy it, at least to attend to this celebrated moment in the most touted of acts.

"It wasn't unpleasant with Joey inside me, but it wasn't particularly pleasant either. It didn't even hurt. I was surprised not to be feeling much, for Joey had pushed his entire appendage so much larger than a finger inside my opening. I couldn't imagine how it all fit in. Watching him move up and down on me in the darkness, I wondered: Is this all there is to it? I had loved Joey to the melting point, but now I resented him, I received each thrust of his body like a doubt...."

--From Alix Kates Shulman's, Memoirs of an Ex-Prom Queen

If a young man doesn't get lucky during his first sexual encounter, if he fumbles and bumbles, if he needs help and his partner doesn't know how to give it--or chooses not to help and afterward is quick to criticize--or even if he reaches his goal but finds getting there was a job, not fun, he frequently falls into the protective state of sexual aversion. If he becomes convinced that he doesn't feel a thing, that no woman can turn him on, or if he knows he won't like it even if it happens, how can he be faulted for avoiding the issue? He's safe, but he's also an inadequate human being.

Of course, most virginal males, despite the high probability that they will experience apprehension and pressures to perform, do function during their initial opportunities. They at least consummate the act (intromission plus ejaculation), but they may still end up sexually distressed or dysfunctional. When pressures of performance overwhelm during the initial opportunity for intercourse, many inexperienced men become sexually aversive in self-protection. They develop a hundred excuses for avoiding sexual activity that may lead to intercourse and at times actually withdraw from any form of physical contact. Headaches no longer remain the woman's province. "She doesn't turn me on"; "It was an awful day"; "I'm too tired." How many times have these old standards been verbalized? But this time they are expressed by men. If not married when aversion develops, many men even tend to avoid women in social situations so that they won't have to be put to the test.

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Premature Ejaculation

More often than not, things go well the first night, but they go quickly. Almost before the young man knows what has happened, he is finished. He may think of his completed sexual performance in the most positive terms of success. At last he has scored. He has proved himself a man. He can answer the locker-room question "Getting any?" with a resounding yes. Well, almost. He is not home free. If his virginal experience has been marked by haste and overexcitement (almost impossible to avoid), he may have taken the initial step toward the most frequently encountered of all male sexual dysfunctions: premature ejaculation. Almost all men who come too quickly to satisfy their partners first experience the problem on the virgin bed. The so-called minuteman establishes a pattern of sexual response in his first few sexual encounters that he cannot alter himself, regardless of how hard he tries, in later life. His body has become conditioned to one pattern. Insertion is almost immediately followed by orgasm--the two become the same act. The novice never learns to separate the many impulses that signal the impending climax. He is swept along in the rush.

Several factors can contribute to speediness. If the lovers are in a high-risk situation--such as a lovers' lane or a basement playroom--then haste becomes equated with safety. Take the money and run. If a young man has resorted to a prostitute, he may sense the meter running. Haste is equated with good (concluded on page 182) Disasters (continued from page 108) business. (The prostitute may reassure the novice, commending him on his ability.)

Sometimes a beginner can't believe his good luck--and hurries before his partner can change her mind. It takes only a few sexual encounters to establish the groove. Or perhaps the rut.

Many sexually crippled men have no idea that they're not the most popular of sexual partners. If a man isn't married, his partners on one-night stands usually don't let him know he isn't getting the job done to their satisfaction. No one bothers to correct the situation--instead, they move on to new partners. If he is married, it is frequently several years before an unbelievably frustrated partner angrily upsets his apple cart one night by accusing him of being totally selfish, interested only in his own pleasure and never thinking of her needs. Such a disclosure usually comes as a shock, for the male who has become conditioned to speedy sex has no frame of reference. He has always aimed to please and until now has had no complaints.

Premature ejaculation can be corrected--but not by amateur effort. Distractions don't work. Counting backward from 100 doesn't work. Biting your lip doesn't work. Thinking of the office doesn't work. Most men try to put on the brakes after they've hit the ice--by then, it's too late. Learning self-control takes a cooperative, understanding partner. In Human Sexual Inadequacy, I describe the squeeze technique: A woman brings her partner to the edge of orgasm, then, before he can ejaculate, squeezes the head of the penis between her fingers. The overwhelming urge to ejaculate will diminish and the process can be repeated. Gradually, the man becomes familiar with the sensations leading to orgasm and can learn to slow down and regain control.

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In the past, small elements of our society have tried to attack the problem of first-night disasters. For example, at the turn of the century, the Oneida Community in Upstate New York was teaching young men ejaculatory control as a conception-control mechanism. The young men were initiated into sexual activity and taught control by postmenopausal women, and older, wellcontrolled men performed similar services for the young women in the colony. As a contraceptive measure, the techniques reportedly worked well, but we have no knowledge of whether or not controlled "sexual induction" by experienced partners reasonably guaranteed effective sexual performances when the young people were allowed to mate.

Ideally, we should develop adequate educational programs for the sexually inexperienced. Not the birds-and-bees thing but programs conducted by competent professionals discussing social responsibilities, underscoring sexual values and suggesting ways and means of admitting sexual ignorance with comfort. After all, if men and women had the self-confidence to acknowledge their virginal states and ask for help before they plunged, half the battle would be won. While there would still be distressful failures after identifying a neophyte status, the level of distress would be of little moment compared with the degree of trauma that develops when pretending an expertise we don't have or assuming or assigning a responsibility we can't meet. We must accept the facts that men as well as women can be sexually inexperienced without loss of face and that one cannot accept responsibility for a partner's facility in sexual response.

Although we have emphasized the negative in this discussion of virginal traumas, and we certainly haven't been optimistic about the possibility of altering culturally established sexual value systems, a positive note is in order for those tens of thousands of men who will have read this article and identified with one or another of the situations described. For those who have been caught in the ego grinder of sexual ignorance and who remain severely handicapped by failed first experiences, all is not lost. The sexual inadequacies that arise from virginal matings are reversible in a high percentage of cases. There is even brighter portent in the fact that our society finally has recognized that continued sexual ignorance in our young will lead them to repeat our sexual mistakes and to suffer our sexual disasters. Happily, they are learning to avoid these pitfalls, sometimes even with our help. Obviously, it's far better to avoid problems than to have to treat them; but if they exist, how much better it is to treat than to live a half life.

"Premature ejaculation can be corrected--but not by amateur effort. Distractions don't work."