The Secret Life of Baseball

Manager you'd most like to play for

1. Billy Martin

2. Tom Lasorda

3. Herman Franks

4. Chuck Tanner

5. Ken Boyer

6. Jim Fregosi

Most players seem to think Martin got a bad rap. Many call him "a fine leader of men." Reggie Jackson says he'll never play for Martin again. But he'll play for Bob Lemon anyplace, any time, as long as it's not New York. He wants to get out of New York. He wants to play "anyplace in California."

Phil Garner teaches you How to Chew Tobacco like the Pros

"You have to do tobacco like you do women. You must let it work up to a good chew, let it get moist and juicy. If you chew too fast, it'll become dry and fall apart. So stay calm, be alert and chew, with care." Garner says his favorite chew is Red Man.

Players you wouldn't want to mess with

Dave Parker won for the toughest man in baseball. Other high finishers of note included Lenny Randle, who's a karate expert, and Steve Carlton, who holds a black belt. Dave Winfield got some votes for just being there.

Things that Angry Fans have thrown at Pete Rose

Flashlight batteries, chicken bones, a 25-pound bag of flour and a crutch

Terms Baseball Players Use When Referring to Women

Most common are hog, beef, sparkplug, little spinner, bitch and queen.

Just Another Class Broad

After hearing that her husband, Pete, had decided to sign a $3,200,000 deal with Philadelphia, Karolyn Rose's response was, "Do they have a K mart there?"

Things do Co better with Coke

Just before the start of last year's world series, a Yankee who ended up playing well over his head made a cocaine buy that totaled almost $10,000.

Baseball's All-Time Heroes (In Order of Votes)

1. Mickey Mantle

2. Babe Ruth

3. Jackie Robinson

4. Spiderman

Crotch Clutch

The Dodgers wear metal crotch cups against the Pirates and plastic ones against the Phillies.

They don't Read, as a Rule

Some 80 percent of the players polled said they had never read the rules of baseball and saw no reason to.

Usherettes out for Action

Philadelphia won easily. Evidently, they aren't named the Hot Pants Patrol for nothing. Management has had trouble keeping many of them in line. There are even special rooms some of them use for pregame quickies. For after the game, visiting players just give notes to male ushers ordering their picks to meet them at the Hilton across the street. Arlington won in the American League, but for much cleaner reasons.

Just a Million Laughs

John Candelaria once urinated on a birthday cake in the clubhouse.

It's not Easy being Doug Rau

For no apparent reason, Ran once painted the entire contents of the Dodger locker room a shade of green.

Hitters Who Scare the Shit out of Pitchers

1. Dave Parker

2. George Foster

3. Jim Rice

4. Greg Luzinski

5. Reggie Jackson

6. Reggie Smith

Parker and Foster wound up in a virtual tie. But Parker gets the edge because "he hits like a motherfucker."

Pitchers Who Scare the Shit out of Hitters

1. J. R. Richard

2. Nolan Ryan

3. Rich Gossage

4. Vida Blue

5. Ron Guidry

6. Tom Seaver

"J.R. throws the ball so goddamn fast," Willie Stargell says, "I can't hardly see it."

You Can't Beat his Meat

Sparky Lyle, angry with the lack of variety of a clubhouse postgame spread, pulled out his prick and dragged it across the bologna.

The Visiting-City Hit Parade

1. San Diego

2. Montreal

3. San Francisco

4. New York

5. Arlington

6. Anaheim

7. Los Angeles

8. Chicago

9. Boston

10. Atlanta

San Diego won in the player poll, with remarks such as "Good air and good beaches," "Easier lays" and "More and better-looking stewardesses." Blacks liked it because it wasn't racist. And while Montreal actually beat it out for the most promiscuous women, most redneck types didn't like Canada because of the language barrier and the sophistication of the women.

Players Who could always Fall Back on Singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" Professionally

Rick Waits, Cleveland; Lamar Johnson, White Sox; Derrel Thomas, Los Angeles

Biggest ass Kisser

Steve Garvey got the most votes here for being "Mr. Goody Two Shoes," for having a "plastic, Hollywood image" and for "kissing" Tommy Lasorda. It's interesting that this was the one question that most players didn't want to answer.

Major-League Players Who Admit they believe in Voodoo

Leo Cardenas

The Biggest Slob in Baseball

Most players think they know why Richie Hebner is still a bachelor. He spits his chew all over himself and at runners who dare to take his base, and at the umpires.

He even chews on dates.

Most Embarrassing use of an illegal bat

On a broken-bat swing, five hard, compressed rubber balls went flying out of Graig Nettles' bat and hit the home-plate umpire.

Players Known to Perform Well with a Hangover

Steve Carlton, Catfish Hunter, Gaylord Perry, Vic Davalillo

Players Who Players Say are Overpaid

Mike Schmidt, Oscar Gamble, Dave Winfield, Barry Foote, Rawly Eastwick, Dave Cash, Lee May, Ken Singleton

The Blind Leading the Blind

After finishing his worst season in the majors, Mike Schmidt sat down to write an instructional book on hitting.

Thurman on Reggie "His friends are those who tell him how good he is."

Reggie on Thurman "He's the biggest asshole in baseball. And the most overrated."

The Biggest Boozers in Baseball The Yankees won easily as the heaviest-drinking collection of players. "It's become a contest," Sparky Lyle says. "You gotta drink just to stay around here."

Worst Slider into Base Sal Bando looks like a blimp landing. Pete Rose was voted the best, not because of his classic form but because "he's fun to watch to see if he'll knock himself unconscious."

Swell Drug of the Stars Butazolidin wins hands up.

Special Orders Do Upset Us "I signed Oscar Gamble under the advice of my attorney," says San Diego owner Ray Kroc. "I no longer have Oscar Gamble and I no longer have my attorney."

Most Lusted-After Wife Cyndy Garvey

Best Place to Plug in Your Hair Drier Yankee Stadium won for the best clubhouse facilities. In addition to hair-drier and radio outlets, there are huge lockers and comfortable chairs, free toiletries and other supplies, a brand-new sauna and a private TV room. Most votes for worst clubhouse facilities went to Cleveland Stadium, which, according to Reggie Jackson, "is full of flies and roaches." It just beat out Wrigley Field (below).