Hits, Hypes & Heavies

B**Tlemania: The B**tles are winners in several categories this time around: for breaking their previous record of eight years by not getting together again for the ninth year in a row--thereby remaining in contention for the elusive decade mark. They take our Lawsuit of the Year Award for their $60,000,000 slap at the producers of B**tlemania for improper use of the B**tles name (we're not taking any chances ourself). And there are separate awards in the increasingly competitive Mogul Division: to ex-B**tle John Lennon for financially homesteading his way through New York's exclusive Dakota; and to ex-B**tle Paul McCartney for his efforts to corner the publishing rights to just about every song you've ever heard, including Stormy Weather and that anthem of Saturday-afternoon fever, On Wisconsin.

Welcome to the future: In the Sixties, we had The Supremes, The Four Tops, Cream, Ultimate Spinach--names that said even the sky wasn't the limit. But there's definitely a different cast to the names these days. Helping us celebrate our entrance into the Eighties, Land of Diminished Expectations, are the following new groups: The Plasmatics, The Ants, Laughing Dogs, Cheetah Chrome and the Casualties, Dead Boys, Cheap Perfume, Pink Section, The Cramps, Terrorists, Murder the Disturbed, The Police, Dead Kennedys, Single Bullet Theory and Model Citizens.

Great moments in Rock: The history of Elton John's Hair

Our Bobby, which art in Malibu: Maybe it ain't Freewheelin' or Highway 61, but it's survival. Dylan surprised all of us first by going electric, then by going country, and now by going God. His Slow Train Coming entered Billboard's pop charts reasonably heavenward, then sank quickly into the infernal abyss and switched over to the Gospel charts. Sneaky old Bob. Who would have thought he'd carve a new audience from the ranks of Debbie Boone, Donnie and Marie and The 700 Club? And are those rumors true that he'll soon team up with that other gold-record performer at the top of the God charts, Pope John Paul II? Will the album be called Vatican Skyline? Will Andrew Loog Gabriel produce? Stay tuned.

Uh, Mom, I'd like you to meet my date: It's a true Dale Carnegie success story. Once upon a time, she was just a lowly street kid in L.A. and he a mere earthling elementary school teacher in New York City. But now, through the miracles of a free country, hype and costume design, they have not only become superstars, they've been named the Hits, Hypes & Heavies Fun Couple of 1979. It could happen to you!

Hot Wax: Definitely not bubble gum, their music is about as inviting as their name. But the Scorpions' Lovedrive cover art cops this year's Hot Wax Award, I'm St-Stuck on You Division.

Her aim was true: The winner by acclaim of our annual Golden Fist Award is Bonnie Bramlett, for knocking off Elvis Costello's glasses at a Holiday Inn bar in Columbus, Ohio, last May during a late-night discussion turned brawl. The subject was America and music--with Costello reportedly calling the U.S. "a fucked country" and offering the opinion that Ray Charles was "nothing but an ignorant, blind nigger." As Rolling Stone reported: "'That's when I slapped him,' Bramlett said. 'I told him that anybody that mean and hateful had to have a little bitty dick.'... 'This had to happen right when I was trying to be a lady,' lamented Bonnie. 'Back when I was drinking, I would a kicked his ass.' " And to Costello, we award his choice of penis enlargers and 15 free lessons at the Thumper School of Charm (Our Motto: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!").

Don't Mattuh If Yo' Brothuh Is President--We Don't Allow No Harmonica Playin' Roun' Heah! The big First Family Musical News of '79 was the arrest of President Carter's sister at an Americus, Georgia, restaurant called McWaffle. The charge: illegal harmonica playing. Seems First Sister Gloria Spann came in blowing strong and was asked by a waitress to cool it. But, explained Spann, "My husband said, 'Play me another tune,' so I played some more." The arrest came when other patrons complained that they couldn't hear the jukebox. No wonder. She'd been playing harmonica barely a month--we bet that even You Decorated My Life sounded good by comparison.

Beethoven with a bullet: According to a KFAC-FM listeners' poll in Los Angeles, last year's top Pick to Click, the hottest Wax to Watch, a solid 95 with great lyrics--was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Rounding out the fave-rave top ten were Beethoven's Sixth Symphony, Saint-Saëns' Symphony Number Three (the organ symphony), Mozart's 40th Symphony, Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto, Beethoven's Third Symphony, Ravel's Bolero, Pachelbel's Canon in D, Rossini's William Tell Overture and Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini.

Tusk, Tusk! They spent nearly a year in the studio and so much nobody's admitting exactly how much--probably $1,000,000-plus. So what if Get the Knack cost only $18,000 total? Too bad that after all this ... this care ... deejays began playing it early and it had to be rush-released, so as not to lose precious profits. Except the entire first pressing of the single was defective and had to be recalled. And the music on Tusk proved to be much ado about little. To Fleetwood Mac, for self-indulgence beyond the call of duty, our special Platinum Mastodon Award.

Oops: June Carter Cash and hubby Johnny Cash caught June's daughter Carlene Carter in a high-voltage performance at the Bottom Line in New York. But Carlene gave them a jolt when she announced a playful little ditty called Swap-Meat Rag. "If this doesn't put the cunt back in country, I don't know what will," quipped Carlene, uninformed that her parents were there. Mom wilted when the man in black turned white as a sheet. What's gotten into that girl? Must be in her genes--June's first husband (and Carlene's daddy) is Carl Smith, whose big hit in the Fifties was Loose Talk. As for Cash, he's since brought out an inspired-sounding Gospel album, A Believer Sings the Truth. Johnny, just be glad she's not your daughter--she might have called her song Cashbox.

Lowell George

He was eclectic, blessed with a cartoon consciousness, an eye for the elegant. He had "two degrees in bebop / a Ph.D. in swing / He was a master of rhythm / He was a rock-'n'-roll king." When Lowell George died on June 29, 1979, we lost one of the good ones. George was a musician, a pioneer of the slide guitar, the founder of Little Feat, the band with the herky-jerky trampolin shuffle. He was a catalyst, producing albums for the Little Feat, Bonnie Raitt, The Grateful Dead, Valerie Carter. Some critics felt he was the best white blues singer in the world period. He was perhaps best known as an eccentric songwriter. Willin', Dixie Chicken, Roll Um Easy, Spanish Moon and Long Distance Love were outside classics. The catalog may become as important to this decade as the songs of Buddy Holly were to an earlier generation. George was a class act. He will be missed.