Heavenly Hosts: A beginner's guide to television evangelists

Spin your Channel-Selector knob these days and you'll find a bold new breed of American preacher--a made-for-TV evangelist with a studio for a pulpit and an 800 number for a collection plate. Even his message seems new, and it's not just because it's been jazzed up and born again in a talksy-entertainment format like some kind of Ed Sullivan Show Gone Baptist; the hell-fire and brimstone and specter of rampaging evil are still evoked with all the energy of the old Sunday-morning fever, but today's TV preacher exhorts his brethren, millions strong, not to turn the other cheek--it's time, he urges across the airwaves and into America's living rooms, time for Christians to rise up and get involved politically and economically, time to run the sinners out. Sinners, as always, are generally defined as those whose views the preachers don't agree with.

In a way, you've got to give these guys credit. Today's televangelists have seen the future and made it theirs. Through the modern miracle of television, they've left the traditional Church choking in their dust (of course, that's not hard to do, with a Pope who recently promised to "get to the bottom of the Galileo case" a mere 347 years after the fact). They've given the Gospel its greatest leap forward since Gutenberg, and they've made themselves more influential than any ministers in history. They're superstars, and they've got the riches to prove it.

The problem for us laymen is that there are so many TV preachers these days that it's almost impossible to remember who's who and who stands for what. To help eliminate the confusion, we've prepared a little primer--a guide to Christian television's brightest lights--beginning on the next page.

As they used to say in simpler times, will you turn with us now?

The Devil Made us Do it

The Federal Communications Commission is investigating The PTL Club for allegedly misappropriating $13,000,000. Seems the club solicited funds from home viewers, claiming it needed the money for certain foreign missions. When the FCC checked, it couldn't find the missions or the money. PTL explains--and this is no joke--that Satan simply got into its computer and lost the money. Says Jim Bakker's bubbly wife and co-host, Tammy Faye Bakker: "If I weren't a Christian, the FCC would have driven me out of my mind."

Remember, Akron is the Town that gave us Devo

Above: Ernest Angley drives to work in a pink Cadillac, which is appropriate considering where he works. Grace Cathedral, his $2,500,000 Akron center of operations, is adorned with imported chandeliers, brocade drapes, Italian-marble statuary, 24-kt.-gold veneer on the pulpit, piano and organ, a cross illuminated by red light with letters proclaiming FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD--and portraits of Angley and Jesus.

Anyone who Hates Disco can't be all Bad

Jerry Falwell stands just a little to the right of "Bah, humbug." Here's an up-to-the-minute list of the things he objects to: rock 'n' roll, network TV, movies, disco, pornography, abortion, homosexuality, E.R.A., SALT II, Ted Kennedy, Frank Church, Birch Bayh and evolution. We don't know how he stands on dogs and children.

Fighting Hell-Fire with Hell-Fire

The main-line churches can't help measuring their diminished revenues against the vast wealth of the TV ministries. The United Methodist Church, therefore, has announced that it may invest $25,000,000 in prime-time television and TV-station ownership.

Hand Job

Oral Roberts told his TV audience that he'd felt a supernatural heat in his right hand and that God told him to imprint that hand on swatches of cloth. He offered a free, hand-printed towel to anyone who entered into a Blessing Pact Covenant with him. That meant--surprise--sending him money.

The Good Book

The Jimmy Swaggart Study Bible, $40. "The easiest reading study Bible in the world today."--Jimmy Swaggart

The Better Book

The Rex Humbard Prophecy Bible, $100. Color-coded charts depicting Creation to Eternity, large print, your name in gold.

The Best Book

The PTL Family Bible, $1000. It's so big, says Tammy Faye Bakker, that she can't even carry it by herself.

Have A Nice Day

Most of the preachers believe that sometime soon there will be a minisecond flash, after which all believers, living and dead, will go with God. Everyone else will go to heck. This is called the Rapture. Rex Humbard anticipates the Rapture will come in his lifetime. Not to worry, the preachers plan to make believers out of all of us by 2000 A.D.

We Know A Heartache when we See One

A recent Gallup Poll indicates that 31 percent of Americans have had a religious or mystical experience, broken down this way: Ten percent reported an "otherworldly feeling," five percent a natural spiritual awakening, five percent a healing experience, four percent visions, voices or dreams, two percent turning to God in a crisis and five percent indescribable raptures. "When I was saved," said one born-againer, "I had a good feeling all over. It was a warm feeling--it felt like a heart attack."

Higher Learning

A self-perpetuating missionary instinct has led several preachers to establish their very own educational institutions. At Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, students are allowed to do one thing the president of the university (Roberts) never did: earn a degree. And if we are products of our environment, ORU students have to be among the flashiest in all Christendom--their campus is a $150,000,000 futuristic show place that has prompted some undergrads to call it Six Flags Over Jesus.

Robert Schuller

Base: Garden Grove, Cal.

TV Show: The Hour of Power

Annual Gross: $16,000,000

Viewers: 4,000,000

Revelation: "Any fool can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the apples."

Oral Roberts

Base: Tulsa, Okla.

TV Show: The Oral Roberts Show

Annual Gross: $60,000,000

Viewers: 5,000,000

Revelation: "How much money did Howard Hughes leave behind? All of it."

Ernest Angley

Base: Akron, Ohio

TV Show: The 99 Club

Annual Gross and Viewers not available Revelation: "We're living in the final hour."

Jerry Falwell

Base: Lynchburg, Va.

TV Show: Old Time Gospel Hour

Annual Gross: $50,000,000

Viewers: 4,000,000

Revelation: "We [Christians] are the largest minority bloc in the U.S."

Pat Robertson

Base: Portsmouth, Va.

TV Show: The 700 Club

Annual Gross: $58,000,000

Viewers: 3,000,000

Revelation: "We have enough votes to run the country."

Sermon on the Mounds

Christian T-shirt slogans as seen on The PTL Club:

Get Right or get left Heaven or Hell--turn or burn in case of Rapture, this T-shirt will be minus one great Bod

Sects Appeal

Above: Judging from the number of pretty young females in his audiences, we'd say there's more to Jimmy Swaggart's success than oratorical skill. We weren't a bit surprised when our own informal poll found Swaggart to be the sexiest preacher on TV.

Welcome to God's Country

The PTL Club's Total Living Center, a planned community in North Carolina, is a kind of born-again Disneyland. It includes log chalets on a lake ($150-a-night rent), tent and camper sites, open-air trams, an Olympic-sized pool, eight tennis courts and an auditorium where you can buy PTL T-shirts, Frisbees and sun visors. In the planning stages are a retirement center, a Polynesian hotel, a clinic, a high-rise condo, a golf course and a replica of an old-timey American Main Street.

I Never liked him, Anyway Department

A West Virginia man stormed out of his house with a pistol and shot his neighbor through a front window. Why? He claimed Billy Graham had told him on television that his neighbor was a sinner.

It's just between us and our God

More than half a billion dollars is donated to TV ministries annually, but the Better Business Bureau is the only group in the country that attempts to report on the fund-raising activities of the notoriously uncooperative religious organizations. The major TV ministries that haven't met B.B.B. standards of reporting include those of Rex Humbard, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Jim Bakker, Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart and Robert Schuller. If they aren't accountable to the IRS or the Department of Commerce, why should they go on record for a private agency?

If we get a Choice, We'll go with George Lucas

Robert M. Liebert, a psychologist at the State University of New York, thinks TV evangelism is more than a flash in the tube. "I envision each electronic denomination setting up local community centers, with an absolute philosophic and economic tie to the denomination's charismatic leader. These centers will offer media services to congregant members via a big screen in grandly decorated halls that will sing with fast-paced visual and sound effects built on the most advanced electronic technology."

Best Prayer Rug

Ernest Angley wears a toupee that looks like it's stuck on with shoe polish, Brylcreem and the grace of God.

Lord of the Rings

Above: Oral Roberts favors jeweled rings and gold bracelets, much to the chagrin of his staff, who must airbrush the jewelry out of Roberts' pictures to keep from offending his flock. The 60-foot-high sculpture of praying hands in front of his City of Hope Medical Center in Tulsa also appears sans jewels.

For thine is the Kingdom, The power and the Hardware

Writer Mary Murphy overheard this prayer offered by a director preparing to tape a leading minister's show: "Our heavenly Father, we thank You for the medium of television. We pray for the technical aspects of this program so we can produce a show worthy of Your son, Jesus Christ."

Gimme Five

Ernest Angley, whose voice sounds like a cross between Gomer Pyle's and a dog-obedience instructor's (Hee-al! Hee-al!), has revolutionized spiritual healing. He simply raises his right hand to the TV camera and asks viewers to hold their hands up to their screens. Then he prays for them. We wonder, does it work during reruns?

Let's run it up the Flagpole and see if anyone Prays

A Texas public-relations man--who asks not to be identified--has divined the existence of a veritable growth industry. He specializes in "packaging" preachers for television--advising his clients on which markets will be most receptive, writing proposals for Christian-TV programs and helping screen talent in order to project that wholesome, lucrative family appeal.

Jim Bakker

Base: Charlotte, N.C.

TV Show: The PTL [Praise the Lord] Club

Annual Gross: $51,000,000

Viewers: 3,000,000

Revelation: "Diamonds and gold aren't just for Satan--they're for Christians, too."

Rex Humbard

Base: Akron, Ohio

TV Show: The Rex Humbard Ministry

Annual Gross: $25,000,000

Viewers: 5,000,000

Revelation: "If I got into politics, I'd be like a blacksmith pulling teeth."

Jimmy Swaggart

Base: Baton Rouge, La.

TV Show: The Jimmy Swaggart Crusade

Annual Gross: $20,000,000

Viewers: 3,500,000

Revelation: "You ain't home yet, honey."

Punch and Jesus

Jim Bakker got his start in the business doing Christian puppet shows on the West Coast.

The Lord's Bill be Done

Left: Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Jim Bakker say that America's in trouble, that Armageddon is just around the corner. And Falwell has the smoothest political machine of them all, with 14 Washington lobbyists. When he hears from Old Time Gospel Hour viewers, he forwards their names and addresses to lobbying groups such as Christian Voice and his own Moral Majority--which then send out mailings asking for funds to fight "godless communism" and "secular humanism." Christian Voice even publishes a Congressional Report Card that informs its constituency how Senators and Congressmen voted on key "moral" issues, ranging from Abortion to Behavioral Research Funding, to that burning moral issue, Taiwan Security. But Christian Voice doesn't stop at reporting how Congress voted; it also reports how it should have voted. Falwell's mailing list numbers 2,000,000, and he has pledged his 1980 budget to defeating liberal Congressmen this November.

Nearer, My God, to thee

Above: The Christian Broadcast Network (CBN)--operated by The 700 Club's Pat Robertson--claims to be America's largest syndicator of TV programs via satellite. Presently, twin ten-meter satellite dishes linking Satcom I and the Western Union Westar satellite give CBN the capability of broadcasting to every domestic satellite system. CBN is the world's largest supplier of cable programing.

Flat-pick me, Jesus

How come Jimmy Swaggart's band sounds so good? Maybe it's because he's the cousin of both Jerry Lee Lewis and Mickey Gilley. Or maybe it's the Kramer guitars and basses. Swaggart's stage manager sent a few gushy letters to Kramer offering to give prominent TV display to its guitars. He pointed out that the retail price of all instruments could be credited to Kramer as a tax deduction. He cautioned that other guitar companies were quite eager for Swaggart to use their products. Currently, the credit line at the end of the Swaggart show reads, "Kramer guitars used exclusively by the Jimmy Swaggart Band."

Who Gives a Darn?

Who watches? According to a leading Christian-TV promotion expert, female viewers account for 75 percent. Thirty percent of the viewers are in the 18-to-39 age group, 70 percent are 39 or older. Most are white. The majority of donations come from women in households earning less than $20,000 per year. TV religions collect an average of $23 per donation, while main-line churches average three dollars per donation.

Dear Occupant, I Fixed your Bladder. Send money. Love, God.

If you write to a TV preacher and say you've got thyroid problems and sure wish God would lighten up on the old endocrines, chances are you'll get a letter back commiserating about your thyroid. Personal attention? Nope, try IBM. A source close to one eminent electronic minister told us, "We break them out by subject. If you got a thyroid problem, you get a thyroid letter. I think that's number 29B."

Great Moments in Christian Television

Interviewing an armless woman on The PTL Club, Tammy Faye Bakker asked, "Well, how do you put on your make-up?"

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Colonel Harlan Sanders likes to tell this inspirational story on Christian talk shows. He was about to undergo surgery for an intestinal polyp when he decided to ask a faith healer for help. Next morning, after the laying on of hands, the colonel went to, uh, relieve himself. To his amazement, he heard the polyp "pulunk into the commode," as he puts it. The next set of X rays showed that the polyp was gone.

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During a PTL Club program featuring rock 'n' roll, Jim Bakker wrapped his arm around wife Tammy and said, "Yes, I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill--and this is Blueberry here."

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A guest evangelist on The PTL Club once proclaimed, "You know when you eat onions, you're gonna burp a foul onion smell. But when you eat God, you'll burp a sweet odor to the world."

Pane Relief

Above: Robert Schuller raised the $18,000,000 to pay for his luminescent drive-in Crystal Cathedral from viewer donations alone. Designed by architect Philip Johnson, Schuller's Garden Grove, California, church is a steel superstructure sheathed in 10,000 plate-glass windows. We figure Schuller bought heavily in Windex stock.

There's A Better Home Awaiting

Last year, Rex Humbard told his Prayer Key Family (those who regularly send donations) to send money, claiming he needed $3,200,000 to pay off his ministry's debts. A mere nine months later, Humbard and his sons spent $650,000 on a home and condominiums near Palm Beach, Florida. Humbard says 200,000 of his TV audience each sent $20 to retire the debt.

Just Another Miracle

Oral Roberts claims to read and answer every letter he gets. Analysis of that fact reveals that with the volume of mail Roberts receives, he must be reading and answering one letter every two seconds.

God Helps those who Help Themselves

Left: Jim Bakker once wrote a direct-mail message to the PTL faithful asking for money, saying, "Tammy and I are giving every penny of our life's savings to PTL." That same month, they bought a $24,000 houseboat equipped with white-shag carpeting, two bedrooms, TV, gas grill and refrigerator. On being questioned about this, Bakker said, "I paid for that boat just like anyone else. I financed it with a bank--there was no PTL money involved."